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pegne
I am challenging you guys to tell your funniest jokes in this thread. I had one posted but now I feel like it was way to racey. so I'm just going to sit back and read some of yours.
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Johnny Stephens
Well-known member
Rimshot
Rimshot
A business manager, an engineer, and a computer programmer are carpooling to an important meeting, when their car blows a tire. After pondering their situation for a while, the business manager, sitting in the backseat, opens his briefcase and begins doing some paperwork. "What are you doing?" the others ask. "I'm requisitioning a new tire," comes the reply.
More pondering by the other two. The engineer, who had been driving, pulls out his slide rule (I know, it's an old joke). "What are YOU doing?" he is asked. "Well, I'm calculating some important parameters for the new tire I'm designing."
'NO, NO, NO...move over!" Shouts the computer programmer.
"Why?" asks the engineer..
"I'm gonna try it again."
Rimshot
A business manager, an engineer, and a computer programmer are carpooling to an important meeting, when their car blows a tire. After pondering their situation for a while, the business manager, sitting in the backseat, opens his briefcase and begins doing some paperwork. "What are you doing?" the others ask. "I'm requisitioning a new tire," comes the reply.
More pondering by the other two. The engineer, who had been driving, pulls out his slide rule (I know, it's an old joke). "What are YOU doing?" he is asked. "Well, I'm calculating some important parameters for the new tire I'm designing."
'NO, NO, NO...move over!" Shouts the computer programmer.
"Why?" asks the engineer..
"I'm gonna try it again."
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Brad Nowak
I gotta get a life
I gotta get a life
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replied.
I gotta get a life
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later, and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinity or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replied.
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Brad Nowak
Gotta Love Drunk People
Gotta Love Drunk People
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him out?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" replies the drunk.
Gotta Love Drunk People
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him out?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is three in the morning and it is pouring out!"
"Well you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?"
"I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark,
"Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here, on the swing" replies the drunk.
Spot!
Spot!
A young man has been invited to his girl friend?s parents? home for the very first time, and he is really anxious about it, having never met her parents. Much to his dismay, on the evening of the visit he has a terrible case of intestinal gas. He calls his girl and tries to postpone the visit, but she is adamant ? her parents have been waiting a long time to meet her steady.
So, he goes for dinner. When his girlfriend?s mother meets him at the door and introduces herself, he sees that she is a very prim and proper lady. Now he is really worried! What if his gas gets out of control?
The mother invites him into the living room for a glass of wine before dinner. The family dog sits at his knee, near the wingback chair offered to him. While the mother is pouring wine, the young man feels the gas coming. He nervously shifts his cheeks on the chair and lets out a quiet ?brrrrt.? The lady looks over toward the young man and the family dog with a quizzical look on her face and says ?Spot!?
The young man thinks ?Wonderful ? I?m home free! It must be the dog.? Just then he feels another, much louder ?bzzzt? escape. The mother again looks his way and again says, much louder, ?Spot!? Again he thinks ?Wow, I?m glad she thinks it?s the dumb dog!?
Well, the young man and his girl?s mother visit for a few minutes longer, and he feels his gas really getting the better of him. This time, a loud and wet ?BRRRRACKK? emits from his chair cushion.
The lady, now clearly agitated, simply yells ?SPOT ? GET YOU?RE A$$ OVER HERE BEFORE HE CRAPS ALL OVER YOU!?
Time for a new boyfriend?
Spot!
A young man has been invited to his girl friend?s parents? home for the very first time, and he is really anxious about it, having never met her parents. Much to his dismay, on the evening of the visit he has a terrible case of intestinal gas. He calls his girl and tries to postpone the visit, but she is adamant ? her parents have been waiting a long time to meet her steady.
So, he goes for dinner. When his girlfriend?s mother meets him at the door and introduces herself, he sees that she is a very prim and proper lady. Now he is really worried! What if his gas gets out of control?
The mother invites him into the living room for a glass of wine before dinner. The family dog sits at his knee, near the wingback chair offered to him. While the mother is pouring wine, the young man feels the gas coming. He nervously shifts his cheeks on the chair and lets out a quiet ?brrrrt.? The lady looks over toward the young man and the family dog with a quizzical look on her face and says ?Spot!?
The young man thinks ?Wonderful ? I?m home free! It must be the dog.? Just then he feels another, much louder ?bzzzt? escape. The mother again looks his way and again says, much louder, ?Spot!? Again he thinks ?Wow, I?m glad she thinks it?s the dumb dog!?
Well, the young man and his girl?s mother visit for a few minutes longer, and he feels his gas really getting the better of him. This time, a loud and wet ?BRRRRACKK? emits from his chair cushion.
The lady, now clearly agitated, simply yells ?SPOT ? GET YOU?RE A$$ OVER HERE BEFORE HE CRAPS ALL OVER YOU!?
Time for a new boyfriend?
P
pegne
Those were great you guys What goes vroom screech, vroom screech, vroom screech? A blond at a flashing red light. Don't get mad at me all you blonds because as you can see I am one of you.
What goes vroom screech, vroom screech, vroom screech? A blond at a flashing red light. Don't get mad at me all you blonds because as you can see I am one of you.Gone Fishin'
Gone Fishin'
Peggy, my daughter is a "sometimes" blonde, so:
A vivacious young blonde lady (up in the U.P., yah!) decided she wanted to go ice fishing.
She loaded all of her gear onto a toboggan and dragged it across the ice. She drilled a hole in the ice, tied on her favorite lure, and got ready to drop her line through the hole.
Just as she was dropping the lure, she heard a huge voice shout ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.?
She thought she was hearing things, so she again got ready to drop the line.
Again she heard the huge ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.?
She shook her head, picked up all her gear, and trekked a couple of dozen yards across the ice, where she laboriously drilled another hole, and made ready to drop her line.
Just as she was ready to drop the lure, again she heard ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!?
The young blonde looked up and shouted ?Is that you, God??
The answer came back ?No, lady. I?m just the rink manager, and I can promise you that there are NO fish under this ice!?
Gone Fishin'
Peggy, my daughter is a "sometimes" blonde, so:
A vivacious young blonde lady (up in the U.P., yah!) decided she wanted to go ice fishing.
She loaded all of her gear onto a toboggan and dragged it across the ice. She drilled a hole in the ice, tied on her favorite lure, and got ready to drop her line through the hole.
Just as she was dropping the lure, she heard a huge voice shout ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.?
She thought she was hearing things, so she again got ready to drop the line.
Again she heard the huge ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.?
She shook her head, picked up all her gear, and trekked a couple of dozen yards across the ice, where she laboriously drilled another hole, and made ready to drop her line.
Just as she was ready to drop the lure, again she heard ?THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!?
The young blonde looked up and shouted ?Is that you, God??
The answer came back ?No, lady. I?m just the rink manager, and I can promise you that there are NO fish under this ice!?
B
Bunny_Rabbit
A 90 year old man goes to the doctor and asks the doctor to check his sperm count. The doctor agrees (reluctantly) and hands the old man a specimen jar to fill. "Bring this back to me when you fill it" says the doctor.
At the next visit the old man hands the jar back to the doctor empty. The doctor asks "whats wrong, why didn't you fill it?". The old man says "I tried". "I tried with my right hand...nothing. I tried with my left hand...nothing. I called my wife in and she tried with her right hand...again, nothing. She tried with her left hand...nothing. She tried with her mouth, and still, nothing. So my wife and I called in the neighbour lady to see if she could help". "You called in the neighbour lady?!?" asked the doctor. The old man says "yeah, she tried with her right hand...nothing. She tried with her left hand...nothing. She tried with her mouth...and STILL, nothing". The doctor is in shock with what he's just heard. The old man calmly says, "between the three of us, not one of us could get the lid off this jar!".
At the next visit the old man hands the jar back to the doctor empty. The doctor asks "whats wrong, why didn't you fill it?". The old man says "I tried". "I tried with my right hand...nothing. I tried with my left hand...nothing. I called my wife in and she tried with her right hand...again, nothing. She tried with her left hand...nothing. She tried with her mouth, and still, nothing. So my wife and I called in the neighbour lady to see if she could help". "You called in the neighbour lady?!?" asked the doctor. The old man says "yeah, she tried with her right hand...nothing. She tried with her left hand...nothing. She tried with her mouth...and STILL, nothing". The doctor is in shock with what he's just heard. The old man calmly says, "between the three of us, not one of us could get the lid off this jar!".
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Deb1125wa
Blonde Joke
Blonde Joke
No offense to the blondes (I used to be one!) but here's a cute blonde joke.....
Why do blonde nurses carry red crayons?
....In case they have to "draw" blood!
Blonde Joke
No offense to the blondes (I used to be one!) but here's a cute blonde joke.....
Why do blonde nurses carry red crayons?
....In case they have to "draw" blood!
M
mamsram
A 78 yr. old man goes to his dr. to make appointments for blood tests for his upcoming marriage.
" who you marrying John?" "that little blond girl that works at the diner."
"Why, she isn't anymore than 20 yrs, old."
" I know", he said with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes."
"Well let me give you some advice, not as your Dr., but as a friend. After you get married you better take in a boarder"
"O.K., I'll think about it."
Months go by, John tells his Dr. he wants to make an appointment for his wife.
"Whats wrong?" asked the Dr.
"She's pregnant"
" You took my advice and took in a boader?"
" Yep, She's pregnant too."
" who you marrying John?" "that little blond girl that works at the diner."
"Why, she isn't anymore than 20 yrs, old."
" I know", he said with a smile and a twinkle in his eyes."
"Well let me give you some advice, not as your Dr., but as a friend. After you get married you better take in a boarder"
"O.K., I'll think about it."
Months go by, John tells his Dr. he wants to make an appointment for his wife.
"Whats wrong?" asked the Dr.
"She's pregnant"
" You took my advice and took in a boader?"
" Yep, She's pregnant too."
hensylee
Well-known member
Priceless! Every one - especially the swing one, Brad. Can't wait to read more. I will have one in a week or so - my mind, you know.
Clean One
Clean One
Ann and I are having a hard time trying to find a clean one 2 blondes were being chased by a policeman with his blue flashing lights going..The Blonde driver ask her blonde passenger to turn around and see if he was still behind her? She replied...Yes, No..Yes, No, yes, no yes, no yes no......
Clean One
Ann and I are having a hard time trying to find a clean one
2 blondes were being chased by a policeman with his blue flashing lights going..The Blonde driver ask her blonde passenger to turn around and see if he was still behind her? She replied...Yes, No..Yes, No, yes, no yes, no yes no......
hensylee
Well-known member
I got one, I got one! I stole it but here it is:
Secretary of State - Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi journalist and accusingly asked "Isn't it true that only 13% of the young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Secretary Powell stopped and turned and then stated "Yes, you are correct. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are United States Marines."
Secretary of State - Colin Powell was recently approached by an Iraqi journalist and accusingly asked "Isn't it true that only 13% of the young Americans can locate Iraq on a map?" Secretary Powell stopped and turned and then stated "Yes, you are correct. But unfortunately for you, all 13% are United States Marines."
Found another couple. Sorry if I may offend any attorneys out there, but I assure you it is all in fun!
Question: How many attorney jokes are there?
Answer: Only 3 -- the rest are all true stories.
Question: What do they call the attorney with the lowest IQ?
Answer: "Your Honor"
Question: How many attorney jokes are there?
Answer: Only 3 -- the rest are all true stories.
Question: What do they call the attorney with the lowest IQ?
Answer: "Your Honor"
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pillarpaul
More blonde fun
More blonde fun
OK, since Steve and Peg both opened the door to blonde jokes here's one I heard last summer while in your state (actually, it was told by a blonde waitress at my cousin's place in Lake Geneva - almost Illinois).
A blonde was out in a corn field sitting in a kayak and "rowing" when another blonde happened to drive by and saw this. Disgusted, the blonde in the car pulled over and jumped out. She then yelled at the blonde in the kayak, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name. And if I knew how to swim I'd come over there and kick your a$$."
Paul
More blonde fun
OK, since Steve and Peg both opened the door to blonde jokes here's one I heard last summer while in your state (actually, it was told by a blonde waitress at my cousin's place in Lake Geneva - almost Illinois).
A blonde was out in a corn field sitting in a kayak and "rowing" when another blonde happened to drive by and saw this. Disgusted, the blonde in the car pulled over and jumped out. She then yelled at the blonde in the kayak, "It's blondes like you that give the rest of us blondes a bad name. And if I knew how to swim I'd come over there and kick your a$$."
Paul
M
mamsram
Racial profiling in Georgia 1958
A guy driving too fast barely made it rounding a curve in the road ,but unfortunatly, there were two black guys walking in the road. He couldn't help it, he plowed into them. A georgia cop was soon on the scene. He asked no questions, surveyed the scene, and took out his book."what are you doing?" the driver asked. "I'm bringing criminal charges against these two men." said the cop. " What charges?" asked the driver.
" well, this guy that went thru the windshield and into the back seat is being charged with breaking and entering and the guy that landed down the road is charged with leaving the scene of an accident."
A guy driving too fast barely made it rounding a curve in the road ,but unfortunatly, there were two black guys walking in the road. He couldn't help it, he plowed into them. A georgia cop was soon on the scene. He asked no questions, surveyed the scene, and took out his book."what are you doing?" the driver asked. "I'm bringing criminal charges against these two men." said the cop. " What charges?" asked the driver.
" well, this guy that went thru the windshield and into the back seat is being charged with breaking and entering and the guy that landed down the road is charged with leaving the scene of an accident."
C
ccrawford
Generation Gap
Generation Gap
An elderly gentleman was sitting on a park bench, when a young punk rocker came along and sat down. The Punker had a spike haircut and each spike was dyed a different color-red, green,blue, orange,yellow. The old man was fascinated and stared at the haircut for a long time. Finally the punker said "Whattaya lookin at old man-didn't you ever do anything crazy in your life ?"The old man replied "Got drunk once-made love to a parrot. Thought maybe you might be my son."
Generation Gap
An elderly gentleman was sitting on a park bench, when a young punk rocker came along and sat down. The Punker had a spike haircut and each spike was dyed a different color-red, green,blue, orange,yellow. The old man was fascinated and stared at the haircut for a long time. Finally the punker said "Whattaya lookin at old man-didn't you ever do anything crazy in your life ?"The old man replied "Got drunk once-made love to a parrot. Thought maybe you might be my son."
