Wife Scheduled For Surgery, I'm Scared

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D

Dan H

Hi All,

This is my first visit to this site. I guess I'm looking for a little support as I'm nervous and anxious about my wife's upcoming procedure.

My wife is scheduled for Mitral Valve Repair on Oct. 3, just one week from today. In some ways I'm glad it is almost here just to get this over with. But I can't keep from thinking about the risks and basically, if anything were to happen to her. At times I'm overcome with anxiety / grief.

Overall, she is in good physical shape with no complicating factors like coronary artery disease. I believe this should help lower the risk a little. And the procedure is being done at Columbia Presbyterian in New York so they have had a lot of experience with valve repair surgery. Still, I can't get the risk issue out of my head.

I'm trying to be strong for her, to keep her from being upset. But silently, this is taking a toll on me.

Any advise? Words of encouragement?

Thanks,
Dan H
 
Welcome Dan,

First, Heart Surgery has evolved into a highly refined art with Fantastic Success Rates (98%) for First Time surgeries under age 60. That is WAY better than what would happen without the surgery.

Just about everybody on this website represents a SURVIVOR or family member of a Survivor. If we can do it, so can your wife. She will be fine.

On the "just in case" side, she may want to think about a Second Choice (valve type) in case the repair is not successful.

I recommend that you browse through the various forums, especially the Pre-Surgery Forum, Post-Surgery Forum, Valve Selection Forum, and Anti-coagulation Forum (needed for mechanical valves) along with AL Lodwick's very informative site www.warfarinfo.com which explains everything you need to know about living with Coumadin / Warfarin.

It's a lot of reading, but you will soon find that you and your wife are NOT alone in this matter and that the vast majority of us are much better than we were before surgery.

Please feel free to ask any specific questions that may arise as you learn more about this experience.

'AL Capshaw'
 
Hi Dan

Hi Dan

I just want to add my encouragement. Your wife is lucky to have such support in you. I think that educating yourself as much as possible will not only make you feel better, but help you to be the best advocate for your wife. There is so much information to learn, however, this information will help ease your fears, and help you and your wife understand the condition and procedures that you are both going through.

Best of luck to you both!! Stay in touch here - best support team ever!!!!!
 
Dan, first of all know that if you didn't feel a little anxious about Lisa's upcoming valve repair then you wouldn't be human. That being said, I think one of the best things to do in the next week are the things you have under your control such as preparations for her hospital stay and for her first couple of weeks at home. Clear your calendar, stock up on some necessities (toilet paper, coffee), and prepare a comfortable environment for her return home. Many post-op valve patients feel more comfortable sleeping in a recliner the first several days although that isn't always the case. She needs to be able to get in and out of her chair and bed without putting stress on her arms and shoulders. She will have a low weight lifting limitation (I was restricted to 5 lbs for the first week at home) so no gallon jugs of milk in the frig. By taking care of some of these real practical tasks you might reduce the focus on what is not under your control. I think anytime someone is under-going very serious surgery a time of spiritual examination is in order. Praying is important and then trusting that the surgeon will do what he is well-trained to do and that God will be there watching over Lisa.

Welcome to this board. You are among people here who do understand what you are going through. Others will soon be along and offer help.
 
Welcome to VR, Dan. This is the comfort place we all need before surgery, and after. All of us might not have answers, but we have support and words of encouragement. Naturally you are apprehensive and rightly so - we all have been there. This apprehension is what brings most of us to this site. We will stand by you all the way through. If she computes, ask her if she'd like to join us, too. We'll be your sounding board for whatever comes along and someone's always home.
 
Here we are a family of people who've had successful valve repairs and replacements, or the supportive SO's of those who have. Life will be great post-October 3!

Can you tell us a little about your wife? Her age? When she had her valve issue diagnosed?
 
Welcome Dan,

I think it is easier being the patient since we get to sleep through the surgery and then get great drugs after.;) :D ;)

Seriously, tho, your wife is going to a wonderful hospital. I used to see a doctor at CP and it is a quality facility with care that is above reproach.

Since she is in good shape going in, recovery will be much easier. Although these surgeries are major surgeries and do carry some risk, they are so routine that the risks are minimal.

The important thing is to communicate your feelings and let her communicate hers. Being strong is great but being open is better. Let her know you are scared and love her.

Let us know how we can help.
 
Hey Dan and Welcome! We're glad you found us. It's certainly normal for you to feel scared. I, for one, am glad I was the patient and not the SO. I think you will feel better and less afraid when you read the posts on our site and learn something about what will happen concerning your wife's procedure. I've always found that not being familiar with something makes it seem so much worse. So I believe that the more you learn, the less scared you will be. You'll find that we are willing to share our experiences and will just listen when you want us to do that. Everyone on this site is so encouraging and we really are one big family. I had a mitral valve repair and a replacement. My repair was in 1974 and my replacement was in 1981. I'm really doing great and life is better after surgery. Heart surgery has come a long way since I had my first one. It really is a miracle, the things that are being done. We look forward to getting to know you and your wife, and remember that we're here for you. LINDA
 
Hi Dan
I also had my mitral valve repaired at NY Presbyterian last year. My surgeon was Dr. Krieger. Is he your wife's surgeon?
Is probably that during the first few weeks she'll be tired and will need a lot of rest. As someone metioned before, a good recliner is really very helpful as you don't what her to be in bed for long period of times. I also recommend to make a lot of meals ahead and freeze them to make life easier. You'll find a lot of help at this site. It is natural to be concern, but it is not as bad as we think it is. Everything will be OK
 
Egbok

Egbok

The main thing to remember is, everything is going to be fine. She will be fine, and so will you. Your job now is to be strong and supportive and give her love. These cats really know what they're doing, so the success rate is phenomenal.

Hang in there and just breathe deeply and hold your wife and tell her you love her.:D
 
Dan,

Welcome. Sorry you're here but Glad you found us!

Speaking as the "patient", I think some times it is hard for my wife to understand the maelstrom of emotions that I experience. Sometimes I'm confident, sometimes I'm freaked, sometimes I'm in disbelief, sometimes I'm resigned, sometimes I'm stressed, sometimes I'm sad, sometimes I'm happy (at least they found it and it can be "fixed"), sometimes I'm angry, sometimes I'm peaceful, sometimes I'm resolute, sometimes I'm analytical, sometimes I'm afraid....

What do I want my wife to feel - just as confusing to me? Sometimes I want her to be confident, sometimes I want her to be concerned, sometimes I want her to be compassionate, sometimes I want her to be consoling, sometimes I want her to empathize, sometimes I want her to sympathize. Often I want her to listen, to try and understand the hours of research I've done and the ambiguities of the decision ahead of me. I don't want her to come to an "obvious" decision because to me there isn't an obvious choice otherwise I wouldn't have struggled with the choice so much.

So I don't have concrete answers for you. It depends on her but I bet sometimes she wants to know that you are a little freaked, sometimes she wants to know that you can't bear to think of life without her so that isn't even a possibility, sometimes she wants you to be reassuring.

Your challenge (as always - especially as the stereotypically less intuitive male) is to know what she want when. In reality though, it doesn't matter. I think feeling your feelings and letting her know your fears, as well as you confidence will strengthen her and encourage her more than always "Putting on a Brave face". I think these trials in life are tremendous opportunities to draw closer to our spouses and build an intimacy that can only come through trial and perseverance.

Great surgeons and great hospitals usually make for good results so reason says "not much reason to be afraid" emotion says "I'm scared sh*tless". There is room for both.

I say be open and honest with your feelings and fears as well as talking through the rational side.

Good luck,
David
 
Welcome Dan,
As the patient, I can't imagine what you are going through but I do know that you are headed in the right direction.....you are searching for information about her illness! And boy have you came to the right spot!

My hubby is a 'strong silent' type and No, I don't want him as freaked out as I am but it's good to let her know how you are feeling. I, today, just found a Dr to do my surgery (I'm a bit complicated) and my hubby had been silent up until our 4 hour ride home today and he finally let me know how frustrated he had been about my condition and difficulty finding a Dr. It helped me knowing that he had been listening but didn't want to add to my stress by showing how upset he had been too. Once things were out in the open, it helped us both, so just let her know how you feel and the people here will help support you when you are feeling a bit down.

Just remember she is in good hands and with you behind her, she'll be fine and the more you both know, the better you'll handle things ahead. Good luck & God Bless you both!
 
Sheila glad to see your experience at Emory worked out for you, I hope all goes well and soon you can join us on this side of the mountain!
 
Hi Dan,

I had a mitral valve repair done as the "patient" about 7 months ago. The surgery and hospital stay was not nearly as bad as my wife or I feared (except the food....it was just as terrible as I expected! About as bland as you can get!). In fact, my wife was quite surprised at how quickly I was up and around between the day of surgery and my release from hospital a week later, not that I was ready to do cartwheels or anything like that. :D

During my recovery, my wife has been my "pacemaker". She keeps me in check when I'm about to over do it as I tend to get impatient with "taking it easy". We certainly had bumps in the road during recovery, but the doctors and nurses were outstanding and I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the quality of care, their empathy, and their knowledge. In fact, it was quite enlightening to see just how "routine" OHS seems to be to these professionals. I take comfort in that.

Go to this website as there are some booklets and downloadable videos that I thought very helpful as we prepared outselves for my surgery.

http://www.uhn.ca/programs/cardiovascular_surgery/cv_pt_info.asp

Good luck
 
Wife Scheduled For Surgery, I'm Scared

All,

Thanks very much for all of your responses and the time you took to write back. It is encouraging to hear back from so many of you who have been through this or are facing it in the near future.

Contrary to what I included in my first posting, I haven't totally been putting on a strong face for the last few weeks. Lisa and I have had a few emotional discussions (one more of a breakdown) about the operation. She knows that she has my 100% support and love along with a lot of help from family and friends during here stay at the hospital. Her biggest concern is our kids who at 15 and 11 have a lot of school activities, sport and homework. Being an involved and loving mother, she is the one who does all of the scheduling and basically all the running around to get them from place to place. For the week she will be away, we have made plans with other parents to help out but I know she is worried about it. I do a lot of cooking, so preparing some meals ahead of time are already in progress.

Thanks for other suggestions about things like the recliner and other things for her return home.

Some additional info....Lisa is 46 years old. She was diagnosed in June 2006 with moderate to severe leakage. We saw three cardiologists. Two recommended surgery to repair / replace the valve. The other one said we could wait a while and see how it progresses. Basically, Lisa is asymptomatic with the exception of being more tired than usual. So this procedure is considered elective, I guess. We are told that the thinking now is to try to address the valve repair before symptoms do appear. That was really the basis for our decision to go with the surgery. Last week, Lisa had an angiogram and it showed no arterial blockages, no change in heart size and good blood flow through the lungs. The surgeon is Dr. Craig Smith at Columbia Presbyterian. He seemed think that there was a high probability that a repair could be performed. If replacement is necessary, Lisa decided to go with the tissue valve to reduce the need for permanent blood thinners. The downside here is the possibility of having to replace the valve again in 10-15 years. Hopefully, the repair can be made. Dr. Smith told us he plans to perform the surgery using minimally invasive techniques if possible. Lisa's small frame and weight seem to make her a good candidate for it.

Thanks again for your feedback. Your words of encouragement and experience here are reassuring.

Dan
 
Dan, If the surgeon is able to do the surgery through a more minimally invasive approach Lisa could well be driving within a couple of weeks. I had my mitral valve replaced with a St. Jude mechanical valve and I had clearance to drive within a week to ten days. As soon as my lifting restriction was removed and I was no longer on any pain meds I was free to drive. For some time through I had to keep a soft pillow across my chest and under the chest restraint since it was very sensitive and uncomfortable for quite some time. Oh, tell Lisa too that she may want to plan on camisoles or something similar rather than traditional bras for at least a few weeks.
 
hi dan,
welcome to this wonderful site. my husband, joey, is the patient here and so i can relate to how you must be feeling. (my dad is also a valver).

the only thing i can add is that our kids were 17 and 14 at the time of joey's surgery, both just in h.s. i made a point of talking to the guidance counselor and having him tell the teachers so that they'd be more prepared. i wanted our kids to have the freedom to 1) not go to school and come to the hospital with me (or relatives), 2) not complete their homework because they might be visiting the hospital, 3) maybe not have their "total minds" on their work in and out of class...
it helped a lot.

lisa is in great hands. in fact, i think jason had dr. smith as his surgeon. he's very reputable, in fact, joey's cardio recommended him for joey's surgery 5 years ago.

the hardest part is the waiting and lack of control, but you have to try to trust.
please try to relax, enjoy your time as a family and prep (as you are already doing) for the big homecoming.
i look forward to hearing more about how you are doing and how things go.
be well,
sylvia
 
Getting her valve fixed BEFORE any permanent damage is done to her heart is EXACTLY the RIGHT thing to do.

I believe I got to surgery 'just in time' and my recovery had some complications and was longer than most. I'm a firm believer that "SOONER IS BETTER".

'AL Capshaw'
 
Welcome, Dan. I think you've had about all the warnings you needs about how difficult a post-op ohs patient can be. Her memory may be shot for a while, and her emotions will likely be out of control occasionally. You probably won't want to mention that to her. :eek:

You may have trouble with your kids as well. My girls were 14 and 16 when I had cancer; they said very little but were terrified. We had real problems with one of them acting out for several months. There more they're involved in the whole thing the better they'll do. I strongly suggest that they each have responsibilities around the house during your wife's recuperation - she won't be able to vacuum or do laundry. She'll need someone to accompany her on walks for the first couple of weeks. Have the kids put together "sounds" for her to listen to on an ipod or mp3 player after surgery. They can go to the video store & choose movies.

Best of luck next week. Please take her shopping and out to eat and do fun stuff over the weekend; it'll help take her (and your) mind off this.
 
Welcome to the site, Dan. I put your wife on the calendar for Oct. 3rd. I know how hard it is to be the mate, not the patient. A repair is good and she is going to a great hospital so all should be fine as you have already been reassured. Sending you our best wishes and I hope you will post once she is out of recovery. Godspeed.
 
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