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Can't leave out Thanksgiving

Can't leave out Thanksgiving

Jasper and the Unbaked Yeast Rolls

We have a fox terrier by the name of Jasper. He came to us
in the summer of 2001 from the fox terrier rescue program.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with this type of
adoption, imagine taking in a 10-year-old child you know
nothing about and committing to doing your best to be a good
parent.

Five weeks ago we began remodeling our house. Although the
cost of the project was downright obnoxious, it was 20 years
overdue AND it got me out of cooking Thanksgiving dinner for
family, extended family, and a lot of friends that I like
more than family most of the time.

I was assigned the task of preparing 124 of my famous yeast
dinner rolls for the two Thanksgiving feasts we did attend.

I am still mad at the electrician for getting the new oven
hooked up so quickly. It was the only appliance in the whole
house that worked, thus the assignment.

I made the decision to cook the rolls on Wednesday evening
and to reheat Thursday morning. Since the kitchen was
freshly painted, you can imagine the odor. Not wanting the
rolls to smell like Sherwin Williams latex paint #586, I put
the rolls on baking sheets and set them in the living room
to rise for five hours.

After three hours, Perry and I decided to go out to eat,
returning about an hour later. An hour after that, the rolls
were ready to go into the oven.

It was 8:30 p.m. When I went to the living room to retrieve
the pans, much to my shock, one whole pan of 12 rolls was
empty. I called out to Jasper, and my worst nightmare became
a reality. He literally wobbled over to me. He looked like a
combination of the Pillsbury dough boy and the Michelin Tire
man wrapped up in fur. He groaned when he walked. Even his
cheeks were bloated.

I ran to the phone and called our vet. After a few seconds
of uproarious laughter, he told me the dog would probably be
OK; however, I needed to give him Pepto Bismol every two
hours for the rest of the night.

Who knows why I thought a dog would like Pepto Bismol any
more than my kids did when they were sick. Suffice it to say
that by the time we went to bed, the dog was black, white,
and pink. He was so bloated we had to lift him onto the bed
for the night.

Naively thinking the dog would be all better by morning was
very stupid on my part.

We arose at 7:30 and as we always do first thing, we put the
dog out to take care of his business. Well, the dog was as
drunk as a sailor on his first leave. He was running into
walls, falling flat on his rear. Most of the time when he
was walking, his front half was going one direction and the
other half was either dragging the grass or headed 90
degrees in another direction. When he ran down the small
incline in our back yard, he couldn't stop himself and
nearly ended up running into the fence.

His pupils were dilated and he was as dizzy as a loon. I
endured another few seconds of laughter from the vet (second
call within 12 hours) before he explained that the yeast had
fermented in his belly and that he was indeed drunk.

He assured me that, not unlike most binges we humans go
through, it would wear off after about four or five hours.
He then told me to keep giving the dog Pepto Bismol.

Afraid to leave Jasper by himself in the house, Perry and I
loaded him up and took him with us to my sister's house for
the first Thanksgiving meal of the day.

My sister lives outside of Muskogee on a ranch (a 10- to
15-minute drive). Rolls firmly secured in the trunk (124
less 12) and drunk dog leaning from the back seat onto the
console of the car between Perry and me, we took off.

Now I know you probably don't believe that dogs burp, but
believe me when I say that after eating a tray of risen
unbaked yeast rolls, DOGS WILL BURP. These burps were pure
Old Charter. They would have matched or beat any smell in a
drunk tank at the police station. But that's not the worst
of it.

Now he was beginning to pass gas and it smelled like baked
rolls. We endured this for the entire trip to Karen's. We
were thankful she didn't live any farther away than she did.

Once Jasper was firmly placed in my sister's garage with the
door locked, we finally sat down to enjoy our first
Thanksgiving meal of the day. The dog was the topic of
conversation all morning long and everyone made trips to the
garage to witness my drunken dog, each returning with a tale
of Jasper's latest endeavor to walk without running into
something. Of course, as the old adage goes, "What goes in
must come out," and Jasper was no exception.

Granted if it had been me that had eaten 12 risen, unbaked
yeast rolls, you might as well have put a concrete block up
my behind, but alas a dog's digestive system is quite
different from yours or mine. I discovered this was a mixed
blessing when we prepared to leave Karen's house.

Having discovered his "packages" on the garage floor, we
loaded him up in the car so we could hose down the floor.

This was another naive decision on our part. The blast of
water from the hose hit the poop on the floor, and the poop
on the floor withstood the blast from the hose. It was like
Portland cement beginning to set up and cure.

We finally tried to remove it with a shovel. I (obviously no
one else was going to offer their services) had to get on my
hands and knees with a coarse brush to get the remnants off
of the floor. And as if this wasn't degrading enough, the
dog in his drunken state had walked through the poop and
left paw prints all over the garage floor that had to be
brushed too.

Well, by this time the dog was sobering up nicely, so we
took him home and dropped him off before we left for our
second Thanksgiving dinner at Perry's sister's house.

I am happy to report that as of today (Monday) the dog is
back to normal, both in size and temperament. He has had a
bath and is no longer tricolor. None the worse for wear, I
presume. I am also happy to report that just this evening I
found two risen unbaked yeast rolls hidden inside my closet
door.

It appears he must have come to his senses after eating ten
of them but decided hiding two of them for later would not
be a bad idea. Now, I'm doing research on the computer: "How
to clean unbaked dough from the carpet."

And how was your day?
 
The onion and the christmas tree!!!!!!!!!!!

The onion and the christmas tree!!!!!!!!!!!

The family is sitting at the dinner table,The son asks his dad
'Dad'

How many kinds of boobies are there? The dad surprised,replies

Well son theres 3 kinds of breasts.In her 20's a womans breasts
are like melons ' round and firm"

In her 30's and forties they are like pears,still nice but hanging
a bit.

After 50 they are like onions.
Onions?? yes you see them and they make you cry said his dad.

This infuriated his wife and daughter,so the daughter says,
"Mom" how many types of willies are there?? the mom suprprised
smiles and answers "Well dear a man goes through 3 phases."

His 20's his willie is like an oak tree "mighty and hard
In his 30's and 40's its like a birch tree,"flexable and reliable"
After his 50's it is like a christmas tree,A christmas tree???

Yes dear,dead from the root up and the balls for
decoration only.:D:D:D:)


K the clang sent me this one from work this morning and
couldn't resist sharing it sides im christmas baking and missed
my ususal coffee outing so they sent me an e-mail and i laughed

so hard i had to share this.

zipper2 (DEB)
 
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. 'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the rigs.'
Mummy fainted!

Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
 
Awesome collection of jokes

Awesome collection of jokes

Ross started this Sept.10th omg there so many funny great jokes

i can't believe the pages and pages .....i'm done reading though sooooooo

ANYBODY,ANYMORE funnies it's great to get a laugh:p and a:)


zipper2 (DEB)
 
Here is one of my favorites....good for us old folks

Here is one of my favorites....good for us old folks

A 92yr old man goes to his doctor and asks him to prescribe Viagra.
The doctor trying to be as diplomatic as possible says 'Sir with all due respect don't you think your'e a little old to be worrying about sex?'
The old man looks at him and says 'Who the hell is talking about sex? I just want it to stick out far enough so I can pee!!
'
 
Things you can only say at Thanksgiving!



1. Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?



Happy Thanksgiving
 
Well, my mouth is still agape from reading Ross's lovely Thanksgiving tribute....
On a similar theme, when I make the shopping list every week, I'll make sure that I write Chick Boobs and then hubby knows to buy chicken breast.
(for some reason there is TONS of chicken in my fridge)LOL
 
All Rise for the Pillsbury Doughboy

All Rise for the Pillsbury Doughboy

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.
 
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile for even a brief second, please rise to the occasion and take time to pass it on and share that smile with someone else who may be having a crumby day and kneads a lift.


Bina...that was too cute:D .... Now how about this one.......

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#@?
 

LITTLE GIRL ON A PLANE

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh#@?

Now this would be good one to say at your foreman.
 
Reminds me of the line from the Jackson Brown song?.

Reminds me of the line from the Jackson Brown song?.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.
 
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."
"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"
"Twenty-six," he said.

Ha ha, point proven.:p
 
Two peanuts walked into a bar and one was a salted

groaner but had to say something (LOL)

zipper2 (DEB)
 
The Allergists voted to scratch it,
and the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it,
but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve,
and the Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a
misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted;
the Pathologists yelled, 'Over my dead body!'
while the Pediatricians said, 'Oh, Grow up!'

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
the Radiologists could see right through it,
and the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,
and the Plastic Surgeons said, 'This puts a whole new face on the
matter.'
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,
but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.

The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas,
and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some a--holes
in Washington
 
Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
 
Bina...........CHICK BOOBS (LOL) thats one i gotta remember.

Ross haha thats so short i will remember it during my aniesthetic

if i ever get it for surgery,i'll laugh myself to sleep.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

zipper2 (DEB)
 
How to ask your boss for salary increase

How to ask your boss for salary increase

One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely, Employee

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear

I kNOw you have been working very hard. I kNOw what you mean...I think you should kNOw that NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
 
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