Running on Empty

[della_anne]

Running on empty is never easy. I continue forward but with no identity, no sense of true self. That?s dangerous and a true set up for failure. The only way to gain identity is to learn through experience. Gaining experience requires going out, try new things, meeting new people, and for me that?s the scary part.

I?ve always been a cautious person, especially with my emotions. I am afraid of getting hurt, afraid of rejection, afraid of judgement. With everything that I have been through in my life, the heart surgeries, being labeled as different, and dealing with overly controlling and cautious parents, I can only say that it would be normal for me to be emotionally messed up. It sucks that I have to be in this emotional place, but this is where life has taken me. It?s not my fault, it?s not my parents fault, it?s not God?s fault, it is just what is. Not an accident but a lesson to be learned.

Growing up, I can remember avoiding my emotions, especially when dealing with the big stuff. Heart surgery?how did I feel about it? Starting high school a month later after surgery?that had to be scary, but did I talk about it then? No. Why? I was too afraid of rejection, too afraid of being different. Afraid that people would not understand and so, I thought why even bother telling people. All my life I?ve wanted to be ?normal? and to fit in just like everyone else. But all my life, I have somehow always felt different. I?ve always felt different because I am different. I have different limitations, different fears, different health concerns, different beliefs and values in some cases.

My world is different than everyone elses. I see the world through rose colored glasses. This lens that I view my world through is emotionally blinding me. It is as if I am trying to be partially closed off and partially open. I don?t think it?s working. Closing myself off only makes me feel worse. I need to be emotionally open with people and not afraid of rejection and judgement.

My parents have a great influence on me, even now that I am older. I still live with them, which really doesn?t help that much. My parents when growing up have always been my guide to let me know what my limitations are as far as my health. I have always trusted them to know that they were right and that they were doing what they thought was right for me. I think my belief in their words has gone too far. They no longer know what is right for me and now I need to figure out what?s right for me.

It?s not hard for me to figure out what?s right for me. I already know, I just need to have the guts, the plan, the means and support to do it. The life balance is not there. All aspects of your life need to be balanced to make things work long term. And I don?t have that balance yet.

Moving out of my house away from my parents would be the absolute best thing for me to do right now, but other things have to happen first. I need a decent paying stable job with health insurance before I can move out. I am working on that now, but that may take some time. Patience is a virtue I guess.


The hardest part about all this the fact that I know that I am very smart and that I have a lot of potential to do a lot of things and I know that I cannot use them right now because of the way that I feel about my life. That to me is devastating. I?m young, in my 20?s but I feel like I am 40. I should be living life to the fullest and I don?t feel like I am right now.

The biggest lesson I have ever learned is the one I?ve learned these past few years. Emotions are a part of life, embrace, accept and use them.

 

[Mary]

Della Ann,

You're absolutely right: patience is a virtue!
You sound like you've got a life plan, and you know that it takes time to put it into action. That's great!
There is plenty of living to do in your future; don't try to rush it.
You'll enjoy it so much more when your plans reach fruition.

 

[Lynlw]

Della ann, I'm sorry you are having asuch a rough time. I was wonderring if you ever looked into the adults w/ chd group? I bet a few of the members there have gone thru alot of the same things and feelings you have growing up w/ your CHDs. Good Luck w/ finding the job that would make you happy and give you good insurance so things are a little easier for you and you can get on w/ living life to it's fullest, lyn www.caringbridge.org/nj/justinw

 

[Nancy]

The only way to conquer all the fears is to start doing something you've never done before, or were too scared to do. BUT, make it a VERY small thing, that way if it doesn't come up to your expectations, you won't be too disappointed. Expect something positive, not negative. Almost everyone you deal with will want to help you through things. If you are shy of people, perhaps, just smiling at another is the best you can do for today. Next day perhaps, say hello, and keep walking. Next day say something about the weather, etc. People do respond to these little things.

You have to build on your confidence tiny bit by tiny bit, layer by layer. It doesn't happen to anyone "just like that".

I venture to say that no one on this earth feels "normal". What is "normal" anyway? We are all flawed in some way. We all feel a little different, and the most boastful and loud people probably feel the most different.

I bet you will got a lot of positive feedback from this post, and that may give you enough confidence to move forward just a little.

Don't expect that it will happen overnight. Expect that next year at this time, you will have made enormous strides.

Wishing you all the best. You can do it!

 

[geebee]

Danielle,
While I can understand your need for a job with insurance, please keep in mind that if you wait for a job which you feel has stability, you may be waiting forever. Those type of jobs simply do not exist much anymore. Stability is something you have to create for yourself.
Find a job that you think you will like, one that has insurance, and then make the leaps you want to make. It is not always easy to make that first jump but, once you realize you are still standing, the next moves will be easier.
Remember, you cannot cross a chasm in two small leaps - it takes one big one. Jump, girl, jump.

 

[Marguerite53]

Hello. I'm sorry you are having a rough time. I'm 52 and I remember that age was very very difficult for me. I wouldn't go back to that age for all the tea in China, as they say.

When I read your feelings, I thought of this story. It took me awhile to find the book (I keep loaning it out and replacing it on different shelves!).....and then to type it all out. I hope you will enjoy it. It is only meant to echo your thoughts and perhaps open a window of thinking for you. It is just a little piece that has always resonated for me. I hope you enjoy it.

Marguerite

From Wisdomkeepers. Meetings with Native American Spiritual Leaders.
By Steve Wall and Harvey Arden

How Wisdom Comes
From Leila Fisher, Hoh Indian reservation, Olympic Peninsula, Washington.

?Did you ever wonder how wisdom comes?? Without taking her hands from her weaving or even looking up to see if we?re listening, she continues: ?there was a man, a postman here on the reservation, who heard some of the Elders talking about receiving objects that bring great power. He didn?t know much about such things, but he thought to himself that it would be a wonderful thing if he could receive such an object ? which can only be bestowed by the Creator. In particular, he heard from the Elders that the highest such object a person can receive is an eagle feather. He decided that was the one for him. If he could just receive an eagle feather he would have all the power and wisdom and prestige he desired. But he knew he couldn?t buy one and he couldn?t ask anyone to give him one. It just had to come to him somehow by the Creator?s will.

Day after day he went around looking for an eagle feather. He figured one would come his way if he just kept his eyes open. It got so he thought of nothing else. That eagle feather occupied his thoughts from sunup to sundown. Weeks passed, then months, then years. Every day the postman did his rounds, always looking for that eagle feather ? looking just as hard as he could. He paid no attention to his family or friends. He just kept his mind fixed on that eagle feather. But it never seemed to come. He started to grow old, but still no feather. Finally, he came to realize that no matter how hard he looked he was no closer to getting the feather than he had been the day he started.

One day he took a break by the side of the road. He got out of his little jeep mail-carrier and had a talk with the Creator. He said: ?I?m so tired of looking for that eagle feather. Maybe I?m not supposed to get one. I?ve spent all my life thinking about that feather. I?ve hardly given a thought to my family and friends. All I cared about was that feather, and now life has just about passed me by. I?ve missed out on a lot of good things. Well, I?m giving up on the search. I?m going to stop looking for that feather and start living. Maybe I have time enough left to make it up to my family and friends. Forgive me for the way I have conducted my life.?

Then ? and only then ? a great peace came into him. He suddenly felt better inside than he had in all these years. Just as he finished his talk with the Creator and started getting back in his jeep he was surprised by a shadow passing over him. Holding his hands over his eyes, he looked up into the sky and saw, high above, a great bird flying over. Almost instantly it disappeared. Then he saw something floating down ever so lightly on the breeze ? a beautiful tail feather. It was his eagle feather! He realized that the feather had come not a single moment before he had stopped searching and made his peace with the Creator. He finally learned that wisdom comes only when you stop looking for it and start truly living the life the Creator intended for you.

The postman is still alive and he?s a changed person. People come to him for wisdom now and he shares everything he knows. Even though now he has the power and the prestige he searched for, he no longer cares about such things. So now you know how wisdom comes.?

 

[Guest]

I'll echo Nancy's query of "What is 'normal' anyway?"

Like you, I'm still at home, too. One of the things I got "accomplished" (if you could call failure accomplished) while I was offline the last few weeks is to check with some mortgage companies about getting a loan for a house or condo. Sadly, all 3 of the ones I checked with couldn't get me a loan for more than $120K. Why? Because I don't have enough _current_ credit lines. Sadly, the last guy I talked with got a whole lot of frustration from me ... as I asked him, "So, what you're saying is that, when I had the loan for my newer car, my college loan, and my credit card bills, you could have given me a loan ... that I couldn't afford ... but, now that I have the extra money to pay for a loan, you can't give it to me because I don't have enough current credit?!?!?!" His response: "Well, basically, yes". The conversation ended there.

Aye.

So, I've decided to make some changes in my 2 rooms ... the former train room will now become my bedroom and my bedroom will become the train room. That'll give some change, anyway.... And, my parents have talked about putting in wireless DSL ... so, that'd be nice.

I'm trying to make the best of my situation, but sometimes, well, sometimes it is very hard. I just need a new job and a few other things to go my way.

So, bottom line, you aren't alone .



Cort, "Mr MC" / "Mr Road Trip", 32swm/pig valve/pacemaker
MC:family.IL.guide.future = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/
chdQB = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort/quilt.html
"I'm just out to find the better part of me" ... 5 For Fighting ... 'Superman'

 

[Rebecca]

My sister was 14 when she developed Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. When she was young, one doctor referred to her as a cripple, but she quickly told him that she was disable not a cripple. She missed ¼ of her freshman school year from arthritis. In high school she went to the school library to wait for the 2nd load bus because it was too hard for her stand and wait for the bus. She learned to love reading books and to this day still loves reading books. After graduating from college she moved out of state because she hated family and friends asking her how her arthritis was. On job application she always checked the good health box because she didn?t consider JRA bad health. By the time her office found out that she had JRA they understood she had many usable talents and were glad they had hired her. My sister dated a lot, but a lot of boys would drift away when arthritis got in the way of normal teen activities. She dated one guy who wanted to be a doctor, all he did was want to check up on her every ache and pain. One of her first dates to the man that she married was doing a jigsaw puzzle and eating takeout dinner at her place because she was too sore to go out after working.

My daughter did a long e mail interview with her aunt. ?Do you have anything to say to other young people with rheumatoid arthritis? Live. Live life to its fullest and don?t be scared to take chances. You can?t have success without some failures. JRA is not fun, it hurts. It is, with time, almost always controllable. What stops you from doing today may actually help you in doing something tomorrow. Just remember that youth is of very short duration. Peers and fitting in may seem very important now, but shortly those things won?t matter as much. Don?t give up in trying new things even though many physical things may be hard, do them if they mean that much to you. Just be aware of the results. My hands are probably disabled more so because of thing I?ve done in the pass?like taking pictures with heavy, heavy lenses. But I'm glad I did. I can look back on years of wonderful photos taken from all over the country and parts of the world. It was a fair tradeoff. Lastly, be a little silly at times. No one loves a sad sack all the time. Pray for help. It helps. Eat ice cream with lots of hot fudge. ?

One day I hope my sister writes about her life. For many years the things we do with one hand she does two handed.

Della Anne do not be afraid to live your dream.

 

[MelissaM]

Hey Della Anne,

Wow - sounds like you have been doing a lot of thinking about your place and plight in life (which, by the way, is what your 20s are for. . . ). Sounds like you would like to get to know your emotional side, which is a good start. Once you get to know them, those emotions of yours might just become friends (after all, they are just emotions. . . a natural thing. . .). Fearing them often gives them more power than they are intended to have. . .

As for identity, it isn't the things you DO that define you. . .it is who you ARE. Maybe you just need to hear it out lound - ask your friends what they "see" in you - maybe a sense of humour? A profound courage? Your ability to think things through before acting? The ability to bounce back from setbacks? These are your *sparks*. . .that which makes you, you. So often people wrap their identities up in the transient - their jobs, thier health issues, their financial status - you are wise to avoid these pitfalls. Don't worry so much about getting out there; take the time to get to know yourself and the qualities you bring to the world - what do you want people to remember when you are gone? Your sense of kindness or the fact you moved out of your parent's house before the age of 40?

You have everything you need already within you. . .have faith that you will figure yourself out. And if it gets too hard to explore yourself, by yourself, seek the help of a friend, a therapist, a spiritual director, that special someone who can help you sort it all out.

p.s. Being normal is overrated. And everyone is "different" in their own way.

 

[nia]

Hi Della Anne,

As a recent college grad (finished this past December, but am actually 24 yrs old, because I was held back a grade in jr. high due to being in ESL, and then took a semester off of college due to OHS), I went through a similar situation as yours. I’ve been living away from home for college, and there was no way I was going to go back home to live with my mother (my parents are separated) because of the ways that she treats me due to my health stuff. She makes me feel like a patient more than anybody else. I can’t comment on growing up with CHD, as mine just sprung up during college, but I did lock myself up emotionally as a self-defense mechanism during jr. and sr. high schools (reasons unrelated to health).

If “normal” means not having to consider at such a young age the real health issues when planning anything, or not having a surgical scar down the chest, or even not having a memory of being ill, then there is no doubt that my OHS made me physically and emotionally different from people around me. And sometimes, I envy them for not having to think about things like health insurance or future medical needs when they start new things. I usually don’t talk about health issues with my friends because I don’t see the need to, since they wouldn’t really understand anyway. And this tactic has been working nicely for me, so I’m not going to change it and suddenly open up.

Anyhow, I actually got an apartment (room-share, to be precise) and moved in before getting a full-time job. It took me a day to overcome the nerve to call the leaseholder about the room, but I finally called because I figured, not calling won’t do me any good. I was very fortunate that I could get health insurance through the school’s continuation plan for 6 months, and I had a temp job at my old boss’s (which I hated and almost drove me insane) once I moved and was looking for a full-time position.

I think that getting the apartment first was the right move for me, since it crossed off one thing from my To-Do list, gave me some self-confidence and my own space to figure things out, and more practically, I really felt the need to get a job fast because of the rent and utilities that had to be paid. Thinking things out thoroughly is certainly a good thing, but sometimes, deep thinking can get in the way of actually getting to where you want to go. I certainly didn’t feel ready to live on my own, but by getting the apartment and thereby offsetting the status quo, other things just had to move ahead also in order to recreate the balance.

If it’s sounding as if I didn’t think carefully; I did. I thought and worried and planned my next 10 years or so of my life centered on health issues and OHS (my valve is tissue, which will require another surgery sooner than later), and that left me an emotional wreck. Talking to others didn’t help; most of them would either not want to really discuss it, or just say don’t worry everything will work out, which made me angry more than anything else, because at that time, I thought they were downplaying my worries.

But in retrospect, I was rushing and putting more pressure on myself than was necessary. As Nancy said, changes won’t happen overnight. I know it’s easier said than done, especially when you are in the middle of the predicament, but try not to pressure yourself too much. Knowing that getting a job takes time calmed me down a bit, and I just kept sending in resumes through monstertrak, monster.com, etc. I don’t know what industries you are looking into, but it took me (Science field) about 3 months to get a full-time job. I guess it’s still off-season for most industries, so try to send out as many resumes as you can, then sit back, relax, and watch a funny movie or two, because there isn’t much else to be done on the job front.

As you’ve done a lot of thinking, I’m sure you’ve already explored these things and many more, so I’m sorry if I’m coming out as meddlesome, but, can your parents (or are they willing to) help you financially with a new apartment or being on COBRA, if that’s possible? There are jobs that can provide you with insurance, such as Starbucks and I believe also Barnes & Noble (?), that perhaps you can get so that you can check off the health insurance issues for the time being. Making coffee all day might not fit your ideals, but at least, it’ll provide you with insurance and a stable source of income, until you get the job that satisfies your needs.

Best of luck with everything.

 

[della_anne]

You have to build on your confidence tiny bit by tiny bit, layer by layer. It doesn't happen to anyone "just like that".

I venture to say that no one on this earth feels "normal". What is "normal" anyway? We are all flawed in some way. We all feel a little different, and the most boastful and loud people probably feel the most different.

You are absolutely right, it takes patience...something I am still working on. Its hard to have to wait for things to happen, I am the kind of person who has a proactive approach to life...if I can do anything to make things better, I will do it. And sometimes the not doing something is against my personality and something that I have to consciously think about. But with time I think it will become easier.
You are absolutely right, why label people as normal or different. We are all unique in our own way anyway!

 

[della_anne]

if you wait for a job which you feel has stability, you may be waiting forever. Those type of jobs simply do not exist much anymore. Stability is something you have to create for yourself.

Gina, you are absolutely right, the way the economy and the corporate world has changed so much that there is no such thing as stability. It requires courage to take charge of my own life and make of it what I want and this is still something that I am working on, but I will get there eventually
Thanks for your support

 

[della_anne]

Sadly, all 3 of the ones I checked with couldn't get me a loan for more than $120K. Why? Because I don't have enough _current_ credit lines.

It may be possible to get someone to cosign for you...when I was up in Milwaukee looking at aparments with my friend, she was telling me having someone like parents or sibings cosign for a lease might be an option. Although cosigning for a lease is totally different than getting a loan for a condo, it may be something you could check into.

 

[della_anne]

Rebecca,

I am so sorry to hear about your sister.

"Live life to its fullest and don’t be scared to take chances"
RIGHT ON!

 

[della_anne]

Patience

Patience

You have everything you need already within you. . .have faith that you will figure yourself out.

You are absolutely right! It just takes PATIENCE, something I am still working on.....thanks for the support!

 

[della_anne]

Hi Della Anne,

Anyhow, I actually got an apartment (room-share, to be precise) and moved in before getting a full-time job. It took me a day to overcome the nerve to call the leaseholder about the room, but I finally called because I figured, not calling won?t do me any good. I was very fortunate that I could get health insurance through the school?s continuation plan for 6 months, and I had a temp job at my old boss?s (which I hated and almost drove me insane) once I moved and was looking for a full-time position.


Best of luck with everything.

That is great to hear that you are able to make it on your own after college. Thanks for the ideas, if worst comes to worse I may just get a job at Barnes and Noble or soemthing just so that I can have health insurance.

 

[Guest]

Yeah, I've thought about having the parents co-sign ... but I'd rather not do it that way....

We'll see, tho....

 

[della_anne]

I got a job!

I got a job!

Hey everyone, I got a job! Its a temp to hire position, but still I am happy that I got it because it's with a good company. It's a Student Financial Processor position with a well known University. I am excited, now I just need to work hard so that they will want to hire me! From the way they talked about it in the interview, it sounds like they want the people they hire to stay with them and that they are willing to give me the help/training need to do the job. So, I am happy...no more job searching!!! I am relieved.

Thanks for listening!


Danielle

 

[della_anne]

hi

hi

Knightfan,

I know what you mean, would rather not have parents have any control over your life...It's nice to be able to do things independantly.


Danielle

 

[Wise]

Congratulations Danielle. That's great news. Finally something positive for you. I hope this job opens up new doors in your life. Best wishes.