Alone

[della_anne]

Hello,

This message really is not heart related...I have heat conditions, this is just another issues that I am trying get through. I am young , 28,I feel so alone, I am trying to get out more and meet more people, but its challenging because I am shy by nature and so it is harder for me to start conversations, keep them going and really get to know people. I feel like I need to be getting my self out there so that people can get to know me. I continue to try, but the lonliness is still there. I need to get to a point where I don't feel lonley anymore. Sometimes I think maybe I am not trying hard enough. I still live with my parents so that probably has something to do with it. I need to get out there and take social risks.

Its is so hard to get to a point where you can trust people and be able to call them your friend or boyfriend. I know trust takes time to build...but it seems like its taking too long. I need to get to a point where I can trust friends or a boyfriend. Its not that I don't have friends because I have a few, but they are not always available to hang out or talk to. I'm hurting inside and I know I need to change that, but not sure how to get to the point where I need to be. I go to church events, I belong to Toastmasters, a public speaking group, and go to other events. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I get over this shyness?

People have commented on how shy I am which makes me feel fustrated and depressed because I want to change that. Maybe its just something I have to have patience for, if I keep attending events and other interest groups, then in time maybe I can build that trust with people and be able to call those people my friends. I am just wondering if anyone out there has any suggestions or know of anything that has helped them overcme their shyness.


Thanks,

Danielle

 

[Ross]

Hon I wish I knew. You seem outgoing here and you have a whole family of friends here that will gladly talk with you whenever you wish. Granted we can't jump in the car, in most cases, and take you out for some fun, but you know what I mean.

The trust thing....I've been burned so many times that by nature, I trust no one now. I accept people for who they represent themselves to be and let time tell me if they are real and worth calling a friend. Many fail this test within 6 months time.

I don't have any easy answer for you. All you can do is keep plugging ahead and sooner or later, this feeling will dissolve.

 

[geebee]

Hi Danielle,

I know you are having a tough time and overcoming shyness is not a quick process but it can be done. I was very shy growing up and found that it was a real roadblock to my career so I had to do something or get stuck. I forced myself into social situations, making sure I had things to talk about, and just started going up to people and talking. The one way to get people to talk is to ask them questions as just about everyone wants to talk about themselves.

On personality tests, I still test as an introvert but many people do not see me as an introvert. I am much happier sitting home watching a movie than being out at a party but I resist staying home because I have to "stay in practice".

You might try to take some acting classes. Many local colleges have some type of drama department and offer some type of classes.

You may never fully get over being shy but you can force yourself to get out in society to enable control over your life. You may find out that it becomes more and more fun.

Trust is another issue but you have to just keep on trusting no matter how many times you are hurt or deceived. If you allow bad things to govern your actions, you will never have happiness.

 

[WayneGM]

We sound a lot alike. I've also a very shy person. You'd never know it from my postings on-line, but I am actually very quiet and have difficulty with "small talk" conversations in social situations with people I don't really know. I think it might be because I was brought up an only child so spent a lot of time on my own. My wife is the social butterfly so when we go to social events, she usually does all the talking. In fact, when we met she was the "aggressive" one.

I don't have many people I can really call "friends" either. I mostly have "acquintances" who I don't keep regular contact with. Don't get me wrong, I'm not anti-social or anything like that. I just have a hard time getting close to people. I don't know if it's necessarily a lack of trust as much as that I am just a very private person. I've been told I come across as aloof sometimes. It's not intentional, and people that do know me know that. I'm just plain shy.

In my work, I have to be an "extrovert" so try really hard at it. I have to make presentations in large meetings, and convince people about new ideas. I've been working for over 30 years and I'm still trying really hard at it. It just doesn't come naturally to me as it does with others I guess.

I wish I knew the answer and could tell you. Rest assured, you are not alone though. There are many just like you and me just waiting to meet others like you and me. I think you are doing the right thing by joining interest groups. At the very least if provides something in common to talk about. To be honest, I don't think I've ever opened up to people as much as I have in this forum. You are amongst "friends" here. Wishing you a lifetime of happiness.

 

[Debster]

Hi Danielle!
I can really relate to where you are coming from. As a kid, I was so shy I would run in my room and shut the door the minute people came over to our house. I was embarrassed even when someone spoke to me in a store-even just saying hello! I have worked very hard to overcome this-people who I know would never guess I still feel very shy on the inside. It is still hard for me to talk to people I don't know, especially in those small talk situations. Someone once told me they overcame their shyness by focusing outward on other people, instead of worrying how they appeared, etc. I have never forgotten that.
As for trust-well, people let people down every day. But if you stop trusting-then you will not be happy. I think Gina said it best-just keep on trusting and focus on the positive. Good luck and best wishes- Deb

 

[BDMc]

You Have The Skills

You Have The Skills

Danielle, Sorry you're having such a tough time, but glad you are posting about it. You are very articulate, and sensitive. These are great qualities to have when trying to relate to others. Try to focus on the shared situation, rather than your feelings. Perhaps working in a volunteer group of some sort would help. I don't know if you are doing that at/through your church, but that's one avenue. If you have shared tasks to focus on, it can help take your mind off your own insecurities. Don't be so hard on yourself! Like others here, I think you have a lot to contribute! If Toast Masters and church aren't fulfilling your needs look somewhere else. Follow your interests and passions. Try not to have expectations of others, and just see what develops. People should earn your trust, respect, and friendship, but you have to create/participate in situations where this can happen. Remember to try to focus on what's going on in the situation, rather than what you are feeling. I think you are on the right track, so don't give up! Brian

 

[Christina]

Danielle,

My suggestion for you for now is that you adopt a couple of male kittens. They take care of themselves when you are at work so little or nothing to do for you. Just the litter boxes to clean and giving them food and clean water every day. Dogs are another story. They can be a lot of trouble.
Male cats are wonderful and they are such company. Female cats tend not to be as affectionate though. Cats will love you unconditionally and when you come home from work you have something to take care of and they love to snuggle. Remember to have them fixed though so you won't have a bunch of unwanted kittens to deal with. I have had cats all my adult and married life and even with a husband I wouldv'e been lonely without my cats.
Another suggestion for finding a life companion. Look into eharmony.com. Eharmony costs $40.00 a month and they'll match your personality up with someone. Many people have been very successful in finding a mate.
I also think it is high time that you move out of your parents house, get your own apartment and become an independent woman. What attracts a real man (not just a male) is a real woman who lives on her own and not with her parents at age 28. That could be a be a real turn off.
And you can be alone Danielle, but you don't have to be lonely. There are so many things you can do. If you are bored, go volunteer somewhere, go to the gym for better health or help others in need. When you do that you'll forget about your own problems. These are also places where you will meet new people who can become your friends. You have to learn to be outgoing though because when you want friends, you have to be a friend first yourself. Instead of moping around the house and lamenting how lonely you are, go out there and be a friend to some other lonely person.

Wishing you the best.

 

[Guest]

I feel so alone

Believe it or not ... I know EXACTLY what you mean and how you feel....

I still live with my parents so that probably has something to do with it.

I would say no. I still live with my parents, too. And, I'm not shy anymore .... he he. And, yes, I once was ... oh my goodness was I ever .

Its not that I don't have friends because I have a few, but they are not always available to hang out or talk to.

*nods*

Same for me. Most of my friends around here (actually, probably all of 'em) have families and/or significant others that really don't require an "odd wheel". So ... I tend to get "left behind". Not on purpose ... just as it usually happens.

*shrugs*

And, yes, that bothers me ... even more so when I realize how many friends I have across the country and world ... through all of my groups/boards/etc. Too bad I can't road trip all the time ... I'd be one happy camper ... in more ways than one .

I am just wondering if anyone out there has any suggestions or know of anything that has helped them overcme their shyness.

Sounds like you are doing it ... put yourself out there ... and see what happens....



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"We all do the best we can" ... Blain Larson ... 'How Do You Get That Lonely?'

 

[Gnusgal]

Can I chime in on the "me too"s? I'm a very shy person, which people often seem surprised to learn, since I was a Theatre Arts teacher for 5 years before becoming a librarian. (Now, as a librarian it isn't as much of a surprise as with the Theatre teaching.) The thing about Theatre, for me, was that I didn't have to be ME in front of people, I could pretend I was someone else. Someone with more confidence. And that's what I pull from when I need to overcome my shyness. I go into "actor" mode and push through. It takes a lot of energy, but eventually I get to where I can be more natural with people.

I've also noticed that if I sit back and wait for someone to invite me out, I'll be waiting a VERY long time. For example, when I go to conferences or inservice workshops with my fellow librarians or teachers, I speak up and ask if I can join people for lunch or whatever. Usually people have no problem with it and it makes me feel less lonely. Yes, I wish I didn't have to ask, but I've found that over time I have to ask less and it's a little more expected, rather than an actual asking (does that make sense?).

I have very few friends, and those I do have I don't see very often. It gets me down sometimes, but then I turn to VR or some of my other online groups and I feel like I am not so alone. I'm always more able to express myself in writing, because I have more time to think out what I want to say (and you don't see people if they look at you funny ). I've actually made quite a few friends online that I tend to turn to more often than my face-to-face friends. I think you must be like that as well (and probably most of us on here, since this seems to be where we spend most of our time ). Perhaps eHarmony or something of that nature is the way to go for you. And just so you know, my dad met his wife through match.com, and my college roommate met her husband through eHarmony, so apparently it works!

Good luck to you. Just remember, being shy isn't necissarilly a bad thing unless you think it is. Use your interests and natural personality. Don't pretend to be something you're not just because you think it's the only way to make friends. Obviously that's not true, as you are yourself with us and we all like you very much!

 

[sue943]

I am also a member of the loners' club, I rarely go out other than to shop for food, most days I speak to no one at all, even on the telephone. A few weeks ago I decided to try to do something about it and have volunteered to work a few hours each week for a charity. I have also enrolled in a photography class for September.

It is quite an effort to try to make new friends and to be honest I don't think I am the sort of person many people want as a friend, I come across as aloof but it is because I feel awkward.

Good luck and I hope you feel better about yourself and situation soon.

 

[Marguerite53]

Hi Danielle.

I do like the kitten idea!

Here's another idea. Do you do any volunteer work? Everyone is different, of course. For me, nothing brightens my day like a child. Oh my....seeing the world through a child's eyes......nothing is more magical. There isn't an elementary school in this country who couldn't use you to come and read books, help with recess, work one on one with math problems....you name it. Children will adore you. They don't have judgement issues. If you smile and care....they'll adore you. You will be special!! Maybe that is the kind of boost you could use. If it isn't children, then maybe animals? Humane society?

Just some thoughts!

Good luck. Keep in touch with us. You have friends here.

Marguerite

 

[KAJ]

Danielle,

Ditto with Marguerite's and Chirstina's suggestions about volunteer work. There are many organizations that need volunteers. I am sure there are orgnizations that can use your skills and talents. You may have to do some research to find a good fit. Some organizations are willing to provide the necessary training. Who knows, maybe you will learn some new skills as a result of the training.

Long before makeovers became popular, I changed my appearance. When I was in my early twenties, I wore very thick glasses. A friend suggested I try contacts. In the past, I always stated I would never put anything into my eyes. I then decided I had nothing to loose. I have now been wearing contacts since that time. It made a world of difference for me. A couple of years later, another friend nearly dragged me to a hair stlylist. That too was a dramatic change. I will forever be indebted to those two friends who were willing to take a risk for suggesting the changes. These two changes alone did a great deal in improving my self confidence. When I became more self confident,people started feeling more comfortable around me.



Karl

 

[weekycat]

Hmmm....

Hmmm....

Hi Danielle,
I haven't met you before, but then I don't come around here all that often anymore. I just wanted to let you know that as I read your post, you reminded me a lot of Cort, (knightfan). I actually have met him in person, and he's a great guy. As I scrolled down through the thread, I saw that he posted on it too....

Perhaps it has already occured to the two of you, but I think you guys ought to meet up. You're both in the same area, right??? It might just be the matchmaker in me...but I think you two kids could at least be good friends to each other. How about it? Trust me Danielle, I used to be extremely shy too...and most people that meet me now would never guess that.

Good luck, Jeannie

 

[temp69]

singles mixer

singles mixer

ok, sounds dumb, but my wife just packed up and split two months ago, out of the blue, left me numb and raining tears. but i decided i would just be open to meeting new women and have had four dates. not all of them worked out, but the point is, don't be shy, just let it out, baby. i went to a singles mixer, felt like a dork, approached a couple of women, said "well, isn't this awkward," and they laughed and we talked and had dinner.

i've gone out with both of them and am quite fond of one of them already.

and as you can see by my "avatar," i'm not brad pitt. more george clooney.
Ha!

good luck! be bold!

 

[MaryC]

Just remember, being shy isn't necissarilly a bad thing unless you think it is. Use your interests and natural personality. Don't pretend to be something you're not just because you think it's the only way to make friends.

I was always reserved (I don't use the word shy anymore! ) through high school. Once I got into college I guess I learned how to work with it - I am still an introvert because that's who I am. For some reason, it seems there is an expectation that everyone be an extravert. Can you imagine what THAT would be like? Actually, and I am sure you have already heard this because so many companies do various personality tests it gets old, but the difference between an extravert and an introvert is an introvert gets their energy internally (being alone, meditation, etc) and an extravert gets their energy from external sources. It's a personality type - not a bad thing. You may need to push yourself to make the friends who will be included in your close circle, but that's all you need is your small circle of friends and continue making contacts through them.

 

[Karlynn]

Della Anne - first of all you get a big cheer for making the effort to change what you feel you need to change and for reaching out when you feel you need to reach out.

You mentioned that you go to church - which leads me to a few suggestions. What size is the church. Many of the larger churches in the Chicago area have fairly thriving Single Adult groups. If your church doesn't have such activities, look into one that does. It doesn't mean that you have to join another church or switch church homes, it just is in addition to what you are already doing. A good friend of mine got a triple whammy 2 years ago - he lost his job, got stage 3 colon cancer and found out his wife had been cheating on him for 3 years - well a quadruple whamm I guess - he also got a divorce. He started going to a group for divorced people at Willow Creek and has now an established group of friends that he hangs out with from time to time that have similar interests with him.


(Disclaimer here for people who are uncomfortable with faith talk....)

Remember that you are always worthy and always beautiful and worthy to be loved in God's eyes. There is not one second where He doesn't see great worth in you. There have been times when my self-esteem has been a bit beaten down and I just kept repeating to myself - "I'm worthy and wonderful to the only One who truly matters."

I'm reading a great book right now that was recommended to me by someone who has become a mentor to me in my church work and subsequently in my faith. It's called "Ruthless Trust" by Brennan Manning. I think you would find some things that really speak to you.

And to Marcia's suggestion on Cort. I know you've met a few times at our Chicago gatherings. And I'm not trying to spark anything romantic. But you are the same age, have similar life-circumstances. Maybe there's a friendship there that you both could derive some happiness in pursuing - no matter how casual.

 

[Dennis S]

Hi Danielle. I doubt that we would ever meet, but you sound like a great friend to me. I sure hope you meet the right person for you.

I think our society (as opposed to many other cultures) makes a lot of unfavorable assumptions about adults who live with their parents. These assumptions aren't fair, and it is too bad life is like that. But since it seems to be that way--I do think it might be a good idea to get your own place, if you think you can make it work. I feel like I know a lot about you just from reading your post--but most people's first impressions will be based on what they see or hear. I think staying at home may be holding you back---but that is just one guy's opinion.