What happens to our spouses when we have surgery?

[laurad37]

i appreciate all the posts and I know I did the right thing by coming to my mom's. Here is what I don't get about this whole thing...

Matt and I have been together for almost 10 years (married for 7). He has never raised his voice to me, never called me a name, never disrespected me, never raised a hand to me. Nothing ever. My question is, does surgery change our spouses too? This behavior that he had on Saturday was something I had never seen from him in the 10 years I have been with him... It's almost like he just snapped from all the stress or something. In no way what so ever am I condoning his behavior. I am just trying to understand it. This is not the type of person he is. He has ALWAYS been caring, nurturing, loving, dependable (a bit lazy, yes). He has always treated me and our kids wonderful. Yes we had normal marriage stuff that ever couple has but he still never even raised his voice to me. I myself had a short affair a few years back (i'm not proud of it) and he did find out about it. He still didn't scream at me. So you can imagine how shocked and scared I was on Saturday... It was like someone else came out of him.

I'm not sure if I should be posting this here or in the significant other catagory since they are the ones who have to help up and live with the changes we go through. Does this type of surgery change our spouse too? It sure has changed mine. He seems much calmer when I talked to him on the phone but I am just lost as to where this came from.

I haven't really been me since jan when my symptoms got worse and almost unbearable to live with so is it all the stress of picking up what I can't do? I know I have changed since surgery and some days I am very depressed. I am walking 5 times a day and doing rehab 3 times a week. They told me today at rehab that I was doing too much by walking 5-6 times a day plus rehab 3 days a week. Maybe thats why I'm so tired. Who knows. Any thoughts on how this changes us and our spouses. Keep in mind before surgery Matt and I did so much research on what to expect. I guess it wasn't enough or as somone said to me "reading about it and living it are two different things"

 

[escargome]

Laura,
I can't say for sure about changes to our spouses since I am far from an expert. Possibly you are right, all the pressure finally got to him. I believe that if you both have a strong faith in God, then it is time for each of you to sit with your pastor and air your feelings. Maybe not together at first but it needs to be done. I can't even begin to understand what you are going through. My husband had open heart surgery about 5 years before mine, so he sort of knew what to expect but what he didn't count on was how much physical discomfort I would be in. So once I explained myself the best I could he backed off. Anyway I am not going to to into my own personal stuff as I don't wish to loose focus on your situation. Please as I said, seek some type of council. I will pray that the Lord guides you both in a fruitful resolution.

 

[heyrebekah]

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. It sounds like he had a lot of stress and worry bottled up inside while you were preparing for your surgery and then going through with it. Maybe he was trying to be strong and supportive for you and ignored his own feelings. Now that it has been a few weeks, he started to feel you were finally safe and out of the woods. And then all that stress and maybe even resentment that was bottled up for months just came to the surface. I hope you are able to work something out, but for now you need to concentrate on your recovery.

Personally, I was blown away by how wonderful my husband has been. I honestly was not expecting him to be so great, because he really does have a short fuse at times. But his father had gone through 3 valve replacements, and I was lucky that his family had that experience behind them to understand what is going on.

 

[Ross]

No one can understand what a heart surgery patient goes through until they have the surgery for themselves. They expect you to back to normal within days and it just doesn't work like that. Some of them have a hard time dealing with the idea of 12 full months to fully recover. Yes it's a stressor for our spouses, but what he did is something I'd consider more of a warning that he's either on something or he's about to turn abusive and I don't want the later to be the case.

 

[kerri73]

Wow, I must have missed the other conversation the past few days, but I just went over to read through it and was in tears reading how he's been treating you, Laura. I can't imagine having kids and a husband being so disrespectful and thoughtless during my recovery. I'm so glad you got over to your mom's where you can really work on recovering.

I wish your husband really knew what and how long it takes to recover from this type of surgery. It sounds like he just expected you to be fully recovered instantly, which is so far from the reality of it.

I can't imagine the stress our spouses go through - it's such a scary ordeal. So far mine's handling it with humor - this will be the first one he's gone through with me, so it will be an eye opener for him.

The shocker with your situation was that he'd take the time to go get stuff for himself and ignore what you were needing. Again, I'm just glad you got away, and I hope things do improve with him and your kids.

I'm sending prayers your way,
Kerri

 

[Freddie]

Laura, did Matt at least try to apologize for his actions? Sorry none of my bussiness - don't answer that.

I do know what your going through. My spouse acted that I should SNAP out of it after a couple of weeks. Being ignored and left to do everything on my own including my emotional stress (I did not find VR until 3 months after surgery).

My spouse and I were told 6 weeks recovery (yeh right) all hell broke loose around here. I can't even count how many lonely tears I cried. I too would have left if my spouse scared me, I was just shut out - it was like I was disowned - contaminated.

I think the bottom line is they figure after 6 weeks everything will be back to normal. The wife will cook, clean, go to work and make supper. Then when they face reality they're lost........in they're mind everything should be back to normal.

Men IMHO keep they're troubles and stress inside - they are men after all. But when they pressure builds up they lash out and you can't even approach them until they have really cooled down.

Laura, give yourself a few days. Stay put and have him come to you at your moms in a couple of days, then have a heart to heart talk with Matt and have your mom in the other room taking notes. - she'll also be there to step in if need be.

I'm rambling...sorry about that, but I do believe what Ross has said.

 

[debster913]

Hey, Laura--
Was just checking in before I run off again, and I read your other thread. I am so glad you went to your mom's. You need to stay there until your husband gets some counseling to deal with these severe issues he's been having. If I were you, I would not go home until he is committed to treating you fairly and respectfully--and that goes for the kids, too.

Honestly, my marriage almost didn't survive the surgery. The Hubster tends to be high-strung like me, but more negative and kept his frustrations to himself, so much that he couldn't relax. Although Mike was nothing but sweet and supportive the entire time and continues to be, he refused to be intimate, blaming his lack of desire on everything from his back to the cliche "Not tonight dear, I have a headache." I thought something was wrong with me! I nearly had an affair because I was so frustrated with my husband and wasn't getting what I needed from him. Counseling has helped our problems, but surgery definitely changed our marriage.

I hope things work out for you and that when you go back home, your husband treats you the way you deserve to be treated.

Hugs,

 

[jax]

i think it goes without say laura that he probably had a lot bottled up inside and just finally blew at some point. i would imagine that a spouse would go through just as much as we do emotionally. especially with them sitting in the waiting room through the surgery and then trying to take care of us before and after. And if it is anything like what i am dealing with my spouse won't even talk to me about it. although he has no porblem talking to everyone else. I guess i should be thankful he is atleast talking to someone but i honestly don't think they realize what kind of emotional strain their actions put on us. never in a million years would i imagine that going through something like this that i would feel more alone than i ever have. i am just glad that you went to your mother's where you can recover and get the rest that you need and after you are feeling better than you can deal with this. and i hope that your hubby no matter how stressed he was realizes that he treated you very badly and that any person deserves so much better from their spouse.

 

[Nancy]

Laura-

I am speaking as a spouse. And I really don't care if the spouse is male or female. Sometimes, we tend to give one or the other sex a break for bad behavior.

But this goes way beyond stress. He became physically abusive, and allowed your children to be abusive as well. It would be horrible if your were in good health as well, but doing the things that were done to you when you are freshly recovering from a very difficult surgery is way beyond comprehension.

I think that's terrible and it does sound like he needs to go to counseling asap.

Your safety is primary here. I hope you don't need an Order of Protection from him.

He has stepped over some kind of line into a whole other realm of behavior which seems to be completely out of character.

You are going to be in recovery for the better part of 6 months to a year. Yes, you will be improving each day, but this is a long slow recovery.

I hope he can handle it.

 

[geebee]

Hi Laura,

I am one of the very lucky ones who has a SO who was and is wonderful so I can only speculate. Some people find it "easier" to have anger than worry about losing someone they love. In tough times love can be very hard emotionally so people look to emotions that can allow them to not hurt so much. Perhaps Matt was and is so worried about losing you that he cannot express anything but anger over the possibility. Maybe he had a preconceived idea of how long it would take you to feel better and since it has been that long, he thinks there is a chance you are not doing well.

There is no excuse for his actions but understanding what might be behind them could help you get through this very difficult time. I am assuming you want to stay with him because you are posting to try and figure this out.

I think therapy is certainly needed and warranted to work things out. Is Matt receptive at all to looking into things or has he totally closed the door?

 

[JaneBerm]

This surgery is extremely stressful under the best of circumstances and when you add to that a blended family with both teens and little ones, I'm sure that it would be difficult even if everyone was trying their hardest. Many of us have spoken about the depression we've experienced during our pre and post surgery weeks. My guess is that our spouses have also had those same feelings. I hope that you have a chance to do some individual, couple and possibily family counseling. Wishing you a peaceful recovery. Jane

 

[WayneGM]

My wife was amazingly supportive through my OHS, subsequent job loss, etc. Everyone copes with stress differently, and everyone' circumstances are different. When I had my surgery we were married 20+ years and our kids were mid to late teens. If anything, I was the worry wort and she was the calm one. Now three years later we feel more connected than ever. OHS was a life changing experience for both of us in more ways than one, and I think our relationship is stronger than ever. I hope you and your husband can find a way to managing through this and come out with a stronger relationship, too. Best wishes and good luck.

 

[Megan]

laura: i am praying for you and your family that youwill all find peace and courage to deal with your recovery. Do you know yesterday I had had it with my kids (3 and 6) and husband--noone listening to me so ---so I said i was leaving- they didnt need me and took off in the car...the 6 yr old called me on my cell 30 minutes later in tears beggin me to come home and he needed me to put him to bed..a bit drastic and dramatic- but it worked and I hope it does for you too. I think you have gotten alot of great advice so far from so many amazing people. just know you are loved around the world and this will get better. youare doing the right thing. remember what the stewardess's tell you when you are inan airplane...in the event of an emergency- put on your air mask first then place them on your kids.. there is a good reason for it. dont feel guilty for one second about taking care of you first. Hang in there girlfriend.--

 

[BigOwl]

Laura: I am terribly sorry that things went the way they did, and I'm glad you went to your mom's to get away. I'm pretty lucky in that my husband has been through this twice with me (the first time was an emergency, and he had to cancel a trip to Germany and an important conference because of my bypass surgery). He's been a peach both times, but this time it was because he knew what to expect, and both times he had one of my kids with him (they aren't his, but they adore him). This is certainly not the case for everyone and I have a couple of friends whose experiences with cancer caused responses from their families that resemble yours.

In doing all the research and knowing what to expect, you were on equal terms in some ways. Now you're not. You had the traumatic physical experience, and now you need the care. Your husband may well have been deathly afraid that he was going to lose you, and is now acting out because of his own suffering. Kids are pretty much the same way--they resent having been put into the position of being afraid that they'd lose their mom. It takes time for them to get rational again, and everybody needs counseling in this situation, whether it's a minister or a psychologist. Stuff like this is impossible to work through without help, especially when it's resulted in abusive behavior.

It's quite possible that everybody "let go" of you during surgery, and had already been mourning you even when you were on the road to recovery. The initial caring can turn into resentment (again) and produce the results you've experienced.

I do hope things start working out, but in the meantime let your mom mother you, be good to yourself, and do not feel the least bit guilty for making this move. Megan's response seems to make a lot of sense, especially her final comment about taking care of yourself first. You're clearly a smart and caring person, and you don't deserve any of this.

 

[Bina]

Another thought.... very young children can become involved in a situation where they don't even know what they are feeling.
If all they see is that DAd got mad and Mom left, that is scary to them and will change their level of confidence in Dad and Mom.
It may be wise to speak to the youngsters daily on the phone and assure them that Mom is not gone forever, but Mom needs to rest and get better.
Best wishes.

 

[Cozycat]

Laura, my guess is that for years you have been bearing the responsibility of taking care of both your husband and all the kids...cooking, cleaning, picking up, being peace maker, etc. Now that you need them to be there for you, they are all incredibly angry with you because it is your time to need some care and attention and they just don't see it that way....all of your time and attention should belong to them, the heck with what you need and want. Going to your Mom's house was probably just what you needed, especially if it gives you some peace and quiet. Don't even try to figure out what is going on at your house, because you need to get physically back on your feet before you can make emotional decisions regarding your "family". And if your friends can't be there for you either, maybe they are just too busy to be your friends or the thought of seeing you other than 100% is too much to bear (some people are like that). I sent a picture of myself in ICU on Day #2 to all my friends and was really surprised that some of them didn't want to look at it. To them, that was not "me". I'm wishing you good support from your Mom and right now your job is to get well, then deal with the rest.

Midge

 

[Kathy McCain]

Hi Laura,

I tend to agree with Ross. Could he be on something? It's like his whole personality changed, and he became very abusive. Please be careful.

 

[zipper2]

Laura i wish you the best and pray your getting all the much deserved
rest your behind in.

I feel spouses of patients be cancer,ohs effects,changes people,not just surgery but along with it comes other life changes,because of it.
It did for me my 1st marriage,cost me a broken nose,stabbed and i was abused by 1st husband who had the heart condition,i spent many years in Freddies RUHospital in Saskatoon with him and yes,i divorced him,such a long
story,he had congenital heart disease and yet were divorced he died with us in icu.My children were adopted by my 2nd hubby before the death of first hubby.

God i don't wanna sound like Sue\Norm here but my life does lie in along
history of events that all ended happily thank(GOD) and i am for real
But i do agree with Ross and his post Laura,be very careful and keep your eyes open to events around you,this is my experience to you.My 1st hubby
went to drugs and alcohol.

I have been on both sides of the fence and i know mine,but i was hurt physically and mentally i took it for 8 years in my 1st marriage,noone
should put up with abuse,noone Thats another chapter to me i won't get into now.

Laura stay at your moms for as long as it takes,till all this is understood to why it's happening do it for vr cus i didnot have anyone for me cept my parents and police and never wanted to involve parents ,for fear of them getting hurt.


My 1st husband was a monster,now remarried for 22 years my 2nd husband has been an angel,we disagree,we argue,everyone does but no namecalling
or a hand ever lifted toward me.Abuse is a monster and i thank God my kids turned out a blessing we also are mixed kids,yours mine and ours.

i am praying hard for you Laura and wish the best for you and your children always.........God bless and get rest,most important factor right now.

Keep us posted we care about you

zipper2 (DEB)

 

[MissMelis]

Hi Laura,

I have only just read your previous thread and I am just sick over it. I am so sorry to hear of all this - and I am so glad you went to your Mom's.

I don't really know what to say - I wish I could help. I am afraid for you as it seems, as Ross pointed out, that his behavior quickly escalated from ambivalence to violence.

I hope you stay at your Mom's for as long as it takes for you to feel better (and safer).
You don't deserve this.

I am hoping and praying that things get better for you.

As Deb just said, we all care about you very much, and hope you will keep us in the loop so we can help you as much as we can.

I wish you were closer to our spare room comfy bed.

Take care
Melissa

 

[mattwisconsin]

I am so sorry to hear this. I will be thinking of you and regardless of what you decide to do, I hope it works out. Right now concentrate on getting better so that you are able to deal with the rest. Remember to push yourself while taking it easy.