Just need to vent a little

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Orangebrittainy

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 25, 2010
Messages
129
Location
Beautiful Small Town, North Carolina
I am sure many of you have been in this same position. I am very independent, Always have been. I take pride in being able to care for myself and my family. Its driving me up the wall to need so much help. I am to the point where I can wash the dishes, but all of my cabinets are either too high or too low, so I need someone to put them away. I asked DH for 4 days to put the dishes away, I tried on several attempts to do it myself. Each day he forgot, I felt even worse because it was another day for things to pile up. I am itching to get up and go, but I can't reach into to the washer to get wet clothes out, I can't reach into the deep freezer (its not full anymore) to pull out meat. Its driving me up the wall. Essentially I feel useless. For the first time since I was 13, I feel like I am contributing nothing to the household. I feel lazy, and I hate it. I know logically I am trying to heal, but too me its just not enough. My SIL and BIL are living with us, and just had twins Monday. I hate that people are coming over to see the babies, and my floor needs to be vacuumed but I can't do it. I hate when I have dishes piled up for the simple fact that everyone is too busy to put the dishes away for me so I can wash them.

DH has been asking a lot about sex lately and I feel like I am an inadequate wife because even if I was to the point where I could physically perform. Emotionally I am no where near close. I talked to him about how it made me feel, but I still don't feel any better about the issue. It feels like a long time before I will feel human again, the thought of feeling woman again is incomprehensible.

I am hoping that by typing this out and sharing it with people who might understand, that I will get my emotions under control. I know I have much to be thankful for and I am very grateful for the friends and family that have helped us through this.
 
Brittainy.... yes we all have our daily trials and tribulations and that is one GREAT part of this board is THAT VERY FACT we have all been there and do understand so here try this on for size
hug.gif
 
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I felt exactly the same. I have to go to a counselor to deal with it. My husband is very reliable though. Sometimes to give him a break I'd go to my moms. If you have somewhere to get away from that and relax then you should.

It's been 11 weeks and no sex. I just feel like my body is just a science project after all that's been done to it so I don't feel like having sex. I'm glad my husband isn't pushing it, though I'll have to give up the ghost soon for his sake.
 
Brittainy,

I have to say, YOU SOUND JUST LIKE ME!!! I completely understand your feelings. You have just been through MAJOR surgery, please, please, do not be so hard on yourself! I'm certain your family understands. Try to be patient with yourself. I promise you, it does GET BETTER. There is nothing worse than the feeling of being helpless, and totally dependent on other people. Keep telling yourself, this is just temporary, it will get better.

Take care
 
As others have said, don't be so hard on yourself! You've been through an awful lot and your body simply cannot find the strength to do everything that your mind is telling it to do! You'll start feeling better soon.....just give yourself some time!

Stay well!
 
Sweetie, I can work one day, but not the next, and I consider myself doing great at nearly 9 weeks out!

Really, with all those people in your house, someone needs to get off their duffs and give you a hand with the dishes, laundry, and vacuuming. Men are not allergic to housework. You and your SIL are recovering from a lot of physical stress and trauma, and you both deserve a lot more help than you are apparently getting.

And frankly, sex can wait until you are not exhausted and can move more comfortably. If you can't yet put away the dishes or do the laundry, you're not physically ready for sex. Helloooo, your sternum is obviously still too sore for that little exercise; and that's ignoring the emotional side altogether. You probably still feel too fragile for sex.
 
It takes time to heal ... frankly I feel that what you are feeling is the "bur under the saddle " that keeps you moving toward full recovery and life as it should be ... it really does take time, it was almost a full year when I said to myself, "hey, I feel 100%", which by the way was better than pre-surgery ... take your time and understand that what you are feeling is healthy and normal ... about the sex, does he have at least one working hand, not sure since he has not been able to manage putting the dishes away:biggrin2: .... lol ... stay strong:thumbup:
 
What you are experiencing is so normal and to be expected and the very worst thing you can do is push yourself too hard, too fast. The price you could pay for the rest of your life is too high to not exercise patience now and wait for dishes, laundry and sex. This surgery was to allow you to live a long healthy life and to rush through your recovery robs you of the best possible healing.

I agree....... someone else in your household needs to get those dishes back into the cabinet and push the vacuum.
It is only temporary and day by day, week by week, you will get stronger, your sternum will heal and your life will become more normal. Anyone who doesn't want to look at the dishes on the counter can darn well put them away.

Is it possible for you to have a friend help you out for a day or two and get some of these pesty household chores done? Could you hire a cleaning company for a day?

Best wishes....... be good to yourself now. Your body will thank you for years to come.
 
My 2 cents: DELEGATE.... Men are mostly trainable.
1) leave the clean dishes on the counter, it's so easy that way.
2) use some paper plates and cups for a while
3) DON'T lift wet laundry, it ain't worth the strain.
4) Remind hubby that God gave him 2 hands for a reason so use them wisely and help with chores too.
5) Hide in a corner with a good book.
 
Brittainy ~ Can you feel the love here..? We do know how you feel and you're in normal recovery mode. It takes loads of time, not loads of laundry. It takes enormous amounts of patience, not rushing anything including sex (I love Cooker's comment..:biggrin2:). It takes compassion from those around you, not demands. I absolutely cannot imagine trying to recover from open heart surgery with two other people living in your home with brand new twin babies...:eek2:

Now, get on the phone and hire a maid and make an appointment for a manicure/pedicure and make yourself feel good ~~ YOU DESERVE IT..!!:thumbup:
 
AgilityDog--I agree with you. Men are not helpless--even tho they often pretend to be. Let the DH and BIL do the dishes AND put them away. If they can't do that, use paper. Brittainy, You need to be on the deck, front porch, corner of your bedroom (somewhere) with a good book and no worries except getting well again! Mary
 
I am angered by your situation and all the demands put on you. You have had major surgery and you need time (peaceful time) to heal both, physically and emotionally. All those things you feel are expected of you can and MUST wait. Our domestic circumstances differ but this is the one time in your life when you can be selfish and demand to be carried on the hands by those around you...
 
Am I wrong but wasn't your surgery September 15? If that is accurate, you are not even a month out and your husband expects dishes and sex and laundry........ You need to have a very serious discussion with him if that is the case. You have way too much healing left to do for him to be expecting so much from you.

Your B-I-L might consider being more helpful around the house with his wife being a brand new Mom of twins and you being a brand new heart surgery patient.

The guys really should be stepping up to the plate IMO and if they cannot or will not do these tasks they need to get you help that can do them.

Sorry for the rant but I feel awful you are under this pressure when you least need or can cope with it.
 
"Doing the right thing at the right time"....

"Doing the right thing at the right time"....

cannot be more applicable than this time...now, Brittany.

the right things to do now are: to just relax and relax and relax, to be pampered and spoiled, and to receive all the emotional and physical support
from those around you, and this is exactly the right time to do this.

Tell you hubby the sooner he helps around and shows his appreciation by doing this, the sooner you shall heal emotionally as well as physically, the happier you shall be, and the closer you shall feel
towards him again, and thus the sooner he can get his sex :rolleyes2: [the *sooner* time frame in my mind can be anytime you decide and feel ready]

When you cannnot make people do what you want them to do, you take a new route and change your tecchniques...use paper plates which are cheaper than any doctor's visit if you hurt yourself!
If they cannot find clothes, they will have to get them out of the washer and put them in the dryer. They may need to rewash them if they stay for too long there :biggrin2:

This is the right time for you to stand up for yourself and do not allow yourself to feel guilty or useless.

((hugs))
 
Your JOB at the moment is to recover. You ARE doing your job . . . you are not being lazy (or anything else negative).

Keep reminding yourself about YOUR job and remind hubby and BIL of their jobs . . . laundry, dishes, whatever else needs to be done.

Take care of yourself. Pamper yourself. You'll feel better in due time. Until then . . . relax.
 
Cooker said:
It takes time to heal ... frankly I feel that what you are feeling is the "bur under the saddle " that keeps you moving toward full recovery and life as it should be ... it really does take time, it was almost a full year when I said to myself, "hey, I feel 100%", which by the way was better than pre-surgery ... take your time and understand that what you are feeling is healthy and normal ... about the sex, does he have at least one working hand, not sure since he has not been able to manage putting the dishes away:biggrin2: .... lol ... stay strong:thumbup:
Click to expand...

LMAO!!! He finally did it after me asking him for about 4 days. He even rinsed dried and put away as I washed all the ones piled up!!!
 
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