what if there isn't a transition back to normal life?

[Julian]

I guess that after this year I can honestly say I'm not sure I believe in that anymore, but I know it won't cause any harm. This has been a tough year for me with my Father (cancer, expected outcome, time to get used to it) then my Wife (sudden death from unknown brain cancer) passing away. God did not once answer my prayers about my lovely wife. I can only say that I feel that if there is a God then he/she seems to want to punish and torment me for some reason.

Sorry to seem 'heart on sleeve' but I thought it appropriate to disclose WHY my mental state may seem more negative than 'just an infection on my chest' warrants.

Your a warrior. What you have endured in a short amount of time is more than most do in a lifetime. Again when you get through this you will be a living example of hope to many that may endure similar.

I don't know if anyone would agree with me on this but it seems like many in modern society have a underprivileged view or experience on what suffering really is. For many suffering is having to share a car, room, TV or Internet broken, losing a job ect. If you recall recent history or all of human history many have come before us and have lived through much darker times when there was no logical reason to carry on with life. For some reason these people in history did and while they wereddoing it they knew there was no hope for themselves but maybe for those in the future which they haven't met...

Don't mean to get philosophical or preachy but that just makes me think sometimes. Sometimes I have to remind myself or others I have relationships with that lifes not always about them or me or their families or my family but maybe about someone you've never met.

 

[pellicle]

Julian

thanks for your reply.

...when you get through this you will be a living example of hope to many that may endure similar.

perhaps.

I don't know if anyone would agree with me on this but it seems like many in modern society have a underprivileged view or experience on what suffering really is.

I think I see what you are saying, and perhaps I would phrase it as "have no idea what its like to do it hard and come from a privileged part of society".

Few here have experienced hard life in tough countries (even in Russia or Polland without going to war zones). So as you say, consequentially quite a many in western society view suffering as not having their latte done to their taste, or having the wrong salad dressing applied.

This of course makes it difficult to have a forum for those who do have a rough time post surgery.

For some reason these people in history did and while they were doing it they knew there was no hope for themselves but maybe for those in the future which they haven't met...

I believe its called 'hope' (and perhaps having an actually strong society).

Don't mean to get philosophical

not at all ... in fact its getting philosophical which perhaps is what is useful. I was raised a Catholic and God didn't do much to ease the suffering of my Mother (who died some 5 or so years ago) nor my Father nor lifted a finger to save my wife. The religious zealots among the forum may be aghast at my present dip into atheism but I find (as a thinking educated person) that fluffy toys like "Gods ways are mysterious" are used to veil arguments that seem to call into question the nature of a "loving god" or having a "guardian angel".

As far as I am concerned, it would not have required much of a miracle to have not put the cancer into my wifes brain to kill her in the first place. She was quite simply the most wonderful caring woman you could ever hope to meet.

Returning to my original point, I still feel that there is some need to recognise that while the majority will have a good outcome from their surgery and that wile the majority will get back to a normal life, it may be a long and rocky road for a few.

Not everyone has a fatal car accident, its not the statistical norm. But people do have car accidents and so we need to have structures in place for coping with that.

Equally it would be good if there was some similar discussion possible here. Surely there should be something in between "happy happy its all good" and "in loving memory". Perhaps that's tough but perhaps its also needed?

I hope that if anyone else reading this forum is going through tough times that they could post here and perhaps even just venting it can help ease their mind.

 

[karla]

You have been through so much....you have every right to be "negative ". I sincerely hope that you get some comfort from the many concerned people here. There are lots of ears to listen and shoulders to lean on. I also hope with all my heart that you won't totally discount searching for psychological help if the ears and shoulders aren't quite enough to help you deal with everything you have been dealt. It is unfortunate that you had bad luck with those you already sought out but I promise you they are not all incompetent. I am very familiar with the deep, dark hole you are in...i spent a lot of time there over the years. My reasons were different but the hole was dark and it was deep...and I finally admitted I couldn't get through it on my own. It took awhile to find the right fit but I finally did. Please consider.
Please also know that this North American has a good set of ears and shoulders to lend....anytime.

 

[tom in MO]

I've been reading and searching this forum for about a year. There have been many people posting with post-surgery difficulties. The one I feared the most and spoke to my surgeon about were prothesis-mismatch. Then I worried about endocarditis and sternum eating bacteria. I learned about all of this on this forum through other's personal experiences, such as yours. I think the forum does a good job documenting the horror stories and helping others to cope with them. Thanks for sharing your experiences.

When it comes to faith, like you I was raised a Catholic but still practice. I don't belive all the dogma, but I believe enough for me. Possibly your early training in the faith was misguided. The Catholic trinity does not promise any salvation on earth for the corpus, only salvation for the soul after death. The death of loved ones, no matter how good they are, is just and part of the normal construct of the universe. Maybe what may help you is different spiritual guidance, or a different approach to your past faith. We all need help to do things, even prayer.

When it comes to North Americans, I believe that people who are in the US and Canada came here for a better life. This is our shared cultural heritage. The culture has an optimistic outlook. In addition, we all came from some place worse, so no matter how bad it is in North America, we know it's better than where we came from and will probably be better where we are going.

Good luck. Our thoughts are with you.

 

[escargome]

Hi
thanks. I guess that after this year I can honestly say I'm not sure I believe in that anymore, but I know it won't cause any harm. This has been a tough year for me with my Father (cancer, expected outcome, time to get used to it) then my Wife (sudden death from unknown brain cancer) passing away. God did not once answer my prayers about my lovely wife. I can only say that I feel that if there is a God then he/she seems to want to punish and torment me for some reason.

Sorry to seem 'heart on sleeve' but I thought it appropriate to disclose WHY my mental state may seem more negative than 'just an infection on my chest' warrants.

My friend, I have read your blog and have noted the huge mountains you have been expected to climb. I won't say I understand because I don't. I too have had and likely will continue to have moments when I think that God isn't listening to me at all. My mom passed away 9 years ago and I tried to bargain and beg from God to leave her here with me a little longer. Unfortunately, he said "no". Then I have had to stand by and watch my husband fight an MRSA infection in his toes for more than 10 years (hosptial infected his foot during a surgery). I am angry at times because the drunk driver who hit him head-on and crushed his foot started a chain reaction which ultimately brought my husband to a decision to have all the toes in his left foot amputated (his balance now is sketchy at times). I could go on but I would be writing a book. In any case, just cause at this point in time you feel that God is only sitting back and watching life dump you into the ocean doesn't mean I can't pray for you. So I will. You have a friend in me who is willing to listen to you anytime you like, just send me a PM.

 

[Kim54]

Pellicle,

My Friend, you were an inspiration to me when I had AVR Oct 16, 2012. You posted on my thread " When Does the Pain Ease up" You told to "take small steps" towards recovery. I hate to hear that you have had a setback. I would like to share an email I received from a friend :

When Life Isn't Easy, May you Remember This

May you know, in your heart, that others are always thinking of you.

May you always have rainbows that follow the rain.

May you celebrate the wonderful things about you. And when tomorrow comes, may you do it all over again.

May you remember how full of smiles the days can be.

May you believe that what you search for, you will see.

May you find time to smell the flowers, and find time to share the beauty of you.

May you envision today as a gift, and tomorrow as another.

May you add a meaningful page to the diary of each new day, and may you make " living happily ever after" something that will really come true.

And may you always keep planting the seeds of your dreams. Because if you keep believing in them, they'll keep trying their best.....to blossom for you!!

Please know that you Are in my thoughts and prayers and as you told me... "small steps ", my friend. I hope you find this behind quickly!!!

Hugs Pellicle, Hang in there !!! God Bless you, my Friend !!

 

[Jkm7]

Life 'gets done' to all of us.
There are few among us I would venture who have not suffered loss and death of loved ones along with their perhaps long enduring serious illnesses; who have not experienced great sadness, adversity and challenges. Most of us faced our mortality when we agreed to submit to OHS. Some of us have developed more and/or better coping skills than others but I don't think any of us have coasted to our 40's, 50's, 60's and beyond and not had reason to fall into sadness, anger, depression and even desperation at moments in our lives.

Certainly some of our stories could be called 'worse' than someone else's but I don't think we want a contest regarding our pain. IMO, suffice to say all we can do is the best we can do.

We all have to find our own way for dealing with those dark days in our lives.

 

[pellicle]

Please know that you Are in my thoughts and prayers and as you told me... "small steps ", my friend. I hope you find this behind quickly!!!

Hugs Pellicle, Hang in there !!! God Bless you, my Friend !!

Thanks Kim ... I will try to keep that in mind. Actually I feel you are on the button there that in the dark times I seem to perceive only the problems and not that there are people who care.

 

[pellicle]

but I don't think any of us have coasted to our 40's, 50's, 60's and beyond and not had reason to fall into sadness, anger, depression and even desperation at moments in our lives.

some here may be in their less than 30's, they too perhaps have strong feelings and need support.

Personally I have been to quite a many funerals in my life too, but putting my wife into the ground wracked me like nothing I have *ever* experienced before. If your spouce has not died in the midst of your life you just won't know what I'm talking about (and for that I give thanks).

Certainly some of our stories could be called 'worse' than someone else's but I don't think we want a contest regarding our pain. IMO, suffice to say all we can do is the best we can do.

exactly, and it is for the support of that which I hoped to encourage others who feel "what if its all going to heck" to feel they can post and discuss such difficult topics.

Perhaps who better to provide support (rather than dismissal) than those who have been through such. After the ones with experience should be the best placed to be patient and supportive.

 

[Jkm7]

some here may be in their less than 30's, they too perhaps have strong feelings and need support.

Yes, of course, age is not the pertinent message.
All who want support will get the best we have to give.
Please do not focus on age as being the point of my message.

Personally I have been to quite a many funerals in my life too, but putting my wife into the ground wracked me like nothing I have *ever* experienced before. If your spouce has not died in the midst of your life you just won't know what I'm talking about (and for that I give thanks).




exactly, and it is for the support of that which I hoped to encourage others who feel "what if its all going to heck" to feel they can post and discuss such difficult topics.

Perhaps who better to provide support (rather than dismissal) than those who have been through such. After the ones with experience should be the best placed to be patient and supportive.

I am not a mental health professional nor are most of us. I don't know the right approach or words, clearly.
I am doing the best I can and have no will to anger anyone.
Clearly, my attempts to contribute to this discussion are way off base.
Sorry I missed the mark despite my will to help.

 

[pellicle]

Sorry I missed the mark despite my will to help.

no problem, thanks for trying. Actually you did better than the mental health professionals I've met (save the Psychiatrist).

 

[Kim54]

Hi Pellicle,

Haven't heard from you in the last few days. How are you? I hope you have seen improvements.