Post-Surgery Anxiety

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workmonkey

Active member
Joined
Dec 2, 2013
Messages
35
Location
Brooklyn, NY
Today is my one-year anniversary (bicuspid valve repair and aortic graft). I am healthy and thankful for my endless blessings.

That said, I thought it might be more helpful to the forum for me to share one of the more unexpected (and less-discussed) challenges of the past year.

Exactly a year ago, I was primarily anxious about the physical elements of the impending surgery (breathing tube, sternum, bypass-machine, infection risk). I assumed that once I was through that, the worst would be over.

For the first months after surgery, that held true … I was extremely thankful I had made it through and had my health. My spirits were high.

However, as my body recovered, I slowly realized that the surgery had left emotional and psychological incisions that weren’t healing as quickly. I wanted everything to go back to normal and move on with life (as did my wife and friends). However, I think I became impatient, and didn’t really reach peace with what had happened.

How much can be attributed to beta-blockers, statins, or “pump-head” is up for debate, but I didn’t feel like myself. I could walk and run again, but my mind seemed cloudy, it was hard to focus, I stopped sleeping well, I had bad nightmares, I had out-of-the-blue panic attacks.

After ruling out possible medical issues (other than common symptoms of beta-blockers, i.e. dizziness), it became clear to me that the problem was primarily unresolved stress and anxiety. I was a healthy 38-year-old one day, and needed heart surgery the next. I constantly wondered what else might be wrong with me? I stopped trusting my body. I monitored and overanalyzed every sensation. Why did my heart beat like that? Why am I dizzy? Is this heartburn or something serious? When exercising, I’d stop the minute I felt my heart beating fast. In the past, this was why I loved working out. But now I was scared of it. I got worried that the anesthesia or bypass had permanently affected my brain. I always felt like I was just minutes away from something bad happening. I had random panic attacks. In short, despite knowing the importance of positive thinking, I couldn’t stop thinking negatively.

It took several months (with the help of books, online resources, meditation, talk therapy and of course this forum) to sort through the residual emotions and thoughts and fears from the surgery. Medicine isn’t well-equipped for this: my surgeon and cardiologist were great, but they’re in the business of hearts, not heads. We may not talk enough about it, but surgery isn’t just a physical challenge; it is psychological and emotional one as well. I was unprepared for that part. My advice to those awaiting surgery is to recognize this is a full challenge to the body AND mind: Don’t neglect the emotional or psychological impact. A little bit of reading and writing and talk-therapy and meditation may be just as necessary as the pills. Even when you can run a mile, your mind may need more time to heal.

In any event, I’ve learned to use this experience to grow. Post-traumatic growth is a real thing (watch the TED talk). While daunting, heart surgery can teach you important things about life and actually make you a happier, more peaceful person. But it helps to work at it - don't sweep emotions under the rug just because your sternum scar is healed.

I read the forum all the time. While I don’t comment as much, please everyone know that during my darkest nights and brightest days, I couldn’t have gotten through this past year without you all.

And with that, tonight I’m drinking a nice red wine and celebrating life for all of us! That might take a lot of wine!
 
congratulations on your 1st Valvaversary :Wink:
I have read your post twice, then I asked my hubby to read it too, when he finished, he looked at me and said " that post could have been written by you"
you have articulated everything that I have felt, and to be honest I still have the occasional thought or sensation where I feel is something bad is going to happen ?
It really does help to hear about the experiences of others and this forum is a life saver or should I say a sanity saver.
My quest since my own surgery 1 year ago, is to make the medics understand the psychological effects, the very real Post traumatic stress that we experience, during and following the physical healing process, but I constantly come up against the "Tilted head expression" of you're through it now, get on with your life ! So, my quest continues.

Enjoy your wine and celebration.
Deb x
 
I just read these two posts. I still feel that there are also physical symptoms due to the stress of surgery, as well as psychological. It is major surgery. My cardiologist told me that it's like being hit by a car. To our brain/mind, lying unconcious on the operating table, the hormones associated with being killed are released - after all your heart is stopped, your lungs are stopped, and, what's more, you can't runaway or fight, you are paralysed. The stress hormones are the same one might get at or near the moment of death in an accident or murder or catastrophic event. There was such a good article on the old forum by somone who described being taken into a small room, held down and stabbed - that is what our brains register, it doesn't matter that we know in advance that this surgery is life saving, our bodies and brain react with pure instinct to try and save ourselves from death. But those stress hormones will also have a profound long term effect on us - we often talk about how heart surgery makes you face your mortality, well it does in the most literal sense.
 
Hey Mods! Could we sticky this thread? I think there is so much said here that newcomers (and maybe even some of the experienced members) should read. I, too, dealt with some of these issues - not only after surgery, but before as well. After all, I was in The Waiting Room for almost 10 years.

We do tend to dwell on the physical impacts of valve surgery, but although we "know" that this surgery can often have profound emotional impacts, we often forget to bring them up. Maybe we are just hoping that the next patient will be one of the lucky ones not impacted in this manner.
 
I agree. To our "reptilian mind" we've died and I believe this effects our subconscious in ways we and the medical establishment cannot understand. The effects are strange, I never cried before at movies, funerals or religious services. I did so after surgery, and at three years out, I still get teary eyed at things I never used to. I even got a few complaints at work around year 2 for basically "caring to much." You bring a new perspective to the job and things that were "accepted" by you may seem "not so much". One thing also, I pray more now, just to calm the mind and keep in touch with what's important.

Change is constant, change is life and what happens next depends upon your reaction to change, not so much the change itself.
 
Paleogirl;n853403 said:
I just read these two posts. I still feel that there are also physical symptoms due to the stress of surgery, as well as psychological. It is major surgery. My cardiologist told me that it's like being hit by a car. To our brain/mind, lying unconcious on the operating table, the hormones associated with being killed are released - after all your heart is stopped, your lungs are stopped, and, what's more, you can't runaway or fight, you are paralysed. The stress hormones are the same one might get at or near the moment of death in an accident or murder or catastrophic event. There was such a good article on the old forum by somone who described being taken into a small room, held down and stabbed - that is what our brains register, it doesn't matter that we know in advance that this surgery is life saving, our bodies and brain react with pure instinct to try and save ourselves from death. But those stress hormones will also have a profound long term effect on us - we often talk about how heart surgery makes you face your mortality, well it does in the most literal sense.

Funny you say that because in the weeks leading up to my surgery on the 7th. I was wondering what my brain would make of the whole deal.
 
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No doubt there is some depression after a surgery like this. You come face to face with your mortality and everyone has different levels and ways of dealing with it. Glad you got through it all ok. I think it is something we all share and I know I have a different outlook on life. There is not a day we are not reminded of it.
 
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am almost 5 weeks into recovery and now that my body is starting to be healed enough that I feel almost normal, I am starting to feel the psychological effects more. For me so far this has to do with having been in the "waiting room" for several years and having trouble looking past this speedbump that I knew I would be facing. Now that the surgery is behind me, I feel like I actually have to start to think about all those things I said I would think about after the surgery was done, and it's pretty overwhelming. I also feel fragile and unsure of my body. I really appreciate hearing how long some of you have dealt with these emotions so I know what to expect in the months to come.
 
Hi

firstly thanks for this post and I'm glad after a year you've emerged well, I think that's pretty quick really. You have said many things I've experienced and reminded me to perhaps also talk about them here.

workmonkey;n853373 said:
Today is my one-year anniversary (bicuspid valve repair and aortic graft).

this point deserves to be reiterated (and I hope as Steve called for that this becomes a "sticky")

However, as my body recovered, I slowly realized that the surgery had left emotional and psychological incisions that weren’t healing as quickly. I wanted everything to go back to normal and move on with life (as did my wife and friends). However, I think I became impatient, and didn’t really reach peace with what had happened.

Reaching that peace rather than "putting it all behind you" is one of the points I make frequently here. I like the angle you've taken on this and I hope it brings it into clearer relief for others to see. Inner peace is something which is (as it happens) also missing from any dialog in modern society in the modern (American) world. I think its essential in life.

Something from my own past is that when I had my surgery at 28 (to replace my aortic valve with a homograft) I wondered what was happening to me during my recovery. I had read all manner of things (much harder to do back in 1992 pre the pervasion of the internet and publications like that) one of was about how your mind reacts to the surgery. I've pondered this often in the many years since the first valve replacement I had (forgetting the repair as a child for now) and the replacement with a mechanical (20 years later) led me to revisit much of that.

How I felt about the clear trauma of having a sternotomy and heart stopping and "near death" and all that the psychologists may postulate over that was that ultimately the trauma of such
injuries which would kill us (outside of a surgical environment) did not kill us (or we would not be discussing this). We survived and I came to the view that the mind did not experience things in the same way as the various chemicals we would have had released in such a trauma "in the wild" were either not released or in very different concentrations. Indeed in a normal "trauma" shock is a powerful tool of the mind to cut out processing of things which may be too much for it. Having gone into shock out in the wild and having had people go into shock (and having been trained in first aid) I've seen how the mental states alter.

Something which I pondered for some time was this:
as I had a homograft, which was cryo-preserved (not antibiotic preservation) I effectively received a graft from some other (tissue compatible) person. Did that confer some of that person into me? Having been a science (biochemistry / microbiology) trained person I'd read the various discussions about where and how the body stores information. I had read a few years before my surgery (and had not even been considering surgery at that point in time) of the possibility of M-RNA in the storage and transmissions of memory (here is a starter paper). I wondered at how I was changing (as I was then in the midst of my second degree) and how I was altering in habit and altering in organisation. Was it the situation or was something of the other person conferred to me?

I didn't know and I still don't (but I feel perhaps I did).

But my operation at 28 was a life changer in the midst of life changing times.

Ultimately each of us will come to different conclusions (and indeed probably different "conclusions" again as we contemplate it over the years) but the visions of younger people and our reactions are different to the elderly who are in both a physically and psychologically different time of life.

And with that, tonight I’m drinking a nice red wine and celebrating life for all of us! That might take a lot of wine!

I hope you enjoyed the wine and are enjoying life.

I hope also that this event (your surgery) has enabled you to start a new life, a new life which is more self aware and directed consciously rather than unconsciously.

Best Wishes.
 
pellicle;n853449 said:
Something which I pondered for some time was this:
as I had a homograft, which was cryo-preserved (not antibiotic preservation) I effectively received a graft from some other (tissue compatible) person. Did that confer some of that person into me? Having been a science (biochemistry / microbiology) trained person I'd read the various discussions about where and how the body stores information. I had read a few years before my surgery (and had not even been considering surgery at that point in time) of the possibility of M-RNA in the storage and transmissions of memory (here is a starter paper). I wondered at how I was changing (as I was then in the midst of my second degree) and how I was altering in habit and altering in organisation. Was it the situation or was something of the other person conferred to me?.

Interesting! I am surely oversimplifying the issue, but what defines who we are is our brain (despite all the romantic descriptions of the heart, it is just a blood pumping machine). So, unless you undergo a brain transplantation (currently impossible, as far as i know), nothing received from another person should change your inner self and personality. But i recognize this is a pretty elementary and obvious reasoning, and the human body is extremely complex (and far from being completely understood).
 
Hi Midpack,

The brain is the control centre of the body. It is made up of electrochemical switches and cables extend beyond it to control our every function. However, I don't think that anyone has actually proved that our consciousness resides there.
 
Hi

Midpack;n853467 said:
but what defines who we are is our brain (despite all the romantic descriptions of the heart, it is just a blood pumping machine). So, unless you undergo a brain transplantation (currently impossible, as far as i know),

We are learning that there are many facets of how the brain goes about its business. How for instance are memories restored and indeed where and how are they stored? Some have proposed a mechanism which to put an IT slant on it could be described as "remote backup"

Some are exploring the roles of types of M-RNA in learning and wonder if the so called "muscle memory" (really a neural programming at an unconscious level) may be stored and backed up.

Here is a heads up on an interesting surgical proposal

http://www.newscientist.com/article/...two-years.html
 
I was a big sci fi fan when I was a kid. We used to play with the short wave radio during lunch and convince ourselves we were picking up signals from UFOs.
Books were an escape. I would lie on my bed and enter another world. And when Cosmos started playing, I was in high school. The wait until the next weekly episode was agonising. Carl Sagan was one of my childhood heroes.
 
Hi

Agian;n853642 said:
... And when Cosmos started playing, I was in high school. The wait until the next weekly episode was agonising. Carl Sagan was one of my childhood heroes.

have you seen the "remakes" of Cosmos? Not bad, bit too much "social messages" in there, but graphics are of course better
 
hi Workmonkey,
Another very thoughful and extremely informative post. I remember reading your post a year ago when you were going thru excellent recovery at the hospital 2 days after your ascending aorta repair. Your posts clearly tell us that you are very methodological in assessing and addressing your health issues, and even more beautifully articulating your thoughts through writing.

What you have already shared will help the readers greatly. Since by now you seem to have found yourself at peace with your health, physical, mental, psycological and emotional states - both in pre and post surgery stages, can I ask you a question which may help some of us in another more specific way? I hope it's OK to ask the same as you now seem to have confidently and thoroughly addressed all related health concerns.

If I'm not misaken your ascending aorta was 5.1mm which was repaired/replaced. Your root also measured at 4.4mm but was spared. Can you please share your thoughts (and that of your surgeon) on the latter? There are a whole bunch of our fellow valvers here on the forum who start getting extremely nervous around 4.5mm "root" (even calling the measurement "aneurysm" and use the words such as "dissection"), and don't seem to find solace even when their cardiologists tell them not to worry, and even with new 2014 guidelines calling out 5.5mm as the mark for such surgeries. While most such patients like us merely wonder what inside may look like (and whether or not surgical intervention is really warranted at these "root" measurements), your surgeon actually had a chance to see the same through his own naked eyes, and yet decided to spare it during the surgery.

Any thoughts there would be greatly appreciated.

In any case, good to hear from you and glad to see what you are kicking, flourishing, happy and enjoying your life back to the fullest. Keep that way forever.
thanks
 

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