Anyone else have young kids?

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Enudely

Active member
Joined
Oct 14, 2010
Messages
27
Location
Seattle, WA
First of all, hi everyone.
I'm back! I had my first AVR in 2004 and was told the valve would last 12-15 years. Now here I am not even 7 years later diagnosed with symptomatic aortic stenosis and in the process of scheduling another surgery for early Dec.
I am a young mom of a 1.5 year old and a 4.5 year old. :( They are both very attached to me, and the little guy is still nursing. I am just sick over the trauma this is going to cause them.
I am of course scared for myself as well, but mostly I am worried about them, especially the little guy. Is there anyone else here going through something similar?
 
Don't worry about them. They may have some short term confusion about what is going on, but it will not be long remembered. My kids were a little older, 6 & 8, now 49 and 51, and when we talk of those days now, they have very little, if any, recollection, and they have turned out to be very normal human beings, most of the time:wink2:. Welcome to this support site and please stick around:thumbup:.
 
Sorry you have to have your valve redone now, but I'm surprised they told you you could get 15 years at your age. I'm assuming the purpose of getting a tissue was to get those two little babies you are so worried about, so a least the valve allowed you to make that happen.

As far as traumatizing them, don't give it a second thought. They won't even remember it! Really, they will be fine. We have had many members on here who have had young children go through this and I'm sure they will all tell you that their children have come through it with flying colors. One member who I can think of who is currently active who had very young children who you may want to pm if she doesn't respond to this thread is Malibu. My children were teenagers, and did just fine with it.
 
I didn't have heart surgery, but if it helps at all, my son was 18 months old when HE had his 2nd heart surgery (the first was 10 days old I knew he wouldn't remember that) and I was really worried about how traumatizing it must be for him, since we couldn't really explain to him why we were letting all these people hurt him. He ended up having alot of complications and spent the next 6 months in and out of the hospital- mostly in (we lived 10 mins from CHOP so they would let him go home when he was doing better for a couple days and readmit him, (unlike other kids with the same thing that lived further so had to stay inpatient the whole time) so for the most part from the time he was 18 months until he was 2 he was in the hospital much more than he was home.
We made things as nice and fun as we could, but still beside the surgery and normal hospital stuff- they were tapping his pericardial sac for fluid every couple days. It was heartbreaking to me and my husband, but we never let him see we were sad or scared, just pretty much made the best of it.
Anyway HE handled it all amazingly well and when he did remember it even a couple years later, all he remebered were some fun things we did. By the time he was in kindergarden he didn't remember much of that time at all
So I think if you made this seem like a fun time for the kids, that they get to hang out with Grandmom, (or whoever is going to help watch them, while you are in the hospital) and they can make things for Mommy or help when you get home, and try to keep positive when the kids are around, they will do fine. and if they remember anything it will be fun things.
 
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This is one of those times when the best way to care for the little ones is to care for yourself both physically and mentally. If you are anxious, they will sense that and reflect it back to you. On the other hand, if you are calm they will also sense your calmness. From my own experience with a 4.5 and a 6 year old, I can tell you that it isn't going to be at all traumatic for them unless you make it traumatic. I would encourage you to talk to your older child and explain that there is a problem and that it can be fixed. One of our members even arranged to take his daughter to the hospital so she could see a room like the one he would be in. If you remove the mystery and approach it calmly your children are not going to suffer. If the older one remembers it at all, it will only be another incident in a young life filled with new adventures each one as important as the last because they don't have the perspective that life experience will later bring. Your own emotional state will color the experience for them much more than the actual fact of your surgery. Take care.

Larry
 
I just had my AVR a month ago. My son is 4 1/2 as well. I talked to him that Mommy would be going to the doctor for a while and the doctor was going to fix Momma's heart and help her to feel better. We talked about where he would be staying for a few days and that Momma would need some help for a while. My husband brought Will to the hospital to see me twice in the two weeks (It was over 2 hrs away) When he visited we answered his questions very to the point about what he was seeing. He was really interested in the machines. The first visit I covered every thing up because I still had an IV coming out of my neck. the second visit it was gone so G made me show Will my boo boo's incision and all with the staples in. It helped a lot because he had time to digest and ask questions and he could see that Momma was very hurt. When I got home He walked in on me changing a few times and he didn't blink an eye about it. When he gets too rough I remind him about my Boo-boo's and he calms down.

He missed me while I was gone, and I had to work hard to get him to listen to me again, but its all good now.
 
hi there. i responded in another one of your threads but will post here as well. the day of my surgery my babies were 17 months old and 5 months old. it was traumatic to me. somehow the night before i managed to maintain their normal schedules. i didn't want to mess it up for my mother in law who would watch them while i was in the hospital! i bought them each a little gift, and set it on the kitchen table along with a hand written note. (in my mind i was doing it just in case something happened to me) i didn't say goodbye to them before i left for surgery, it was 5:00am. they didn't come to visit me while i was in the hospital. i would talk on the phone to them. you are so drugged up for the most part in the hospital, that it will help you get through the feelings of missing them! and honestly they didn't seemed to concerned with me being gone! i think at that age, they get over things very quickly. my babies are both VERY attached to me but when i got home from the hospital, my 17 month old didn't even care! she didn't want to hug me. i was devastated and emotional! but that only lasted a few hours. then things were back to normal.

as you know, you will not be able to be alone with your babies for at least 7 weeks after surgery. you can not lift the 1.5 year old. i set up a schedule for someone to be with me, alternating days. i hope you have family close by that can and wants to help! they told me not to lift until 12 weeks, but at 7 weeks i was lifting and feeling no pain so i stopped my extra help.
 
I wrote a post on here back in Feb-March before my surgery with a script of what I told my 4 year old before my surgery, the script was given to me by the head of her nursery school who has helped parents with health issues many times over the years. If you can't find it using the search box, let me know and I'll repost it. My 4 year old handled it just fine, she couldn't wait to visit me in the hospital and she still talks about her "special" visits to me there, the doll she bought in the gift shop, etc.
 
Mentu said:
This is one of those times when the best way to care for the little ones is to care for yourself both physically and mentally. If you are anxious, they will sense that and reflect it back to you. On the other hand, if you are calm they will also sense your calmness. From my own experience with a 4.5 and a 6 year old, I can tell you that it isn't going to be at all traumatic for them unless you make it traumatic. I would encourage you to talk to your older child and explain that there is a problem and that it can be fixed. One of our members even arranged to take his daughter to the hospital so she could see a room like the one he would be in. If you remove the mystery and approach it calmly your children are not going to suffer. If the older one remembers it at all, it will only be another incident in a young life filled with new adventures each one as important as the last because they don't have the perspective that life experience will later bring. Your own emotional state will color the experience for them much more than the actual fact of your surgery. Take care.

Larry
Click to expand...

I took a very similar approach with my kids, and everything worked out very well. They did cry the first time the saw me in the hospital (after I'd left the ICU), but that's about it. Your youngest will be to young for this, but your older child may enjoy being able to play a part in your recovery routine--things like helping to get you snacks, drinks, etc., during your first couple weeks. My kids seemed to genuinely enjoy being able to help in this way, and I think it was therapeutic for them and for me!

Best of luck to you,
Nate
 
I have a very similar situation to you not only with the kids but also with the AVR!

I had my first AVR in 2004 with a tissue valve, was told it should last 10-15 years, wore out in 6 years. Had my second AVR 6 weeks ago, this time with a mechanical (ON-X) valve. Doing very well now especially for 6 weeks out, you can read about my experience more in the post-op forum.

At the time of my first AVR I had one son age 11 months. He definitey doesn't remember it, but it was VERY traumatic for me. THis time around, I have 3 boys: age 7, 4 and 7 months! So as you can imagine the situation was VERY different this time. As others have said here - the 7 year old is old enough to understand what is going on for the most part. He ended up being very mature throughout my recovery, helping not only me but helping with our 7-month old very often. My wife works full time and only had 1 day off, and we had a TON of help from family and friends who live near to us, but even with that it was very helpful and encouraging to see my oldest son really get into it and 'do his part'. someone advised me to give both oldest sons a 'job' before my surgery, and that job was to pray for me and for the success of my surgery. I feel that helped a ton, especially for the 4 year old because I think he was struggling a bit with how to fit in. the 4-year old also took it upon himself to have his job be handing me the chest pillow whenever I didn't have it! it was very cute and I didn't think much of it at first, but after a few weeks I realized that this was his job, and this was helping him to feel involved with helping me just like his older brother was doing.

I agree with what was said about the biggest impact you can have is how YOU appear and act in front of them, and how you handle yourself emotionally. In the weeks after the surgery, I struggled with emotions, to the point that I wondered if I had a bit of post-surgery depression, and a few times I found myself lashing out at my kids. BAD MOVE. so the best advice i could give would be to involve them as much as is appropriate for thieir age, and care for yourself mentally and it will help the kids with their 'recovery'....

-Eddie
 
hello Enudely,

I am also a 26 yrs old mum, I had my first baby in 22 may 2010, i didn't know my heart problem, i have been diagnosed valve disease and waiting a surgery for the first time mitrival valve replacement i am very confused.
 
I am a father of a three year old. My wife spent all but 9 hours with me at the hospital. My son was MAD at me for keeping mommy away but was glad I was okay. After the third day we brought him up to see me. Once I was home though he chilled out. It was actually one of the most awesome moments of my life coming home. We warned him I had boo boos. He was asleep on my bed. I walked in the room and quietly called his name till he woke up. He saw me and came running on the bed and lightly and gently but firmly gave me a hug and a kiss yelling DADDDDDYYYYY!! as soon as it was over he puts his arms on my shoulder pushes me back a bit and says .. Okaay wheres Mommy!!!

They are resilient. THe hardest thign was taken my wife and myself from my son but its better than taking myself permantely from my son. IN the long run you can explain it to the 4.5 yr old that its so mommy is around for a very long time.
 
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