Joke time

[Greg a]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen, where if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

He threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the chocolate chip cookies was already in his mouth.

With a trembling hand he reached up to the edge of the table, when suddenly he was smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Stop" she said. "Those are for the funeral."

 

[Greg a]

 

[Greg a]

 

[Bina]

This 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting.

When she went before the judge, he asked her, “What did you steal?”

She replied, “A can of peaches.” The judge then asked her why she had stolen

the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then

asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge

said, “I will give you 6 days in jail.” Before the judge could actually pronounce

the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if

he could say something. The judge said, “What is it?”

The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”

 

[Greg a]

Gotta love old Geezers!

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

 

[Greg a]

Why men don't write advice ........

Why men don't write advice ........

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour’s daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and our neighbour’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counselling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely. Sheila.

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:biggrin2:
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Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking there is no debris in the fuel line. If it clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the inlet manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.
John

 

[Eva]

:biggrin2: :biggrin2: :biggrin2: :wink2:​

 

[Greg a]

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a
curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice
asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them!

 

[Greg a]

A few good Senior Moments

Morris

Morris had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.


A month later, Morris went back to the doctor and the doctor said, 'Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

Morris replied, 'Oh, I haven't told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to them talk. I've changed my will three times!'




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Morris and Abe
Morris and Abe had gone to lunch when Abe turned to Morris and says: 'Morrie, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Morris says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really! Like a newborn baby!'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'


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Hospital Regulations

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'




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A Nonagenarian Couple


A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.



'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure...'



'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.

'Where's my toast?'


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A Senior Citizen


A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: 'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'


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Three Old Guys


Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I.? Let's go get a beer.'


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The Neighbor


A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.

It's perfect.'

'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'

'Twelve thirty.'


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Morris Again


Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'

Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'

The doctor said, 'I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'


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One more...!

A Little Old Man
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[normofthenorth]

Hey Greg a, I think you've been silent too long -- are you SURE you don't know any jokes?

OK, we've already had a few "dark" "gallows humor" jokes, so here's another one of those. (I hope this wasn't already posted somewhere on pp. 2-28!!)

A woman goes for a checkup and is told out of the blue that she's got end-stage cancer, and probably only about 12 hours to live. She shares the news with her husband when he comes to pick her up. After they both have a good hug and a long cry, he tells her that he's going to give her the night of her dreams, the night of a lifetime.

First, they put on their best duds and go for the best meal in the best and most expensive restaurant in town. Then it's off dancing, and then to a fancy after-hours club.

"And now," the woman says, I want you to take me home and make passionate love to me all night."

"Sure, that's easy for you to say," the husband says, "but some of us have to get up in the morning!"

 

[Greg a]

Grandparents


Grandmas are moms with lots of frosting. ~Author Unknown

What a bargain grandchildren are! I give them my loose change,
and they give me a million dollars' worth of pleasure. ~Gene Perret

Grandmothers are just "antique" little girls. ~Author Unknown

Perfect love sometimes does not come until the first grandchild.
~Welsh Proverb

A grandmother is a babysitter who watches the kids instead
of the television. ~Author Unknown

Never have children, only grandchildren. ~Gore Vidal

Becoming a grandmother is wonderful. One moment you're just
a mother. The next you are all-wise and prehistoric. ~Pam Brown

Grandchildren don't stay young forever, which is good because
Grandfathers have only so many horsey rides in them. ~Gene Perret

When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window.
~Ogden Nash

Grandma always made you feel she had been waiting to see just
you all day and now the day was complete. ~ Marcy DeMaree

Grandmas never run out of hugs or cookies. ~Author unknown

Grandmas hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our
hearts forever. ~Author Unknown

If I had known how wonderful it would be to have grandchildren,
I'd have had them first. ~Lois Wyse

My grandkids believe I'm the oldest thing in the world. And after
two or three hours with them, I believe it, too. ~Gene Perret

If becoming a grandmother was only a matter of choice, I should
advise every one of you straight away to become one. There is
no fun for old people like it! ~Hannah Whithall Smith

It's such a grand thing to be a mother of a mother - that's why the
world calls her grandmother. ~Author Unknown

Grandchildren are God's way of compensating us for growing
old. ~Mary H. Waldrip

You do not really understand something unless you can explain
it to your grandmother. ~Proverb

An hour with your grandchildren can make you feel young again.
Anything longer than that, and you start to age quickly. ~Gene Perret

The best baby-sitters, of course, are the baby's grandparents. You
feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long
periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida. ~Dave Barry

I wish I had the energy that my grandchildren have - if only for
self-defense. ~Gene Perret

Grandmother-grandchild relationships are simple. Grandmas
are short on criticism and long on love. ~Author Unknown

Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do.
Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of
little children. ~Alex Haley

Grandmother - a wonderful mother with lots of
practice. ~Author Unknown

A grandparent is old on the outside but young on
the inside. ~Author Unknown

One of the most powerful handclasps is that of a new
grandbaby around the finger of a grandfather. ~Joy Hargrove

It's amazing how grandparents seem so young once you
become one. ~Author Unknown

If your baby is "beautiful and perfect, never cries or fusses,
sleeps on schedule and burps on demand, an angel all the
time," you're the grandma. ~Teresa Bloomingdale

Grandparents are similar to a piece of string - handy to have
around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their
grandchildren. ~Author Unknown

What is it about grandparents that is so lovely? I'd like to say
that grandparents are God's gifts to children. And if they can
but see, hear and feel what these people have to give, they
can mature at a fast rate. ~Bill Cosby

Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge
that he's married to a grandmother. ~G. Norman Collie

 

[Davidr]

This thread has given me too many good laughs for me not to post...this one's somewhat naughty (but in line with some others I've read here)

Three little old ladies were sitting on their front porch when a streaker runs up to them, opens his coat and exposes himself to them.

Two of the ladies have a stroke

But Marge, who is a lot older than the others, and rather frail, can't reach, so she just watches!

 

[Greg a]

'Hello, is this the Police Department?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Gary Riche...He's hidin'
marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside
them logs, but he's hidin' it there..'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'

The next day, twelve St Johns Police Officers descend on Gary 's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They sneer at Gary and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Gary 's house.

'Hey, Gary ! This here's Floyd....Did the Police come?'

'Yeah!'

'Did they chop your firewood?'

'Yep!'

'Happy Birthday, buddy!'

 

[Bina]

Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion!!
This is good to know!!

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Medical researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

rather than human blood.

**It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.



OK, I'll be going to my room now. :redface2:

 

[Greg a]

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

6. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

7. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

8. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

9. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

10. A calendar's days are numbered.

11. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

12. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

13. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

14. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

15. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

16. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .

17. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

18. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

19. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

20. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

21. The roundest knight at king Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.

22. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

23. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

24. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a
weapon of math disruption.

25. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

26. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

27 Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

28. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall.
The police are looking into it.

29. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

30. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

31. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

32. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital.
When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

33. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

34. Don't join dangerous cults: practice safe sects.

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahahahaha lmao!!
There's are brilliant, thanks for making me laugh xxx :thumbup:

 

[Bina]

A bakery owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear

very short skirts and thong panties.


One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and

at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the

location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea.


"I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.

The clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin

bread located on the very top shelf.

The man standing almost directly beneath her, is provided with

an excellent view, just as he thought.

When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better

get two loaves, as he is "having company for dinner."


As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the

other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of

raisin bread.

After many trips, she is tired, irritated and begins to wonder

"why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?"


Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at

the men standing below.

Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.

Thinking that she can save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is

it raisin for you too?"

"No," stammers the old man, "but it's quivering a little."

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Hahahah Bina, Brilliant xxxx

 

[Bina]

Husband comes home Drunk



Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!!

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed! He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son. what happened last night?'

'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind you fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'

His son replies, 'Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!!'

 

[Cris N]

Ooohhh... that's a good one!