Survivor guilt

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Marguerite53

Marguerite53

Premium Level User
Joined
May 18, 2004
Messages
3,635
Location
Oregon
Hey all! Sorry I've been away so much.... busy year..... moved across town, downsized, husband with new job, me starting a little online business (PM me if you're curious). Feel like I'm getting all my "ducks in a row" so I need to make time to be visiting here again.

My thread title is rather strong -- I'm not drowning in survivor syndrome or survivor guilt or PTSD (as it has apparently been renamed). But I do have questions for you.

A wonderful member or the community where we raised our children (and just moved from) passed away. His memorial service was this last Saturday (a chapel full of about 700 people -- yes, he was beloved). He was our children's principal through grade school and I worked with him often; just quick conversations, throughout the dozen years I volunteered weekly at their school. The obit only said that he died of complications from heart surgery.

I do not know his family. Our children are now all college graduates so many of the people in the room I hadn't set eyes on for 20 years (you know those little staring matches when you are trying to decide whether or not it's worth going up and talking to someone you think you used to know but aren't sure?) but who I really did not want to talk to. I was silently confused and somewhat angry. My husband and daughter were with me. (she adored this man, growing up -- he was a gem, truly). When we first walked in to the chapel, one woman greeting us I had just sat next to the week before at a wedding. Both of our daughters were in the wedding party. They did not go to the same grade school (they live in a neighboring town and met through sports), and I had forgotten that this woman was part of the doctoral program the deceased gentleman was now involved in (head of the university department). I asked her what happened (thinking she knew, maybe, about my surgery, but I think not, in retrospect). She said it was a valve replacement and he got a staph infection and they were (I think) operating to replace the valve and he died in the OR.

So I sat, listening to the jovial priest (it was a perfect service) but all the while, kind of swelling up with this anger. How could they have lost this man? He had so much work left to do. He was so amazing and so valuable and generous. Which stupid hospital was he in? How did he get that infection? you know..... who the **** screwed this up?? Who is gonna tell me what really happened?

I was feeling timid -- does anyone here know that I survived the same operation? Will they ask me about it? Will I stupidly blurt it out -- show my anger and frustration? I was relieved that my husband and daughter did not want to stay for the several more hours of designed story- telling and life sharing at the memorial service. She was exhausted (her boss's husband had just died 2 weeks before after a long and grueling illness and then she was in a huge wedding last week). But I am also sorry to have missed it. I could always call this woman to see how that went, and then fish for more information .... but I think I really should just let go of it all.

So here I am, days later. The curiosity (morbid curiosity? why do I need to know all the facts?) is waning some. I wanted to go right home and email this woman, whom I don't know all that well, really -- but pretty well -- to get more details -- like, which valve? Tissue or mechanical? Surgery was in FEBRUARY? How did this happen?? Was he in the hospital the whole time until now? Could I have known? Could I have helped advocate for him? Did SHE know this was happening to him. Why didn't she call me. Even his PhD in education doesn't give you the right training to know how to deal with doctors and surgeries like this!! Experience helps -- couldn't I have helped him? But what is the use? I am still going to feel awful. I can't change anything. I can't go around and say, look, I made it! Why didn't he? Am I mad because I wasn't on anyone's radar screen as someone who could have been helpful? Am I just sad?

So there you are...... Have any of you had these feelings?

Please help me shake this weird feeling. I've been a complete grouch ever since.

Thanks!

Marguerite
 
Marguerite,
I wouldn't call it morbid curiosity or weird feelings. I believe it to be human nature to be curious to know the facts. In some situations it's tough to get a real answer to "why?".

Since the murder of my cousin, I've ask myself many of the questions you have asked, and doing my best to cope with the many unanswered questions just as you are. If you know someone fairly well in regards of the deceased ask them your questions, but if you wait too long you might come across of being to nosy, or get 'none of your business' attitude from other people.

Otherwise the best thing you/we can do is to say a prayer.
 
Wow, Margurite, I can tell you are a compassionate and caring person. I too would be going through all the same thoughts.

I think it would be ok to ask as long as you share YOUR story so as not to seem nosey. Explain that you want to know what happened since you had the same surgery. I really think it would be ok. But that is just my opinion.

A staph infection does seem inexcusable though. :(
 
Thanks!
Geez, Freddie... murder? That's gotta be a humdinger to the soul. Wow. I had a very close friend commit suicide (which is essentially murder since she wasn't physically ill) and that was very soulfully draining. I'm sorry. That would definitely be a difficult thing to wrestle with.

And I'm glad for your opinion, Deux, since you haven't been through the surgery yet. I did find myself feeling pressured not to let too much time slip by. But, as the time is slipping by, I'm trying to turn to other ideas. I mean, I can't bring him back. I can assume that perhaps there might have been some kind of communication breakdown (we know lots of people here who have gotten infections and managed to pull through them), or he chose a smaller hospital locally, or he just had bad luck.

I have always wanted to look into volunteer work, like that of Mended Hearts. There is another thread going, currently, about that. But there is no chapter close to us and I don't know if I have the dedication to start one. I still may look into it further. Advocacy and giving voice are so important to people facing this surgery. It isn't something you really think that much about until a gray-zone kind of occurs, or there are questions that are being dodged that seem important.

Anyway, thanks.

Marguerite
 
I was in the category of "died due to complications following heart surgery" as that is what was said in the past for a case like mine but for the skill and knowledge of my surgeon and the power of prayer and I often ask why me........that year I "saw the light" a few times (once in May and twice as they removed my infected sternum in August) but I survived it is why we have started a sternectomy support site to shed the feeling of being alone in the world and a sort of freak THEN ALL I HAVE TO DO IS COUNT MY BLESSINGS of the last four years as we prepare to welcome another grand daughter in Sept

I have decided He has a plan for me and He will reveal it in time .....meanwhile I enjoy each day He has given me
 
Marguerite: Some how this little story that I heard last night seems like it applies to the bigger part of your questions. Our six year old grand-daughter and her three year old brother were having a "sleep over" at our house. I need to mention that their Grandma (my wife) is about the healthiest, most energetic 64 year old you will ever see. She still loves and teaches second graders, including all of the physical things you need to do to teach such young kids.

Now back to the story. The wind brushed the drapes aside, and Barb headed toward the bedroom door because Frisco sounded a little scared. Grandma heard Ellie comforting Frisco. She told him "Frisco, God is all around this house protecting us. You just can't see him until you are dead. Missy (our old dog who died recently) can see God right now because she is dead. And Grandma will be seeing God pretty soon because she is getting old. Barb and both found that to be pretty funny--but----I think there is a lesson there. The type and timing of death is different for us all.

This is really an amateur opinion, but I think the power behind these questions will fade with time. And I wholeheartedly concur that you are a caring and compassionate woman.
 
I too agree with Greg and Julian. I have found that when we start questioning why things happen, all we do is drive ourselves crazy. While we don't know what His plan is for our lives, I am just grateful for another day.
 
Thank you, everyone. I so appreciate your taking the time to listen to me and I am grateful that you heard me. So often, there just isn't any other place where I feel I am heard to the degree that I am here. I love this place.

Dennis, that story is just precious. You or Barbara must write that down somewhere! Children are so skilled at seeing, aren't they? They are so pure in thought.

Greg, Julian et al, yes, I hear you, thanks. I think part of me just needed to vent and that was part of my grieving process. I knew if I came here I could let the whole thing out and receive some lovely, helpful answers. The energy and effervescence that this man expressed about life so selflessly reminded me a lot of my father, too, I think. He passed away 3 years ago and it is still hard on me sometimes. Maybe some of that was welling up too.

It was just making me really cranky!! I am so much better now. I am going to let it be. Sigh. Okay.

Marguerite

P.S. Julian -- you're counting down to the BIG day it looks like! Godspeed to you!
 
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