My hearts about to break!!

shop deals on amazon
Shop deals on ebay
Advertise with us
Valve Replacement Forums

Help Support Valve Replacement Forums:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
A

alicia

With all my other problems Im having (facing more surgery maybe next month) I find out my husband of 25 years has been having an affair for 5 years. The woman has moved way out of state and they cut everything off when I first got sick (so he says) but he has kept in touch with her by cellphone almost daily. Thats how I found out they were talking and when I confronted him he told the truth (finally). Im just shocked and outraged.

My cardiologist has given me Xanax and Atavan for me. My blood pressure is very high and my pulse is around 130 and Im having funny feelings in my chest. I know its just stress. This is all happened on my 3rd month anniversary of my mitral valve replacement.

Anny suggestions?

:confused:
 
A suggestion . . .

A suggestion . . .

Really large quantities of xanax and ativan for HIM???

This is truly awful and a mess for you. I'm so sorry and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I guess my suggestion is to get mad; don't let them LITERALLY break your heart - they al.ready have figuratively. You must concentrate on you.

Please see a therapist or clergy-person you respect & trust. You need to have some professional, objective input.

And know that everyone here is rooting for you
 
Ali

Ali

I am so so sorry. How could he do that you. You deserve better and he should be told just that. You have been through enough. My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you need me please write. Don't ever let him make you feel that this is your faul because there is no excuse for it. Love Peg
 
I'm so sorry to hear all that!! Your husband should know that honesty is the most important thing in a relationship...and it's horrible that he should put you through all that when you're so in need of support right now!! All I can offer for advice is to try as hard as you can to not get stressed out or try to suppress any emotions... these things only lead to more illness.
Good luck and if you need to e-mail someone feel free to use me as well!!
 
Alicia, I was so sorry to read this. I'm here for you as well, if you need someone to talk to . Try some relaxation exercises, Light a candle and some incence, stare at the candle and try to empty you mind. Want to keep that blood pressure in control. martha
 
So Sorry!

So Sorry!

I hope you can get your blood pressure under control. he is NOT worth it!!!

Personally if it was me, I would wait for him to go to sleep then sew him in the bed sheets and take all of my anger/agression out on the bed! Sounds like he needs it!

Shame on him!!!!!!!!!!

Take care
Nadine
 
He is a jerk!

He is a jerk!

Alicia, as the only male to respond to this, I want you to know how sorry I am for you. Please do what you can to resist having him make you feel guilty. This is so difficult for you and I think the others who have suggested that you seek church-related or professional support have it right. There are many people I'm sure in the Greenville area who would be willing to comfort you if you give them the chance. By the way, I have spoken with Dr. Chitwood and I am definitely interested in his services should my condition worsen. Thanks again for helping me with your advice when I reached out.

John M.
 
Alicia-

I just want to also express how sorry I am that you find yourself in such a situation. Talk about being kicked in the butt! What a worm he is. Not an ounce of common decency, kindness or empathy. His idea of helping you through some hard times is to run around on you. He's not the kind of partner you should have.

Please make sure you get the best divorce lawyer available, if that is the way you want to go, someone who is ruthless.

You will need lots of financial support.

It's wonderful to get counseling help, but getting a nasty lawyer is also wonderful in this instance.
 
Hi Alicia -
That is a real bummer - I feel so bad for you - I hope you can find some peace of mind - feel free to write me if you want - I'm in the first stages of this valve replacement and I sure would not want to have to deal with the kind of stress you have right now -
Are there any women's support groups that you could contact? it might help - This site seems like a godsend - I'm sure the people here will help also - take care of yourself -
Barbara
 
Ali

Ali

I have never gone through this personally, but I watched my mom go through it. Her ex-husband would "go to work" and/or work late(sometimes until 4AM)and all along, he was messing around with this lady that worked with him. SOme peices of advice I can give you are,

Work through your emotions, don't hide them or keep them inside. They will eat you up.

Find a support group, my mom went to one called Beginning experiences, and she made a lot of friends and got a lot of support from the people in the group. She met her current husband there(funny, huh?)

Do not blame yourself, HE is the scumbag here, not you. HE was weak willed. If you have a support system out where you live, this is the time to use it.

My mom also went to a psychologist, some of the time it was one on one, sometimes it was a group.

I can't tell you what to do, but I personally would leave him. I firmly believe that people don't change. I would get a good divorce lawyer and take him for all he has( I originally said for all he is worth, but I don't think that is much). I don't know too much about the laws in NC, but you can make HIM pay for spousal support, you can make HIM pay for medical, HE can support YOU even though he would be out of your life. That is if you want him to. I am sorry that you are going through all this right now. Please don't keep it all inside, talk to someone. You can always email me if you need to. Giving you a cyber hug,
Joy
 
cheating husband

cheating husband

Dear alicia ,yes iagree with everyone get rid of the bum how downright insensitive especially with all u are giong thru.
MY heart rate once wen't up to 140 due to extreme stress.
I would get alwayer fast and throw him out .
I dont believe in forgiving a cheating spouse once the trust has been betrayed there is no turning back .
Be good to yourself .
Dara :)
 
Alicia

Alicia

My heart goes out to you, 25 years is a long-time investment in a relationship to have it betrayed like that, and during a down time for you.

The man has no compassion, or empathy.

I agree with the rest in finding a support group, and don't blame yourself.

You need to get that pulse rate and blood pressure down to a safer level.

keep us updated with your decissions, we'll back you up as best we can,

Terry40
 
I just remembered another thing that helped my mom...she wrote him a letter and sent it to him. I did as well, but he abused me growing up. You can either send it or not, it just helps to get the words out. You could also write a letter to the woman too. That could help. Keeping a journal would help by getting your feelings out. Just take your time going through this. It will take a while. I will PM you as soon as I am done with this, alright? take care of yourself, please.
Joy
 
Alicia, I forgot to mention keeping a log as Joy has suggested. Your emotions will either make you forget or change your memories on some of what is going on. Later you might need those memories, depending on what you decide. It is important that your facts are correct and keeping a log with dates and details could be very important. Guarantee he isn't keeping one, so if you do it, nobody can dispute it. Keep it secret and in your underwear drawer and nobody will ever think of looking there to discover it. Years down the road you will want to destroy it, tho, to let those memories die. Thanks, Joy, for mentioning this one.
 
Hi Alicia,
I'm really sorry to hear what your going through. I don't think anyone here has the right to give anything but love and comfort and support. Most have. I know condemnation of someone you love is the last thing you want to hear. I'm sure you see a part of him that means very much to you, the good as well as the bad. Mad as hell ... you have every right to be. Do not feel guilty! No matter what the reason, no one has a right to break vows you made before God. Someone suggested you seek advice from the clergy or counseling. You betcha. I speak from experience. One of my friends did this to me with my ex-wife. I still loved her, but in our case she chose the easy way out and divorced. Don't allow yourself to become the victim mentally by your own thoughts, or by your partners minipulation. Both of you could come up with a million and one excuses and find a million and one things you could have done differently, but the bottom line is HIM taking RESPONSIBILITY for HIS actions, and that is the violation of your vows. No situation no matter how bad excuses that. I pray you can save your marriage, but for now you need time, time to be angry and time to cry. Another friend gave me some other advice ... don't be afraid to see a doctor and take a sedative for awhile. My golly, I ended up in the E. R. room thinking I was loosing my mind. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Please don't handle this on your own. Take Gods hand, that is what he is their for. It is dark now, but their is light at the end of the tunnel. My prayers are with you and your husband. ... Mark
 
Mark has said it the way I would try to say it. No matter what, there is no excuse for this activity. Rather then myself bashing him or blaming anyone, seek the guidance of someone professional on this matter. It's all too easy to take the easy way out, though it's not really easy at all, and then have lingering troubling thoughts about the action.

For some people, the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, but once over the fence, it usually is anything but green.

My heart, thoughts, and prayers go out to you.
 
Alicia

Alicia

Mark wrote some very important and sensible things. I agree with every word. My husband went through this with his ex and it was also with his best friend. The hurt, the betrayal and the self doubt was more then he needed to go through. It takes a big person to forgive such an act. At the time he was willing to try to get through with his 13 year marriage in tact. Later unfortunately for him she wasn't willing to give up her boyfriend. He filed for divorce and got the house and the kids. 6 months later he met me. Hind sight he can honestly say that he always knew it was coming. And now he calls it a blessing . YOU have to decide what YOU can live with and if this is worth saving. I think any counselor or clergy will tell you this is going to be a long haul. Nothing will be "fixed easily". Trust is the biggest part of a successful marriage and when that trust has been jeapordized it is very difficult to get back. Not impossible, but very difficult. At the moment you have to worry about your health. Focus on that as much as you can. I will certainly be praying for you. Love Peg
 
Hi Alicia!
When I read your thread, I my heart went out to you. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. I really don't have much to add, Mark has said everything in just the right way. I just want to let you know that I am thinking and praying for you right now.

Take Care!
Gail
 
I went through a divorce and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. The thing I learned is that you have to take care of yourself. That means more than just the legal stuff. You have to protect yourself from well meaning but clumsly people some of which you thought were your friends. Often they will get their own problems mixed in with their response to you. This is very common among members of support groups. It creates a group anger which is not good for anybody.

You have to find something to do to keep from running the bad stuff through your mind day after day. Its OK to get angry but dont wear it like a badge on your shirt because it scares the rest of us and we will turn away from you. Somehow you have to find things to do that bring you peace and harmony. I found canoeing on lakes and window shopping at Home Depot to be my solace.

The first few months will be much like what you experienced with your MV surgery. Lots of pain and discomfort. But like that it will go away. Listen to Dr. Joy on the radio. She gives out some pretty good advice. One thing to avoid for the next year. NO relationships! It is easy to fall in love when you are hurting. Friendship are great but no relationships.

I am a retired psychologist and these comments are what I told my patients. They worked for them and can work for you.
Remember, dont assume some other persons anger and don't go into a relationship for a year. Good Luck.
 
Im at such a loss as what to do. I want to stay and work it out but I dont know that I can ever trust him again. That doubt will always be there for me. I went to Barnes and Nobles and bought a book "After the affair" and it has some helpful information in it.

He has been such an excellent husband,father,and grandfather. I never ever really thought he was cheating on me, I just had nagging doubts that made me start looking at cell phone bills etc.

Thanks for everybodys kind words. Its going to be a tough battle! I go to my GYN Monday to see if my cysts are still there and if so schedule surgery. What a weekend!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top