FREDDIE!!
I think i'm gonna puke.....
I think i'm gonna puke.....
Joke time
- Thread starter Ross
- Start date
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Eva...good one...made me chuckle!
Jim
Jim
T
The English Patient
Freddie - Eva...excellent form today. Still laughing at the thought of those silly students. And only a women could cut a mans legs from under him like that! Bravo, i'm off to find a good joke book.
Eva and Freddie ... LOL LOL .....
Now for my contribution
A very male chauvinist Fire Chief was at home installing a bell on the wall above the bed
Wife ..."what's that for?"
Fire Chief ... "when I ring it once, you strip ... when I ring it twice, we make wild passionate love"
He reaches up and rings the bell once, she strips ... he rings it two time and she jump in bed and the are wildly passionate ... She reaches up and rings the bell three times......
Fire Chief ... "what does three rings mean?
Wife ... "fire still burning, need more hose"
Now for my contribution
A very male chauvinist Fire Chief was at home installing a bell on the wall above the bed
Wife ..."what's that for?"
Fire Chief ... "when I ring it once, you strip ... when I ring it twice, we make wild passionate love"
He reaches up and rings the bell once, she strips ... he rings it two time and she jump in bed and the are wildly passionate ... She reaches up and rings the bell three times......
Fire Chief ... "what does three rings mean?
Wife ... "fire still burning, need more hose"
Turkey Hunter
Well-known member
It goes back to the days when beer was served in measured amounts of "Pints" and "Quarts"....so Mind your P's and Q's was telling you to not drink to much!!!! And yes, It was English......
One more.....
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over
his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
'Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask. 'Are my testicles
black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, 'I don't know, Sir,
I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles
in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, there's nothing wrong with
them, Sir!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly,
'Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......
Are - my - test - results - back?'
Good one, Ben!
Jim[/COLOR]
Bonzo Dog
Well-known member
Nice one Ben.
To continue the hospital theme................
Taken from hospital charts .....
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
To continue the hospital theme................
Taken from hospital charts .....
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
hall
Well-known member
Ps and Qs...........Pills and Quickies! That is what I know but I don't think that's right. LOL
These jokes are to funny.
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father.
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands
up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make
sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom."
Too funny Bina LOL
UPS - Mom LOL
UPS - Mom LOL
How did you know that I posted that one for Freddie?? LOL LOL
Bonzo Dog
Well-known member
Why men don't make good agony aunts
Why men don't make good agony aunts
To Adrian's Advice Column
Dear Adrian,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 37, my husband is 40, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for 14 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed & worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.
Can you please help?
Sincerely
Heather
Dear Heather
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Adrian
Why men don't make good agony aunts
To Adrian's Advice Column
Dear Adrian,
I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 37, my husband is 40, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for 14 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for 6 months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed & worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him any more.
Can you please help?
Sincerely
Heather
Dear Heather
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solve the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
Adrian
This is the fairy tale that you (if applicable) should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauted frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't frigging think so.
***********************************************
Once upon a time,
~~~~~~~~
in a land far away,
~~~~~~~~
a beautiful, independent,
~~~~~~~~
self-assured princess
~~~~~~~~
happened upon a frog as she sat,
~~~~~~~~
contemplating ecological issues
~~~~~~~~
on the shores of an unpolluted pond
~~~~~~~~
in a verdant meadow near her castle.
~~~~~~~~
The frog hopped into the princess' lap
~~~~~~~~
and said: Elegant Lady,
~~~~~~~~
I was once a handsome prince,
~~~~~~~~
until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.
~~~~~~~~
One kiss from you, however,
~~~~~~~~
and I will turn back
~~~~~~~~
into the dapper, young prince that I am
~~~~~~~~
and then, my sweet, we can marry
~~~~~~~~
and set up housekeeping in your castle
~~~~~~~~
with my mother,
~~~~~~~~
where you can prepare my meals,
~~~~~~~~
clean my clothes, bear my children,
~~~~~~~~
and forever
~~~~~~~~
feel grateful and happy doing so.
~~~~~~~~
That night,
~~~~~~~~
as the princess dined sumptuously
~~~~~~~~
on lightly sauted frog legs
~~~~~~~~
seasoned in a white wine
~~~~~~~
and onion cream sauce,
~~~~~~~~
she chuckled and thought to herself:
~~~~~~~~
I don't frigging think so.
***********************************************
George Carlin quotes.
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
31. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets are not going as ghosts but as mattresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is it considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do practice?
13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
18. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
19. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
20. How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
21. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
22. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
23. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
24. How is it possible to have a civil war?
25. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
26. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
27. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
28. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?
29. Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'assteroids'?
30. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
31. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?
hensylee
Well-known member
Originally Posted by hensylee
I used to know where P's and Q's came from but I got really old and forgot. Somebody please tell us.......... I think it might've been English.
"?It goes back to the days when beer was served in measured amounts of "Pints" and "Quarts"....so Mind your P's and Q's was telling you to not drink to much!!!! And yes, It was English......"
Yup, used to know this.
I used to know where P's and Q's came from but I got really old and forgot. Somebody please tell us.......... I think it might've been English.
"?It goes back to the days when beer was served in measured amounts of "Pints" and "Quarts"....so Mind your P's and Q's was telling you to not drink to much!!!! And yes, It was English......"
Yup, used to know this.
Corn Pone
Corn Pone
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutia
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
Corn Pone
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutia
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
