How do you tell young children you need surgery?

[marc_kowal]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the site and I'm glad I found it! I was born with a bicuspid aortic valve and will be having it replaced this spring. Most of my family has been told already, but my wife and I are trying to figure out the best way to tell our son about it. He's almost four and I don't want him to be scared about this, but he needs to know what's going to be happening. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.

~Marc

 

[bradvo]

Marc,
Tell him the truth and tell him your going to be fine. Let him know how long you will be in the hospital and that he can visit you, let him know that ya might look a little sore tho.
I'm not one for sugar coating , I'm sure better advice will be along. Just make sure he will know you will be fine and what healing time will be like, no heavy lifting and wrestling about for a while, hugs are required.
Brad

 

[Nancy jane]

Hi Marc. Welcome & as u will soon wee it's a wonderful site
Here's how we told grand kids. Not sure it'll help 4 yr old. But it could

We explained how a car has different parts & if one of the parts got broke we would bring it to the car hospial & get it fixed & fix it in the car hospital. Right ? Well One of my parts got broken & I'm going to the heart hospital to get it fixed. They really understood that quite well.

My grand kids are a little older but if yours likes cars your son should understand. Good luck to you. Nancy

 

[bradvo]

See Marc, I told ya better advice would be along :biggrin2:

 

[Nancy jane]

Ha ha ha. I like the his required hugs part - as part of the way to make it feel better i Kids hugs the tires I'm sure !

 

[Jason]

We have three boys, who were 7, 8, and 10 at the time we found out about my surgery. We told them straight out what was going on, and that I had been born with a defective part that was needing to be replaced. I can't say that they completely understood the magnitude of the surgery, but I can say that they all coped with it very well. I think the oldest understood that there was a risk that I might not make it through, but the others were at an age that I don't think they truly understand death yet. I am guessing the same for a 4 year old. I am not saying that this approach should be adopted by everyone, but for us it worked and worked well.

 

[KristyW]

Marc...my only caution is, don't tell them too soon. Kids have a way of worrying about things, so tell them closer to the surgery. I told my kids, 11, 8 & 5, once we had all the arrangements made. The car analogy is a great way to tell them. They seem to understand that.

 

[marc_kowal]

Thanks for all the advice. Kristy, I won't be telling him until after his 4th birthday in Feb. I told the doctors NO surgery is to happen until after his birthday, that way if something happens to me (which I am confident won't happen), at least he'll have that one last birthday with daddy.

 

[Mentu]

Marc, my four year old was aware that I was ill. When it came time for surgery, I explained that the doctor was going to fix me up by putting a new piece in my heart because the old one was not so good anymore. A couple days later, she asked, "How will the doctor get the new piece inside you?" I told her that he would make an incision but that I would be asleep and it would not hurt me. After the AVR, she wanted to see my chest. My incision was closed with a protien glue and had a clear tape over it so it appeared as thin red line. Still, she thought it was very impressive. She was more impressed by the coughing bear my hospital gave me. After coming home, she announced that "They must have done a good job because they gave you such a nice bear." The logic of four year olds is there own. I would encourage you to talk about what is happening in a general sense. Kids will sometimes ask for details and if so, you can tell them a little more but let them do it at their own pace. Mostly, you just need to reassure them that you are going to get fixed up. When you come home from the hospital, you can also enlist their asistance in helping you recover. You can then thank them for their kind asistance; four year olds love to be told that they have helped.

Larry

 

[sarahsunshine]

With my 2.5 year old, We talked about how her older brother had a really big Owie, and that she had to be very careful not to hurt him. Considering she had a big owie on her foot, she understood very well not to touch it, and that other people might not want their owies touched. Honestly, the 2.5 year old thought the hospital was the greatest place!

At four, he’s quite a bit older than 2.5, so he can understand a lot more.

The advice about not telling him too soon is good. This we did with Skyler, the one having surgery. We talked about what heart surgery involved so he would have time to answer any questions, but not when it was. It was basically an idea on the horizon. Then a couple weeks before the (original) surgery date, we told him about the day. That’s when the panic began! Perhaps since he's four, to tell him what's actually happening the day before, or a couple days before is all that's needed. "Tomorrow, daddy will be going to the hospital for a few sleeps. We'll go visit him as soon as we can."

So I guess I would say that Daddy is going to have an operation to fix a piece that wasn’t working right (like a bicycle, car, or lego thing). Then, let the child lead the discussion. It will likely begin with? “What’s broken?”, and may continue with “how is the doctor going to fix it?”

I wouldn’t get in too much scary detail, but focus on how fun it will be to explore the hospital, how he can “help” you by picking things up and getting you to do your exercise, etc… I can tell you that our 2.5year old was the only one who could get her brother to drink and eat after surgery. She would just sit on the bed with Skyler and hand him crackers and cookies and say “eat this”, and “drink this”. He’d listen to her.

 

[Greg a]

A heart felt WELCOME to our OHS family glad you found the site as most of the community are OHS brothers and sisters, there are many mommys and daddys so ask away, you will recieve many common sense answers there is a wealth of knowledge here for the future .....


Bob/tobagotwo has up dated a list of acronyms and short forms http://www.valvereplacement.org/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=8494&d=1276042314

what to ask pre surgery http://www.valvereplacement.org/for...68-Pre-surgery-consultation-list-of-questions

what to take with you to the hospital http://www.valvereplacement.org/forums/showthread.php?13283-what-to-take-to-the-hospital-a-checklist

Preparing the house for post surgical patients http://www.valvereplacement.org/for...Getting-Comfortable-Around-the-House&p=218802

These are from various forum stickies and there is plenty more to read as well


And Lynw recently added this PDF on what to expect post op
http://www.sts.org/documents/pdf/whattoexpect.pdf

 

[chaconne]

Marc,

I was very open with my 3 kids, ages 6, 4 and 1.5 at the time of surgery. I talked about it often and openly. It seemed to me that they weren't too worried about it as a result, and it seemed almost normal to them. When I was out in the hospital for 4 days, it might have seemed a little weird to them but they were well prepared. The bottom line with OHS is that you will most likely do fine. Now, the kids like looking at my scar and hearing the clicking valve. I think kids pick up on our moods, and if we are calm and matter of fact, they will be more at ease.

 

[Boston Tiger]

My kids were teenagers when I found out I had to go in. My son was a freshman in college, and off in his own world, as is the norm for kids that age. My daughter was taking her biology class, and they happened to be studying heart functions when I found out, so that made a perfect lead in for our discussion about what would happen.

If the kids had been younger, we'd have probably kept the explanation to the simple repair of a broken part theme that others have touched on.

 

[marc_kowal]

We told our 4 yr old about my upcoming surgery last night and he took it very well. He listened to what we said, and then he leaned into me, gave me a hug and said "Daddy, I'm going to miss you while you're in the hospital". That just about made me lose it. And I'm even more determined to get home as soon as I can to see him. 13 days and counting.

 

[Sarah_Louise]

Bless him!!
Thinking of you and your family,
Love Sarah xxxx

 

[SB42]

I just went through a similar situation, being 5 weeks post-op....I have two daughters (6 & 4) and a 17 mo. old son. I simply told my two daughters that daddy has a serious boo-boo that the doctors are going to fix for me and that it will require me to be in the hospital for a few days and that they would be able to come visit me. My surgery was on a Wed and I told them the Sun before. I did keep my girls out of Kindergarten and Preschool during my surgery day so they could be with my wife in case they had any anxieties/fears. I also met with their teachers in advance to help keep an extra eye out for behavioral changes - you just never know how they are going to react.

Keep it simple in terms that he can understand and respond to and only give him a couple/few days notice is my recommendation...positive & confident attitude will be helpful to reassure!

 

[Mom2izzy]

I have a 3.5 year old. We told her mommy has a leak in her heart and the doctor is going to fix it. She knows I will be in the hospital and that when I get home she's going to have to be careful of mommy because I'm going to have a big owie! She also knows that we are going to need her to be a big helper girl. We've been trying to get her doing more things by herself (like dressing herself and brushing her own teeth and climbing into her car seat by herself). I've also quit carrying her around...she holds my hand and walks with me. That way we hope it's not too big of a change for her. We bought her a little doctor outfit for the occasion. We are also going to build-a-bear for each other. Mine will have her recorded voice for me to hear when I'm recovering in the hospital and hers will have my voice. We had a little trial run when I couldn't pick her up after my cath...it was like practice.

 

[ElectLive]

We told our 4 yr old about my upcoming surgery last night and he took it very well. He listened to what we said, and then he leaned into me, gave me a hug and said "Daddy, I'm going to miss you while you're in the hospital". That just about made me lose it. And I'm even more determined to get home as soon as I can to see him. 13 days and counting.

When I was told I needed surgery, to be done in 4 weeks, my older daughter was 2 1/2 and my wife was 6 months pregnant with my younger daughter. I decided to tell my 2 1/2 year old a few days later, just prior to the cath, then didn't tell my wife until after the surgery. :wink2:

Seriously though, my 2 1/2 year old is 4 now, and I think kids that age and younger are lucky enough to handle the whole surgical ordeal much better than our spouses. I couldn't agree more with the post that said that our kids view of surgery will be a reflection of our own. I never showed any worry, and neither did my daughter. I know exactly what you mean about almost "losing it", though. For me, the emotional times were more unexpected, such as an unplanned request to read a story about special things a father and daughter do. I always hung in there, though, and didn't show any emotion until I was in another room.

Speaking of emotion, the pre-surgery goodbye is obviously another tough one. I did my best to assure my daughter that she was surrounded by others to help take care of her when I was not there, and that she could think about all of the fun stuff we always did together while I was away. My word choice was careful and purposeful, to assure that her ears were hearing only "while I'm at the hospital", no need to worry, but my words also meant something much deeper, just in case.

I tell you what, though, I walked into the hospital the next morning with a smile on my face, knowing I'd be just fine, as will you. Then, guess what, I was joking with my daughter in person that very night, after it was all over. She had been my designated "keep everyone happy" person during the surgery, even though she wasn't aware of it. I figured if my wife and family were busy enough taking care of her, they wouldn't have as much time to worry about me. She did her job to perfection.

Best wishes and be ready for many amazing post surgery moments with your son.

 

[Mom2izzy]

So...we've had the talk about mommy going to get fixed, etc. etc. Now the day is here...I will be saying goodbye to her tomorrow because she will be staying at home with my mother-in-law until I'm out of ICU. I have to leave tomorrow because the hospital is about 2 hours away and I have to be there at 5:30 am on Tuesday. I don't know how I'm going to get through that conversation...I pretty much tear up even thinking about leaving her even if it is only for few days!

 

[marc_kowal]

@Mom2izzy- Keep your spirits up and don't let her see you get upset, because she will probably react to that. That being said, I'm like you and get choked up about not seeing my boys for a few days. The quicker you heal, the quicker you'll get to see her again, use that as your motivation, I know I will.