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Christina L

Christina L

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 2, 2003
Messages
1,697
Location
Estes Park, Colorado
Hello everyone - it has been a while since I have posted a heart question on the board. I am due to have an echocardiogram (first in 2 years) in a couple of weeks and to see the cardiologist (had the last 2 years ago) after that. I am a medical transcriptionist and transcribe the most scary reports day after day. I have convinced myself that I have pulmonary hypertension and that my heart will be bigger than the last time (per the upcoming echo). I have been having some atrial flutter (I believe) for the first time since my surgery. I also have obstructive sleep apnea for which I am on a CPAP but a lot of times I wake up in the night and find that I have taken it off, although I do wear it probably 75% of the time.

I type these medical reports and then start looking on the internet reading voraciously and scaring myself silly. For those that don't know, I had a mitral valve repair in 2003 at the Cleveland Clinic by none other than Dr. Cosgrove. Right after that I was told that my valve area had some stenosis, albeit they told me it was mild.

I have been going into a depression again and obsessing about my heart. I have a 2-year-old adopted daughter from Vietnam who is my love and life. However, the depression is also because of her. I feel terrible, thinking that they are going to tell me I have PH or something like it, and we adopted her. Wayne is in his 50s and I have a faulty heart. What were we thinking? Now that we have her and love her so much, it "breaks my heart" (literally I think) to think that we will die early and leave her an "orphan" yet again.

I'm just looking for support, that's all, to get me through the next few weeks, whatever they may bring in the way of news about my heart. I know you all will understand. Thanks.

Christina L
 
Christina,

Good luck, I'll be praying for you. I think that if you are on the echo every two year program it is unlikely that you'll be in need of surgery immediately. It seems to me that every two year appts are all about seeing if you need to be on the every year program. And with luck (and prayer) you'll stay on the every two year program

Traveler
 
Traveler -

Traveler -

It was not the doctor's decision to see me every 2 years - time just got away from me with our adoption of Emma and I skipped last year's appointment. I do feel good overall, but there are a few things that are new that are bothering me and my last echocardiogram showed the stenosis which was classified as mild by the doctor, but by numbers it looks to be moderate. Thanks for your encouragement and most certainly prayers.
 
Christina, you have my prayers for a long life - for your baby, yourself, your husband - and all of us who love you. keep your faith strong. Blessins......
 
Hang in there. I know you read all the bad stuff. But look at the good stuff too. Easy to say I know. For me I had Quint bypass in 03. At the time I had a major murmur the Docs wanted to correct but decided because of the time I was on the table and the emergency bypass. They waited. In 2007 I had a major heart attack and my Cardio came in as said it looks like time to change the A valve. Well I waited for 3 days while they stabilized me. On the 4th day, Doc came in with a not happy look on his face during rounds. Seems the Risk Management team had scored me so low they took me off the OHS list. So basically I was sent home 2 days later and told to make myself as comfortable as possible. I went to the Cardiologist for my Oct 2009 check up and the Doc said. We can't wait any longer. He fast tracked everything himself. I had the Sonogram , then the echo on the neck, then a CT and MRI. He wanted to do the surgery the week before Thanksgiving but sat me down and spoke frankly. He said he'd put it off for a month if I needed time to get things right at home. That's a scary way of putting things. We decided on the the extra month. In the back and working really close to the front of my mind was the thought that this was my last Thanksgiving. Fear was all over me. Well guess what! We waited, because of the Risk Team, and in just three years some major stuff had changed. I had my A valve replacement Dec 16th and the only complications have been with the harvest site in my right leg. I'm still on a wound pump. But my heart, breathing and mind is now better than it's been in 6 years. I'm looking forward to the leg healing so I can start to plan my veggie garden. Man that makes me happy. I have gone from "sorry we can't do anything more for you" to FIXED ( in my mind ) in three years. So much has gotten so much better. You need to look up and onward! I'll be here if you need a sounding board. Fire away. Look at the saying at the end of my signature stuff. "Any day you can out crawl the worms, is a good Day!" Rick
 
Christina, I think if you found a therapist to see who specializes in helping people with medical issues, it would really help you. After my surgery, I found myself obsessing about these same sort of things and my anxiety level would get crazy sometimes. I found a therapist who was very good at helping me put those thoughts into perspective. She also made me promise to limit my time on the internet "researching" all of my ailments to a very small amount of time each week. After about 6 sessions, I felt much better and quit seeing her, but wouldn't hesitate going back if I felt the need.

It's good that you are going for a check-up. You will then have concrete facts about your condition. If something shows up, a plan can easily be put into place to take care of it. I have a feeling that you'll get a good report.

Kim
 
This is a struggle, I know! I was only a couple of months from completing my training to be a Registered Nurse when I was 22, when I realized I had to distance myself from all of that. (Not that you can distance yourself totally from those things you type!) I got just enough knowledge about my heart stuff to make good decisions. Unlike others on this list I cannot tell you all of the details of the decline of my heart valve. I never have read my surgical reports. I find that not fixating on my situation and learning to meditate/pray and "let-go and let-God" has helped my fears greatly. Best of luck in moving ahead with your medical situation! I will hold you in my heart!
 
Oh, Christina-
I agree with all of the suggestions here. I see a lot of your worries in myself and can totally relate. My Dad always asks me why I spend so much time worrying about things I can't control, so I will ask you that, too. Instead, maybe focus on those things you can control--taking better care of yourself, living and enjoying the moments now, setting up "plan B" for your daughter in the unlikely event she is orphaned. We never know when our time is up, so as long as you do everything you can to make sure your daughter is loved and cared for today and in the future, she's a very lucky little girl. I know it is cliche, but you or your husband could pass in an accident tomorrow, so the age/health thing doesn't really matter. Sometimes those health issues are a blessing in disguise becasue they force us to take better care of our selves and to enjoy our lives today. There's never been a bettter time to have a medical issue--technology has come so far, so please focus on all the positives that you have around you. Hope that helps.
 
I know you are worried about PH and have been for some time. But if PH were an issue, you would certainly be feeling very badly, and that doesn't seem to be the case. That is a situation that comes with a lot of fairly dramatic symptoms. Worrying about things before you really have to worry about them is a terrible waste of valuable time. This is time you could be spending with your daughter and husband as a loving family. You don't want to rob your family of your love and companionship due to unnecessary worrying.

Look at this realistically. You must have been feeling quite well since you canceled your last year's appt. If you felt poorly, you would have made a considerable effort to get in and let them assess you.

You said that overall, you are feeling well. I say, go with that and expect a positive appointment.

Please let us know how it goes.
 
Sending you best wishes for strength and peace of mind, Christina. Given that you transcribe medical reports, that can put scary thoughts in your mind -- and then doing Internet searches for further info can make scary stuff even scarier. But so often, reality does not turn out to be the nightmare that one has conjured. I wish you ways to gain a more relaxed, calmer perspective. Others have given some some great advice here.
 
Hi Christina,
First of all remember that you can't change anything that happened in the past. You are the loving parents of a beautiful daughter and as it has already been mentioned no one knows the future. You didn't go into this adoption lightly. You researched and spent a lot of time praying about your decision as well as having much prayer support from people you truly care for you. (Like me:)) We've talked about you living in God's country howbeit a very high altitude and that the altitude being a contributor to pulmonary pressure problems. Is it possible that you could move to a locality of a lower altitude and Wayne being able to stay at his present job? It may not even turn out to be an issue but the time may come when you have to consider it.
In the meantime, do what you can to be patient. I'll try to look for the link but I recently watched a video on pulmonary hypertension and the speaker was both a pulmonary specialist and a researcher. One of the most encouraging things I took away from it was that he said only about 20 to 25 percent overall of people with pulmonary hypertension die from it....and that was all groups. For most diseases that would seem like a really high number but you and I both know that until recently that figure was much higher. I still have it but I'm doing just fine. You and your family are in my prayers. Love and hugs to you, my friend. Betty
 
My husband stated after his surgery that he hoped he would live to see all our nine grandchildren graduate from school. My 42 year old son died after a freak boating accdent in September, he had just seen one of his three daughters graduate in June. We cannot predict the future. Love your husband,daughter,family and friends and enjoy every moment of your life. God does not promise us forever here on earth.
 
I can empathize with the post-surgery depression. For nearly two years after mine, I struggled with anxiety and depression after my valve repair. Of course, my mother was diagnosed with cancer and died four months later a year after my surgery.

I'm doing much better now, and I know that in my case, I did worry about my repair not lasting. In my mind, it was "I had my valve fixed, but when am I going to need it replaced?" I still think abouit it every now and then, but I have just decided if it happens, it happens. There's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Just focus on your loving husband and lovely daughter, try not to stress so much (believe me, easier said than done), and try to keep away from researching health stuff online. I did when my valve failed and got myself all freaked out and I irritated the heck out of my husband. I also did that when I was diagnosed with V-Tach, peripheral artery disease, and Reynaud's syndrome. Doesn't exactly make for romantic conversation. :p

I wish you the best--remember, you have a second chance at life. Embrace it with all your heart! :D
 
I can imagine that constantly typing medical reports could make a person into a hypochondriac. I have heard that medical students also think they have every disease in the book! However, try to relax at least until you get your next echo in a couple of weeks. Maybe you will have worried for nothing.

I know, that's easy for me to say. I already put up a post about being worried about what my last echo said.
 
I can certainly understand how your job has increased your stress level. I hope that everything turns out ok with your appt. It's good that you're going - if something is not quite right you can take steps to remedy it and if everything's alright you can have peace. In the meantime don't forget one of the quotes in your signature: Don't fear tomorrow - God is already there.
 
Thank you all -

Thank you all -

there is no other place and no other people I can turn to except for VR.com and its members when I am feeling low or scared or have questions regarding my heart. It is like a family here, truly, and I was very sad to hear that some of the family members left the forum. :( I sure hope they come back - hint!

I can't begin to thank each one of you individually but each of you had amazing things to say to me - it really brought me strength and the will to keep putting one foot in front of the other until I meet with my cardio on the 27th of this month and get the scoop on what, if anything, is going on with my heart.

Oh and my yes, being a medical transcriptionist is just rotten when you have a health problem yourself! When I was younger and didn't have a care in the world (ha), I would transcribe reports and not give them a second thought except "how awful it must be to be that sick!" Now... And I cannot quite figure out how when I am worried about something that I get all reports to transcribe regarding that health concern, i.e. sleep apnea, enlarged hearts, and pulmonary hypertension. Sheesh.

I would LOVE to take on another line of work, but since I can work out of the home, this works for us right now having Emma and all. When she is a bit older and in a PT preschool/daycare situation, I plan to look for something "fun" outside the home in the way of a PT job.

Betty, can you believe one of the things you said REALLY helped me...that people don't necessarily die from PH. (I am so much a female Woody Allen - lol) I am just as worried about decline and disability especially when Emma is a young girl/woman. And FYI - we ARE planning to put our house on the market March 1 - not because of my health (which is really why we should have moved 3 years ago when I first found out about the sleep apnea) but because Wayne commutes almost 3 hours out of every day and at our ages, every hour is precious that we get to spend with Emma. We would live 3000 feet lower in elevation. My former cardiologist said that would not make a difference (he said we would have to move to sea level IF I ever developed a pulmonary issue). From experience, I know it makes a difference. I feel like a load has been lifted when we are out and about on the Colorado Front Range/Denver.

And also, I do think pretty much all the time that I will have to have a replacement valve someday. My cardiologist told me when he first saw the echo report post surgery that he thought the repair would last my lifetime. I never really believed him. :( I do forget about my heart most of the time, when it is not doing weird things (like it is now). This could also all be part and parcel of going into menopause also, I don't know.

The only thing that helps besides all of you, is God of course. There is nothing like prayer - it gives a sense of peace even if faith is not strong at the moment.

You all are so wonderful. I will let you know ASAP what I find out on the 27th. I am scared, very, but I WILL get through this, I have to, for the sake of our family. Emma was brought into our life against all odds really, and I do need to take that as a "yes" from God that she was meant to be with us, for however long. Oh my, have I said just how precious this little one is? :) We absolutely adore her.

Hugs to everyone - I really covet your continued prayers that God will give me strength and peace.

Christina L
 
Christina,

Thoughts/prayers coming your way.....



Cort | 36swm.IL | "Mr Monte Carlo"."Mr Road Trip" | pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.legos.HO.models.MCs.RTs.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Waiting to be mended like a potter would mend a broken vase" ... Larry Gatlin & The Gatlin Brothers ... 'Broken Lady'
 
Blessings and Prayers

Blessings and Prayers

It is so easy to let our minds run away with us and much easier to concentrate on the bad rather than the good. I spent a good part of my life in cardiology and it seemed ironic that I would need valve repair after I got out of it. I would replay stuff in my head that I heard during my years in medicine. It can be scary to know what we do in medicine as a layman.

It is very important to concentrate on the good things, at the risk of sounding like Joyce Meyer, the Good Lord would not bring you this far to leave you now. It is wonderful that you have shared your life with a child who would NEVER know the love you give her if you had not adopted her. Force yourself to concentrate on the good things, make lists about the blessings you have, make everyday count.

Use the forum, call a friend or just spend some quality time with your family and try not to let work drag you down. I know it is easy for me to tell you what to do, but I will keep you in my prayers! Hang in there! It is only a season!
 
Like others have said, I'm sure that by having to transcribe medical reports for others, you may start seeing & even feeling some of the same symptoms that you are reading about.

Our thoughts & worries can drive us absolutely insane if we allow them too. The same goes when reading about a certain ailment or medical condition on the web. All of a sudden, everything that you're reading is applying to you or so, you are letting it apply to you.

Think positive thoughts & put you faith & trust in the Lord. That's all we can do ---- some things are just beyond our control and we can't spend our precious time worrying about the "what if's" instead of focusing on today & those that you love!

Wishing you the very best results with you upcoming Echo. :)
 
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