heart conditions, fear and falling in love

[della_anne]

This may be an unusual, strange, or stupid question..but maybe some of you have these same fears and I wonder if you do or maybe I am going though this alone.

Have you ever been afraid to fall in love with someone because of your heart condition? I think I am. If you fall in love with someone, they should unconditionally love you and accept you despite your health conditions. But for some reason, I have a hard time letting go and sharing my heart problems with someone else. I am a young adult and maybe I fear because I think that it will burden their life and the plans that they have for their life. Maybe I am afraid to lose someone because of my heart condition if I do fall in love. Thinking that once they understand how my heart condition affects me, they will not love me enough to accept my heart condition and all that comes with it.

There is also the whole pregnancy issue. The doctor has said that I can have children, but that it would be a high risk pregnancy and because I am on Coumadin, during any pregancy I would need to be on Lovanox. If I ever get serious with someone and get married, having children could be an issue. Will whoever I marry understand all this? How can someone understand all this if they have never been through what I have been through before? Maybe I am just worrying too much. Maybe its just as simple as you fall in love and that's that, everything else will work itself out because you love each other enough to get through all the obstacles.
I tend to think about things before acting on them. Maybe I'm thinking way too much.



Danielle

 

[CathyK.]

Can't really help you there. I was already in love and married when I found out about my condition. My husband is behind me one hundred percent in whatever comes up. My attitude would be if they can't deal with it now then you probably wouldn't get what you needed down the road from them, when it really counts. Go with you heart (in both ways!)

 

[Nancy]

Danielle-

None of us is guaranteed a perfect life. The most healthy of us could come down with something unexpected tomorrow. The difference is that you know about your health problem and are dealing with it.

If someone were to be put off by your health problem, then they aren't dealing with reality, and are not aware that even they could have a medical problem down the road.

That kind of person is not mature enough to have any relationship with anyone. If you find yourself in a relationship with a person like that and it doesn't work out, thank your lucky stars that you found out about it ahead of time.

The person you eventually will fall in love with will be in love with you, and will accept whatever will come along for BOTH of you.

It is a team we're talking about, helping each other with life's problems.

Life is tough, so you both will need to be up to the task.

 

[hensylee]

we have had this discussion a few times and the general opinion of all of us is exactly what Nancy said. Nancy is the mother of the site and she always thinks calmly, sensibly and thoroughly. Listen to what she says, put your fears in a box and seal the box. Then go and enjoy all of your life. Blessins....

 

[geebee]

Danielle,

I fell in love with Chris after I had 2 of my OHS. My heart history did not bother him at all. I talked about it before we got intimate because, obviously, the scars would have indicated something was up.

He went through my last OHS with me, slept in my room at the hospital, treated me like a queen.

I think love, while it may not conquer all, does override a lot of issues we worry too much about.

Just go on with your life and fall in love without fear. Everything else will fall into place.

 

[LUVMyBirman]

When you find the right person Danielle. You will know. They will be accepting of your condition.

None of us have a guarantee. Best thing is we are amongst the living. Most of us are very healthy and active without a foreseeable expiration.

Go enjoy your life. If you do decide to have children....I have the perfect doctor for you! He is one of the very best high risk guys in the country. We did talk about my valve and having a second baby. He said he could safely get me through. Just never got around to it.

Take care

 

[hpuehler]

Let go and let God! Praying about the right spouse is more productive than worrying about it! I used to worry alot also. Letting go and giving it all to God is extremely liberating. I trust God to see me through anything including love!

1Corinthians 13:4
Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.

Heather

 

[Magic8Ball]

As above, if you find the right person nothing else will matter.

I've known about my condition all my life but expected surgery in my 50's not my 30's so i'm in the middle of all of lifes big plans and we have just had to change everything, my wife is fine with this.

I think i kinda expected not to live as long as a 'normal' person (rightly or wrongly) and don't know if i subconsiously picked an older woman or if it was just pure chance but my wife is 4 1/2 years older than me. As there was a nightclub and a bottle of vodka involved i think it was pure chance

But life has its funny twists and turns and my wife now has a medical condition that could affect her lifespan so we are square i don't love her any less.

Joking aside, i really think you have to let go and just meet people, a life lived to the full is better than a life lived in a cave. Just because we have dodgy hearts doesnt mean we can't deal with heartbreak as well as the next person.

I empathise with you on the pregnancy thing, i'm a bloke and never had that consideration, but i know lots of perfectly healthy couples who choose not to have children for no medical reason whatsoever, in the end it's your choice and if your future partner does not respect that they are not the right person for you.

& don't worry about posting any question or query up, there are never any stupid questions, only stupid answers by us lot, hopefully mine does not fall into that category

 

[MarkG]

I had your same fears when I was younger but for slightly different reason. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 12. I never thought I would live to see 30. It wasn't until I was 32 that I finally decided I would make it and I can find someone who I would not be a burden to. So I lived 20 years, thinking I was doing someone a favor by not having a long-term relationship. Well needless to say, I didn't have to feel that way. However, I may not have met my wife if I had not had this attitude so it turned out great for me.

So my response to you like the others, you will find that person when they come into your life and they will love you for who you are. Don't have any regrets and allow yourself to fall in love.

Mark

 

[mtkayak]

It's not a stupid question. I use to hide the fact that I had a heart problem when I was younger but kids tend to be superficial with that kinda stuff, like you are different or something. In my adult life the people I associate myself with tend to do more mature. It's never bothered any of my girlfriends who knew it. In fact, I started dating this one girl shortly after my OHS. I didn't know if I should say something to her about it, after all we had just started dating even though we has known each other a year. In any case, I asked a friend of mine if I should tell her and her response was "Yes, I would want to know" So, indeed, I told the girl. Her response was amazing. She actually thanked me for telling her. In fact, she said it made her like me even more. So, it's not always a bad thing.

Chances are you know somebody who has health problems. I think we all know at least someone who has/had cancer.

The pregnancy thing would be a tough one though being a woman. I'm not sure how to deal with that one. I did second guess wanting to have kids because I didn't want to take a chance of my kid having the same problems I have. However, I think I'm learning to overcome that fear. First things first, I need a wife before I can have kids

My Pediartic Card always use to try and make me feel better by telling me I was a special person to have this situation. Only special people have this problem

 

[Meghan]

From a slightly different perspective - my husband is the patient with congenital heart disease. He was very open with me about it when we started dating; at that point everything heart-related was under control and you wouldn't know he'd had a coarctation repaired and mitral valve repaired unless you saw the scars. It took me awhile to catch on to the medical terms and get a sense of what surgeries he'd had when, but it was part of getting to know him and his perspective on life.

We had been dating for almost a year and a half when his cardiologist found his aortic aneuyrsm and we got into the surgery waiting room. Then I got to learn about hospital visits and 6-month checkups and midnight trips to the emergency room (once).

We're not ready to start our family yet but we'll look at the risks and alternatives when we are. Since I'm healthy as far as anyone knows, the risks are more related to genetics than anything else and are not as immediate as pregnancy with a mechanical valve, but we talked about it before we got married and we'll cross that bridge when we get closer to it.

I agree with the previous posts - when you find the right person you accept and commit to each other, health and all. Being able to lean on each othe r through this process has been a blessing.


- Meghan

 

[temp69]

not much to add, so much good advice. just let go and let love. anyone you meet will have issues...sometimes you find them out soon, sometimes later. i would say you don't need to share your ohs with anyone until you're really ready to be intimate. or perhaps a weeee bit sooner. i adored a woman who had ohs, didn't matter a bit to me. only found out recently she has a scar! so...go ahead and put your heart out there.

 

[marciemarine]

As a mother of two grown sons and a teenaged daughter, I can only agree with the good advice you've been given. I didn't develop my heart problems until I was 43 and had already had my children so I didn't have to worry about telling a boyfriend. However, I would be disappointed if any of my children looked down on a person with a health issue and refused to date the person if they would have otherwise. I hope I raised them better than that. I know that none of us comes with guarantees of perfect lifelong health and I never thought and less of my husband when he developed health prolems and I never thought negatively of any health problems that he had prior to our relationship and so far as I know, he hasn't felt any differently toward me because of mine. We support each other and I'm sure you'll find someone who loves you for yourself regardless of any health issues. Marcie

 

[Mb]

For better or for worse, in sickness and in health.......



Marybeth