Letters to the kids?

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ChicagoMammy

ChicagoMammy

Well-known member
Joined
Apr 28, 2011
Messages
109
Location
Chicago, IL
Did any of you write letters to your kids or make a video or anything. It's not that I think I'm going to die, it's just that we all know the odds of dying are a lot higher for me in the next 30 days than on a normal day. I do feel very mortal at the moment. After the last surgery I often thought I'd never make it off the table alive when I went for round two. Now that round two is in 10 days time I'm not so down about it, but obviously the scary thoughts seep in.

I just keep hugging the kids a little tighter these days and keep holding my 20 month old. It devastates me to think she wouldn't remember me if something bad happened. Okay - back to positive thinking :)
 
I think your odds of dying in the days around your surgery are actually *less* than normal. Here are some things not likely to kill you while you're in the hospital: car accident, bee stings, lightning strike . . . I could go on. You will be surrounded by medical personnel who know exactly what to do should anything go wrong, they will be able to diagnose a problem immediately (if you pass out walking down a street, how long will it take to get you to hospital??), and they have all the equipment and drugs there to fix any issues.

Relax - you will be in safe hands and let's face it, the only reason you need to write letters to your kids is if you *don't* have this surgery, cos ignoring the problem WILL kill you. :)
 
ChicagoMammy,
It is a very personal preference, I think. Some people feel less stressed if they write aforementioned letters to family and friends which helps them relax before the surgery. I have older kids so I did not feel the need to. But what I did however was to update our wills as well as catch up my wife on all financial details. It really helped me feel that I tied up all loose ends so my family wouldn't be left in the lurch should things go the other way. However, the chances of that happening are super slim to none. Good Luck.
 
Hi ChicagoMammy

I didn't write letters before my surgery to anyone coz it was kind of done in an emergency . But when I got pregnant (I have a mechanical AV) I was always dreading that something might happen to me during childbirth so I actually wrote to my then unborn daughter (but my husband got really upset when he saw it though. But I understand why you want to do it :) & if it makes you feel better you should then. but don't worry you will get through the surgery and be with your kids in no time.
 
Thanks for the feedback. I know the odds of my having a successful surgery and recovery are strongly in my favor, and that without it I would die within as little as a year. It still is daunting of course. I had a TIA, collapsed lung and lost a lot of blood in the 24 hours after my last surgery and it effected me mentally for a long time. They took me off all pain meds because of the TIA and I was in pure agony the first night after surgery. I imagine if everything had gone smoothly last time I would be a lot less nervous. They say second time around is easier mentally, but it isn't for me. Last time I was much more practical. I knew the odds were excellent and that most likely everything would be great. Don't get me wrong - the eventual outcome (a working valve) was achieved, and I know many people go through worse than what I went through. Most of the time I am positive, but now and again the memories from last time come back.

ManiSham - I think you're right - if it makes me feel better I'll do it. My mom actually suggested to write them (my older two) little notes - one a day - while I'm in hospital so they can read them and miss me less. That might be the way to go in terms of staying positive and putting something on paper.

enkaynj - I'm the financial controller in our house too. I've been putting together a spreadsheet for my husband of all our accounts, due dates, payment methods etc. Even if (when) everything goes well, he'll need to keep an eye on the finances for a week or two.

thanks again!
 
I thought it was prudent to make some basic preparations so I made a will for the first time and discussed it with my brother who was named as my executor. I also made arrangements with friends for my animals. I did think about writting letters but, instead, I decided to talk to each of the people who were important to me and tell them how much they meant to me. Why keep this a secret? For young children, there is the issue of memory. If I had young children, I would have wanted to leave them with a video where I could tell them what I was thinking and what I hoped for them. I would have considered reading some of my favorite poems and stories for them since video is so easy today. I think it would be a wonderful gift to leave children with one's voice. HOWEVER! You must remind yourself that these are just contingencies because very very few people have poor outcomes. You have every reason to expect an excellent outcome and because of surgery many years of life to which you can look forward.

Larry
 
Hi ChicagoMammy,

I am having aortic valve/graft surgery at Northwestern on Tuesday, March 18. Dr. Malaisrie is doing mine. Like everyone before us, the nerves are starting to kick in as we get closer but I am very confident that we are going to pull through this just fine. Maybe I'll see you at Northwestern and we can walk a few laps together!!
 
Sounds good Azzurri! I'll PM you my name and you can look out for me on the monitors! My colleagues cousin is in waiting for a transplant. Maybe we can all hang out!
 
I didn't write letters, too creepy for me. I did write a will the very last day before surgery, just to keep myself occupied. It was still creepy. The best thing I did before surgery is just spend more time with my family and friends, even if it was just sitting in the living room listening to them argue :)
 
I tried to write letters and just couldn't do it. I just didn't believe that I wouldn't survive, I guess.
 
ChicagoMammy,

I wrote letters a month before my surgery to my spouse, sisters, mother and father and two grown children. Made me feel better. Gave my letters to my children and sisters about 6 months after my AVR surgery. Husband doesn't want to read it. I also wrote in detail all passwords for our accounts. Made an 8 page detail about when the bills are due all or assets, how to pay the bills on line etc. Maybe it seems doom and gloom to others but it gave me a sense of peace. You will be fine. I am 10 months out and feel great anymore. Everyone has nerves and thinks about the what if. We will all be cheering you on for a quick recovery on March 20th.

AVR Onx-21mm, Dr. Glenn Barnhart, Swedish Medical Center, Seattle, WA. May 23, 2013.
 
Hello!
I'm "such a mom" that I totally had to respond to this thread of yours.
My AVR was almost 8 years ago. All 3 kids away in college at the time. I definitely wrote notes. As a matter of fact, they are still sealed in envelopes in a larger white envelope labeled "just in case" in my top dresser drawer. To that large white envelope I've continued to add notes! I mean if it isn't the heart surgery that gets me, something will! I figure it's a nice time capsule of thoughts and my ever-growing love for them (and hubby, too). I mean, hey.... just this last Christmas I was in ICU! Surprise!! I'd had a stroke!! I've written about it (here: http://www.valvereplacement.org/for...enosis-and-Aortic-Stenosis-related&highlight= ) After 3 days of tests I needed surgery and even though my family was right there the whole 4 days, I did ask the nurse for some notepaper and I wrote a note and tucked it into my iPad. Once I got home, I just slipped the note into that envelope. I kind of wish I'd thought to write them more often (not just in heavy times), but that is what a journal is, I suppose. No time for a journal!! ;o)

About a video.... they seem so staged. I don't know what you have to set it up with (video camera, iPhone, friend, spouse??) but I wonder if it might just be more endearing for them to watch you cook something and talk to the camera as if they were there (or of course any activity that you like; gardening music, whatever). I say this because it's the normal things about people that we miss; their gestures, inflection in their voice, their laugh. I had a very, very close bond with my father. He died of Alzheimer's -- it was a rough few years. Several years later I was making up a fun family video for the holidays using old clips......hearing his voice, oh! that was so sweet, to hear his voice!!

I hope I got this to you before your surgery. You will be fine, of course!! But I understand, we ALL understand, what you are feeling.
Very best wishes to you!!!!!
Marguerite
 
Thanks for the response Marguerite. I read your other thread. Wow - what a Christmas you had. I tried to write letters and got one sentence in and couldn't go on. I have done the letters in good times though, but not many. I wrote to my first when she was a few months old and wrote on the envelope for her to open at my age at the time (28) or when her first was her age at the time (3 months). I've done a couple of others but don't think I've anything for the baby. It does break my heart a little that she wouldn't remember me. I love the thought of normal family videos - especially for the voice. My voice is half gone at the moment, but there are some of me out there with a normal voice. Thanks for the wishes. It really does mean a lot.
 
I'm just the eternal optimist. My "final" communication to my family (wife and daughter, as well as other relatives hanging around) was something to the effect of "See you in a couple of hours." Looking back, I guess that positive thinking works, at least that time.
 
This is a topic that I was considering ahead of my surgery next week, but the optimism of this site has continued to be infectious! I am still toying with the idea of a letter to the fiancee but we will see.

Best of luck to you tomorrow! Things will go great and I am sure you are in good hands. I hope that all of the words of encouragement and success stories on this site have provided you with as much peace of mind as they have for me. It sounds like you have a lot to look forward to after the surgery, so keep your focus on that.

Best,
-John
 
Good luck for your surgery tomorrow, looking forward to hearing how easy and smooth your 2nd recovery went ☺
Deb xxx
 
Thanks for all the good wishes. I'm nervous but glad to be getting the job done. Instead of letters I've decided to spoil the kids instead so they're distracted with their new Lego and camera while I'm in the hospital making a record breaking quick recovery.
 
Chicago Mammy, wanted to let you know that I had successful heart valve surgery yesterday at Northwestern. You, too will have the same results and we'll be back on our feet in no time! Maybe I'll see you in the halls.
 
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