Today is my one-year anniversary (bicuspid valve repair and aortic graft). I am healthy and thankful for my endless blessings.
That said, I thought it might be more helpful to the forum for me to share one of the more unexpected (and less-discussed) challenges of the past year.
Exactly a year ago, I was primarily anxious about the physical elements of the impending surgery (breathing tube, sternum, bypass-machine, infection risk). I assumed that once I was through that, the worst would be over.
For the first months after surgery, that held true … I was extremely thankful I had made it through and had my health. My spirits were high.
However, as my body recovered, I slowly realized that the surgery had left emotional and psychological incisions that weren’t healing as quickly. I wanted everything to go back to normal and move on with life (as did my wife and friends). However, I think I became impatient, and didn’t really reach peace with what had happened.
How much can be attributed to beta-blockers, statins, or “pump-head” is up for debate, but I didn’t feel like myself. I could walk and run again, but my mind seemed cloudy, it was hard to focus, I stopped sleeping well, I had bad nightmares, I had out-of-the-blue panic attacks.
After ruling out possible medical issues (other than common symptoms of beta-blockers, i.e. dizziness), it became clear to me that the problem was primarily unresolved stress and anxiety. I was a healthy 38-year-old one day, and needed heart surgery the next. I constantly wondered what else might be wrong with me? I stopped trusting my body. I monitored and overanalyzed every sensation. Why did my heart beat like that? Why am I dizzy? Is this heartburn or something serious? When exercising, I’d stop the minute I felt my heart beating fast. In the past, this was why I loved working out. But now I was scared of it. I got worried that the anesthesia or bypass had permanently affected my brain. I always felt like I was just minutes away from something bad happening. I had random panic attacks. In short, despite knowing the importance of positive thinking, I couldn’t stop thinking negatively.
It took several months (with the help of books, online resources, meditation, talk therapy and of course this forum) to sort through the residual emotions and thoughts and fears from the surgery. Medicine isn’t well-equipped for this: my surgeon and cardiologist were great, but they’re in the business of hearts, not heads. We may not talk enough about it, but surgery isn’t just a physical challenge; it is psychological and emotional one as well. I was unprepared for that part. My advice to those awaiting surgery is to recognize this is a full challenge to the body AND mind: Don’t neglect the emotional or psychological impact. A little bit of reading and writing and talk-therapy and meditation may be just as necessary as the pills. Even when you can run a mile, your mind may need more time to heal.
In any event, I’ve learned to use this experience to grow. Post-traumatic growth is a real thing (watch the TED talk). While daunting, heart surgery can teach you important things about life and actually make you a happier, more peaceful person. But it helps to work at it - don't sweep emotions under the rug just because your sternum scar is healed.
I read the forum all the time. While I don’t comment as much, please everyone know that during my darkest nights and brightest days, I couldn’t have gotten through this past year without you all.
And with that, tonight I’m drinking a nice red wine and celebrating life for all of us! That might take a lot of wine!
