First doubts today

[almost_hectic]

Really having a low evening looking at where I am 2 weeks post-op. I know I'll get better, but all at once the future hit me and it was a bit overwhelming. I'll never be normal, for the rest of my life. I'll always have issues, INR, meds, bleeding, alcohol, diet... The days of just living are over. I'll forever have to explain to new people in my life why I can't do things. Why my chest ticks. Why I have to take medicine and blood tests constantly. I feel too young for this. I'm active, I'm single. I have a high stress career I don't even know quite how to return to once I'm healed? or if I want to/should... I know none of these issues will kill me by any means, but it also does t sound much like living...

 

[harrietW]

I am sorry Almost_hectic. . Hopefully it's just a moment you are having but it is alot to think about. You have a whole life ahead of you and l hope it will be a beautiful one. I would think many have those feeling post surgery. Although l remember having many similar thoughts and feeling when l was first diagnosed.
Much love to you and l will pray that this passes quickly for you. Xx

 

[pellicle]

Hi there


sorry to hear you're feeling down ... I guess this is a good time to remind you that post operative depression is real, and that you feel really low is a result of chemistry as much as anything else. It does not feel less real, but just wanted to let you know it passes

Really having a low evening looking at where I am 2 weeks post-op. I know I'll get better, but all at once the future hit me and it was a bit overwhelming.

indeed .. often things take time to seep in. I use the expression "grok" (from Stranger in a Strange Land https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grok)

I'll never be normal, for the rest of my life.

well I've been "normal" and I can say its 'over rated'

I'll always have issues, INR, meds, bleeding, alcohol, diet...

well as it happens if you don't die young then this is the cost for 90% of us in aging. Some need insulin, some need blood pressure pills, others need cancer treatments ... I know that's cold comfort, but the truth is that you could have been (like my friend) ill, gone to hospital, got a virus, had your spleen destroyed and be diabetic (with reduced lifespan) for no reason at all...

The days of just living are over.

and are replaced by the days of living really knowing each day , really cherishing each day, not just wasting them, not just ignoring your health, really appreciating it.

I'll forever have to explain to new people in my life why I can't do things.

yeah ... imagine how it is for people with kids - "I can't come out an get hammered tonight, I've got to keep my job to pay my mortgage"

and really, what is it you won't be able to do? Look around here for those of us who are on warfarin who (like me) post that I do everything I ever did before ... probably more.

Why I have to take medicine and blood tests constantly.

remember the diabetics ... my mate was only 30 when diabetes hit him ...

'm active, I'm single. I have a high stress career I don't even know quite how to return to once I'm healed?

well then, its perhaps better than having a heart attack because of the high stress career because you didn't pay attention to yourself?

Your body is a temple ... respect it.

let me know if you want to hook up for a chinwag ... PM me and I can make time to chat and listen.

 

[dick0236]

.............but it also does t sound much like living...

Your post brought back a flood of memories to me. What I can tell you is none of the things I dreaded came true. The "what have I done" and "what iffs" are some of the issues we all have and you will come thru this period OK. Reach out to support groups like this site and also to professional counseling if those feelings persist. I struggled thru a "big boys don't cry" post surgery attitude and that caused me many more difficulties than the mechanical valve ever caused. Your life will probably change a little......but not nearly as much as you think.

 

[Agian]

Really having a low evening looking at where I am 2 weeks post-op. I know I'll get better, but all at once the future hit me and it was a bit overwhelming. I'll never be normal, for the rest of my life. I'll always have issues, INR, meds, bleeding, alcohol, diet... The days of just living are over. I'll forever have to explain to new people in my life why I can't do things. Why my chest ticks. Why I have to take medicine and blood tests constantly. I feel too young for this. I'm active, I'm single. I have a high stress career I don't even know quite how to return to once I'm healed? or if I want to/should... I know none of these issues will kill me by any means, but it also does t sound much like living...

I take tablets now. No big deal. blood pressure, cholesterol etc etc. If I didn't take my tablets, my BP would hit 170/110 minimum, within weeks. So I guess I'm dependent on tablets to stay well. Join the club.
Blood tests constantly? Well, not really. A finger prick once a week... Diabetics do this every day.
What things wouldn't you be able to do post op? Most people here can do everything they could do before surgery and more.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be clever. I'll get my turn soon enough.
Crying is healthy. Chin up.

 

[Paleowoman]

Hi almost - I'm really sorry to hear how you are feeling right now. You've been through a lot, heart surgery is major surgery. To your body and brain and nervous system while you were unconcious in surgery it would have felt as though you were being mortally attacked - and you couldn't run away or fight, you were helpless - and this has a huge effect on how you feel post surgery. It takes time to heal from that trauma. You will feel more 'normal' again one day but it does take time and adjustment..

The fact that you're having to take medicines and have blood tests frequently is something so common these days with many conditions that I think, I hope, it will be something you will be able to come to terms with as part of modern medicine, not just for heart valvers but for all sorts of other conditions. I know that's no consolation, it's just an explanation.

I hope you have a better day today, but if you don't please remember it's very early days for you yet and you need to hang in there. Do you have someone you can talk to about this ?

 

[Agian]

I've been taking tablets since I was 17. I'm healther than most people my age.
I've never thought about it before, but for someone never having to take tablets before, suddenly being told they need them might be upsetting.
Eventually, you would have needed to take 'something'.

 

[Paleowoman]

Yes, I was going to say, though I know it's no consolation to you almost_hectic as you are feeling right now so soon after surgery, but I test my blood once, sometimes twice a day as I am diabetic. I also need to be careful of diet - certainly have to stick to very low carb and take medication. Same with my osteoporosis, I need medication every for that day. And with my respiratory problem I need to use a preventer inhaler twice a day, BUT since the diagnoses of those things I have actually got healthier ! You would think with my list of things I would be unhealthy, but no, quite the reverse because having those diagnoses has meant I take a lot more care of myself than I would have otherwise. I'm more healthy, fit and strong now than I was in my 20s or 40s - really, I am not kidding.

 

[cldlhd]

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way but as many say it's common post surgery. I'm not on warfarin and there are no pills I NEED to take daily, although my cardiologist seems to love statins even though my lipid tests are well within normal range, but I do take some supplements everyday ( krlll oil, coq10, multi ). I don't know if it helps but when my surgeon could tell I was feeling a bit down to paraphrase he said " hey what you have isn't that bad a lot of people have it a lot worse". I thought about that and there is a long list of much worse illnesses and medical diagnoses- stage 4 cancer, Lou Gehrigs disease ,etc... If this was 70 yrs ago and they told you there was nothing they could do about it but in the future there will be a replacement valve that lasts for life but you would have to take a pill a day you would jump at the chance. Also I'm thankful to be in a country , and an area, with great medical technology and doctors that are available to me. I try to imagine what it would be like to have something like this and live in a 3rd world country. There are a lot of people with mechanical valves that don't have regular access to warfarin.
I'm sure you've probably thought of a lot of this already so not sure if it helps but I'm also pretty sure a few months from now you'll feel different and look back at this as an aberration.

 

[epstns]

Well, almost, I think the others have given you some very valid, valuable advice. There are many of us (myself included) who are not the same as we were before valve surgery, but our "new normal" is far better than it would have been had we chosen not to have the surgery. As Anne, Dick and pellicle have said, life is not constrained after surgery. Yes, it may be different. But no, it is not limited because of the surgery or the required medications. They have done whatever they felt was right to do, and just accommodated it in their health management. In my own way, I have done the same.

It is OK to give yourself time to "grieve" for the life that was. This is part of the common post-op emotional roller coaster. Just don't dwell on it, allow yourself time to heal, and you will find yourself getting on with your new life.

Life is good.

 

[almost_hectic]

I think that's a healthy way to look at it. Thanks to all of you for the needed perspective! I find myself very emotional at certain moments and just very sensitive to things lately. Don't know if that's meds or surgery or what. Sometimes it's good feelings other times it's probably not. But I need to look at this as my second life as my first prolly wouldn't have lasted much longer had it not been for surgical intervention.

Recovery means lots of time to kill and it means my mind can wander. I need to look for positive channels for this

 

[Vincent63]

Good luck .... And remember it is only two weeks since surgery and feeling sh**ty at times is ok ... Every week will make a difference and I am sure there will be a few tough days ahead but thousands of good ones ... I actually remember having similar thoughts to some of yours when I gave up booze over 20 years ago ... But in the end I found that people we meet accept us for who we are in the most part and the condition does not define who we are if we don't let it ... . Many of us that "only" had a valve replacement get better quite quickly ... There are so many other conditions that can't be made better ... I for one am grateful to be on the road to recovery .. 4 weeks ahead of you ... You too will find that every week makes a difference .. Even when tough things happen during that week. Take care of yourself

 

[honeybunny]

As Steve said, you've gotten some pretty good -- and encouraging -- advice from folks who have been down the same road. Sounds like you are grieving the loss of your pre-surgery life and, as with all grieving, the process requires baby steps to work through. If my experience, if you acknowledge your emotional pain and sit on the pity-pot for awhile you rebound more quickly than you do if you stuff your emotions. And when you are down like today, swing by here where you've got a great support group to lift you up. That is what I will be doing when I am in your shoes 6-8 weeks from now.

 

[AZ Don]

There should be very few things that you can't or shouldn't do, but it's well worth it to try to focus on the things that you can and want to do. You're only 2 weeks out right now. It may be easier to feel better about your future when you are 2 months out and back to feeling normal physically. Good luck.

 

[Lawdog]

Hectic: I am feeling all of the same things you are feeling.

Sunday afternoon, I was seeing flashes in my left eye that were totally obstructing my vision. Called the surgeon. PA told me to immediately go to the emergency room, because, being less than two-weeks post-surgery, I may have been having a stroke. Went to ER, was admitted to the hospital for two days, just got out this morning, so that they could determine whether or not I was having a stroke. No stroke, thankfully. Nevertheless, these are some of the fears we face as cardiac patients. I am just thankful that the technology exists to fix us and, after we recover, that we will feel and be better than we were before. A pill a day is not that big of a deal in the grand scope of things. Our lives are different, no doubt, but that doesn't mean that they have to be any less satisfying. I just cannot wait to heal in order to start living life again.

 

[almost_hectic]

Oh man, sorry to hear that. Last thing in the world I'd want to do right now is go back to the hospital. Such a bummer!! Different is the word for sure. I guess it's all going to take time and I'm running low on patience, sitting around not being able to do anything has gotten really old. Easy to tell when I overdo it cuz I'm wiped out. Hardest things for me are#1 sleeping, I can't sleep for ****, mostly do to meds I think. #2 all this sitting around as well as not sleeping has made me osteoarthritis kinda cranky. But I can't do the exercises I would normally do to take care of it.

 

[MethodAir]

You just gotta try and ride out this initial super crappy feeling...it is wearing, it's always there. I had real sleep issues too at that stage, couldn't do the things that made me feel normal (Transcendental Meditation did not work in that state). Eventually, you get little moments of light. I week goes by, and you look back at the week before and go 'I remember when...'. When you have some arm mobility, you can start to integrate some yoga or whatever you do, and the recovery pace starts to pick up.

 

[Tank]

I to am 2 weeks post-op as of tomorrow and am feeling many of the same things you are feeling only miles away in a different state. This is my 2nd go around and I surely don't remember the first one knocking my thing in the dirt like this. It's hard not to reflect back on the way I used to be but it takes time to heal. Hectic, I wish I could say that I was as active as you in the past and before many back surgeries I was active, I also feel that you will do good with this you just can't let depression interfere. Here I sit 10 years later with the same Lazy Boy swallowing up my total being, but I refuse to let it drag me down, hell I got more back surgeries to look forward to after I heal from this. Hang in there man, you have a lot of people on this website pulling for you and it does take time. Read some of the forums and continue to talk with people on the site, you will do fine. Thanx, Tank.

 

[almost_hectic]

Thanks guys, you're right I need to be patient! It's far too soon to get caught up in feeling crappy like this. I've got too much progress yet to make. Working at it as much as I can, walking helps but to Florida sun is sweltering this time of year so it's difficult just to go outside. Baby step!

 

[Paleowoman]

walking helps but to Florida sun is sweltering this time of year so it's difficult just to go outside. Baby step!

It was winter, cold and wet, when I had surgery, definitley couldn't go out so it was walk to and fro in the living room, it all helps !