Cancelled my surgery at last minute, I'm an emotional wreck

[Ged1975]

It is 7pm local time as I write this, I was supposed to have surgery 7:30 this morning for a mechanical aortic valve replacement.

I've been on the waiting list since January and I got a call 2 days ago to say there was a bed available If I wanted to come in for surgery. When I heard this news I became faint and needed to lie down and take 10mg of diazepam. My wonderful parents did all the communication with the hospital, my family obviously want me to go ahead with this surgery so they told the hospital that I will take the vacancy.

I took 20mg of Valium just to get to the hospital. That night in hospital I became very emotional, I couldn't stop crying. My emotions became worse when I said goodbye to my family, they are the most important people in the world to me.

I was due to have surgery at 7:30am. At about 3am I made my mind up that I didn't want to go ahead with the surgery and told the nurse. She called the doctor, he told me to try to get some sleep as my surgery was in a few hours and that I needed sleep (that seemed like a paradox in itself as you're put to sleep for surgery anyway)

At about 6am after 2 hours sleep the nurse asked me if I was ready for my shower. I told her I still did not want to have surgery.

I am only home now a few hours and felt this was the best place to express my emotions.

At the moment I feel like a bloody fool, I feel I let my family down and myself down.

I am assymptomatic and feel fine but it would have been such a relief to get this surgery out of the way.

I realise have huge emtional and psychological issues to overcome.

I was just so scared of never waking up and seeng my family again.

 

[Lynlw]

I am so sorry, don't beat your self up for letting anyone, down, what's done is done. Take some time to get calm and think about what you can do to feel better about this. Heart surgery is very scarey, so many times I just wanted to grab Justin at the last minute and run as far away from the hospital and surgery as possible. Would it help to get councling, or maybe ask more questions from your surgeon to feel more comfortable about the surgery. I'll keep you in my prayers.

 

[escargome]

Gerard,
I'm not going to say you shouldn't have cancelled since I know what a emotional task this has been for you. But speaking honestly, if you don't work up the courage to go through with this, you will die!. Granted you have no symptoms that you know of, but silently you are hurting your heart. Please, reconsider and get with your cardiologist and a mental health person to work this out. You are young and strong. You can do this. Your family wants you around for many more years. But in finality whatever you decide, I know that it will be the best decision for you. I will always have your back

 

[Nupur]

HUGS

Don't feel like a fool. You are scared! Nothing wrong with it. Before you schedule again, maybe you can work with a therapist to overcome the fear. I know I'll need to : )

You will be fine! Now relax and don't beat yourself up, what's done is done. Look ahead. Hope you feel better.

 

[geebee]

The emotional is much harder than the physical and can be much harder to cope with. This is not a picnic from any viewpoint. I fully believe you have to be emotionally ready in order to recover well.

That being said, you know you have to do this. You cannot change the fact that you cancelled surgery - that is over and done so be kind to yourself. Realize that you really were not ready and figure out the best way for you to reschedule and go through with it. Might be talking to family, a religious leader, doctor, etc.

Please let us know how we can help.

 

[Mary]

Gee, this is a tough spot for you, and I'm very sorry that you're going through it.
I have no advice, but please don't beat yourself up over this.
I'm glad you chose to share your decision with us, and I hope we can help in whatever capacity you need us to.

 

[njean]

Like others have said, don't beat yourself up on this. When you work up the courage, perhaps you can make plans to re-schedule.

Two years ago I did the same thing. I have already had 3 heart surgeries with the most recent surgery in 2006 to swap out the old, 31-year old aortic mechanical valve with a new one. Well, after a year later, the 31-year old mitral mechanical valve also started malfunctioning due to the scar tissue in & around it which obstructs the opening & closing of the leaflets. So, off I go to Houston to have a 4th OHS!!!

When I got there, the doctors were very brutally honest & told me that the surgery was very high-risk & the chances were very high for something to go wrong. I was so frightened & all the courage I had worked up to go thru with the surgery, went out the window. I was a total wreck & told the doctors I did not want it. They agreed that that was probably the best thing for me to do because you have to be in a positive & good frame of mind about it. That is very important!

So, you think about it & when you feel it's time, then go for it & don't look back. Remember that all of us here are survivors & we've all been there & back & I'm sure you will too when you're ready!!

Best of luck to you!

 

[skeptic49]

Sorry to read about the cancellation. I agree with those who say not to beat yourself up over this. It happens. You need to get prepared then go for it. If you can concentrate on your recovery afterward, on the fact that you will be "fixed" and healthier, and that going ahead with this surgery is the best thing that you can do for those that love you, that might help. What I do now to make myself healthier is done for the benefit of those who love me as much as it is for myself. I figure that I owe it to then to get myself healthy. I know you have parents and others who care for you deeply. Get the surgery with them in mind.

Best wishes,

Jim

 

[catwoman]

I felt the same way pre-op. Scared, even angry that I was needing surgery. And, yes, I contemplated not having surgery -- or just delaying it.
But I looked at my options:
1. Biting the bullet and having surgery.
2. Not having surgery and not living much longer

I chose the first one.

I've always likened it to the first time I got on the high diving board at our city pool when I was a teen-ager: wanting to get off the board, but couldn't because there was a line behind me. So -- I just jumped off the board into the deep end of the pool.
And it wasn't as bad as I thought.

Neither was heart surgery. An inconvenience, yes. Discomfort, yes. But I got through it, and so have many, many others through the years.

Please reconsider and climb over that mountain to the other side. Your family and friends, as well as those of us here, are rooting for you!

 

[Bina]

I'm the anxious type too.....Whenever my cardio would talk about the surgery, I would have to lie down to keep from fainting.
My symptoms got so bad that I had no more time to freak out and the hospital called me in early.
It was better for me that way: they called, and said come NOW. That was it.
Hubby made sure that I signed the forms and I went to sleep.
You can do this.

 

[JeffM]

Hey Gerard,

We chatted briefly a few months back about dealing with the anxiety of this challenging situation. It's such a scary ordeal to have to face and the anxiety we sometimes feel about it is worse than anything during or after the surgery. You just want that feeling to stop, right? Problem is, you're still going to have to face it because the alternative, you know this, is something you're not ready for yet. My brother, the odds are soooo much in your favor. The hundreds of posts you can read in VR are living proof. Hey, Barbara Bush came through it with flying colors! Georgie was a wreck, but everyone's happy now. You're gonna be fine. But you need to get this (and the accompanying anxiety) behind you. In a few weeks, you'll be giving others advice and sharing your experiences as you progress through your recovery and relish in the royal treatment you'll get from your loved ones....enjoy it while it lasts!

 

[TakeStock]

I can't imagine how difficult it would be to face a surgery date dictated by a phone call a few days ahead of the date. My surgery is next Tuesday but I've had several weeks to prepare myself mentally. Like you I'm asymptomatic but I look at it as ME deciding when to have the surgery, not my heart and not my surgeon. Sure, I could wait a few months but this isn't just a surgery, this is MY surgery. Own it, embrace it, and be strong. You'll get through it just fine. Good luck!

 

[palmaceae]

This is a very difficult decision and very hard to go through. I am a little over 2 weeks post op and I am very happy I did it, it is certainly better then the alternative. They told me how bad my valve was before, I had symptoms and knew it needed to be done. Believe me when I say the waiting for the surgery was a lot worse for me then after the surgery. The surgeon told me after the surgery that after he saw the valve, I was very blessed to have it done now, because a year from now I would have had heart failure.
Do you have a pastor you can talk to?

 

[kfay]

Gerrard, you aren't the first and I'm sure won't be the last to cancel your surgery at the last moment. You can't dwell on it now. You need to realize that your odds of surviving this surgery are VERY GOOD, probably somewhere around 98% or so. Your odds of surviving for the long term if you don't have surgery are much, much, lower than that.

Nerves are just a terrible thing. They make you feel awful and can make you make decisions that once you have the opportunity to stand back and look at, you realize may not have been in your best interest. I can't think of a situation where you are going to have to fight your anxiety more than this one.

I know that I experienced many times in the weeks and days leading up to my surgery that I had second thoughts. I vividly remember sitting in the pre-surgery area by myself and thinking was I doing the right thing. I knew that if I didn't have it done then, I wasn't sure that I'd come back. I couldn't stand the anxiety any longer. I promise you that what you are going through now is SO much worse than the surgery itself and you will feel so relieved when it is over and done.

Please keep us posted and know that we are all here for you.

Kim

 

[halleyg]

Gerard,
Everyone has felt the same way. I have two small children and my biggest fear was leaving them. But I knew by having the surgery I was leaving them temporarily; if I didn't have it I would eventually have left them forever, much too soon, and I would have been able to prevent that. I know your family doesn't want to lose you and that you will have the surgery to save yourself. I completely understand your fear, though. I was sure I was going to leave the hospital the moment I got there, if I could have even gotten up the nerve to go. But, I did go, and I didn't leave, and today I am healthy and able to be there for the people who need me. And, life is even sweeter. I'm sure it's extremely difficult to have to go at a moment's notice like that. I had periods of waiting before each of my OHS's where I was so tired of the anxiety I held it together and just did it. I'm sure the next time will be different and you will have been able to prepare yourself mentally. It is the hardest thing to do, but you will be glad once you have it behind you... that is the best part! Good luck to you.

 

[Woodbutcher]

Greg, I'm so sorry to read your post. What a shame you didn't go through with it... You know you need to do it, right ? Not having it done isn't an option...
You'll be fine, just be pleased you're not a woman because I recon child birth is far more difficult than open heart surgery !
I'll fly over and drive you in myself next time if want... It's really not that bad.
Go easy on yourself though, it's not the end of the world, just a slight delay ?

 

[Curtsmum]

I can't speak for me as i am not the paitent but i sure know how you feel. When my son the light of my life needs surgery and they cancel on us i get really p***d off but i also wan't to run a mile when we are there ready to have surgery, i so wish i could take his place. It can be really scary leading up to surgery but you will be so glad when you can post to say it is all over. All the best.

 

[kschul]

As others before me have said these are all normal/natural feelings. No one goes into surgery happy and relaxed. I am scheduled myself for surgery in about 1-1/2 months for open heart surgery. I have never had open heart surgery before but have had abdominal surgeries in the past so I understand that "morning of" rush of emotions. I agree the fact it is open heart surgery puts a completely different spin on things I think people naturally are more anxious.

I stumbled onto the Cleveland Clinic website that describes guided imagery as being a wonderful option and just purchased a CD today. The Cleveland Clinic did a research study and found that patients who listened to these guided imagery CD's before and after surgery and throughout their recovery were relaxed, needed 23-50% less pain medicine, had less blood loss, had shorter hospital stays and faster recoveries. I am going to start listening to these daily as soon as they arrive, I will let you know. Good luck. All you have to do is read this forum and realize you are going to be okay.

Kris

 

[Ross]

There isn't one person here who wasn't petrified and if they say different, they are lying. Compose yourself, look at the rest of us and then get it rescheduled and go for it. We'd like you around for a while. I really don't feel like adding anyone else to the In loving Memory forum for a very long time and certainly not because of waiting for surgery like Pegny.

 

[The Milkman]

Don?t beat your self up!
I know to a degree, how you are feeling right now.
I also spent two days in hospital, took my shower on the morning of the operation and was wheeled down to surgery only to be told that due to technical issues they couldn?t operate. Although my operation was cancelled by the hospital, I remember having mixed feelings, but the one emotion that was the strongest at the time was that of relief and then guilt for how I felt. I was then discharged and the realisation that I still had to go through the operation slowly but surely sank in! I hope your date for the operation is soon, I had to wait 5 weeks ? when the day for the new operation comes around you will still worry, you may well still cry ? I did!
Keep telling yourself that you have done most of the admission stuff before and what you know - you will fear less! If you ever want a shoulder to cry on or someone to sound off on ? please do not hesitate to pm me,

Andy