How did you deal with anxiety and depression?

[NewbieSlo]

Newbie-I am sorry you are feeling so crappy. I am waiting for my OHS-AVR...39 days to go. I too have feelings similar to you, I am 42. I however am married with two kids and am not happy. Why the hell am I not happy? I am trying to figure that out. For my anxiety my cardiologist has given me xanax which I take at night before bed so I don't lay there listening to my heart and all of its hickups and burps which gives me panic attacks...ug. I also have a counseling appointment set for today to try and work out the happiness thing...I'll have to get back to you on that. I have started taking Yoga for the first time to get at least some exercise since I am forbidden to run anymore. Today will be my second class and I like it so far...I am with about 7 other women all close to my own age and even though we don't talk it is comforting to be around other women just doing our thing. It is recomended to get flexable before surgery and to build core strength....so Yoga it is. A friend has given me some books to read but I just can't get into them...I like to read lighter material to get out of my head a little. Keep me posted on how you are...I am here every day looking for inspiration.

Hi Blue Sue, I have read some of the post you wrote and I do agree with what some other members said - i would also not do any drastic decisions regarding your marriage now. You are going through difficult emotional times, so things might seem different ones operation is behind you. I will be think of you on November 4th - this is a great day, my moms birthday and I'm sure all will go well!

 

[NewbieSlo]

Newbie,

The strength of the people on this forum, the empathy they provide with their own life experiences...I hope it gives you some comfort.

I have a theory about the peaks and valleys that life throws at us. There is a high road and a low road. Of course all of us are going to spend some part of life on the low road. But we have to keep kicking, screaming, and working hard to get back to the high road. Easier said than done sometime, I know.

I am thinking about you Newbie . You too, Blue Sue and your upcoming surgery.

Hi mbeard,indeed, strength and wisdom of members of this site does provide comfort. It is a great site and I would feel so alone, had it not been for this site. Reading about all the success stories is comforting. Thank you for sending good thoughts.

 

[NewbieSlo]

Hi NewbieSlo,
I found out, quite accidently, a few months back that i had a bicuspid valve that needs replacement immidiately. I am 41, married with 2 kids, and had a pretty good life, with no health issues. It hit me hard and everything seemed to come crashing down. But as i started reading more, researching and understanding the process, i felt better and better. I had surgery 4 weeks back, and i am already walking 4-5 miles a day and looking forward to going back to my regular life in another month or so.
So yes, while its a serious thing, it doesnt mean your life is over. You will get through this and then move on with your life. I had moments of depression, and tears and all those things while waiting, but this site, and all the other information helped dispel those fears. By the time surgery week came, i was quite at peace, and optimistic. And that helped.
You are quite young, and will recover and bounce back in no time. These experiences make us stronger and not weaker.

Oh and One thought really helped me. I realized that i was totally spoiling my days pre surgery with all the negative thinking, rather than going out and having a blast. Whatever is coming, is coming, and no point dwelling on it everyday. I don;t want tomorrow's pain, Today......so i did enjoy my last few days wit friends and family and went in with a positive mind.


Good Luck

Hi PGARG, thank you for sharing your experience. I do agree completely, about the impact of negative thinking and dwelling on the situation everyday (or should I say every minute). I know the theory, just hope that I will be able to put it into practice soon.

 

[NewbieSlo]

I was hit pretty hard for some reason in my mid 20's when the murmer was first heard. I guess I had never felt like I wasn't 'perfect' before. I got over it with time.

Then last spring when I walked out of the Dr's office after the echo showed it was time for surgery. That was tough. I'm sure I was probably depressed and as it typical for me, I immersed myself in work and heart surgery research. My wife and I started arguing and fighting due to the stress of the upcoming surgery and due to her unresolved anger/disappointment from her breast cancer diagnosis/treatment a few years earlier. Pile on top of that our unhappiness with where we lived at the time, how far we felt we had to travel for a decent surgeon and it was awful. I ended up using the EAP at my job. The counselor wasn't great, but I think it helped some. I'm a typical male, sitting and talking about my feelings was like having a root canal. I also read a few books about preparing for surgery etc, as others have already suggested. Relaxation/meditation tapes/mp3s helped me a bit also.

One tidbit from a Steven Covey book that they gave us at work almost 20 years ago has always stuck with me. You chose how you respond to life's challenges.

Hi big_L, I do hope, that I will be able to get over the depression soon, like you, I got the news that OHS is something I must count with "in advance". I might go on for years before needing the surgery, and I must say, sometimes I wish I did not know of my situation before the surgery would be needed. I'm going to try to see a therapist, not sure how I will respond.

I'm glad to hear that surgery is behind you and I hope that you and your wife are doing better than last year.

I also agree that much depends on how we respond to challenge.

 

[NewbieSlo]

Happy Birthday on Monday and I hope you have fun in Italy to lift your spirits.

Thanks, Garagegym, for the nice wishes. The trip was nice, and I did manage to set aside worries for a couple of hours each day. My friends, with whom I went to Italy, kept me busy, and since I speak fluently Italian, I was the one organizing the whole thing, so I did not have much time to worry during the day. Coming back home meant coming back to reality, but it was nice to escape for a few days.

 

[NewbieSlo]

I am not coping very well, so I don't have any words of wisdom for you, just understanding. I have been in the waiting room for more than 6 years, watching my health decline, always fearful, always anxious. As surgery comes nearer, it's getting worse. The worst part is the uncertainty and waiting, and the loss of control over my most important organ : ) I am a mom in my late forties, so my responsibilities are overwhelming. Not quite the same situation as you. I have never tried depression meds but I think I should. Do whatever it takes coz you might be in this funk for a while : ) Hugs.

Napur, I do agree - waiting and uncertainty are the worst! that is why we need to deal with it, otherwise the worries start to condition our whole life. Being a mom, you also have a lot of responsibilities and I can imagine it adds a lot of stress, worries, "what ifs". I do hope that you find a way of coping with the whole situation till its your time to go other the knife. Try not to let this situation condition everything in your life.

 

[Agian]

Newbie, let me just say I think you're a real sweetie. It sounds like this heart thing has affected your self-esteem and you worry that your preoccupation with it will make you 'boring' to your friends.A lot of us are told we'll need an operation because of something we're born with. In your case, this might have been avoided, so I can see why you're angry.

Young women in this situation have a different set of problems to the fellas, but I'm more than happy to talk about menstruation if it will cheer you up. You're in good company and you'll do just fine.

 

[epstns]

If you meet with a therapist, try to remain open to all the avenues they may suggest. In addition to medication, they have behavioral modification tools that may teach you how to control your moods and may (for some) work better than meds. (I have a relative in the profession.)

 

[pellicle]

Hi Newbie

I think that this point you remake is an excellent place to say what I believe.

I said this elsewhere, but I will repeat here: If I had to endure half of what you had, I'd be in a nuthouse or cemetery.

reading your responces to everyone makes it clear to me that you have a lot of resilience. I feel that your previously stated position (of angst, frustration and many other emotions) is exactly a reaction ot your discovery.

Just like when a stone is thrown into a pond, ripples go everywhere. So when a 1 ton block is dropped in there it makes quite a splash. But like the pond I see that you are now finding a new equilibrium.

I hope this situation helps you to discover the resilience within yourself and that from this you can see that all problems can be solved by just applying yourself to them.

Bigger problems clearly take longer, and some are such that we change. But change can be for the good if you direct it so. Compared to who you were at 10 years of age you have changed much ... yet (paradoxically) your fundamental personality remains consistent throughout.

I feel you are well placed for not just a recovery, but for a growth.

(and like what does it matter what I think anyway ...)

How long ago did your wife died?

Just over two years ago .. my pond has not yet settled.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2013/07/is-it-that-they-leave-or-how-they-left.html

Don't give up on life, Pellicle! ... so we should not waist that gift.

that's a very kind sentiment, and thankyou. I am not "giving up" . Back in the early days after Anit was taken from me I felt driven to follow her, and being here without her felt unbearable ... but after much introspection I made some sort of decision. Perhaps this writing will help you (or someone else)

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2012/12/difficult-subjects.html

Best Wishes

 

[NewbieSlo]

I would like to thank once again to everyone who shared their experience, gave a word of encouragement. I try to limit my access online by not turning on computer every day (if not for work), so on most days I only access internet via smart phone, so I spend considerably less time online. The reason being, that I tend to overanalyze and that does not help me. For example, when I joined this site, I read every single post containing word rheumatic fever (well I read it more than once). Than I singled out members, who had undiagnosed rheumatic fever. I found out, that several of them faced big challenges, that went far beyond valve replacement, and included things like pulmonary hypertension, constrictive pericarditis and subsequently total pericardiectomy, atrial fibrillation, etc. The more I read, the more freaked out I became. After a while this "freaked out" state of mind turned to depression. So until I'm more emotionally stable, I will try to avoid "searching too much". After all, as PGARG said, I don't need tomorrow's pain today.

Newbie, let me just say I think you're a real sweetie. It sounds like this heart thing has affected your self-esteem and you worry that your preoccupation with it will make you 'boring' to your friends.A lot of us are told we'll need an operation because of something we're born with. In your case, this might have been avoided, so I can see why you're angry.

Young women in this situation have a different set of problems to the fellas, but I'm more than happy to talk about menstruation if it will cheer you up. You're in good company and you'll do just fine.

How sweet of you Agian, thank you for the nice words When I will need to vent, complain, screen, I will remember you of your words.... just saying, don't be surprised when I contact you ;;-)

 

[NewbieSlo]

If you meet with a therapist, try to remain open to all the avenues they may suggest. In addition to medication, they have behavioral modification tools that may teach you how to control your moods and may (for some) work better than meds. (I have a relative in the profession.)

I completely agree, that behavioral techniques are a must for me. I always avoided taking meds if not necessary/needed, but now I need them to be able to help myself (as dornole nicely put it).

 

[NewbieSlo]

Hi Newbie

reading your responces to everyone makes it clear to me that you have a lot of resilience. I feel that your previously stated position (of angst, frustration and many other emotions) is exactly a reaction ot your discovery.

Just like when a stone is thrown into a pond, ripples go everywhere. So when a 1 ton block is dropped in there it makes quite a splash. But like the pond I see that you are now finding a new equilibrium.

I hope this situation helps you to discover the resilience within yourself and that from this you can see that all problems can be solved by just applying yourself to them.

Bigger problems clearly take longer, and some are such that we change. But change can be for the good if you direct it so. Compared to who you were at 10 years of age you have changed much ... yet (paradoxically) your fundamental personality remains consistent throughout.

I feel you are well placed for not just a recovery, but for a growth.

(and like what does it matter what I think anyway ...)

Hi Chris, thank you for your kind words. You gave really nice example. I just hope that it doesn't continue pouring into my pond! I would need some calm time, so here's to hoping no major shocks happen to me in the near future. I do hope that this experience will not "destroy me" but be a starting point for growth, as you said. In order to grow I have to make peace with myself (so stop blaming myself: why did I not go to another doctor, did I not explain my symptoms correctly etc) and others (doctors for misdiagnosis me, close family and friends for not seeing how bad the situation really was). I believe that once I come to terms with this it will become easier for me.

And your opinion does matter to me and I'm happy that you take time to share it with me/us!

Just over two years ago .. my pond has not yet settled.

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2013/07...they-left.html


that's a very kind sentiment, and thankyou. I am not "giving up" . Back in the early days after Anit was taken from me I felt driven to follow her, and being here without her felt unbearable ... but after much introspection I made some sort of decision. Perhaps this writing will help you (or someone else)

http://cjeastwd.blogspot.com/2012/12...-subjects.html

Best Wishes

I agree, two years is sometimes not enough. Especially when we we are talking about the one pearson who meant the world to us, took care of us. I did start to read your blog, i noticed that you like photography. I think it is really important to have/find some passion that gives some meaning to life, new energy, shifts the focus, if only for a while. I just started taking some amateur photos again, I bought some new cook books (always focusing on the career and spending a couple of years on business travels, my cooking sure needs improvements

Thanks for the good wishes, I wish you all the best as well!

 

[pellicle]

Hi

I would not normally write so much here, but as you come back now and then to inspect the responces I thought it only proper to do so.

I see that you are both a rigorous and thorough researcher (which is a credit to your academic background). I see also that you see the value of self limiting on ones innate CDO nature (that would be OCD in alphabetic order, and perhaps in a form of a slavonic grammar) ..

you said:

I try to limit my access online ... I tend to overanalyze and that does not help me ... I read every single post containing word rheumatic fever ... I found out, that several of them faced big challenges, that went far beyond valve replacement, and included things like pulmonary hypertension, constrictive pericarditis and subsequently total pericardiectomy, atrial fibrillation, etc. The more I read, the more freaked out I became.

I think that you are the first person who has (or perhaps the first who has admitted to) undertaken serious data mining of this site (I assume with the assistance of Google).

To my mind this is one of the most significant outcomes of this site: that it provides a significant public resource of data so that a researcher can mine it for value.

Being one who has been involved in Universities for some decades (and one who believes in knowledge being free) I believe that this is one of the great advantages of the discussions here remaining persistent and searchable.


Your work reminds me of the character Louis Wu from the Ringworld novel (by Niven). He was also aware of the self discipline required to prevent ones compulsions (perhaps better phrased as one's intellectual autonomic functions) from overwhelming ones conscious mind.


That you observe:

After all, as PGARG said, I don't need tomorrow's pain today.

reinforces to me that your frame of reference is returning to a more stable one. Louis returned himself to mental health from a powerful (yet totally internal) addiction. To me, obsessive behaviour can be just such an addiction. It is what has driven most of the great minds of human history, and it is what has also cast many into a pit. Few understand this (some call it being driven).

In my role as a DBA I have been accused by stakeholders of being a bit OCD with respect to correctness of applications and security of the database. Often I reply "well, ok, you just point out which parts you don't mind going missing or being corrupted and I'll relent on those ... the finance guys shut up pretty quick right about then. I think being a bit OCD is a requirement of being a good DBA and a good analyist.

Anyway, getting back to my point, are you familiar with the concept of a gimble?

A basic 2 dimension gimble has been used in ships to keep the ships compass oriented flat no matter what happens to the ship.

I think that you are developing your internal mental gimble as an outcome of coping with this situation you are in.

You also mention:

that rheumatic fever can be misdiagnosed in a country of European Union in 2013. I think this simply should not have happened - I've been to more ... doctors you can think of. So that is why I feel I was cheated. I trusted we have a good health system, but now I simply don't have that trust anymore

With respect to this I would say that your concern about diagnoisis is understandable (and I've certainly been there myself with the failure to diagnose and suggesting that Anitas vomiting was "morning sickness" rather than being a brain tumor). However the diagnosis of things is not always straightforward and (rather like many mathematical puzzles) is more easilly seen in reverse than it is in the forward time scale.

One of my good friends is married to a pediatric sugeon. I was discussing with her my despair at the medical diagnosis (or lack thereof) with her. She sympathised with me but reminded me in her work (medical) it is often very difficult to distinguish the various symptoms and put together the ones which are related while correctly discounting those which are spurious or "noise" to the analysis.

Combined with the fact that the medical practitioner does not spend anywhere near as much time on your case as you do (they treat dozens per day by dint of the manner in which we run our medical systems) and thus can not really dedicate as much time / brain power to it as you can.

This is not really a detriment of our system so much as a reflection of the natural economies of things. Even the sick (such as ourselves) often don't recognise the brevity of a situation until it is self evident.

This is the nature of things and I urge you to stop kicking yourself about it.

Of course I recognise that one must kick ones self about this until one is ready to give up. But seeing that point is actually an indicator of progress.

My lovely wife used to say to me often : "Don't be so hard on yourself"

I am trying to learn that ... and I hope that one day you can learn it too.

 

[NewbieSlo]

Hi

I would not normally write so much here, but as you come back now and then to inspect the responces I thought it only proper to do so.

I see that you are both a rigorous and thorough researcher (which is a credit to your academic background). I see also that you see the value of self limiting on ones innate CDO nature (that would be OCD in alphabetic order, and perhaps in a form of a slavonic grammar) ..

you said:


I think that you are the first person who has (or perhaps the first who has admitted to) undertaken serious data mining of this site (I assume with the assistance of Google).

To my mind this is one of the most significant outcomes of this site: that it provides a significant public resource of data so that a researcher can mine it for value.

Being one who has been involved in Universities for some decades (and one who believes in knowledge being free) I believe that this is one of the great advantages of the discussions here remaining persistent and searchable.


Your work reminds me of the character Louis Wu from the Ringworld novel (by Niven). He was also aware of the self discipline required to prevent ones compulsions (perhaps better phrased as one's intellectual autonomic functions) from overwhelming ones conscious mind.


That you observe:



reinforces to me that your frame of reference is returning to a more stable one. Louis returned himself to mental health from a powerful (yet totally internal) addiction. To me, obsessive behaviour can be just such an addiction. It is what has driven most of the great minds of human history, and it is what has also cast many into a pit. Few understand this (some call it being driven).

True, I always have been a very thorough researcher. When I was preparing my master thesis my mentor was literally begging me to stop searching for references My mentor was a distinguished professor, who thought courses both in Slovenia and US and was very satisfied with my thesis, but I continued to go deeper. Finally she managed to convince me, that it is enough and that I should leave something for my PhD thesis (I did not pursue this path). I also don't have trouble admitting, that I do now first hand what obsessive-compulsive disorder is. I believe each of us has it to some degree (if not, you could not achieve great things) and it becomes more evident in certain situations, like dealing with loss, grief etc. But the same thing that drives you, can bury you as well. As Freddy Mercury sang: Too much love will kill you. It is a true art to be able to limit yourself.

Anyway, getting back to my point, are you familiar with the concept of a gimble?

A basic 2 dimension gimble has been used in ships to keep the ships compass oriented flat no matter what happens to the ship.

I think that you are developing your internal mental gimble as an outcome of coping with this situation you are in.

Interesting example, would have not think of it on my own.

With respect to this I would say that your concern about diagnoisis is understandable (and I've certainly been there myself with the failure to diagnose and suggesting that Anitas vomiting was "morning sickness" rather than being a brain tumor). However the diagnosis of things is not always straightforward and (rather like many mathematical puzzles) is more easilly seen in reverse than it is in the forward time scale.

One of my good friends is married to a pediatric sugeon. I was discussing with her my despair at the medical diagnosis (or lack thereof) with her. She sympathised with me but reminded me in her work (medical) it is often very difficult to distinguish the various symptoms and put together the ones which are related while correctly discounting those which are spurious or "noise" to the analysis.

Combined with the fact that the medical practitioner does not spend anywhere near as much time on your case as you do (they treat dozens per day by dint of the manner in which we run our medical systems) and thus can not really dedicate as much time / brain power to it as you can.

This is not really a detriment of our system so much as a reflection of the natural economies of things. Even the sick (such as ourselves) often don't recognise the brevity of a situation until it is self evident.

This is the nature of things and I urge you to stop kicking yourself about it.

Of course I recognise that one must kick ones self about this until one is ready to give up. But seeing that point is actually an indicator of progress.

My lovely wife used to say to me often : "Don't be so hard on yourself"

I am trying to learn that ... and I hope that one day you can learn it too.

Of course I do know the theory: that it is much easier to see things in reverse, that it is not possible to predict everything etc. But as you say, I will be kicking myself about this till I will be completely wasted and than, when I will be too much exhausted to fight I will accept it. That is how it usually works in my case I used to think that being a very passionate person is good and that people without passion are boring, but that too much passion and persistence is as lethal as apathy.

One of the reasons I'm so hard on myself is, that I have many doctors around me (meaning: my best friend is a doctor, I have two co-workers, who have doctors in their family, ect). Had I asked for help, they might be able to do something - send me to the best specialist, skip the long waiting lines, etc. But I had so much trust in doctors in general, that I thought - well, why bother my friends, if my GP and a couple of specialist that I visited did not discover anything, then it will pass and it can not be that serious. After I went to several doctors, my best friend also thought that it can't be anything terribly wrong and she basically suggested that I might have become hypochondriac. So there I was, suffering as hell, and listening, that all is ok. We have public health system only, and people here are used to use connections to skip waiting lines etc. And here I was, with all the possible connections one could wish for and ending like this..... I'm pretty sure, that had I asked for help my friends at the beginning of this ordeal, things could have ended differently. And no one would consider that I'm bothering them. Asking for help has been always difficult for me I guess, and boy, did I get a lesson. It is hard to swallow all this, but I'm getting so close to the point of exhaustion from this self-questioning, guilt, anger... that I feel that I'm almost there I'm sure this experience will not be my grave, but it has changed me for sure. Hope I will be able to accept the reality and still find pleasures in life /not become a bitter person, who detests the world and himself.

 

[tom in MO]

Per " I think this simply should not have happened". I have had that feeling. I was ill for many years and mis-diagnosed the whole time; I finally needed about 6" of my colon removed. It made me realize that the medical system is run by humans and we are imperfect. When I screw up at my job or just don't see the obvious, the consequences are not the same as for a doctor or nurse, but they are people too.

If you have any religous beliefs or pray, you may want to get more connected or reconnected. That helped me a lot. Particularly rote prayer, it is basically a relaxation and meditation therapy that can help with anxiety, sleeplessness and overall depression. For me, being catholic, I do the rosary, but in my head, counting with my fingers. I am having a real hard time at work, and doing this in the mornings as I go to work helps keep my mind from wandering...where it will go (old Beatles song.)

Another good thing is to get outside and walk when you get anxious. I used to volunteer in a mental hospital, and this is great therapy (for everyone.) The exercise, fresh air (even when cold) helps get your mind out of the dark places.

Finally, try relaxation therapy. You can learn this on your own or from a therapist. You basically lie still, tense and relax individual parts of your body while listening to calming music supplemented with guided imagery. I learned this and you can use the techniques (i.e. find your special place) in a variety of stressful places, such as while waiting in the doctor's office.

 

[bw00]

Hi! I am not sure if I understand you correctly, but from what I've been reading I think you're waiting on a heart surgery. I have recently had mine in April but did not experience any depression. I am a now 19-year old dutch girl and understand that you feel like you've been robbed of your life. When I went into my second surgery a week after my open heart surgery due to complications, I was thinking of my friends who I had just texted before and who went shopping for clothes to go out that night. I felt terrible. They went out, and I was laying there, waiting to have heart surgery.
BUT the great thing about open heart surgery is that it will pass! You get sick, feel bad, get surgery and then a few months later, you will be done! No years of severe sickness,because it can be treated! There's a bright light shining at the end of the tunnel . A light in the form of a (sort of) healthy heart! Don't feel guilty and lose your confidence. Life has its ups and downs and there is nothing you can do about it. Stop focusing on why and what if, and focus on acceptance and staying calm. Focus on how amazing it is that you're heart can be fixed, lucky you !
The waiting part I understand, I had to wait as well and I am also very impatient. It sucks, but there is nothing you can do about it. Also remember: It is okay not to feel okay. Sometimes you have to feel unhappy and let yourself feel the negative feelings.
Anyway, I hope times will get better for you! For me they did . I will send my positive vibes to you and keep you in my thoughts!

 

[dornole]

I love your "mental gimble" pellicle! I pinned it to my pinterest. I think that GIF is a great meditation prop to look at for balance and calm within disruption. I really appreciate what everyone has said here. It reminded me of this Mr. Rodgers quote (this is from author Tim Madigan who received this letter when suffering from depression - Mr Rodgers was a beloved children's TV host in the US):

"Your wounded heart is a very beautiful heart," Fred wrote to me once in the midst of the Furies. "In fact, it has probably allowed you to understand the hearts of all others who are 'wounded.' And whose isn't, in some way?
Read more at http://www.beliefnet.com/Inspiratio...aved-My-Marriage.aspx?p=3#D0qJliMei7c2EeEc.99

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences to help someone else with so much insight and caring. I have gotten a lot from it too.

 

[NewbieSlo]

Per " I think this simply should not have happened". I have had that feeling. I was ill for many years and mis-diagnosed the whole time; I finally needed about 6" of my colon removed. It made me realize that the medical system is run by humans and we are imperfect. When I screw up at my job or just don't see the obvious, the consequences are not the same as for a doctor or nurse, but they are people too.

If you have any religous beliefs or pray, you may want to get more connected or reconnected. That helped me a lot. Particularly rote prayer, it is basically a relaxation and meditation therapy that can help with anxiety, sleeplessness and overall depression. For me, being catholic, I do the rosary, but in my head, counting with my fingers. I am having a real hard time at work, and doing this in the mornings as I go to work helps keep my mind from wandering...where it will go (old Beatles song.)

Hi Tom, I'm sorry to hear what you have been through, I hope that you feel better now.

Of course I agree - doctors are human, they make mistakes. But in my family we never came across any mis-diagnosis and I simply considered doctors to be perfect, even though deep down I knew nobody is. I was brought up in a traditional catholic family, well I should say catholic community - out of 32 kids in my class, only 4 were not catholic - they were coming from agnostic families. Our brought up was thus very traditional and among the teachings were: you do not question authority of priests and doctors. They had almost devine status. Since I was always "all-in or all-out person", so very idealist and hated the word pragmatism, it should not come us a surprise that I lost belief in church and consequently God as presented in church. I simply did not agree with all the teachings of the church and stopped attending services when I was about 17 (I'm 35 now). BUT I do believe that religious beliefs can be very helpful and comforting - for the time being I just can't reconnect, but I do not exclude that that might happen in the future. Perhaps it is time for less idealistic view of the world and I will dump the "all-in or all-out" perspective. Likewise I'm getting more realistic view on the doctors - they are human, and if you know that something is not right you should insist and not assume that they do know all and thus know, that there is nothing seriously wrong.

Thanks for the suggestions. I also believe that spending time outside helps. Well not just spending time outside, everything that keeps you busy from driving yourself nuts helps

 

[NewbieSlo]

Hi! I am not sure if I understand you correctly, but from what I've been reading I think you're waiting on a heart surgery.

Hi, I will one day need the surgery. My depression comes from the shock (to get this news) and grief/anger (I was not born with valve malfunction, but I had so called rheumatic fever, that is an autoimmune inflammation that can follow untreated strep infection - thus if my strep or rheumatic fever would be treated properly, I would not need the surgery. But my rheumatic fever was misdiagnosed repeatedly, so I was not treated in time).

I have recently had mine in April but did not experience any depression. I am a now 19-year old dutch girl and understand that you feel like you've been robbed of your life. When I went into my second surgery a week after my open heart surgery due to complications, I was thinking of my friends who I had just texted before and who went shopping for clothes to go out that night. I felt terrible. They went out, and I was laying there, waiting to have heart surgery.
BUT the great thing about open heart surgery is that it will pass! You get sick, feel bad, get surgery and then a few months later, you will be done! No years of severe sickness,because it can be treated! There's a bright light shining at the end of the tunnel . A light in the form of a (sort of) healthy heart! Don't feel guilty and lose your confidence. Life has its ups and downs and there is nothing you can do about it. Stop focusing on why and what if, and focus on acceptance and staying calm. Focus on how amazing it is that you're heart can be fixed, lucky you !
The waiting part I understand, I had to wait as well and I am also very impatient. It sucks, but there is nothing you can do about it. Also remember: It is okay not to feel okay. Sometimes you have to feel unhappy and let yourself feel the negative feelings.
Anyway, I hope times will get better for you! For me they did . I will send my positive vibes to you and keep you in my thoughts!

Thank you for sending the positive vibes I do agree, we are lucky in a way - we have the condition, that can be treated and we live in countries were it can be treated. Not everyone has that luck. I just need some time, to come to terms with the whole situation, but hopefully I'm getting there. Also with the help of everyone who was kind enough to share his/her experience and help a complete stranger in need.

By the way, when I visited the Netherlands a couple of years ago, I returned home with over 200 tulip bulbs and 20-something amaryllis bulbs Had it not been for the EU, I might have encountered some nasty troubles on borders explaining, that they were not for sale

 

[NewbieSlo]

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences to help someone else with so much insight and caring.

I can only repeat what you said, dornole. Thank you, and everyone else, who shared their experience in this thread, much appreciated!