Date set for Feb 3rd,Advice on dealing with kids,work

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Nicholas288

Well-known member
Joined
Mar 23, 2009
Messages
52
Location
Sayville NY USA
Hey all,
Well I officially got my day. I go in on the 2nd for a cath. stay the night and am operated on the 3rd.

Two quick questions, I have 2 young girls 3 & 6. I am not worried about the 3 year old because she won't understand it but what do i say to the 6 year old? Am i better off starting to warm her up to it now so she will be prepared or is it better to wait until a week before so she doesn't worry? I have a family member staying with them while i am in the hospital and my wife will be there.

Also regarding work, I run my own business. What do you tell your staff or customers? Did you leave a message on your voice mail that you aren't going to be able to be reached for a few weeks? I couldn't reach out to all but i am not sure how to handle it.

I am sure I will have more questions but as always, thanks
Nick
 
I'll offer my 2 cents regarding your question about your children. I would not discuss it until it's almost time for the surgery. A week can be a lifetime for a young children and knowing too far in advance might become a black cloud on their horizon.
 
Like Duffey said, I would only tell the older child the week before.
I would limit the details to the bare minimum. "Daddy is going to the hospital for a needed repair, and Mommy needs you to be a special helper while I am away." Only you know how sensitive and/or mature your child is, and you can answer questions accordingly.
 
Nick, i waited and told my youngest that i had to go to the dr. and get my heart fixed. When i got back, he saw my chest and said my bo bo is getting better. Youll know how to say it when its time.
 
My daughter was 2 1/2 when I had my first surgery. We told her mommy needed to go to the hospital to have her heart fixed. We brought her to the hospital when I checked in, and she cried when she had to leave with her grandparents and leave her mommy and daddy at the hospital. My great aunt came and took care of her at our house.
When I returned in a week, the first thing she said to me was,'I want to see your scar'! What a kid. When I had my 2nd ohs, she was 14 and was tramatized seeing me in icu with my eyes bandaged shut. So, for my 3rd ohs, she didn't want to be at the hospital at all. She waited and came home the week I was released from the hospital.
 
My surgery was on October 15 of this year. I have four children, at the time the oldest was almost eight (on the 21st - yes, I wrecked his birthday), 5 1/2, 3 1/2, and 4 1/2 months. The oldest three are boys. We waited until a couple of days before and told them that Daddy had something inside him that the doctors needed to fix and that he wouldn't be home for a few days. We also told them that when I got home, the recliner would be my recovery chair and they had to leave Daddy alone when he was in the recliner.

We were fortunate in that my in-laws are both retired and live close. They were very helpful with the kids and my wife was a saint. My wife made a video of me at the hospital after my surgery was done and I was ready to talk. I said a little something for all the kids and she showed the video to them before I came home so they'd have a little idea of what to expect. The biggest issue was don't jump on Daddy until he's better. Other then that, they handled it quite well.
 
First, congratulations on getting your surgery date. We'll all be following your progress and pulling for you.

Second, I think the others with personal experience have given you great advice about telling young children what's what. A week or so ahead of the date ought to be sufficient, and phrasing the explanation in a getting-it-fixed manner is good. Cautioning kids not to jump on you when you get home is also a good idea. :)

Both my children were in their 30s at the time of my surgery. Still, there is worrying. My son really had a rough time upon visting me in the ICU soon after surgery and seeing all those wires and tubes. I would advise against any sensitive family members visiting until you are in a regular room with the breathing tube out.

All best to you as you make preparations....
 
I can imagine it would be hard knowing what to say to kids, but I have none - and it was my MOTHER who had a hard time - she said OHS is expected to be happening to her friends (mid 70s), but not to her baby (I was 52 years young at the time).

However you handle it with your kids, good luck.

I too am self employed; I would tell your staff/employees sooner rather than later; also stress the "getting-a-problem-fixed" angle. I don't see anything wrong with leaving a voice-mail message that says you are unreachable until (a date) or for a few weeks due to an elective surgical procedure, then direct them to someone who might be able to help them in your absence (eg, if this is about a shipment, talk to Jane at ext. 23 or whatever). Also, put your e-mail on forward to someone else or "vacation" response.

OTOH, I had my surgery on a Thursday, got held in ICU because there were no beds for me in the step-down unit, and was released the following Wednesday, 6 days after surgery. I was working from home on the Thursday (e-mails, phone calls, that sort of thing) and opened my first retail store 3 weeks after surgery.
 
Hi Nick,
Firstly all the best for your Op.
My kids at the time were 12yrs and 18yrs. and from the time I found out that I had to have a Aortic Valve replacement to the day I went in was 4 weeks, it was quick. I told my kids what was going to happen but I suppose I didn't tell them what could happen.I didn't want them to worry, the oldest knew.Not to sound negative but I sat down one night and wrote a letter to my boy's from my heart, it help me a great deal writing the letter.
My oldest son went and got a tatto on his arm, it was my name. There was a reason why he wanted it.
You do what your heart tells you too.
 
Hi Nick, we'll be watching for you in post-surgery and sending our get well wishes.

Jeanette, I like your idea about telling people about an "elective surgical procedure." I can just imagine what some folks would be thinking. :D (Plastic surgery, LOL.)
 
I agree to not tell them until closer to the surgery. I also agree with not letting them see you in the ICU. I remember when I was younger and my sister was in the hospital, I saw her in ICU and to this day I remember it and how frightened I was. I ran out crying.

As for work, I don't own my own business, but I have my own clients. I told our very long standing and "frequent flyers" in person; either face to face or via phone. The rest you could leave a voice mail saying you are out of the office and/or unreachable until...
 
Nick, I, too, am self employed. I found that leaving a simple message mentioning "elective surgery" as NETMIF suggested and forwarding their call to my office manager worked really well. Doing some work from home didn't prove to be a great problem for me either. You just have to listen to your body and ensure that during recovery work does not limit your need to walk and rest during those early weeks.

With respect to your children, a brief telephone call when you can manage it will help relieve their concerns and a video sounds like a great follow up. Even though they do not know the details, they will pick up a sense that something serious is happening. My four year old wanted to know where I was going so a few days before surgery we drove by the hospital and walked in the park across the street. After I got out of the ICU I called and she wanted to know if I my heart "had been fixed" so I was able to reassure her that it had been.

Larry
 
Nick,

We have a couple things in common... besides our names, I'm also scheduled for surgery on Feb 3rd. Best of luck! But like you said, I too am more worried about my mom than anything else. I just keep reassuring her about how much better/stronger I'll be afterward and that all those ugly tubes and machines are just helping me get better and better. Even though she's been through this with me before, I know she's more stressed out than I am for this upcoming surgery. I'm not sure how you're doing on the inside, but I'm staying as positive as can be. Not only does it help me but my mom and the rest of the family feed off of that as well!

Take care and best wishes for smooth sailing on the 3rd.

Nik
 
I have twin girls who were three years old when I had my OHS (five months ago). They're the cuties on my lap in the picture above.

We elected to tell them fairly early (maybe a month before) and start preparing them both for the time I would be in the hospital and especially the time when I returned. We were concerned that they'd be scared and confused when a healthy dad leaves one day and comes back a week later very clearly unhealthy and 'different.' Remember, it could easily be six months until you are back to 100%, particularly from a kid's perspective (wrestling with them, chasing them, etc.). At the very least you will be restricted from picking your children up for a number of weeks. I'm no child psychologist but I sure didn't want them to feel rejected by this so we repeated it quite a few times. We wanted to make sure they knew what was going on (as best as a 3 year old could). Obviously, we didn't go into the details but we explained that daddy had an 'owie' in his chest that needed to be fixed.

We even took them to the hospital a few times while I was in recovery (but after most of the tubes were out, of course) so that they could see me and see that I was recovering, but I certainly understand that might not be appropriate for all children.

One thing that was particularly helpful was demystifying the hospital through children's books. There are numerous books about the hospital, some about the child themselves as the patient and others about a parent or grandparent in the hospital. We actually found both to be helpful. It's very helpful to have them see a beloved character (Maizy, for example) go to the hospital and then recover.

Here's a list of all children's books at Amazon that have the word 'hospital' in the title:

http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=node=4&field-keywords=hospital.

We continue to read the hospital books to them as part of their normal book collection, which is a great way to remind them how daddy got his owie and why he (still, unfortunately) can't play ogre with as much scary vigor as they were used to.
 
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