"Social recovery" after surgery

[John Cochran]

I have not seen this topic addressed before here, so maybe it is just my own unique situation, but I'm interested in what I'm calling the "social recovery" experiences folks have had after valve surgery.

What I'm trying to address is not the physical recovery, nor things like depression or anxiety, but how the people in your life respond to you after you've been through this ordeal.

In my situation, all my family, friends and close neighbors knew that my surgery was difficult and that for three days I was not necessarily going to make it. I got a ton of support during my recovery phase--neighbors were even bringing food over, helping with lawn mowing, and other kind acts. However, now I am much better, nearly "normal" (whatever that really is) but it seems like the way people in my social sphere behave towards me is still with kid gloves. Even my business associates seem to treat me differently, like any stress might cause me to break or something.

On top of this, since I have my own business (which suffered tremendously because of my surgery and recovery time) I have been pursuing the idea of joining the conventional workforce as a corporate employee versus continuing to be a small business owner. As you have probably noticed, the economy is not exactly booming right now, and professional white-collar jobs are in short supply compared to the number of people looking for new jobs. Normally, one uses a personal "network" of people you know...but all of those people are the ones who know about my surgery, and probably have concerns about my health and ability to work in the often stressful corporate world.

I have no idea how to go about "rehabilitating" my heart-patient-who-nearly-died image in my social sphere. It is a weird situation, and I'd sure like to hear the perspective of all of you have lived through this.

Thanks!
--John

 

[Ross]

Couldn't ask something simple could ya John? I'm out of the work loop so I'll leave this alone for others to reply.

 

[John Cochran]

Yeah, Ross, it is not a simple question It took me along time before I could even articulate it at all. This sort of falls into the same question "how has your life changed after surgery." I am afraid that I am going to have to find a way to try to make lemonaide out of this lemon!

 

[Guest]

Aye...as I eluded to in the "has surgery changed you" thread, not sure what exactly to say, but here's my shot at it........

I'm living your question right now, John. And, given the fact that several friends have seemingly "dropped from sight", I'm not quite sure how to react. Others tell me not to "take it personally", and I'm trying very hard not to...because I know I take things way too personally sometimes.... And, yet, well, it's hard to gauge what is going on... Not sure if that answers your question per se...

Of the friends that are around still...some of them treat me with "gloves"...others act like nothing has changed. And, I'm not sure which of those I prefer....or if I like/dislike either of them....

But, with that said, the outpouring of support the week I was in the hospital (and even the first week or so of my return home)...when I couldn't do much of anything...was incredible and awesome to me...I had no idea so many people really did care. And yet, now that everything is "fine" (for the most part), people have gone back to their "normal" routines...which doesn't necessarily include me.... It has been somewhat of a struggle for me to realize that I've come to know so many care because of surgery...something that I really don't talk about all that much....heh...gotta love irony........

I think that perhaps how one views the scars...and maybe even life in general...affects how others see/treat you as well....hmmm.... I know I'd like to say that I'm "less stressed", but such is not the case, as "little things" still bother me some...but...I'm working on it.......

I start back to work on Feb 28...so, I'll learn more about this "social recovery" and the workforce then.........

Peace...Always,
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[hensylee]

Hard to overcome it, John. In my family a cousin and I have had heart surgery. She had valve replacement AND bypass; I only had bypass. I think what pops into the minds of others, unless they see us every day, is "oh, she's the one with the heart problems". One can always point out Gov Bob Graham, our Vice President, David Letterman, Regis Philbin and many other famous ones who are kicking very well after their particular surgeries. Now Sen Kerry is having prostate surgery today - and he will always be branded becaue of it. As long as you are back to work, doing your job as before, they may come to see you as recovered. I hope so. For us in here, our scars are our proud brand, to outsiders, maybe not.

 

[Creed3]

Hi John!

Hi John!

I found that the first few months after surgery, people were treating me very carefully. They were afraid that I was maybe doing things I shouldn't be. If my in-laws had their way, they wouldn't let me do anything, they are such caring people and were afraid I wasn't ready to resume normal activity. Everyone was always asking how I was and if I should be doing this and that. I would have to say that lately, people are treating me pretty much like they did before any of my heart problems. Once and awhile someone at work will say to me that you shouldn't be lifting all those charts/files, but I am fine now to do lifting. My body tells me when it is too much. My boss hasn't treated me any different. I work in a hospital, so it may be that people realize that just because you have heart surgery, doesn't mean you can't get back to your normal routine. I know this probably hasn't helped you too much, but I just wanted to let you know how people are treating me. My husband doesn't even treat me differently. He did in the very beginning, but he learned a lot about my recovery and what I can do now. He doesn't want to treat me like glass because that would not be good for me.

Take Care & Good Luck
Gail

 

[epstns]

John - I can't speak from any surgery-related experience, as the only surgery I ever had was while I was still in college.

I can, perhaps, help as one of your sounding boards regarding career choices, as I have been bumped around a bit myself. You haven't said what type of business you are in, or what sort of positions interest you. Give us a clue there, as there may be some sources of contacts and ideas that are useful but "outside" your current circle of contacts. Your current contacts are aware of your health issues, new ones would not be. If you have a contact who is in Human Resources for any of the mid-to large sized companies, ask them what sorts of questions a prospective employer is NOT allowed to ask, or that you are not required to answer. Many of the questions you fear are in this "no-no" category. They can ask if you are physically able to do the work, but they are not allowed to ask details of your medical history, etc.

You may need to carefully consider how to explain why you might be choosing to go "back" into the corporate world after being an entrepreneur -- be creative, they can't call your boss to ask! Don't lie, but only tell them what you must to sell yourself and your skills.

Can't add much more without more info on your career interests, though.

HTH

 

[Kevin M]

I also own my own firm. It's a small company and I think that's where a lot of these concerns come into play.

I don't know what your business is John, but I'm in the service industry and when you only have a few people, you ARE the business. It's your repuatation etc. that attract people to the company. When your abilities come into doubt, it can cause an enormous amount of stress for you.

I was off for about 10 weeks. I was careful to discuss the situation with key clients prior to leaving and to reassure them that after a few months, all would be fine.

When I got back, I made the necessary round of phone calls and faked it a bit. I wasn't fully capable of doing heavy workdays all at once, but I attribute the ability for my company to bounce back to this cheerful, back-in-the-saddle phone calls. I certainly didn't feel as good as I sounded, but it was important to put out the perception that all was well.

I'll be honest, my last fiscal year took quite a beating, but if you can afford to hang on a little longer, it could come back.

I found that when people could see that I hadn't turned into some sort of invalid, they were happy to come back and use our services.

I hope this helps. Every situation is different, but I know that it's pretty difficult when you don't have insurance and someone else who can shoulder the load while you're down.

Keep your chin up. I'm almost at my two year mark and I can tell you that it did indeed take a good year after my surgery to get the financials, etc. back in order.
Kev

 

[Rich]

John,
I went thru the same thing.
To this day people still constantly ask me if I'm OK.
At work I was treated with kid gloves for months and months.
Everybody was great but things just never returned to 'normal'.
Nor did anyone understand that there was not and still is not anything wrong with my heart.
People simply assume if you have had a heart related problem you may not have long to live so they want to be very careful and extra nice all the time.
It's not their fault but rather their lack of knowledge about this.

 

[John Cochran]

Thanks for sharing your own experiences with me...it helps And Rich, I think you hit the nail on the head that people just don't have the knowledge to understand heart surgery.

I neglected to mention what field I'm in. I have worked mostly for a Fortune 100 company as a vice president and corporate director in the communications, Internet and software areas, mainly focused on strategy development. My little company does mainly corporate image consulting and the development of supporting advertising and marketing materials.

This is a weird career for me in a way, since I started out in bio-medical engineering and computer science. Went to college twice, actually, as I did my first degree and post-grad work in psychology. Too many strong interests, too little time LOL!

This eclectic background makes for good conversation at parties, but the executive recruiters always want you to fit neatly into a pre-defined "box" and I don't fit too well

Now add to that equation the fact that I'm an alpha male who also likes to ride fast motorcycles, shoot pool and slow dance...but also like London/New York theatre, art museums and exotic travel...well, I'm just an odd duck!!! Which is useful for all this medical stuff, since I know a quack when I see one!

In a nutshell, I've been a "high speed" guy who got forced into "slow speed" for a while with the surgery and recovery. I suspect this confused a lot of people I know, and it will take a while for them to forget what I've been through, if they ever do.

OK, anyone else gonna share their weird background?

--John

 

[Nancy]

You know John, that packaging of a product sells it. You have a rich and highly educated background. Your heart is fixed up now. There are all kinds of people with fixed up parts out there working in all kinds of jobs. Forget about your medical conditions, even if the people who you know are aware of it. Stand up as tall and straight as you can, put on your best and most confident smile, wear your most flattering suit and tie and accessories, stick out your hand with a firm handshake and tell them how much of an asset you'll be.

Sounds like you need to be in upper management. That's where your creative and varied background plus your alphaness (is that a word?) will be an asset to any company.

Wishing you good luck. I owned my own business for many years. It's a struggle. It would probably be almost coasting for you to work for a larger company, not easy, but not as nerve-wracking as owning your own business.

 

[Scottie]

Hi John

Hi John

I know what you mean ...I have had some different reaction to going back to work ...the staff are very nice and they did treat me gently at first ...but I felt I had to show them I was okay ...for me this meant hiding my scar ...so as not to remind them and for it not to become a talking point ..doing as good a job as I could and always looking my best ..so they couldn't say I looked tired ...
I was polite to parents who brought up the subject of my health and thanked them for their concern but quickly moved the subject away from me on to their own children. While I am prepared to discuss my health with good friends and family if they ask or I need to talk ...I ,hope ,politely but firmly decline all offers to discuss it with people whom I feel are aquaintances or collegues.
To be honest there were some days when I was so tired I found it hard work to pretend I was excited about an afternoon of showing 7 yr olds how to write an imaginative story of a place they have never been too or doesn't exsist ...but pride can take you a long way.
I know business is different ...but just wanted you to know I do understand somewhat ...take care
Scottie

 

[Sunshine susan]

Returning to work....

Returning to work....

Hi John--I don't know how long since your surgery, but returning to work can be a little scary. For a short period of time, you feel "different". I had AVR with mechanical valve 4 years ago and was off work 6 weeks. I am in financial management in a large and fast paced banking environment so the stress is always there. Budgets, forecasts, projects, deadlines. I think I had to prove to myself first that I was up to the task and be both mentally and physically prepared. As a result, I "showed" them I was, if anything, more capable than before to stand up to the rigors of the environment. These things in time (usually quite short) seek their proper level and you won't feel so different and no one will see you as being so different either. You've just had an experience, so to speak. As a woman, I am vain enough that I do cover the top of my scar if it shows in a suit jacket or v-neck. But I also consider it a badge of honor. I have been through the valley of the shadow of death and returned. Not everyone has---some are "awed", some are clueless. I think it is nice when someone expresses concern or asks how I am doing so I just respond accordingly with my "bionic woman" routine. The only thing that still sticks out though is having to go periodically for those darn vampire appointments. I consider myself a pretty healthy person now and find it hard to have this and that doctor appointment--if you know what I mean. But at the end of the day, so to speak, the feelings of being "different" will mellow, especially as you learn that many others are "different" as well in other ways. The longer you are different, the more normal you become! This coming from someone with a lot of understanding of the dynamics, I hope it helps. I'll happily prop you up anytime you have concerns. My personal wish is that family members were as considerate as those I work with! In that case--"tote that barge, lift that bale"!! LOL Susan

 

[fdegranville]

Oh the challenges of the corporate world

Oh the challenges of the corporate world

Hi John,
This is an interesting topic you raise. I have not had surgery yet and have worked in the corporate world for many years. It is a challenge. I made it a policy years ago never to discuss my problems with anyone at work and especially those who have the greatest influence on my career (the boss). I made that pledge after a manager I had 14 years ago told me not to drop dead on the sales floor.

I am in a very good environment now, but I hate to blow my cover. I have to go in a have a mitral valvuloplasty soon. I am very symptomatic and they feel this procedure could put off replacement for a while. Meanwhile, I have a very busy schedule and have got to tell my boss and my staff and I'm afraid everything will change. I have always been a very productive and successful employee but I'm afraid once I tell him things will change. They look at what you can't do instead of what you can do and have always done. I do not want the sigma attached to heart disease. My professional life has suffered very little, I put every bit of energy into my job and basically do not have a personal life, no energy left. So I understand your concerns, but as someone said earlier, you can start fresh and you don't have to say a word about it and they are not allowed to ask. You have so many talents and areas of expertise and a great personality! Best of luck with your search.

fdeg

 

[MarkU]

My boss called me while I was still in the hospital after my AVR to tell me that our company was in financial trouble and was going out of business within the next month. Not exactly cheery news, but in the grand scheme of things I was just feeling good about being alive at the time.

As predicted, a month later, the same week I was able to return to work part-time, the company went out of business, cancelling our health care plan with three days notice.

To add insult to injury, the state unemployment agency initially denied my unemployment benefits because I was not "actively pursuing employment" during my recovery from AVR. In other words, they literally expected me to be pounding the bricks and knocking on doors - they said that making telephone calls and mailing my resume was not acceptable to qualify for benefits.

With two kids in college it was a tough time and we had to dip into our retirement savings in order to make ends meet.

A few months into my recovery, I was contacted by an old business associate who asked me to do some consulting work for his small company - mostly stuff that I could do from home. Ironically, he had no idea that I had just undergone heart surgery - he just needed some help with his business.

To make a long story short, while doing the consulting work, I made some contacts that eventually ended up in a job offer.

Even though I ended up being out of full-time work for more than a year, I am now in a job that I really enjoy and I feel healthier than I have in years. It's nice not to lay awake at nights worrying about money, and feeling like I wasn't in control of my life.

The one thing I found out through this adventure was what a great family and friends that I have. It feels good to be bringing home a paycheck again, but somehow money doesn't seem nearly as important as it used to.

Mark

 

[John Cochran]

Mark,
Thanks for sharing your story. I am glad it has had such a good turn in the plot line, though! Man, when I read about the state denying you benefits because you "weren't actively looking" I just had to shake my head. And losing your job just as you were recovering must have been very tough. I hope your future roads are much smoother!

Best,
--John

 

[Granbonny]

Mark

Mark

Money cannot buy you good health As long as you have a roof over your head, food on the table..and a LOVIN family..what else is important? Bet those 2 kids in college would help out as soon as they get jobs...My daughter left a $55.000 a year job to move back to the city in which she lived. Hated the commute to Atl..Loves her new job with a big salary cut. Takes her 5 min. to work..and can spend more time with Hubby...Just cut out those trips and fancy dinners. Bonnie

 

[hensylee]

That truly is the truth, Bonnie - Was married and had many of the goodies - got divorced and live in an OLD tacky country house, have tacky everything, not much $ but can pay my bills - he has the big house w/pool, another house on a private island off Sarasota but is an unhappy man. If I was any more satisfied and happy they would have to put me away. The goodies are very nice, but price was just way too high.

 

[MarkU]

Bonnie

Bonnie

Actually, I can't complain about anything. I've always had a good job over the years and I've been blessed with a good and loving family.
Being out of work for a year didn't help the bank account, but we were never in much danger of missing a meal or a mortgage payment.
Didn't get out to dinner or movies very often, but it could have been a lot worse. Kind of a character-building experience looking back at it. I'm actually making more money now than I did before, so I guess things worked out okay.
And it's amazing how much financial aid college students can get when their dad's W-2 says "$0" for the previous year...
I owe everything to my wife for hanging in with me. Plan to spend the rest of my life showing her how much I appreciate her.

Mark

 

[Rain]

If you guys would like to do a study.....

If you guys would like to do a study.....

I?m raising my hand!!

I?d love to prove to myself that owning a fancy house and my own island would make me miserable!