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Facts about the ocean....according to some second-graders.....

Facts about the ocean....according to some second-graders.....

Facts about the ocean....according to some second-graders.....

1) - An octopus has eight testicles.(Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls.:smile2: (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don't have
ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean and have big teeth just like Emily
Richardson, She's not my friend any more.:mad: (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots
and comes back with crabs. :eek2:(Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to
make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off
eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and
I like their shiny tails but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always
crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got
pregnant, so I can't think what to write.:angel:(Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves in to chargers.:angel:(Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy small.:eek: (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. :eek2:(Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired
right up her big fat ass.:eek: (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown
I don't know.:confused: (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. :eek2:
(James, age7)
 
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the airborn penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what was that?"


Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age,
the father replied, "It...it was only a bug"


The daughter sat with a confused look on her face,

and after a moment she said.... "It sure had a big d-ck, didn't it?"
 
A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out of the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man along with his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the airborn penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, "Daddy, what was that?"


Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age,
the father replied, "It...it was only a bug"


The daughter sat with a confused look on her face,

and after a moment she said.... "It sure had a big d-ck, didn't it?"


You are taking way too much Metoprolol. You are getting sex dreams again. lol
 
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We Have to Stop Cutting Down Trees!

We Have to Stop Cutting Down Trees!

We have to stop cutting down trees!
2vtplyo.jpg
 
21mrzac.jpg


Daddy’s Little Girl

~ One day mommy was out, and dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 3 years old. Someone had given me a little "tea set" as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room reading the evening news when I brought daddy a little cup of "tea," which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, mom came home. Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was "just the cutest thing!" Mom waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for daddy, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a mother would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?"
 
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A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,' I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. '

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,
'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'Well dear you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,
'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir.
That's an automatic $75 fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'

(I love this part)


'Only when he's been drinking.!!​
 
Thanks for the jokes. I can barely see the keyboard through the tearsI'm laughing so hard. You've made my morning. Hahahah
 
On their way to get married, a young Christian couple is involved in a fatal car accident. They find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates, waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married inHeaven? When St. Peter shows up, they ask him. St. Peter says, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked that.
Let me go and find out,' and he leaves.

The couple sits and waits, and waits. Two months pass and the couple is still waiting. As they wait, they discuss that if they were allowed to get married in Heaven, what was the eternal aspect of it all. 'What if it doesn't work?' they wondered. 'Are we stuck together forever?'

After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled 'Yes,' he informs the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.' 'Great!' says the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Can we also get a divorce in Heaven?'

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground!! 'What's wrong?' ask the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!' St. Peter shouts, 'It took me three months to find a preacher up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?'
 
I need your opinion:
Do these tires make my butt look big?

...............................................................................

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Bina, Not so much, but your legs are on steroids.

A woman returns home one day after visiting the doctor for a yearly check up. Her husband greets her and asks how the appointment went.

She was pleased to report a comment the doctor had made to her, "the doctor said I had the breasts of a 20 year old"

He could not miss such an opening and replied "what did he say about your 50 year old ass?"

And without missing a beat she said " funny, but he didn't ask about you"

Doug
 
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..
______________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________ ________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.
 
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little bastard
 

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