It is 7pm local time as I write this, I was supposed to have surgery 7:30 this morning for a mechanical aortic valve replacement.
I've been on the waiting list since January and I got a call 2 days ago to say there was a bed available If I wanted to come in for surgery. When I heard this news I became faint and needed to lie down and take 10mg of diazepam. My wonderful parents did all the communication with the hospital, my family obviously want me to go ahead with this surgery so they told the hospital that I will take the vacancy.
I took 20mg of Valium just to get to the hospital. That night in hospital I became very emotional, I couldn't stop crying. My emotions became worse when I said goodbye to my family, they are the most important people in the world to me.
I was due to have surgery at 7:30am. At about 3am I made my mind up that I didn't want to go ahead with the surgery and told the nurse. She called the doctor, he told me to try to get some sleep as my surgery was in a few hours and that I needed sleep (that seemed like a paradox in itself as you're put to sleep for surgery anyway)
At about 6am after 2 hours sleep the nurse asked me if I was ready for my shower. I told her I still did not want to have surgery.
I am only home now a few hours and felt this was the best place to express my emotions.
At the moment I feel like a bloody fool, I feel I let my family down and myself down.
I am assymptomatic and feel fine but it would have been such a relief to get this surgery out of the way.
I realise have huge emtional and psychological issues to overcome.
I was just so scared of never waking up and seeng my family again.
I've been on the waiting list since January and I got a call 2 days ago to say there was a bed available If I wanted to come in for surgery. When I heard this news I became faint and needed to lie down and take 10mg of diazepam. My wonderful parents did all the communication with the hospital, my family obviously want me to go ahead with this surgery so they told the hospital that I will take the vacancy.
I took 20mg of Valium just to get to the hospital. That night in hospital I became very emotional, I couldn't stop crying. My emotions became worse when I said goodbye to my family, they are the most important people in the world to me.
I was due to have surgery at 7:30am. At about 3am I made my mind up that I didn't want to go ahead with the surgery and told the nurse. She called the doctor, he told me to try to get some sleep as my surgery was in a few hours and that I needed sleep (that seemed like a paradox in itself as you're put to sleep for surgery anyway)
At about 6am after 2 hours sleep the nurse asked me if I was ready for my shower. I told her I still did not want to have surgery.
I am only home now a few hours and felt this was the best place to express my emotions.
At the moment I feel like a bloody fool, I feel I let my family down and myself down.
I am assymptomatic and feel fine but it would have been such a relief to get this surgery out of the way.
I realise have huge emtional and psychological issues to overcome.
I was just so scared of never waking up and seeng my family again.