Physical vs. Mental Recovery

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LindaVA

Hi Ya'll
I realize that in writing this thread I'm going to sound awfully ungrateful for the physical aspect of recovery, and almost shoving it in everyone's face and so help me, that's not my point.

I'm 10 days post op from MV repair by heart port. My problem is that my body is totally surpassing my mind in terms of recovery and I don't know what to do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I should be happy. I'm 38, already exercising 40 minutes a day, no naps, no pain meds, pretty much functioning 90%, oh, pity me, right, can you hear little violin's playing?

I just feel like I worked so hard to be the "model" that everyone expected of me, the athletic woman who would bounce back in no time and did, but what about HOW I FEEL INSIDE?

Its like I've already proven I can get up, take a shower, do laundry, function pretty much completely, and I dont want to say now the sympathy is over, but it is-- don't know if a day in bed would be tolerated by anyone at this point anymore.

Yesterday on my treadmill I had my head phones on and I was walking away having a good old time dancing all by myself (dangerous on a treadmill, I know!) and I just started bawling my eyes out. Don't know why. At once I felt so grateful for my body's functioning, and so sad, too. This wave of every emotion just hit me all at once.

I feel so strong on the outside, yet fragile inside. I'm so very changed and I can't put my finger on it. Don't know if I'm a better person, a more grateful person, but I feel like I had this brush with something so immense.

Its funny, b/c I am very religious and was so very religious before the operation, but now I don't find myself praying that much after-- is that part of the healing process- b/c I feel like maybe prayer is focusing me in on it too much? Maybe I just want to move past it too quickly. I don't think one can-- that moment I had on the treadmill was so real and so raw, so cathartic and needed. I'm just trying to figure out what needs to heal psychologically speaking.

It's like I never gave myself, before or after, the much needed "curl up into a ball cry,"and I feel now its seeping out in other ways..... Am I disappointed that the attention is gone, what is it? Or is it something I need to find in myself?

I don't feel like I have the right to have a psychological "need." God forbid, I didn't have cancer or even an iffy heart diagnosis. I had no complicating factors, and was almost guaranteed complete recovery. Because of my youth and physical condition, everyone just treated me like I was having a tooth pulled. Maybe I resent everyone (family, doctors, friends) for minimizing it?

There are many on this board who have suffered through a whole heck of a lot and have every right to need to heal mentally. I didn't go through a whole lot-- or did I?

Sorry for the rant.

Linda VA
---------------------
3/9 MV Repair by Heart Port, U Penn Presby
 
RE: Physical vs. Mental Recovery

I know what you're talking about. No one realizes how impactful heart surgery can be on the patient except the patient. I felt a little of that, and just had to realized how blessed I was to have the people around me to take care of me for the days when things were really tough. I can't expect them to be as moved by it as I am because it didn't happen to them.

Now I have reached a point at which I don't want to even talk about it. I am OVER it. I am tired of being a "patient" and I am ready to do all of the things that I love. I find myself hoping that no one will ask me about it.

Whatever you do, don't stop talking to God. You are so blessed that things went so well! I would thanks God every day (literally) for that. It didn't have to turn out that way. It wasn't (and isn't) guaranteed.

Hope that helps! Thanks for opening up like that. Now I know it's not just me....

Steve
 
Linda,

I wrote a college paper (went to college in my 30's) about OHS entitled, "Open Heart Surgery - The Physical Is The Easy Part".

Even after 3 OHS, I still feel that way. We all know how to treat the pain, we all know how to get back into top physical condition (okay - maybe not top);) :D but there is little guidance for how to deal with the emotions.

You need to give in to the sobbing, spend a day in bed if you want (to heck with what others think), have an extra piece of chocolate. Recovery is a time also to pamper yourself mentally and simply acknowledge that you have faced death and won the battle. Revel in your victory but also understand that you will have the occasional times of, "Oh my God, what did I do". It's not second guessing your decision merely taking the time to realize that what you did is tough.

If you have ever had a near auto accident and experienced the shaking leg syndrome that can come after, you know what I mean. OHS is scary and the effects come in strange ways and at odd times.

Be kind to yourself and be patient.
 
Whoa... Y'all sound like recovery wonders.

I was a phsyical and emotional terror.

I won't go into my sob story but what I would give to have the physical recovery you experienced.

Still, to your point... The emotional side of me is still recovering.

I know my donor valve was from a woman. I cry so much these days. It's weird. My fiancee likes it though. :)

If you need help... I mean really need help like I did to get your head on straight I highly encourage you to seek some form of therapy.

I got one on one counseling and have never looked back since. Cardiac rehab was also a big boost. Yes, it helped with the physical but it also helped with the mental... It really helped being with others who were experiencing many of the same things I was.

Take care! Adam
 
Your body underwent major assault and your brain chemicals got a real good jumbling. It takes time for all of these to settle down. They will in time, but until then, just go with it and try to learn something from it each step of the way.
 
Thank you Steve, Gina, Adam and Ross for providing some focus

I think I am suffering from the jump back into it syndrome. My husband is back to work and coming home late, my office has been calling, too, I've already been studying for a promotion test (I'm a reserve military officer)... its like what happened to the days I sort of envisioned, lying around watching Ellen and Oprah all day?

I need to work through this spiritually, too. You are so right- -nothing was guaranteed, God brought me through this and why I'm having trouble acknowledging that is strange, except to state that when I pray, I kind of relive it again, and not sure (as Steve said) that I want to think about it anymore.

And Gina, eat a piece of chocolate? That's part of the problem. Not sure if you've picked up on it in my emails, but my perfectionism won't let go even during recovery-- I almost flogged myself for eating chocolate covered strawberries that came in one of those fruit bouquets. I won't let myself eat any treats for fear of putting on weight during recovery. HOW SAD IS THAT. Therapy, yeah, I think this gal needs a dose.

Everyone wanted and expected so much from me, and sure am glad I delivered it to them, all pretty and healed.

I'm so sad.
 
Linda, Linda, Linda,

What am I going to do with you? You know that being a perfectionist is the reason everyone expects so much from you because you expect so much from yourself.

The loss of control that comes with OHS can be so overwhelming and, not being able to go with the flow, can be a rude awakening.

Do I have to come to NJ & hand feed you those chocolate strawberries?;) :D I used to live in NJ so I am sure I could find you. You must have read the information that says chocolate is good for the soul. What better way to help with being sad?

Have you allowed yourself to express your sadness to your family or does that go against the "perfect" mask? You need to be able to express things to people around you (cyberspace is great but not quite the same). If you are unable to talk to family & friends then it might very well be time for the emotional therapy.
 
I also had a struggle with the emotional side of the recovery...it took me many months to get to grips with my new reality. Others would tell me how great I was doing but I just couldnt see it and didnt mentally feel it. Now at almost 12 months post-op I think I am close to being totally over the shock of it all.

So hang in there, talk to whoever will listen and try remember it will get better and YES its OK to cry or go to therapy.
 
Hi Linda -

I'm feeling so sad for those sad words, "I'm so sad."

But you're NORMAL to feel that way! You have a lot of healing yet to do, both inside and inside some more and outside. The feelings you described, while painful, are normal!

This too will pass. You probably need some sunshine. You may have some cabin fever. I'm not into chocolates either but old books and new purses and nice perfumes really cheer me up:D!

Those feelings you described are painful but normal. You've gotten a lot of good advice from the other members. Reread it and think about it and hang in there and remember this will pass.
 
You have had a life changing event. You have had many drugs and your heart has been stopped. Unless someone else has faced that, they will never know that feeling. There is a certain reevaluation of your life that comes with it. You are being WAY hard on yourself. (as a fellow perfectionist I completely understand). Cutting yourself a little slack may not be possible without therapy. Getting through this without cutting yourself a little slack will probably be very difficult. There is a dilemma there.

And, yeah, I am with you. How can these people go back to their normal lives when my life has been so altered.

I am sure that you will figure this out, please be patient and loving with yourself.
 
A large part of you may want to charge Hamburger hill, but in reality, your body will sling you around the sun so fast you won't know what happened if you get too far outta bounds.
 
depression is part of the heart connection. any cardio will tell you that. If you need to talk to someone, go to a professional and let her advise you. All of us are changed in ways we didn't expect, after such a life changing event. You seem to have set certain standards for yourself - maybe you need to let them go by the wayside a little bit until you are over this hump. It won't hurt you to relax a little bit more. Get with a comedic friend who makes you laugh out loud. Laughing is such a great thing for the mind. Blessings. You surely will come through. Just don't let it go too far.
 
Linda,
I've had emotional ups and downs, too, since my surgery. I can tell this would not apply to you, but I did quite a bit of stress eating leading up to my surgery. I ate but still did my workout 5 days a week! :D Now I am trying to take a positive approach to my new post surgery self! My goal/plan is to lose 15 - 20 lbs and get in my best shape. I want to take up bike riding. My hubby and I used to ride bikes pre-kids but quit once our kiddos came along. Nothing major, up to around 30 mile rides, but I want to get back into it and have something he and I can do together. I am starting cardiac rehab next week to help me get started on my goal.

It sounds like you put a lot of pressure on yourself...not that most of us don't tend to do that! We have enough stress between being a spouse, a mother, an employee....and on and on. Then add on top of that, dealing with the stress leading up to and going through this surgery. We need to cut ourselves a break or we will....:(
 
WOA - Hold on a second

WOA - Hold on a second

I think you're confusing physical fitness and accomplishments with recovery from OHS. Nope, not so. I don't care if you can dance 100 miles on your treadmill by day 10, that's not recovery. There is a connection - mind/body/spirit - that ALL need to heal. You've had an easy time apparently with the body part. I didn't my body recovery wasn't as bad as some here but it wasn't easy either. There's about 2 months of my life where I was so sick I don't even want to BEGIN to remember them. The fact that my body took its sweet time to heal means I had the time to have a few good cries, I would have killed to be able to sleep, mostly it was just tortuous wakefulness day and night. And yes, I turned to chocolate a couple of times. A wise friend gave me some as a pre-surgery gift (he's a multiple organ recipient, knows a little about surgery).

You stared down death and won. Your heart was stopped during surgery and magically restarted. There was time on a pump that wreaks havock with your blood and the solution is time, let your body make fresh blood. There is the blood/brain connection. Your mind needs time to heal. You dodged the big one and while you should be happy you are a candidate for depression just like a mom with a new baby (she feels like she ought to be happy too). Your spirit, your very *self* needs time to work its magic, and you can't rush it by hopping on a treadmill.

If you must be a uber-perfectionist then set yourself a date in the future and cut yourself mega slack until then. Let Gina force feed you that chocolate :eek: Go to a tear jerker movie and pig out on popcorn. Tell 'em all to go take a hike if they don't understand or expect 'better' from you. They haven't been through what you've been through and therefore have no stick to measure you by.

I wish you all the best in your continuing recovery.

Ruth
 
Ditto what's been said. I know I will eventually completely heal physically, but emotionally I'm not the same person I was pre-op. I walked into surgery feeling invincible, and came out "humbled" by the experience, realizing just how fragile we are. I'm not sure I'll ever be the same, but I've concluded that's not necessarily a bad thing. Life's still good, but my perspective on it has changed significantly.
 
Linda. It's Thursday. You should call your cardiologist or your general physician today....today.....and get a referral for some counselling or therapy. Don't put yourself through another weekend of these feelings. There's just no reason to. Consider it part of your own brand of recovery. Blame it on the meds. Blame it on the surgical experience. It could easily be the most uplifting thing you can do for yourself....ever! And trying it out at this stage has no repercussions....you can totally blame it on the surgery....it's not a personal weakness at all!

Everyone here has given great advice. You have heard it and acknowledged it. What you are stuck in is how to use this advice. You are unable to use advice without some skill at handling it. You need coping skills. It's really just that simple. You need professional guidance as to how to cope with your feelings. If you were not a type A person (my oldest child is) I would just say, oh, be patient, it's the meds, etc. etc.. But you are special!!! You are a perfectionist. You need instructions!! You could use some individually designed coping skills. Please. Call a professional. Chocolate is a great idea....but I don't sense that it's working for you!!

Please keep coming here, though. We are great listeners and responders. And we have all felt the way you are feeling. Because it is NORMAL!! It's just that some of us are better able to be patient through it and ride it out. Some of us can see the storm ahead and maneuver around it. You may be one who is headed right for the center of it and could really use a map around it, instead!

Best wishes to you! Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm sure you help others here when you do so.

Hang in there!!! :) Marguerite
 
Linda

Don't be so hard on yourself.

Your physical operation wasn't as bad as you thought it would be.

Your mind's saying - heh where was all the pain and suffering ?

It takes some time to bring the mind and body back together again, so allow yourself some pampering !

Happy Recovery

George Montgomery
 
Just want to echo what everyone here has said, and add my personal experience. I was an emotional wreck after surgery. I would take long showers just so I could cry, and not let others know I was crying. I didn't even know why I was upset, I just felt sorry for myself I guess. I remember even starting a thread about it, because I was feeling so crummy.

so, take it easy.. this will pass. Give yourself some time to heal. Even though you are doing well physically, there are a lot of things your body is still working on to have a normal healthy balance.

Best wishes
 
My husband had the OHS not me. He is the type person who never cries over anything and after surgery he had several crying spells over nothing. When he came home from the hospital he was unable to eat and since he had already lost too much weight this upset him very much for some reason. But,after a few weeks it passed and he became his old self. Except,after 5 1/2 years he is still more sensitive to others feelings. Thats a good thing.
 
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