anger

[psalmist]

I am new to all of this stuff. I have already had surgery. About 3 weeks out. Honestly everything has gone very smoothly. I found out I had a leaky valve in june and had it replaced on Oct. 2nd. I feel fine. Really I feel like the physical side of it was/is a whole lot easier than the mental. I don't understand it. I can aknowledge it and know why it was necessary but I don't understand. I am 31. A nice guy. . . not that it means anything. Not being able to put it on a shelf so to speak kinda leaves me angry. I don't want to be. I just feel mad that it happened and I guess I don't want the changes in my life. I am sorry for all those who have had a hard time and are more justified in those feelings. What can a person do about those feelings. I really don't want to feel that way. I want to be completely thankful for the gift of a healthier life. Thanks for the ears. Seth

 

[Mary]

I am new to all of this stuff. I have already had surgery. About 3 weeks out. Honestly everything has gone very smoothly. I found out I had a leaky valve in june and had it replaced on Oct. 2nd. I feel fine. Really I feel like the physical side of it was/is a whole lot easier than the mental. I don't understand it. I can aknowledge it and know why it was necessary but I don't understand. I am 31. A nice guy. . . not that it means anything. Not being able to put it on a shelf so to speak kinda leaves me angry. I don't want to be. I just feel mad that it happened and I guess I don't want the changes in my life. I am sorry for all those who have had a hard time and are more justified in those feelings. What can a person do about those feelings. I really don't want to feel that way. I want to be completely thankful for the gift of a healthier life. Thanks for the ears. Seth

Seth,
I would advise you to just give it time.
I know that I've been ticked off, and mad as hell, at different times about my situation, and it doesn't do a bit of good.
In my case, I worked my entire adult life to be heart healthy so I wouldn't die early like my dad did.
Then at 49 I discovered my aortic stenosis was caused by a genetic defect--BAV--and I didn't have a choice as to what happened with my heart. I was even more unhappy when I learned I had passed it on to my own child.
With the passage of time the anger and disbelief has faded, and I focus more on my life and less on my health.
I think you will too.

 

[Cooker]

Seth,
There is an emotional side to OHS and it is different for everyone. I know that with my surgery there was not a lot of emotional upset. I also know that I am better off physically and for me that translates in to a better emotional and spiritual state.

My best friend David (like a brother to me) will most likely not make it to Thanksgiving. He has never been a smoker or a drinker. He is strong in his faith and has never asked the ?why me? question. He is going to leave behind a wife and two children. At 41 years of age, he has taught me more about living through his dying than I have learned in my 51 years. I hurt my back this weekend and as I write this response I am ashamed that I complained?..when I think about my brother who can?t move and never will again.

Count your blessings my friend. You have many.

 

[geebee]

Seth,

I wrote an artile, years ago, for a newsletter that my (then) cardio's office published. The title: "Open Heart Surgery - The Physical Is The Easy Part".

OHS tests even the strongest of us emotionally. Your body is put through one of the worst traumas it can have from a contolled standpoint. As you have pointed out, there seems to be no reason why each of us is picked as a patient. We lead good lives, try to take care of ourselves, etc., yet we have to go through this - WHY????

I have come up with many answers - to help others, to help us to better appreciate life, even thought I was making up for bad things in a previous life. All of it boils down to there is either no answer or all of the above. However, I do think the most important is to be happy about being alive and make the very best of your life from here.

Go visit a psychiatrist. I think it should be a requirement that everyone going through this visit a therapist before, during and after. This is not something you can handle alone and, quite often, our family just does not understand. Even having this site is not nearly enough sometimes.

Please take care and know what you are feeling is perfectly normal for what you are going through although, of course, you want this to go away along with the physical trauma of recovery.

 

[briansmom]

My son suffers with this problem also. On top of the OHS that has left him permanently less than 100%, he is 17 and going through puberty and hormones. It has been particularly bad this weekend and I am not sure how to help him. He does see a therapist. So, I guess I am not giving you any words of wisdom, but please pass anything along that you learn.

 

[Karlynn]

Depression and OHS kind of go hand in hand, so it's not beyond the scope to think that anger or any other emotion would creep in as well. Don't shun your feelings, explore them. I have had my times where I've felt very cheated by the health card I was dealt. I've had times where I've had relatives who've never had anything more life threatening than a hang nail tell me that I needed to look on the bright side. They were right - I did, but in MY time not what they felt should be the time. I was 26 when my heart started causing problems and 32 when I had my surgery. I was the only 32 year old I knew to have significant health issues and it TICKED ME OFF!!!! Eventually it made me feel like a stronger person than those who had not had to deal with all the issues involved in critical health crisis. Not that I wish it on anyone, but it is true that that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

[MikeHeim]

I can certainly relate as most people on this site can. Before surgery, I was stressed and couldn't wait to get it over with. I thought that when it was all over, I would start feeling better very quickly, and within a few months forget that it had ever happened. That was so far from the truth it was ridiculous. After surgery, I felt like I was never going to recover. I was absolutely convinced that something was going to go wrong with my repaired valve and I would need another surgery. I was also very angry at the fact that I was a heart patient and would think of myself as one every day until I died - a daunting prospect for someone who was only 29. I felt like I could never be carefree and would never again feel like there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. The fact that I find myself on this site every single day (usually 3-4 times), is evidence that I still think about it constantly. I also feel angry at myself for sometimes feeling sorry for myself. After all, I at least got to live the first 28 years of my life without any restrictions or reservations, while some people on this site (or parents of more youthful patients) have had to live their whole lives with it. I can tell you that things will get better with time. I do take full advantage of what life has to offer, and the actual changes I have had to make have been minimal. Be well and I hope your recovery continues to go relatively smoothly from a medical standpoint.

 

[Ross]

I think all of us can relate to this Seth. I was 33 when my aneurysm ruined my life. After fighting off death for a month or two, I came to the conclusion that I was no longer going to take life for granted and sit down, do the things I've wanted to do but couldn't. Pay more attention to the universe around me. Well I can't do much of anything and it makes me mad as hell, but I do give it my all, that of which I can still do.

 

[WayneGM]

Post-op depression/anger is fairly common. I know I've had my share post-op. However, with time it has faded and I now I count my blessings that my heart has been fixed and no permanent damage was done. Yes, I've had to make a few changes in my life style, but I think they're a fair trade off relative to what the outcome could have been if I had not had OHS. These changes have now become my routine and I don't give them a second thought any more.

I think with time, you'll feel better and look forward instead of behind. We're here to listen and support, but sometimes that's not enough. Don't be afraid to seek help locally to get you through this. This was a traumatic experience, so deserves to be treated that way. Good luck and best wishes. Every day is a gift.

 

[BDMc]

"Explore the Feelings"

"Explore the Feelings"

Seth, For folks like us that were healthy,(or at least relatively so for me) before OHS, it is quite a shock to find we need some repairs or we'll die. I told you about the denial I went through after getting the news. I didn't experience the anger, but certainly had tremendous anxiety, fear, and later depression. I really liked the other replies you got here. If you can find a good therapist, I would strongly second Gina's suggestion. I have had invaluable help at different times in my life. Often I have this thought that I should be able to handle it on my own, when a simple call would save me a great deal of suffering. Maybe you just need a skilled person to help you understand your feelings, and give you the objective view of where you are at? All the best, Brian

 

[dick0236]

Seth,
You and I traded posts prior to your surgery and I'm glad you've come thru the surgery successfully. As was posted earlier, the surgery may be the easy part. Getting comfortable with the mental confusion and uncertainity takes a lot longer to deal with. I would echo the advice already given that you spend some time with a therapist who is skilled with dealing with the question of "where do I go from here ?". I would think that, by now, the medical profession would realize that the emotional trauma must be dealt with as well as the physical trauma. Talk with your doctor(s) about available help.

 

[plexxer]

Seth,

With my surgery on the quickly approaching horizon, I must say I can certainly relate with the situation you are in right now. I also feel like I have been living it for the past 4 years since I've found out I've had this condition and knowing that, one day, I will have this surgery. When I first found out about it, I had the same questions as you: why me? what did I do? I have also been through the same quagmire of ups and downs, rationalizations and realizations. My mind raced through scenarios and bounced between such extremes as 'It has to happen to someone, and it could have been much worse' to 'maybe my path through this life is to leave my son without a father so he can get some kind of experience from it'. It's an emotional roller coaster that I wouldn't wish upon anyone.

When it came right down to it, I just decided to treat it like any other experience in my life: learn and live. Try and look at it from outside and examine your situation as you would if it happened to someone else. There is a lot of knowledge to be gained from seeing how you react to intense situations. I bet if you look closely, you will find out how much courage, foresight and integrity you have that you didn't know you did. Think about what you held close when your time came, when you had that clarity and agreed to the surgery. The self-examined life can be a wondrous thing.

Personally, I use times of transition such as this to affect positive change in my life. Getting married meant getting healthy and getting back to school. Even smaller things like changing jobs, I've learned, helps me change habits (before I recognized this, sometimes it was for the worse).

This will not happen overnight. There is still a large emotional element that is attached to this event, and as others wiser than I have stated previously, that will take time to pass. The only way to get through that is to surround yourself with people that you care about, and that care about you. If they truly care about you, they want to help. I, as well as many of us on this forum can attest to, know that this is an exceptional burden to carry, but love is all about sharing burdens.

Regards,

Joel

 

[Kathleen]

Seth
All the emotions you have expressed are very normal. If you do not acknowledge them you cannot hurdle them. I strongly suggest talking to a therapist. I found someone who dealt with people having multiple and ongoing health issues. She helped me a great deal. After surviving surgery one should be so happy to be alive but it is not always the way we feel. I just began to see a therapist again about a month ago. My first heart surgery was 28 years ago. I know there is something coming up and I feel I need the emotional help only a therapist can deliver. It is so theraputic to get dam mad at my heart and voice how much it has let me down. I do hope you continue to mend both outside and inside.
Kathleen

 

[Bina]

Seth, feelings of anger, depression, sadness, and vulnerability are all part of the OHS experience for most of us. You are very much entitled to feel these things, but don't let it pull you down too far without getting help. Some people find relief with yoga, inspirational readings, individual or group support and therapy. Every day is a new day, learn to live again one step at a time.

 

[sknydave]

Just keep yourself busy for a few weeks. Soon you will feel A LOT better. It's almost like someone flips a switch.

 

[ALCapshaw2]

Seth, as everyone has said, it is very common for OHS patients to become emotional / angry / sad following surgery so you are NOT alone.

I was reading this thread when OPRAH came on. Her program today focused on two Cancer Patients and how they are living and coping with their disease. One of them is terminal. His name is Dr. Randy Pausch, a Professor at Carnegie Mellon University. They reported that his Final Lecture to his students has been downloaded by a million? readers. Hopefully you can find it and see his inspiring message. If you can find a copy of today's (Oct 22, 2007) OPRAH show, that would be worth viewing.

'AL Capshaw'

 

[Cooker]

Seth, as everyone has said, it is very common for OHS patients to become emotional / angry / sad following surgery so you are NOT alone.

I was reading this thread when OPRAH came on. Her program today focused on two Cancer Patients and how they are living and coping with their disease. One of them is terminal. His name is Dr. Randy Pausch, a Professor at Carnegie Mellon University. They reported that his Final Lecture to his students has been downloaded by a million? readers. Hopefully you can find it and see his inspiring message. If you can find a copy of today's (Oct 22, 2007) OPRAH show, that would be worth viewing.

'AL Capshaw'

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

 

[Superbob]

It is normal to have feelings like that. The others have expressed it well.

But as far as being young and having OHS and therefore being "limited," let me offer the example of Tedy Bruschi, 34, who had open heart surgery and has now returned to play linebacker for the New England Patriots -- a right fair team, undefeated, maybe the best team ever, and he's right in the thick of it....

And there are plenty of other people who have had heart surgery and are doing many things. So after you have healed and rehabbed, don't put unnecessary limits on yourself.

 

[VikiVix]

anger

Hi Seth
I too went through anger and a little depression after surgery. It's normal and it does pass. After all, we went through a lot in surgery, both physical and mental and yes.....always think of how thankful you are to be alive.
Viki

 

[PeggyM]

http://www.cs.cmu.edu/~pausch/

I saw that Oprah show today too. I just love Chris Carr and that professor!!!

Before, during and after my first surgery at 34 I was very angry. Seeing a therapist helped alot. But for me, it wasn't until I got this urge afterwards to work with sick people that the anger left and my life changed. Focusing on and helping sick people took the focus off myself and was and is very rewarding. As a younger person, you can help your peers who are going through illness because of your own experience. You can relate to and be a light to people in a nursing home who just need someone to talk to. There are all kinds of possibilities.

Just some ideas. You can and will turn it around. Just be patient with yourself and love yourself. You are a member of a very special club.