Joke time

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A mother found out she was pregnant and told the good news to anyone who would listen. One day, when mother and son were shopping , a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby. "Yes ! " the four-year-old said, "And I know what we are going to name it too. If it's a girl we are going to call Mary, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits ! "
 
Angry wife to her husband

Angry wife to her husband

An angry wife to her husband on phone : "Where the hell are You ...?"
Husband : "Darling , do you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and you totally fell in love with it? I didn't have money at that time and I said : 'Baby, it'll be yours 1 day' ..."
Wife, with a smile & blushing : "Yeah I remember that, my love!"
Husband : "well, I ‘m in the pub just next to that shop!"
 
Dating in 1957

Dating in 1957

Dating in 1957 This is cute.


You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this...

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1957 and Fred had a
date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell.

"Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink?
Lemonade? Iced tea?"

"Iced tea, please," Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.

"So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.

"Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the
malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..."

"Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.

"Uh...really?" Fred replied, with raised eyebrows.

"Oh, yes!" the mother continued. "When she goes out with her friends,
that's all they do!"

"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.

"Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if
we let her!"

"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about
alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture wearing a pink blouse and full circle skirt, and with her hair
tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She greeted Fred.

"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the
house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "The dance is
called the Twist!!!!"
 
A Catholic Heart Attack

A man suffered a serious heart attack and consequently had a quadruple heart bypass surgery. He woke up to find that he was in the care of nuns at a catholic hospital. When he had recovered sufficiently a nun began to ask him questions as to how he was going to pay for the treatment he has had.

The nun asked…"Do you have health insurance?"

The patient replied in a rapsy voice…."No health insurance.."

The nun asked …."Do you have money in the bank?"

The patient replied…"No money in the bank."

Somewhat impatient the nun asked…"Do you have a relative who will be willing to help you settle the account for your treatment?"

The patient replied…"I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly.."Nuns are not spinsters! They are married to God."

The patient retorted.." Then send the bill to my brother in law.”
 
Pooches vs. Mooches

Pooches vs. Mooches

The Mooches vs. The Pooches

This story supposedly is true, though it occurred many years ago somewhere in California. I'll call the hospitable family "A" and the moochers "B".

A hospitable family has been allowing some neighbors to come over frequently for dinner with their family because they think these neighbors are very poor and can't afford to feed themselves and their children properly. This has been going on for many years.

Then one day Mrs. A overhears Mrs. B describe their nice vacation to Disneyland and Universal Studios in Anaheim with the money they have saved from eating over at their "friends'" house to another friend. Then Mrs. B goes on about other trips and luxuries they have been able to afford over the years. It turns out that the B family actually has a higher income than the A family. This infuriates Mrs. A, but she is a kindhearted person and can't bring herself to directly confront the B family, so she talks to her husband and children and asks them for ideas. They come up with a fantastic plan to which they all agree.

The B family comes over for dinner as usual the next night, dressed 'poorly' as is their habit. The A family politely listens again, apparently sympathetically, to family B's stories of financial 'woe' and day-to-day 'struggles' to 'make ends meet'. Most of the time right after dinner the B family would excuse themselves after thanking the A family effusively for their kindness and generosity. This time, however Mrs. A wants to show them their unique way of washing the dishes.

Mrs A says, "Mr. and Mrs. B and kids, come into the kitchen. I want to show you something. You know how expensive water is these days, with the drought and all of that. Also how dishsoap is murder on my hands?" She shows them her perfect hands (In reality she wears rubber gloves while doing the dishes.). "Years ago we came up with a solution to both of these problems. I bet nobody else you know washes dishes the way we do it."

The A family kids and her husband clear the table of the dishes and carry them into the kitchen and lay them out neatly on the floor. The B family is perplexed and curiously follows family A into the kitchen. Then Mrs. A whistles and calls in their four small house dogs (assorted mutts and a dachshund) and says, "Time to wash the dishes!!" The little dogs, always begging at the table, eagerly run in to do their part.

The dogs go to town on each plate, licking every scrap of leftover dinner off. The pointed snout of the dachshund fits nicely into each milk glass so he licks each one until it sparkles. Then they noisily lick clean each utensil. Finally the dogs wander off to Mrs. A saying, "Such good little dishwashers aren't you!" Then to the B family she says with a broad smile, "They're so cute when they're helping around the kitchen, aren't they?" She can't help but notice that the every member of the B family has a shocked look on his/her face and is speechless. The plan is working better than she had hoped. Now to swoop in for the kill...

Mrs. A then picks up a shiny spotless plate and says with an even broader smile (inwardly she struggles to keep from bursting out in laughter), snapping it with a forefinger to make it ring, "Perfectly clean, not a spot on it!" Then she and her husband and kids put away the 'clean' dishes. The B family is still silent at this point, with looks of disgust and horror even more obvious now on each face. Mrs. A says, "Not a drop of wasted dishsoap, nor a drop of water, either. Clean dry dishes, clean dry sink. What else can you ask for?" Then she puckishly adds, "See you all here tomorrow night. You may stick around after dinner and watch our darling little doggie dishwashers do their jobs again if you'd like."

The B family quickly excuse themselves. When the B family is completely gone, the A family, roaring with laughter, takes down the dog-licked dishes and utensils and washes them properly with soap and water.

The B family doesn't come back.

Family A, The Pooches: 1

Family B, The Mooches: 0

Enjoy! :cool:

Chris
 
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Love Making Tips For Seniors
...
1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, In case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.

6. Use extra polygrip so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act..

8. Make all the noise you want... The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news!!

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ... . . . . . . . . . . .

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs And make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes. And you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

'OLD' IS WHEN....
You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police .

'OLD' IS WHEN..
'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...
An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...
You are not sure if these are facts or jokes?

(I sent this in large type so you can read it)
 
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North American Naming

North American Naming

A little Canadian Indian boy asked his father, the Big Chief of the tribe :
"Father, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have short names like Bill , Tex or Sam?"

"My son", replied his father, "Our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem in our culture; not like the white men who live all together and merely repeat their names from generation to generation.
For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake because, on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake.

Then there's your brother, White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and of the life force of our people. It's really very simple and easy to understand”.

"Do you have any other questions for me, Little Broken Condom Made In China ?" :biggrin2:
 
Two backpackers were hiking in the wilderness, and just as they turned a corner on the path - they encountered a very hungry grizzly bear. "At the count of three, run away", muttered the first backpacker. "One, two, three...." and they both ran with the bear in full pursuit. "What are you doing???" screamed the first backpacker, as the second backpacker ran by him. " I don't have to out run the bear......." yelled back the second backpacker, "...........I just have to out run YOU!!!!"
 
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it.

Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection
 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GcMWMYwSPQ
My personal favorite defense gun has always been a Beretta Jetfire in 22 short. I have carried it for many years including while hiking. I never leave without it.

Of course the first rule when hiking in the wilderness is to use the "Buddy System". This it means you NEVER hike alone, you bring a friend, companion or even an in-law because if something happens there is someone to go get help.

I remember one time while hiking with my brother-in-law in northern Alberta out of nowhere came this huge brown bear charging us and was she mad. We must have been near one of her cubs.

Anyway, if I had not had my little Jetfire I would not be here today. Just one shot to my brother-in-law's knee cap and I was able to escape by just walking at a brisk pace.

That's one of the best pistols in my collection

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0GcMWMYwSPQ
 
Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' 'Of course, child. What may I do
for you?'

'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's
birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs
for me? Under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to
declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which
is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.Next!'
 
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