how to tell others?

[ar bee]

need some advice:

i am up for avr some time this year - so far so good ;-))

i am not very sure how i am going to handle my mom: although she knows about my leaking valve (for almost 20y), she assumes (although i have told her of the opposite) that i might get by without avr.
==> Issue is that she is already quite stressed out with the fact that my dad is chronically ill and needs a lot of attention/care, hence i am worried that the prospect of me going under the chain saw might stress her very significantly.

any advice on how to handle this??

thanks for your help
ar bee

 

[RayinSF]

Hey ar bee,




Dont know if this will help or not, but I found that being as positive and "un-worried" about this sugery has made it easier to talk about with people. At, first, my wife and my parents were not sure how to react, but I think me being confident and postive about the upcoming surgery and outcome had made it alot easier for them to deal with it. My wife even suggested that my next tattoo be on my chest, and say "cut here". So she seems to be dealing with it all quite well.

~Ray

Aortic Stenosis
July 1st 2004
T- 104 and counting
UCSF
Dr. Scot Merrick

 

[SJJ]

Ar bee,
I agree with Ray, a calm informative session can go along way in reassuring her. Make sure she understands that the odds are overwhelmingly in your favor and that the surgery, though major, is also routine in most cases. She'll take her emotional lead from you. I needed about 3 weeks to educate myself enough to let go of my fears and just deal with a reasonable amount of lingering questions and concerns. She'll probably have to go through the same process so give her a little time.
Sue

 

[Abbanabba]

Hi ar bee,

What sort of support have you got outside your parents? If your mum is having to look after your dad, then it might help her to know that you've got other people out there who can help you out after surgery and ease her load. I also agree with what has been said so far: get as much information as you can. It's amazing how much easier things are to deal with when you take away the "unknown". Remember also that the surgery is not so much "life-threatening" as it is "life-saving".

Good luck!
Anna : )

 

[Birky]

MOM

MOM

My Mom was 84 when I had my surgery. She kind of drove all of us nuts with her worrying and not hearing very well. My kids brought her to the hospital and my daughter and her stayed over the night of surgery. She was to see me any time that she could get a ride. I was 60 miles away. We knew for over 20 years that the replacement might have to happen, but none of us were really prepared for it.

 

[hensylee]

I am one of the older here in VR and as a mom, I would WANT to know all about my child's illnesses and want my child to have the very best chances for full recovery from whatever the matter is. Sometimes we feel our children try to spare us and in so doing they don't spare us. We generally know something is not quite right and we are usually correct in this thinking - when you don't tell us.

Be matter of fact when you tell her - she will understand and she will take it well. She will worry, but that's what mothers do. God kinda gave us mothers that job. But she won't flip. Tell her, be honest, give her all the facts and she will sort them and put them where they belong in her priority list. I wish you well.

Remember, she loves you..........

 

[medtronic of borg]

mom

mom

I agree with hensylee!!

Med

 

[bvdr]

I live in N.C. and my mom lives in Michigan. I had a hard time telling my mom about my heart problems. I took a trip with the specific purpose to tell her a few weeks before my surgery. I am glad I did that and she was informed. Some of my family did not want her to know.........I guess you would have to know my mom to understand why .

She did very well with it. I was matter-of-fact about it and told her that I knew she would want to know what was happening.

 

[Georgia]

Moms are tough - and they resent being cut out of the loop. My mom will probably NEVER forgive me for not telling her about my cancer until I got the diagnosis.

We can't "not worry them"; they've lived through worse than our open-heart. In fact, most of them know a lot more people who've had ohs than we do - just as a function of their age. Most of these folks lived through WWII and the depression; and lost children in the days prior to antibiotics, etc.

This isn't to say that they won't drive you crazy; but that's the trade-off for being blessed by having them still alive.

Just tell her. She'll have stuff to share with her friends for months.

 

[bethanne]

I understand exactly. However, I decided to do the opposite than what I usually do. I called mom first before I told my sisters. It meant so much to her that I did tell her what was going on that she is handling it better than I would of thought.

I did make sure that I was feeling positive and upbeat about everything before I did call

There are only a few people that I have let see the panic side

 

[danielgilboa]

I've been MVP diagnosed for many years. My cardio was saying \i will need it replaced at some tome for several years now. About a month ago, after annual checkup it started rolling. The cardio sent me to a sergeon who wanted me to move ahead.

It was clear i had to break the news to my family, close friends and eventually workplace etc. I chose to tell people only after the decisions and process were clear to me, for me this was once \i had my date. Of course my wife was in it all along, but I felt there was no point in getting people worried with partial info. Once I had a date I can give them a full and "closed" story. I also felt better and more confident after that stage.

Hope i was of any help.

 

[Granbonny]

Hi Ar Bee

Hi Ar Bee

If you are age 39..I'm sure your Mother must still be a young woman..I'm age 63..and I feel young... My Mom died 5 months before my surgery. She would have been there with me..and we chose to tell my Father very little..as he was out of state...But, brother was with him during the day of surgery. First..get your information... then tell her all you have read from us..Say, Mom...all the people have had the same operation..and they are all doing well.Print our threads off and read them to her. Tell her..you will be in hospital for about 5-6 days and then home for about 5-6 weeks...Tell her to cook all your favorite foods for you to bring over. Are you married...if not..tell her you will need her to help with laundry, ect. I'm sure she can do that at home with your Dad... Tell her..how much better you will feel after this surgery. and if you want to start another thread before your surgery..we will post to her. and you can print it off. Bonnie