Seems that every time I come, I come to complain. Last time I complained about my pump head. I'd thank all of you who replied. Your replies made me feel not totally ignored by the world. Luckily, I was still able to land a job I like. Now, new question comes. I just met this girl I like. I thought I would take this kind of stuffs easy since my last girl friend left me 1 year ago. But now I realize it is not that easy. This girl almost brings me back to the good old time when I was with my first love. I know I have to tell her about my heart condition. But when? I don't want to scare her away too early. I don't want to hold it too long to make her feel like I am cheating her. Any suggestions? Any success stories? Thanks.
When to tell
- Thread starter dennie
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geebee
Dennie,
I don't think there is a tried and true method for determining when to discuss your heart history. I think if you just let the relationship develop the time will come when you are both talking about your pasts and it will seem appropriate. Obviously you will probably want to talk about it before you get intimate as it will be apparent (unless chest hair covers your scar) but, that aside, I think you will find there is a time when talking about it will be easy.
Try not to fret over it.
I don't think there is a tried and true method for determining when to discuss your heart history. I think if you just let the relationship develop the time will come when you are both talking about your pasts and it will seem appropriate. Obviously you will probably want to talk about it before you get intimate as it will be apparent (unless chest hair covers your scar) but, that aside, I think you will find there is a time when talking about it will be easy.
Try not to fret over it.
P
Phyllis
Dennie, if she really is the right one- it won't matter at all. She will be in it for the long haul, in sickness and in health. I think you are right in thinking that it is better to be honest up front. Best wishes!
S
swatig
Hi Dennei,
Went through your mail and it reminded of the time when I was going around with the guy who is my husband now. I dint have the surgery till then and would be having it now after one year of our marriage.
I belong to India where love marriage is considered a big thing and a girl who has a heart problem asking for it is even worse, I told my husband about my condition when we started knowing each other and were just friends and we dint even realise when we fell for each other.
Getting married wasnt an easy decision for him coz he had to tell his parents about it as their consent was extremly important. Fortunatly they also said yes after meeting me a couple of times and today when I have to undergo surgeory these are the people who are standing by me and say that nothing is predictable in life and what if he would have got married to some one else and she would have met with an accident and had to undergo some surgery.
If she loves you she will stand by you in thin and thick. None of us know whats going to happen tommorow, so dont worry if she is meant to be yours she will be.
Swati
Went through your mail and it reminded of the time when I was going around with the guy who is my husband now. I dint have the surgery till then and would be having it now after one year of our marriage.
I belong to India where love marriage is considered a big thing and a girl who has a heart problem asking for it is even worse, I told my husband about my condition when we started knowing each other and were just friends and we dint even realise when we fell for each other.
Getting married wasnt an easy decision for him coz he had to tell his parents about it as their consent was extremly important. Fortunatly they also said yes after meeting me a couple of times and today when I have to undergo surgeory these are the people who are standing by me and say that nothing is predictable in life and what if he would have got married to some one else and she would have met with an accident and had to undergo some surgery.
If she loves you she will stand by you in thin and thick. None of us know whats going to happen tommorow, so dont worry if she is meant to be yours she will be.
Swati
C
Curtsmum
Tell her now and get it out of the way, anybody who as a problem with it, is not worth being with anyway. I have brought my son up to be proud of his scar, so hopefully he wont encounter these problems when he gets old enough for relationships. Best of luck hope it all goes well. Paula
hensylee
Well-known member
tell her now before you get too attached and before she, too, becomes attached to you - just in case. If the situation was reversed wouldn't you want to know right off? It's only fair. Probly won't make a difference at all, but you will have your worries taken care of and can move on to other things. Good luck.
Dennie,
Let me know how it goes. It's been 9 months since my surgery and I'm getting the urge to go back onto Mactch.com to find someone (the last guy didn't work out). I'll face the same problem you're facing now. I know the first coffee date is not the time, but how soon is always a challenge.
Good luck! I hope the girl continues to be crazy about you!!
Let me know how it goes. It's been 9 months since my surgery and I'm getting the urge to go back onto Mactch.com to find someone (the last guy didn't work out). I'll face the same problem you're facing now. I know the first coffee date is not the time, but how soon is always a challenge.
Good luck! I hope the girl continues to be crazy about you!!
A
Adam 12-21-05
Here's a pretty good success story for you:
I told my girlfriend.
She cried.
I cried.
We're getting married in July.
Go for it! What do you have to lose?
Cheers,
Adam
I told my girlfriend.
She cried.
I cried.
We're getting married in July.
Go for it! What do you have to lose?
Cheers,
Adam
As for you and your girl friend get a little dating time in before you tell her. My daughter is dating a guy who mom has always been gay. If he had told my daughter in the very beginning of their relationship they probably would not be a couple today. This summer he is going on vacation with our family. One way to bring us the subject of your heart is:
Ask your girl friend if she knows who Arnold Schwarzenegger is? Then ask her if she knew that Arnold had his heart valve replace in 1997 because he had congenital bicuspid aortic valve? Then you can tell her that you and Arnold have something in common. Years ago when I found out that I will one day need my valve replaces; I found it comforting when the doctor told Arnold had his valve replace.
Ask your girl friend if she knows who Arnold Schwarzenegger is? Then ask her if she knew that Arnold had his heart valve replace in 1997 because he had congenital bicuspid aortic valve? Then you can tell her that you and Arnold have something in common. Years ago when I found out that I will one day need my valve replaces; I found it comforting when the doctor told Arnold had his valve replace.
Hi Dennie,
You are getting some good advice here....I'm going to go along with the idea of see her a few times, and then ask her if she is familiar with Arnold Schwarzenegger's situation. Bill clinton, Regis Philbin, and David Letterman have all had OHS. It helps to know that OHS is not to be feared.
Don't leave her in the dark too long though, that would not be fair.
Best wishes!
You are getting some good advice here....I'm going to go along with the idea of see her a few times, and then ask her if she is familiar with Arnold Schwarzenegger's situation. Bill clinton, Regis Philbin, and David Letterman have all had OHS. It helps to know that OHS is not to be feared.
Don't leave her in the dark too long though, that would not be fair.
Best wishes!
WayneGM
Well-known member
I assume she hasn't seen the scar yet My sense is that the bigger the deal you make of it the bigger the deal she'll think it is.
The other day I was wearing a button down shirt at work and the buttons were undone one button too many. Somebody who didn't know I had OHS couldn't help but notice and pointed out the scar was showing and asked about it. I explained I had OHS and they were astounded because they couldn't tell. I explained many have OHS and life returns to normal afterwards. My point is that if you demonstrate that you can get on with life after AVR without fear, she will probably be more confident and comfortable with it.
Perhaps, showing "a little scar" may prompt the question and pave the way to having the conversation like I had with my co-worker. Any like I said, I'm no expert in dating, but I believe in having open, honest, and natural conversations. Good luck, and hope things work out if "this is the one".
My sense is that the bigger the deal you make of it the bigger the deal she'll think it is.The other day I was wearing a button down shirt at work and the buttons were undone one button too many. Somebody who didn't know I had OHS couldn't help but notice and pointed out the scar was showing and asked about it. I explained I had OHS and they were astounded because they couldn't tell. I explained many have OHS and life returns to normal afterwards. My point is that if you demonstrate that you can get on with life after AVR without fear, she will probably be more confident and comfortable with it.
Perhaps, showing "a little scar" may prompt the question and pave the way to having the conversation like I had with my co-worker. Any like I said, I'm no expert in dating, but I believe in having open, honest, and natural conversations. Good luck, and hope things work out if "this is the one".
Thanks guys, for all the good advices. I think I have personally accepted this fact pretty well. But my ex girl friend made a really big deal out of it, which makes me worry that other girls may be the same, too. Anyway, wish me good luck. I will keep you posted. But, we have only seen each other once and she is not my girl friend yet. And, she seems to be so busy that I failed to ask her out in the past week. Uhm, I will try again in a few minutes. So nervous. As a 30 something man, am I a little crazy?
But, we have only seen each other once and she is not my girl friend yet. And, she seems to be so busy that I failed to ask her out in the past week. Uhm, I will try again in a few minutes. So nervous. As a 30 something man, am I a little crazy?
Dennie:
I'm putting myself in the shoes of your girlfriend. If you are very health and have no outward health issues, I would be tempted to wait until the right opportunity presents itself and mention your surgery as an afterthought or nonchalantly.
"That reminds me of when I had my heart surgery ..." and segue into a conversation. Let her ask you about the surgery. Be upbeat about it and the fact that heart surgery isn't just for middle-aged folks or senior citizens. That great strides have been made in cardiac research & surgery, diagnosing conditions much sooner than previously, allowing people to have repairs/replacements much more safely and to be able to live a long life.
And that you will be one of those.
Good luck! I'm sure things will go just fine.
I'm putting myself in the shoes of your girlfriend. If you are very health and have no outward health issues, I would be tempted to wait until the right opportunity presents itself and mention your surgery as an afterthought or nonchalantly.
"That reminds me of when I had my heart surgery ..." and segue into a conversation. Let her ask you about the surgery. Be upbeat about it and the fact that heart surgery isn't just for middle-aged folks or senior citizens. That great strides have been made in cardiac research & surgery, diagnosing conditions much sooner than previously, allowing people to have repairs/replacements much more safely and to be able to live a long life.
And that you will be one of those.
Good luck! I'm sure things will go just fine.
Ross
Well-known member
Dennie I'd just tell her and get it out of the way. Last thing you want is to make her feel lead on, if she's the type that would feel like that. Most aren't, but I have met a few. Really, if she feels strongly for you, it's going to be irrelevent. Now why do you have a heart condition? Were you not fixed?
Marty
Well-known member
Dennie, Tell her right off. If you had AIDS you'd tell her and heart surgery is a lot more respectable than that. I was old when I had my surgery but darned if it didn't seem to rekindle our romance.
dennie said:Thanks guys, for all the good advices. I think I have personally accepted this fact pretty well. But my ex girl friend made a really big deal out of it, which makes me worry that other girls may be the same, too. Anyway, wish me good luck. I will keep you posted.
Hey... If you have only seen her once who knows....you might not even like her. I think you are worring about nothing. If things progress she will figure it out when you turn the lights on
Cooker
Dennie
Reminds me of the time I thought about my daughter who at the time was a single mother. My answer to myself was that she was lucky since the person she would end up with would be a very special person. You will know what the measure of a person is when you tell her.
Reminds me of the time I thought about my daughter who at the time was a single mother. My answer to myself was that she was lucky since the person she would end up with would be a very special person. You will know what the measure of a person is when you tell her.
C
Curtsmum
Cooker you really make me laugh and cheer me up.cooker said:Hey... If you have only seen her once who knows....you might not even like her. I think you are worring about nothing. If things progress she will figure it out when you turn the lights on
Dennie, good luck in asking her out, hope it works for you
hensylee
Well-known member
nervous? that's just fine. Girls think we are the nervous ones; we hardly believe that guys are nervous, too. Go for it. And when you tell her, will you let us know. We have had this question before and when it comes up again, we like to have ready answers. Good luck and Blessins........
