How do we handle this situation?

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meganmitch

Active member
Joined
Sep 8, 2010
Messages
27
Location
fort worth texas
My husband and I are both split on the dicision to let his 12 year old son see him after surgery.

My husband told his 12 year old son (my step son) about his upcoming heart surgery today. His mother got on the phone promptly and said that she wanted him to be there for it so he can see him after. I immediatly dissagreed. I dont even know if they will let him see his dad after the surgery but i dont think its a condition he needs to see him in if so. Im imagining that he will have all kinds of monitors and tubes coming out of him while in ICU and i know its going to be hard for even me to see him like this.Im really not sure how to handle this situation at all, but feel bad for feeling the way i do about it.
 
there are many sides to consider here....is the child very sensitive?....is the child prone to freaking out?
What is the benefit of a young boy seeing his father in a very low state and hooked up
to machines with many drain tubes, etc.
If it was me, I would NOT do this. After 24-48 hours see how Dad is doing and go from there.
I would not risk freaking out my child for the sake of a very early visit.
On my surgery day only my husband was present. I really didn't want alot of Hoopla going on.
Don't feel bad, you are entitled to your feelings.
 
I would not recommend him coming to see him while he is still in the ICU. He will have more tubes coming out of him than you can imagine and a lot of us are very swollen, not to mention that he will feel like he has been hit by a truck and won't feel like "visiting" at that point. After he is moved to the step down unit, which is when most of the tubes will be gone and your husband will be a little more with it, I would consider letting him come if he really wants to. My kids were 14 and 11 when I had my surgery. I travelled away for surgery, so them visiting wasn't an option. However, I would not have wanted them there until maybe the last day I was in the hospital and my daughter, the 14 year old, was freaked out by the bump with the top stitch at the top of my sternum when she did get to see me, about a week and a half later. She has already told me that she has no intentions of coming to the hospital when it comes time for my next surgery.

Kim
 
My 16 years old daughter was there after my surgery. She burst into tears watching daddy with all the tubes and monitor attached and a swollen face. She even stay over night with my wife. That's when she freak out watching the monitor alarm goes off nurse charging into the room.
 
I have alot of the same thoughts as Bina, but wanted to make sure what you meant by "she wanted him to be there for it so he can see him after" Does she mean she wants him to be there all day when his Dad is in the OR, or see him after surgery? IF she wants him there waiting during surgery, that is a VERY long day, and would she also be there with him? Either way, I probably would try to get them to at least wait until the next morning.
 
It's a really tough question. I'd look at the child. Is he mature for his age? Does he get scared or worried easily? We are facing this question with our two younger boys (ages 7 and 5) for the next time my oldest (age 9) has surgery. We are actually leaning towards having them there surgery day, partially because if something happens we want them there. I know that's morbid but I can't imagine not having them there. I also thing they will be worried about their brother no matter where they are. I actually was comforted to see Gabe after his surgeries. That probably sounds odd but I was. My husband was upset by it, I was relieved. 2 totally different reactions. I would think 12 would be old enough, but maybe wait at least a few hours. See how swollen he is (I have found that the swelling sets in several hours later or the next day, so they sometimes look less scary immediately after. The swelling is very alarming. Sometimes, though, children handle situations like this better than adults so it may not be as stressful as you think. I'm guessing the worrying about the surgery will be more stressful for the child than seeing his dad after surgery would be.

If you do decide to let him visit, prepare him. Find pictures of post op heart patients online. I'm not sure how soon the surgery is but there may be books out there preparing a child for their parent's surgery. Also, check visiting policies in advance. If the ICU has a firm age limit you don't want him to think he will be allowed in but then find that he won't. Maybe ask him. He's really old enough to have some input, and if is does see him make sure he knows that as soon as he feels uncomfortable he can back out. Just let him have some control over it.

Good luck with your decision, and remember that if his mom wants him to be there then he likely will be there, so you might as well prepare him as much as you can.
 
One more thing, find out if the hospital has a child life specialist (if they have pediatrics there) or a social worker who may help prepare him or even be there to talk just before or just after. Those things may help a bit.
 
vtbecca said:
One more thing, find out if the hospital has a child life specialist (if they have pediatrics there) or a social worker who may help prepare him or even be there to talk just before or just after. Those things may help a bit.
Click to expand...

I agree. Ask the hospital to get involved as too whether a 12 year old should see a parent so soon after this surgery. They may be able to keep the heat off you by being the "bad guy". Personnaly, I don't think a child would handle this well.
 
Sorry that I do not have an advice, but I have some questions:

What does the boy want? How does he feel about it?! Can anyone explain to him how your husband might look like then and tell if he could handle this? or would he prefer to see him later! What does your husband want?! Just questions popped into my mind.

I, personally, wanted very much to see my step-son's face when I first opened my eyes! my hubby and sister and brother in law were there too,

It gave me pleasure to see his face on wake up and assurance that I was alive and I will be there for him in the coming years.
My step son was 18 then...older than yours. I alerted him and prepared him for the worst of how I might look like and I gave him the choice to come the next day instead. He wanted to be there no matter what, was his answer! Luckily, the breathing tube was out and I looked OK when I was moved to ICU.

Good luck.
 
My kids were there for my repair surgery in 2005. They were 17 and 15 and I let them choose to be there. They saw me briefly in ICU and then were escorted out. The doctors and my wife explained to them and prepared them for what to expect when they saw me. to tell you the truth I was so "Doped" I don't remember much. Talk with your docs and see what kind of support you can get.
 
My 13 and 16 year-old sons came to visit me after I was out of ICU and in a room. I don't see the point of dealing wuth ICU, but I'll bet they both will want to see each other as soon as possible.

If your hubby would like someone to talk to, I'd be happy to talk to him. My surgery was 10 years ago at Medical City Dallas, but some memories are as fresh as yesterday.
 
Im not sure what she meant by be there so he can see him. I dont really think a 12 year old needs to sit around waiting for his dad to come out of surgery, and i sure do not want to sit around with my step sons mother for an entire day, selfish as it may be, she has brought much hurt to my husband over the many years. Thanks to her we are paying $600 in child support and she wont even try to stop until my husband can get back to work, nice huh. Im just totally against any children being there until he is coherent and says he is ready.
 
No date as of now, we applied for a charity program to see if we can get some assistance since im pregnant and dont work and he cant work until after the surgery. The doctor and the business office said regardless of what our financial situation is we would get the surgery done within thenext month or so.
 
I think because he loves his dad he wants to be there. BUT he hasnt been explained how his dad will look and i just dont think even explaining could prepare him for what he will see. When he told him this evening he started crying, and that was just telling him he was getting surgery, not the extent of it.
 
I can tell you that since my surgery eight weeks ago when my husband talks about seeing me in the ICU his eyes well up. Everything went very well for me but if my grown husband cries still when he thinks about seeing me in that condition I'd say he should definetly not see him in ICU. In step down maybe.
 
My husband just had surgery 4 days ago and we opted not to let out 14 and 16 year old boys go see him. Trust me I am a nurse and resp therapist. I see this everyday. I don't think you should take them in to see him. Once he's off the vent is a different story.
 
meganmitch said:
No date as of now, we applied for a charity program to see if we can get some assistance since im pregnant and dont work and he cant work until after the surgery. The doctor and the business office said regardless of what our financial situation is we would get the surgery done within thenext month or so.
Click to expand...

OH ok, I know alot of people don't tell their kids until it is close to surgery so thought maybe you had a date. At least you have a little time to work out a plan that will work well for everyone. As others said, I would ask the hospital their rules on visitng, in ICU as well as the waiting room during surgery, some hospitals have rules about children or how many people each patient can have in the waiting room during surgery, since usually there are quite a few families there at the same time.

I think I would try to talk them into not being there the first day if at all possible, usually the difference between how you look between right after surgery or the next morning is a big difference. Justin usually is up sitting and eating the next morning but right after surgery while he is still on the vent with lots of alarms and tubes, he looks a little rough.
 
Check the Rules

Check the Rules

His mother's expectation that your stepson see his did in the ICU (ICCU in my case) may be a moot point. Hospitals tend to have rules regarding patient visits immediately following surgery. My hospital had me in an ICCU immediately following surgery; visits were limited to two people for five minutes every hour. It's also common for hospitals to have rules regarding minimum ages. Rules vary from hospital to hospital. Check with the director of your hospital's ICU.

I specifically told my son not to bring his kids to my room at any time after surgery. I really didn't want them to see me with the IV tubes. Had something gone bad, I didn't want their last memory of me to be associated with hospital stuff.

What does your stepson's father think about this issue? It doesn't seem to be much of a stretch to think that he should be involved in deciding who visits and when. Push the "easy button"... let him deal with his ex-wife and her demands.

-Philip
 
I agree completely with Bina. NO Hoopla! Some families turn these events into a circus which is not helpful except as possible entertainment for hospital junkies. I think pushing a child into an ICU is abusive and should be prevented. Forcing a child to sit in a hospital for hours of waiting is also abusive and likely only to build anxiety over what is happening. Children need reassurance that things are going to be OK; a short visit after your husband is out of the ICU and can speak with his son would do just that. Few children are going to understand that the tubes, wires and vent are normal in the ICU. Seeing a parent in such condition is very likely to undermine their confidence that their mom or dad is going to be OK. This is not a matter that a child should be allowed to decide; they just don't have the experience to properly interpret what they see.

Larry
 
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