Was your Significant Other afraid to be intimate with you after your surgery?

[mrichardson]

Question in the title.

I think my wife is. I mean, I'm ready to go now, but I think she still wants to wait a bit longer. She hasn't actually said she's afraid, it's just a feeling I get. We have a wedding anniversary this month, on the 30th (12 years), and I think she wants to wait until then.

So what can I do to calm her fears? I'll be six weeks post-op on Monday the 23rd (also the day I return to work and am able to drive). I've also been doing the DDP Yoga "Stand Up" workout for the past few days. It's a pretty good half-hour workout.

Thoughts?

 

[cldlhd]

Well I'll try to tread lightly here but I would say that unless you're Sting a half hour should be enough time . Also , ummm, the idea that a guy will go 7 weeks without and without doing what needs to be done themselves is somewhat unlikely. So I don't know how comfortable you are with talking about those kinds of things but I would tell my wife that I did a few trial runs on my own to make sure everything is copacetic.

 

[heartburst]

Not bragging but we did it 10 days post op (ok, I'm bragging!) We were both a little afraid or should I say careful. My advice: Just do the gentle passion thing. You should insist you'll be fine, because you will!

 

[mrichardson]

Well I'll try to tread lightly here but I would say that unless you're Sting a half hour should be enough time . Also , ummm, the idea that a guy will go 7 weeks without and without doing what needs to be done themselves is somewhat unlikely. So I don't know how comfortable you are with talking about those kinds of things but I would tell my wife that I did a few trial runs on my own to make sure everything is copacetic.

I've already, um, "taken matters into my own hands" three or four times now...

Although I did tangentially mention intimacy yesterday...her response was "I'm afraid I'm going to hurt you".

I'm guessing at this point, 6-7 weeks out, I'm still not allowed to put a lot of weight on my arms and therefore my chest (I don't know).

And not to get TMI, but she says there are only certain ways we can be intimate that are physically comfortable for her.

 

[honeybunny]

How about a note from your cardio giving you the all clear?

 

[cldlhd]

Not to make light of it but my wife gave me the "are you sure you're ready" so I told her everything went fine with the neighbor.....

 

[Midpack]

Valve surgery is done on old people. And old people dont have sex.
Am i missing something???

:coolhank:

 

[FredW]

I know this is serious, Mrichardson, but if you step back and away from the problem, this string of replies are fairly humorous. I loved Cldlhd's reply, "... so I told her everything went fine with the neighbor..". I have yet to have my valve replaced, but I already hear the 'Are you OK' question before, during and after the 'act'. I believe it is a common problem.

However, I have developed a theory regarding this area of life which differs from honeybunny's reply and some TV commercial. My theory is this: You never, ever, ask your doctor if your heart is healthy enough for sex. This is one question that if the answer is not the one you want to hear, most men will ignore it. So, why ask?

We are all going to go someway and I when shared my theory with my doctor, her reply was: "I can think of many worst ways to go".

Getting back to being more serious, I suggest open honest communications, be creative, go slow and have a magic word where she calls 911, while you catch your breath.

Wishing it works out for you both.

 

[Superman]

Maybe she says she's afraid she'll hurt you, but she's really uncomfortable with the healing wounds all over your body? Not to be a downer - but it is a possibility. She has to adjust and learn to ignore or appreciate the scars.

That, or the neighbor response. I can safely add that to the "I wish I'd thought of that" category.

In terms of risking injury - I can think of several things that would not require supporting your own weight with your arms or chest. She can't hate all of them.

 

[cldlhd]

Fredw is right, how many men would heed that doctors advice regarding that? Look at the male praying mantis. I can only speak for myself but I was far more worried pre surgery when my heart would race but as is the male way the fear didn't kick in until immediately post coitus...
As for the sternum I would still resist putting too much weight on it at this point.

 

[mrichardson]

Valve surgery is done on old people. And old people dont have sex.
Am i missing something???

:coolhank:

Yes. The fact that I'm just almost 40. My pulmonic valve was causing regurgitation into my right ventricle, which was causing problems with my right atrium.

 

[mrichardson]

Maybe she says she's afraid she'll hurt you, but she's really uncomfortable with the healing wounds all over your body? Not to be a downer - but it is a possibility. She has to adjust and learn to ignore or appreciate the scars.

Ahead of you on that one. I was going to keep a shirt on, so she can't see the scars. Besides, she saw my previous scar from when I had my corrective surgery for stenosis when I was a kid. Of course, that scar had faded, and this one hasn't...so...or maybe she can assume the "dominant" position, and face away from me (ride 'em, cowgirl!)...

That, or the neighbor response. I can safely add that to the "I wish I'd thought of that" category.

I want to have sex...not sleep on the couch and/or get my butt kicked. ;-)

In terms of risking injury - I can think of several things that would not require supporting your own weight with your arms or chest. She can't hate all of them.

I know...but it's not a matter of hating them, I don't think. She says it's a matter of comfort. Positions we used to be able to do we "can't" anymore.

 

[FredW]

Valve surgery is done on old people. And old people dont have sex.
Am i missing something???

:coolhank:

Ah, Midpack, I don't know what you consider 'old' and I don't mean to offend you, but I can tell you that if you think over 65 is old, then you are absolutely wrong about the "old people don't have sex" part of this.

 

[Midpack]

Ah, Midpack, I don't know what you consider 'old' and I don't mean to offend you, but I can tell you that if you think over 65 is old, then you are absolutely wrong about the "old people don't have sex" part of this.

I cant beleive you considered my comment seriously! I was just joking expressing some fairly common prejudices, but i thought it was pretty obvious that I dont share them. As you know, english is not my native lenguaje, and i often have troubles to find the rights words.

 

[mrichardson]

So, uh, it appears my ability to do my 30 minute DDP Yoga "Stand Up" workout isn't sufficient. She wants me to take the "stairs" test, where I can prove I can walk a flight of stairs.

Unfortunately, where I live there aren't really any buildings where I can go and prove I can (easily) walk a flight of stairs.

Her words: "I don't want to call 911 because of it (i.e. sex)"...

So now I have to either take matters into my own hands (again), or try to wait until this weekend when we're actually somewhere where there are stairs...

Ugh.

 

[honeybunny]

LOLOL!!! Too funny!!

 

[honeybunny]

Well, when you put it that way, I had a group therapy session a few months after my husband died. One of the women lost her husband to a heart attack during sex. She was grieving deeply and suddenly the joke about "what a way to go" was no longer amusing to me. I share this only to show that, joking aside, if your wife is really truly concerned about dire consequences, calming her fears with the stairs test would show your support and respect for her feelings. I don't think she should be concerned but since she is, alleviating those fears on her terms might be the way to go. Good luck!

 

[mrichardson]

Well, when you put it that way, I had a group therapy session a few months after my husband died. One of the women lost her husband to a heart attack during sex. She was grieving deeply and suddenly the joke about "what a way to go" was no longer amusing to me. I share this only to show that, joking aside, if your wife is really truly concerned about dire consequences, calming her fears with the stairs test would show your support and respect for her feelings. I don't think she should be concerned but since she is, alleviating those fears on her terms might be the way to go. Good luck!

Well, for the past week or so, I've been doing a DDP Yoga* workout called "Stand Up", that is pretty good on leg and core muscle work. It got my heart rate up, and I have had no issues after doing that workout.

Anyhow, I've already told my wife, "I'm finding stairs this weekend...".

The supermarket we go to has a staircase, so I'm going to go up and down that one a couple of times for her to prove I can...then we'll see what happens.

*It ain't your mama's yoga.

 

[Superman]

Interesting. I had to take the "stairs test" to be allowed to leave the hospital. Could have saved a lot of headache if they just let you into the stairwell before discharge.

If I recall correctly, it was two flights (not two stories, there was a landing between floors).

 

[scott.eitman]

This may be the best thread I have read in a long time! I would climb those stairs as many times as necessary