Memorials/funerals ... to attend or not to attend

[Guest]

This week, I wasn't able to attend the memorial service of an elderly woman I've known since 1978 ... when my grandparents moved to Batavia IL so my grandfather could pastor a church there. And, in a way, I'm glad I didn't go.

Back in 1987, when my then best friend died, I was all about the memorial service. I felt the need to BE there ... and, I was. It was awesome hearing people talk about him ... and hearing stories about him that, sadly, I didn't know. I even found out that he didn't want me to know how bad his asthma was ... because of my own health issues.

But, since then ... and especially in the last few years ... I've grown to dislike and not want to attend funerals/memorial services.

As I've grown older, I've noticed how funerals/memorial services tend to become a reunion of sorts between family members and friends. I've also noticed how it is at memorial services/funerals that people tell others how much the deceased means to them. Both of these frustrate me just a bit. While it is fun remembering and reuniting with people ... I feel these should be done more often while people are ALIVE to ENJOY them. As for telling how much someone means to you ... well, that, as far as I'm concerned, should be done while the person is alive ... to HEAR it.

*shrugs*

But, even I'm guilty of not telling people how much they mean to me ... and not attending gatherings. I know some family members and even some friends I've met through various online/national groups that, most likely, do not have a clue how much they mean to me ... and who I wish I took and had more time to see them each year.

*sighs*

Sssoo...what're your thoughts?



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Time is a natural healer" ... John Conlee ... 'Years After You'

 

[Lisa in Katy]

Right after my freshman year in college, I went to a memorial service for one of my good friends from high school. She was a year younger than me and had just graduated from high school, so we hadn't seen each other for a while. She committed suicide, and the memorial service was awful. Lots of distraught teenagers - I remember thinking how many of those teenage girls had been quite rude to her throughout high school, and yet, there they were, crying with the rest of us. I vowed then that I would avoid funerals at all costs.

However, as I've grown older, I've realized that the importance of funerals is for the living. The deceased doesn't care anymore, but the living need to know that everybody else cared about their loved one. They need to have something "good" to get them through the next part of grieving, and most funerals are good. It is important to get together and say everything before death, but it is also important to have reflection and closure. I actually love the "family reunion" part of it because I can get together with people I don't see very often. My extended family is spread out across Texas and the rest of the U.S., so Christmas and funerals are the only times we see each other. Most of my family members are characters, so it's always fun to get together and tell the "I remember" stories.

I missed my grandmother's funeral because my son's arrival was imminent, and she lived several hours car ride away. It was about a year before I made it to the cemetery and saw her gravestone. Until then, it wasn't "real" to me. By missing that funeral, I missed a major incident - the son that she gave up for adoption about 70 years earlier showed up and nobody in the family knew he existed, but that's another story....

All that being said, I still refuse to see the body. I want to remember the living. When my time comes, I plan to have a happy memorial service.

 

[Ross]

I'm right there with ya. I gave up going long ago. Heck, I don't even want to go to my own.

 

[RCB]

Ditto,

Ditto,

I'm right there with ya. I gave up going long ago. Heck, I don't even want to go to my own.

I would just rather sit alone and honor my lost love one by thinking about them and remember how really neat they were. This way I never forget them.
I still think of friends I lost in my childhood, my parents, the pts. who died
in the early years when so many were lost. I even remember every dog I ever had. It is sad and happy- pain and joy in memories, but that is what life
is all about.

 

[Cooker]

Cort,

I buried 7 family members the first 5 years of my marriage, my wife thought she had married into the Adams family The result, I became hardened to death. I could not feel sad when I thought I should. But as I have aged and matured ( a little I hope ) I have come to feel that I need to attend to support the ones who grieve. If I look at what I can bring to the moment I always take something away....

This is a very personal matter for everyone and there is no right or wrong way to handle these situations. Follow your heart my friend.

Tom

 

[Debster]

Wow Cort-another thought provoking thread My stepdad of 27 years passed away this year-very very hard. Just the thought of going to his funeral made me want to run away. Of course I went-and seeing all the people that cared about him-and the ones that came because they cared about me-was very helpful to me. You are SO right-time is short and we need to tell people how we feel about them while they are still here. My stepdad's daughters from his first marriage are in a lot of pain because they realized they missed out on a huge part of their dad's life. (They did not visit him much) Unfortunately it is too late now.
Anyway-I think it is good to go to these services to show you care-not only for the deceased but for the ones left behind. Deb

 

[Mb]

Dear Cort:

Yes, this is an interesting thread. I am always surprised when I hear that people do not want to go to the service, wake or funeral, of someone that they knew, or whose family they know. The services are not about them, they are about those left behind grieving. Their loss sometimes is enormous. Their lives are forever changed. It is only decent kindness, to come, and tell them in any way that you can, that you care.

My husband and I always go. It is rare that circumstances do not permit us to go. Very rare.

This kindness was returned to us last year when our eldest daughter died, at age 32. I cannot begin to tell you even today, how much we miss her. She was truly a beloved member of our family. And, many people came to her wake and funeral. I can't tell you how much that meant to us. Some folks we hadn't seen in many many years. To know that they cared, and remembered helped us so much. For three weeks, people kept coming with food, cards, or just visited at our home. I didn;t cook one meal during that time. I couldn't. Never would I be able to return to my community all of the love and compassion shown to us. July 3rd was the one year anniversary, and more cards came......flowers./ Her grave was covered with momento's people left over that week.

Each and every small act of kindness became a mountain of love.

How can you NOT go?

Marybeth

 

[bvdr]

I attend for I know how much I appreciated everyone who came to the funerals of my loved ones. By all means though make sure you tell the people you love how you feel about them. Our family funerals tend to end up as festive reunions when one of our elderly passes away after a long life but when it is a young person or child then we just weep together and do a lot of hugging.

 

[Mary]

Dear Cort:

Yes, this is an interesting thread. I am always surprised when I hear that people do not want to go to the service, wake or funeral, of someone that they knew, or whose family they know. The services are not about them, they are about those left behind grieving. Their loss sometimes is enormous. Their lives are forever changed. It is only decent kindness, to come, and tell them in any way that you can, that you care.

My husband and I always go. It is rare that circumstances do not permit us to go. Very rare.

This kindness was returned to us last year when our eldest daughter died, at age 32. I cannot begin to tell you even today, how much we miss her. She was truly a beloved member of our family. And, many people came to her wake and funeral. I can't tell you how much that meant to us. Some folks we hadn't seen in many many years. To know that they cared, and remembered helped us so much. For three weeks, people kept coming with food, cards, or just visited at our home. I didn;t cook one meal during that time. I couldn't. Never would I be able to return to my community all of the love and compassion shown to us. July 3rd was the one year anniversary, and more cards came......flowers./ Her grave was covered with momento's people left over that week.

Each and every small act of kindness became a mountain of love.

How can you NOT go?

Marybeth

I particularly agree with Marybeth's first paragraph. A funeral or memorial service is for those who grieve. Attending is a show of respect and caring for those who are left to carry on.
I saw this firsthand, again, when Bob's father died. It meant a tremendous amount to Bob, and I know he will always have a special feeling in his heart for those who were there.
I was a teen-ager when I lost my brother, and then my father, so I couldn't really tell you who attended and who didn't. I was in too much shock to record the events that surrounded the funerals. However, later on I read the memorial book, and the comments that were left, and to this day, almost 40 years later, I still remember those people with particular love and affection.
It doesn't really matter how the funeral is viewed by those who attend, it's how it's viewed by the loved ones left behind that is important.

 

[Christina L]

Cort -

Cort -

I understand what you are saying. My Mom spent 1-1/2 years suffering from breast cancer and died from it. We lived in a small town in Iowa. Mom and Dad had several other couple friends they socialized with as they were all raising their children.

One of Mom's friends (and yes they had all gotten busy over the years since their younger days and Mom commuted to Des Moines to work every day) had never come to visit Mom and Mom was telling me that "she'll come - she just doesn't know how to handle this, but she'll come see me eventually."

Well, she NEVER visited Mom in those last months and called my sister when she heard Mom was going to a hospice - and boo-hoo'd on the phone to my sister - then she had the nerve to come to the funeral and boo-hoo all over my sisters and I. I wanted to ask her where she was when Mom was dying. What good did it do that she came to the funeral?!

I still hurt for my Mom - and believe me my Mom was well liked - she was an angel - I swore after all of that happened that I would NEVER let a friend's illness go unnoticed and also I realized just how selfish people are. I was appalled at the lack of compassion and selfishness of people who were afraid of facing their own mortality so they chose to stay away from Mom.

I get very maudlin when I hear of people with cancer and their wonderful friends. I think with Mom - people in the small town figured she had her 4 daughters to care for her. There were many people who visited and sent cards, but none to the extent that (I) would have liked. My Mom had great faith and was a wonderful person - she never held it against those people - she always excused them by saying "they don't know how to handle this." I just was/am sad for her.

SO - Cort - I totally agree with you!! But funerals are for the family but as a family member in the midst of a funeral, I truly resented those that came to Mom's funeral who didn't "visit" her while she was alive!!!

Obviously this is a sore spot with me and I probably should let it go - but it is hard - six years after the fact.

Christina L

 

[Bina]

Over the years I've attended my share of funerals, memorials, etc.
It is nice to be supportive for the remaining families and friends, and share the stories.
Then in 2003, I experienced a family loss for the first time...my Mom died at age 69 after 22 years of horrible illnesses.
We had a private family visitation, all 8 of us....no friends, no guests, nothing.

 

[geebee]

If I had my way, I would avoid any services and would not allow any for myself. However, services are for family and friends to get together and remember. I would feel like I was dishonoring the deceased if I did not attend the service of a loved one.

I agree that it is so much more important to honor the person before they pass but we all seem so busy these days that time is sparse.

I do like services where people request bright colors and laughter. I hope that is what happens waaaayyyyyy....... down the road for me.

 

[Nancy]

Had a nice funeral for Joe. He didn't want a big deal. He was cremated per his wishes, so there was no body to view, just his ashes in a very nice little bronze box with his engraved picture on it on a table with a crystal lamp shining on it and a single rose. I didn't want any flowers and asked instead that people give money to the heart surgery program where Joe had so many of his life saving surgeries. We had a wonderful woman read letters from various people, a couple of psalms, nothing heavy duty. And there was no graveside deal. We all went to a lovely luncheon afterward.

I'm sure he would have approved. It wasn't maudlin or even very sad. It was just a tribute to him and a coming together of those who cared about him, sort of a celebration of his life.

I had my share of wakes and big funerals in the past having come from a large Irish extended family. They really were too much sometimes, and at times bizarre.

But to each his own. Wakes and funerals are to celebrate the person's life and also to help the grieving family and friends get through the first few days. And of course for the faithful, the religious aspect is of utmost importance.

 

[Guest]

Wakes and funerals are to celebrate the person's life and also to help the grieving family and friends get through the first few days. And of course for the faithful, the religious aspect is of utmost importance.

Nancy ... I quoted you, but this is directed to everyone that has posted with similar comments:

I meant no disrespect to anyone, and I agree that memorials/funerals are to celebrate one's life ... and to help the grieving. Whether it is attending the service or contacting the family/friends of the deceased that I know, I make sure that I reach out to them.

I'm not 100% set on NOT attending funerals/memorial services ... I just feel that more should be done while people are alive to spend time together and share things. I know, for me personally, if I had known some of the things about my best friend while he was alive, our friendship may've been stronger and/or richer....

As for the elderly lady, I was not able to attend because I wasn't able to clear my schedule. BUT ... one night this week, I'm going to stop at Wendy's on my way home to pick up dinner ... and have a Frosty in her honor. I've felt a bit guilty since I learned about her death because I never did take her to get a Frosty as we had talked about for the last year or so.... We just never took the time ... either she was sick and/or in the hospital ... or I wasn't around ... or the weather was not "favorable" (per her definition).



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Without you, I'm not me" ... Colin Raye ... 'Little Rock'

 

[Rain]

I find this wierd.....

I find this wierd.....

.... viewing the dead. The person doesn't even look the same. And certainly isn't looking thier best... is it really respectful?

 

[Wise]

When our family lost both of my brothers in 2003 within three months, it was such a comfort for us to have that support. I can't really explain why, but it meant so much to me for friends and acquaintances to show that they cared. You don't have to show up at a visitation to show that you care, but it did somehow help us through it.

Now when I turn the tables on myself, I find I don't want to go to visitations but I do because I believe, for the most part, it helps.

 

[Nancy]

Cort, I do understand what you are saying, and I must admit that I was upset with some people who came to the service, who never bothered to visit Joe all those years when he was ill.

You are right, people should do their sharing and caring when the person is alive.

And I remember at my mother's funeral (I was a teenager), a close neighbor coming up to me and saying, "if only I had known she was that sick, I would have visited and tried to help" Well, duh--the reason she didn't know was because she never visited.

 

[Guest]

Cort, I do understand what you are saying, and I must admit that I was upset with some people who came to the service, who never bothered to visit Joe all those years when he was ill.

You are right, people should do their sharing and caring when the person is alive.

And I remember at my mother's funeral (I was a teenager), a close neighbor coming up to me and saying, "if only I had known she was that sick, I would have visited and tried to help" Well, duh--the reason she didn't know was because she never visited.

And, see ... it's those type of people that always make me feel guiltier, if that's even possible. I know ... doesn't make sense, but I get so caught up in what other people are saying and doing at memorials/funerals that I tend to be rather quiet. Then, people think I'm taking the death harder than I really am ... when, really, I'm fuming at the ones who really have no business saying what they are saying.

*pauses*

Yeah, that made sense....

*rolls eyes*



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
WRMNshowcase.lego.HO.model.MCs.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"I see the way out and I'm gonna take it" ... Carrie Underwood ... 'Wasted'

 

[Mb]

Dear Cort:

I'd like to add one last post to your thread.

My husband says "The person who dies, does not choose the day. The conveneince of family and freinds was not taken into consideration. Surely, if they could have, they would have chosen a different day." Ponder this when you are next thinking about how hard it is to arrange your day so that you can attend a wake or funeral of someone you cared about.

I had a cousin who died at age 31 of a stroke. She was on life support for a couple of days, and her husband, children, mom and dad suffered horribly during that time. I remember my aunt saying it was more important to the family that people come during those days than to the wake or funeral. The family needed that support so much.

And, when you have a "feeling" that you should be calling or visiting someone you know or did know a long time ago, go do it. Just take the time. You may indeed, never see that person again. And, if they do pass, you can go to the services, with no feelings of guilt.

Marybeth

 

[Bad Mad]

In Ireland, wakes and funerals are usually massive, particularly if the person who passed was young etc.

Personally, I despise going to wakes whenever it is a young person. However, I wouldn't consider not going. Call it narrowed minedness or whatever, but people would be hurt that you didn't come by to pay your last respects to their beloved. And to be honest I can understand this.

I can think of a young guy who died in car accident on New Years Eve past. His wake was massive. His mother and father got so much comfort seeing all the young people there, and in particular all the fellas that he played football with.

3 years past a young guy who was big star in our national sport (gaelic football) dropped dead of SADS (Sudden adult death syndrome). Turns out it was hypertropic cardiomiopathy.

I was at the funeral. There was in the region of 30,000 people or more there. Over the 2 nights of the wake there was a hell of a lot more people came to pay their respects. The family/local community even had to operate a bus service to take people from different points to the house.

When it is an old person (who has lived a long life), some of the wakes can end up with song and drink!!
And to be honest when the time comes for me to go I hope everyone chooses to remember me by having a great piss up and a sing song long into the night!!