my family is making me nuts!!!!

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Maybe that's it;I just can't take the fact that I'm causing all this comotion. I really don't like all this spotlight. I'm scared and seeing them so upset really hits home as to what's about to happen. I too,have people flying in to be here for my surgery (my people don't usually fly in unless it's very serious) I know I sound selfish but I can't take on their fears when I'm barely getting through my own. I really do love them and don't mean to sound otherwise . I just needed a safe place to express what I was feeling.

But you're not causing the commotion! You're doing what needs to be done so you can be better. It's not your fault and I would guess it was not your idea to one day wake up and say, gee, I think I ought to get me some valve replacement surgery! You do have enough to go through yourself and don't need people who are fearful, emotional or teary-eyed around you. Remember the scene in Moonstruck where Nicolas Cage tells Cher he loves her, and she slaps him and says, What are you crazy? Snap out of it! You may need to do something similar if the emotions escalate into hyperbole.

Bina's advice is excellent. You might also make a note when you go in to do your pre-op stuff and ask if you can give the names of the only people you want to have contact with after surgery. Some people really do better with more privacy; I can totally relate to that. Let those that love you show their love by doing things for you at home that need to be done.

About a day before I came home I had a phone conversation with a family member that just totally unnerved me. One of the more inane things she said was that because I live alone I should really tell my doctor that I need to stay in the hospital for at least another week. Ok, but this time it was day 7 or 8 for me, the thought of another week almost made me crazy. Had she been there in person and said that I think I would have strangled her.

Philip, don't feel bad, I missed out on that "at peace phase," too.
 
One thing, get over your modesty right now. There is no such thing in a hospital. With that being said, family and friends (Unless they've been through this themselves) don't know what to expect. To them, it's the worst possible scenario unfolding. If they want to see you in ICU, let them. Your not going to remember much anyhow, if anything, after surgery. They need closer to the whole thing, just as you do.
 
The only person allowed for a visit in ICU was my husband, I asked my kids to come for a visit only once I was out of ICU didn't want them to see my with all those tubes. So when they came for a visit I was up to it, and could enjoy a good visit and chat with them, (some people thought I was selfish by doing that but I don't care) those were my wishes and happy they respected that. I remember before surgery I would hide to cry so my husband wouldn't see me, cause it was really hard on him, the day of surgery when I left for OR it was like all that fear was gone or maybe it was just those little happy pills they gave me 1 hour prior to taking me to OR. LOL
 
It would be nice if all hospitals do what they did when I had all my teeth taken out. I don't know what they gave me, but I don't even remember leaving the surgical waiting area much less going into the OR.
 
This is not the time to have a ton of visitors. In the first place, the visiting time limits in the ICU can be strict, some only 15 minutes every hour or so, and only within a certain number of hours. Others are different, but most will limit the number of visitors to two at a time. If you have a ton of relatives who want to go in to see you, this will limit the time your very closest loved ones can be with you. I don't know how that will play with your family.

You won't be in good shape at all for the first day or so, and even after that, you will look and feel like you got run over by a truck. You may have a very sore throat and not feel like chit chat. But having visitors make people feel obligated to "keep them entertained", and you won't be able to do this, plus if you are a private person, you won't want that added stress.

With all of my husband's operations, I only wanted a couple of people with me, and that would have been the closest members to me. I myself, didn't want to have to "entertain" people and make small talk. I just wanted to be quiet and wait. It would have really upset me to have to give up any of my face time with my husband as he lay in the ICU. I would have resented that.

It was even hard for me to have to call everyone when I got home from the hospital each day to fill them in, each one, over and over again, and took sometimes an hour or so, when I just wanted to crash because I was so emotionally exhausted. So, if you can set up a telephone tree, it would be helpful.

My husband, like you, didn't want a whole lot of people around him. Because he had had so many of these surgeries, he knew how he would look and how he would be acting due to medications and left over anesthesia effects. One time, when he was very, very ill, and in the ICU, he made me promise that he wouldn't be a "side show" with lots of people gawking at him, and I kept my promise. A friend of his sister-in-law who was a little peculiar, decided that she needed to see Joe. She came alone, and wanted to perform some kind of religious praying over him. She didn't even know Joe. I had to tell the receptionist at the ICU desk that she would not be allowed and right then limited visitations to the very closest relatives.

So, I hope your closest loved ones will honor your wishes and do whatever they can to play it as you wish. This is your operation and you have the right to go through it the way that makes you feel comfortable. That being said, you and your loved ones will have to speak with folks in a way that will not ruffle feathers. You don't want your operation to be the cause of a family melt-down.

As far as your modesty goes, you can just throw that one out the window. Your body will be on display for the medical staff, more times than you can count, every inch of it, and there is nothing you can do about it. Believe me, your naked body has no interest for them other than how they can help you get through your surgery.

You will probably be out of the hospital within 5-7 days anyway. But I still recommend that you don't have a ton of visitors until you can walk and talk and are feeling much better. Then you can celebrate and enjoy company. Too early on, it will be a big burden.
 
Oh, one more thing. Too many visitros means too many germs, another reason to limit visitations in the ICU, and the rest of your hospital stay and also early on when home. Your immune system will not be up to fighting off colds, etc.
 
Nancy, you said it all, just right. Visitors are exhausting, and neither I nor my spouse need to be entertaining them when I'm hospitalized.

I do think there's a difference between modesty where medical staff is concerned and modesty where family, friends, and co-workers are concerned. There are very few friends and family, and no co-workers whom I am willing to let see me in a hospital gown and foley cath! They can wait until I'm able to wear my own clothes. I don't even want most of them to see me in PJs!

And boy, do I remember being P.O.'d waking up from my defibrillator surgery and having some strange wacko fundamentalist pastor IN MY FACE praying over me. Blech! She'd snuck in while my husband went to the bathroom. He knows how I feel about the ostentatiously religious. This time around chaplains will be banned from my presence. I don't need an intermediary with G*d, thank you very much. My first words out of that surgery were GET OUT!
 
Taunt,

Live and let live, but you are the patient and surely want to recover ASAP post op.

Am now realizing by some posts, that some need the visitors and some like me (and maybe you) need to focus on get well ASAP, which translates to quiet time.

OHS was my 3rd anesthesized surgery, I felt that recovery on 1st two, could have been better with less visitors.

maybe just macho me, but i like to cry and feel sorry for myself in private, do not need an audience.

OHS is tough on everyone close and around you and you will need them sporadically and healthy in weeks 2+...just been there

While at the hospital, Saw a 70ish father sleeping in a chair all night, looking over his 40ish old daughter, who was 2 days post op, struggling and on heavy meds, nurses having to work around him...very touching yes...but also saw him next morning and felt so sorry for the man, if he kept that up, what good would he be to her when she got released, no more nurses at home and he became the primary caregiver.

So the question for your caring family and friends is: "are they doing this for you or are they visiting at hospital for their needs, or did they offer, because they think it is expected and what would others think, if they did not offer"

Be sensitive, but be firm on what you think will work best for you
 
I'm going to be very frank here, so if you don't want to read it, please don't.


I also have to say this, we forget that after surgery there are some little things you would rather have be private. If you are a guy and don't have a catheter in, your urinal will be probably half full sitting right on your bedside table waiting to be emptied. If you have a catheter, your urine bag and the bottom part of the catheter will be hanging down from under the sheet for all the world to see and the nurse will be coming in periodically to empty it. You might have "gas" and you won't be able to hold it in. If you are a gal, and don't have a catheter, you will be using a bedpan, and when nature calls, you don't want to be sitting on the throne and entertaining visitors. That brings entertaining into a whole "nother realm. You may be coughing up junk, or even throwing up.

It's not really the time to be on stage for anyone. Close relatives and friends won't care about these things. But I remember one of Joe's not so close relatives wanting to visit him while in the ICU. She was a fairly young lady and she "sceeved" anything that had to do with body functions, IVs, hospital machinery, etc. made her physically ill. I allowed her to visit, and she did, but it was very brief and she never came back. That time, Joe had a urinary catheter, and because he also had diarrhea, he had a rectal tube and a nasal/gastruc tube. You could see all the body waste moving into the tubes. This wasn't after surgery this time, but for something else.

So, please be sensible with whom you wish to see you, not at your best. Some things are better left a mystery. :)
 
I feel like I am gilding the lilly at this point but then I am a card carrying lilly gilder. This can become a circus. My Mother, who is 80 and in poor health, announced her intention to "CAMP OUT!" in the hospital until the "let" me come home. She was quite put out with me when I said "NOOOOOOOOOO!" My Mother's well developed pattern is to arrive at a difficult time and create a new crisis centered around herself sometimes envolving rushing her to a hospital. I don't think she does this consciously but it has happened repeatedly. As I told her I would do, I arranged for my very thoughtful nephew to call her several times through the day with updates. When the day arrived, things worked well. My Nephew called my relatives and my friend, Dan, called several friends. Everyone got word of how things were going and there was no circus.

Larry
 
It's wonderful your family is so devoted and loving but try to explain to them you've learned this is an exhausting surgery. You will have absolutely no energy to spare for days. You need all your energy to focus on healing. I find hospital visitors who don't know enough to leave after 10-15 minutes to be inconsiderate. They've made that visit about them and not you, the patient.

I pleaded with my husband to keep everyone but a tiny select few away. I told my nurses I did not want a parade of visitors and they are excellent about keeping out visitors and/or asking them to leave when you are tiring. You will feel the need to interact with them and may not want to.

Speak with your nurse when you meet with them pre-op. Make your wishes known and they will be respected by hospital staff. This is one time in your life when you do not need to compromise. It is all about YOU.

Visitors are so much more appreciated and welcome IMO when you are home. Tell them to bring dinner when they come. :)
Sending all best wishes.
 
It's your time and your health and your wishes that are important - nothing else.

It's your time and your health and your wishes that are important - nothing else.

Hi TauntT and welcome to our world.

Here's what I did:
In ICU - restricted everyone except my husband.

In hospital room - ask the nurses to put a sign on my hospital room door that said, "No visitors allowed - check with the nurses' station." A nurse would physically come to my room and ask me if I wanted to see so-and-so. I didn't feel I caused extra work since I was paying over $1,000 a day for that private room.

I also unplugged the phone since the constant ringing would wake me and I didn't want to talk.

I sent all flowers to the nurses' station and to the nurse manager on the telemetry floor where I was. I got really good service...:) and I never sneezed....ouchie..!

This may sound odd to the folks on here who know me and know how very 'social' I am.., but when I'm sick, 'I vant to be alone..' Who said that?!?!:D
 
Maybe have a big "send off" party the this weekend and let everyone get all the hugs and tears and calming of fears in then? Then explain that you need to be strong and peaceful and calm just prior to the surgery. so have a limited amount of family at the hospital. Designate one or two to visit in ICU and provide updates and pass on info inthe first couple of days. You'll be out of it, so there is really nothing they can do to help you by watching you sleep. Probably would be best if you are not to be swamped with visitors until after you are home for a few days (reduce risk of someone bring in viruses and bacteria).
Last time I was in the hospital it was annoying to have visitors talking while I tried to sleep even though they were whispering.

Anyway--GOOD LUCK on Monday. I"m sure you'll do great.
 

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