swings

[tlhudson]

Hi to all our family out there...this is Chris E. and I'm writing concerning Ter. He is doing sooooo good with rehab and all
but his temperment is so damn short...not like Ter...his fuse is
so short that I don't know what to do. Seems that no matter
what I say, pardon my language, but it pisses him off. I want to
listen to Christmast music and he just wants to lay in the lazy
boy and watch his movies. Am I missing something here ? I'm
trying so hard with the holiday's being here to be supportive, but I'm pretty much at my wit's end. Any advice ?
God know's I love you all even tho I don't know you...you all have
been so much support ! Thank you and you all have a very happy
holiday ok

 

[Ross]

I would imagine that the holidays, coupled with his anxieties, are what the problem is. Maybe I'm wrong? Have you discussed any of this with his Doctor? It may be time for you to bring him to a rude awakening. I don't want to tell you to do that without consulting his doctor, but it seems he may be stuck in a half or more depressed state. I wish I had all the answers, but when I got like that with my wife, she pretty much put me in my place and really made me get my head together.

I really don't know what more to say then check with his Doctor.
Sorry I'm not a lot of help here.

 

[Nancy]

Hi Chris-

I'm looking at the date of Ter's surgery, he's so new out of surgery. November 11, really isn't that long ago. It's very hard for the spouse to understand the overwhelming fatigue that can still be there. It's not like you and I. When we're tired, we just rest or take a nap or go to bed early, but for those who've had this surgery, being tired hits every cell in the body. Napping won't take it away and sometimes sleeping is so interrupted that the body just cannot rest thoroughly. And there are lots of different feelings in the body, and uncomfortableness and some pain.

My husband has said on more than one occasion that he wished he had the energy that I do. He even confessed to feeling "jealous" of the energy. Now, I really don't have enormous amounts of energy, just normal, but to him, it means the loss of the things he used to do. Maybe your cheeriness is a reflection of how physically drained he feels, and how much work and effort he has to put forth to get to your level.

Now, all of this will change, and he will get better and it's going to take probably more time than he would want. A lot of guys are quite impatient and "bottom line" oriented. It's hard when your body gets in the way of getting it done.

Maybe instead of hoping he can enjoy the holiday happiness thoroughly, you could sit quietly with him and watch his movies a little, do some reading or needlework. In other words, you drop down to his level of enjoyment and keep him company in a quiet way.

It is a phase in the recovery process, and will be a distant memory some day. It's just very hard during the holidays. But there will be many more of them. It's one, you almost didn't have together.

If things do not improve reasonably well, in a couple of months, a doctor should be consulted about it. But my guess is that it will get better in time.

Wishing you peace and happiness this season.

 

[Blanche]

Chris:
Ross and Nancy have given you excellent advice. I think that having surgery or serious medical procedures around the holidays brings an extra burden. The surgery itself involves big, big changes...then, with the holidays, the whole climate and environment of the living space changes. I suspect that as soon as the last santas and snowmen are packed away you'll be seeing things begin to settle in. In the meantime, you have to believe that you are doing the very best that you can and that you are doing exactly what needs to be done. And more important, you have to take care of yourself. Relax, be patient, and remember some things have to run their course. It would also be a good idea for you to keep husband's doctor up-to-date on his situation. And, you might want to see your own doctor. Stress takes a toll on the spouse as well as the patient.

 

[terry40]

emotions...

emotions...

The booklet they gave me during my PATs-presurgery warned me and my family of emotional outbursts (post-surgery), mine happened to be crying spells, a first, at least once a day, then every few days, now maybe a little one once a week.

They warned of angry outburst also, they don't exactly explain the "Why" but I reminded my family, that this was normal!

You are being a great caregiver, by coming here and asking questions,
And I'm with you with the Christmas music, to me it's happy music and improves my mood and lifts my spirit!

Terry40

 

[Mb]

Hello.......

My name is Marybeth (52) , and my husband Wayne (56) had double valve surgery in October of last year. He is one of those folks that have not recovered really well. I did want to make a comment on your post though.

Last Christmas, we were so grateful that he was alive, that the substantially slowed down holiday season was just fine with us. All of my shopping was done over the internet, and with gift certificates, that was just fine. I also put up the tree, with the help of my daughter, and actually put on the lights myself! We did not entertain last year except for family and friends dropping by. Generally we have had at least two, and sometimes three holiday parties. I have always gone way overboard on gifting, but that changed last year.

Last night my daughter again helped me put up the Christmas tree. My husband stayed in the kitchen until the tree was secure in the stand. Now, this may not seem like alot to most folks out there, but believe me, this is indicative of how he feels. He truly is just not up to it. He then came into the family room, and I put the lights up on the tree (fairly physical I might add, at the bottom!) He then helped me to put the decorations on the tree.

He has learned to attempt to keep his anxiety under control, and to avoid those things that might cause him angst. (Which by the way, can be almost ANYTHING!) So, I attempt to live with as much poise and calm that I can. Because he has CHF, I take out the trash, do all of the shopping/cooking, etc. I let my housekeeper go last year, because having someone in the house cleaning bothered him, so I clean each Saturday. He dusts, and I do the heavier work. It works for us. We are very fortunate that we planned fairly well financially, so his not working is not creating any credit problems for us. Thank God.

So, the temp has slowed. So what. Who cares....I don't. I am just so happy to have him with me this Christmas, just like last Christmas. Our family will be with us, with a new grandchild, and this Christmas will be better than last. Cuz, in the end, that's all that counts.

By the way, my husband LOVES the old movie channel, and spends some time each day, 14 months post surgery, in his recliner watching John Wayne. He loves it, and I love the fact that he does. Gives him a reason to relax and rest.

I have no idea if this helps you, during this recovery of your loved one, but I can tell you that just writing this helped me. It enabled me to think of last Christmas, and remember how very very grateful I am to so many people, and to God for His Grace.

Sometimes I think of that old song...."slow down, you're moving to fast....." that is how we live.

Like someone else said, go at his pace, not yours. Makes life a whole heck of a lot calmer. With our best wishes to your family during this holy season.......Marybeth

 

[MarkU]

I had my AVR two years ago just prior to Christmas. I was an emotional wreck during the Holidays. I would just start sobbing at times for no apparent reason. Other times I just wanted to be left alone and didn't want to make the effort to talk to anyone.

The post-surgical depression really caught me off guard; I had thoroughly researched all the technical aspects of my surgery, but neglected to consider the emotional and psychological impact. AVR is extremely traumatic both physically and psychologically. I think it took me almost a year before both my mind and body felt completely normal again. Fortunately I had a very supportive and understanding network of friends and family that helped me through it.

PS - I see you're from Fort Wayne. I grew up there and graduated from Snider High in '71. It was a great place to grow up. Still have some good friends up there.
Take care,
Mark