Need to lament (sp?)

[pedimed]

Ok, I just need to vent for a minute! SO thanks in advance for anyone interested and willing to read through and hand over some good old advice/support etc...

I am a 32 yr old single female just now s/p AVR and ablation of aortic root aneurysm. Postoperatively I did not feel depressed or 'down' at all but today, whew, it all hit like I walked into a brick wall.. now, dont know if this is postoperative state, premenstrual state, a combination, or just the current state of affairs, which are as follows: I am sitting here alone with 2 weeks left of an 8 week sick leave after surgery, I am also looking for a new job, and recently interviewed in Seattle (the position(s) is perfect-the only caveat, huge caveat for me is the weather) I also have not formally been offered the position... and do not know if I want to accept it when it is offered, if it is offered... the job I really wanted I found out I'm high on the list for but there is another more qualified person they are planning to offer the position to.. So, I continue to look and have made at least 4 phone calls today only to leave 4 messages... Dont know where everyone is these days

UGh, I know I have things well, I have a decent paying position, (although with a very narcisistic supervisor-causing the department to do very poorly in my opinion since he is a force NOT to be reckoned with), a nice apartment, why I can sit here and all of a sudden tear up at just the writing of this is so frustrating.. I want to be excited about my job, or the potential jobs but feel so dysthymic about jsut about everything..

I was/am seriously considering medicating this problem but know once I find a new position and place I like to live (and colleagues who respect me and eachother) I will be in a good place and enjoying things..

Ultimately I am writing this here bc I think my myriad medical situations frustrate me the most, at times they seriously inhibit my ability to perform at the 100% that I know I am capable of...for example, optical migraines, I have a possible diagnosis of Ectodermal Dysplasia, who knows really if thats what it is, and along with this goes random autoimmune problems, which I think cause my fatigue (although the fatigue ahs improved since the AVR-thankfully). Since the AVR i have had the typical optical migraines BUT also 3 episodes of a brown circle from my left periphery (not there when I close my left eye) developing and then to resolve a few min later.. no other sx at the time.. I am still waiting to hear back from the cardiologist on this one...

I wrote to you all bc you understand the day-to-day with a chronic illness..

Sorry for rambling, thanks for "listening"

Pedimed

 

[Phyllis]

Pedimed, I'm sure a large part of the depression is post-op normal. Many here have talked of it and some have sought help from their doctors for it. On top of the huge trauma of surgery you are also in the midst of making life changes- how can you not be mentally challenged by all this! It sounds like you are ready for a job and location change and it also sounds like you know that this too shall pass and the changes will make a good and huge difference in your life. I wish you the best and hope that the perfect job is yours for the offering. You know we will always be here to listen to you "whine" and to congratulate you when the sun comes out! Best wishes,
Phyllis

 

[pedimed]

Phyllis,

You are right, "this too shall pass", I used to tell people that all the time, thanks for reminding me to keep it all in perspective. You always have the right thing to say

Thanks!!

 

[Susan BAV]

Hi Pedimed -

Do you think any of your medications could be contributing to this? I was remembering that many years ago (pre-Internet) when I was put on a diuretic and thyroid replacement I had a sudden onset of dark depression -- not like me at all; I ordinarily think a bit like Scarlet O'Hara, "Tomorrow is another day." So I called doctors and pharmacists and couldn't find a contraindication. When I took them together again, the same dark depression came on suddenly. I knew, absolutely, that the combination of the two was not healthy for me. I just quit taking the diuretic. Some time later, I discovered that the contraindications WERE THERE but only flagged for the name brands and I had been taking generics of both medications! Who would think that those two common meds could be problematic when taken together?! Anyway, maybe it's not you -- maybe it's an RX issue. Can you search online and check your meds to see if any of the physical problems you are experiencing could be related?

Ramble away anyway. Sometimes just the organization of thoughts and written expression is helpful, especially when you know others will read it. And most members here have been there and can identify with your feelings. Wishing you well, and hoping you find the best job, and that you can bloom where you're planted.

 

[Ross]

I think it's mostly post op feelings, but honestly, I feel like you do just about all the time anymore. It's been nonstop for me and my family, so I could see how one could sink in an otherwise perfect ocean.

 

[StretchL]

Hi, Pedi! This may sound strange given what you just wrote, but it's really good to hear from you!

I actually was just thinking about you last night, and also this morning, just after I woke up. I'd made a mental note to zap you an e-mail or PM and as how you're doing.

As others have said, post-op depression is a common experience. Is it the meds, the surgery itself, something else? Who knows. But it is real and can be a very distressing experience. With all the other changes your going through in your life (and usually change = stress), it's not surprising that you're feeling down. Of course, knowing that it's "normal" doesn't make it any easier.

There are some very good mild anti-depressants out there these days, and your primary care or even cardio could probably give you a script for one of them.

Depression is awful to go through, but you're ahead of the game already in that you recognize and can verbalize your feelings.

Things WILL get better. Try to keep that in mind.

And, if you need something to cheer you up in the really down times, take a look at the TOOTS forum! There are lots of clowns in there!

Hang in there, Pedi...

 

[pedimed]

Stretch-How kind of you, thank you! LOL-the TOOTS forum, you know I must say that did really make me smile to get the shirt and joiin the crowd on that forum.. I will take your advice and return there today. Think I will call my PCP and just run some of this by him at some point soon..

Susan- Thank you for your thoughts and kind words, it was slightly cathartic to be able to write this all out and have some feedback..adverse reactions listed for hte meds I am on do not include depression, however as you know that does not always mean they cant have that effect...Ill look into the cross-reactivity a bit more, I hadn't gotten to thinking of that yet. I need to develop some of your 'scarlet O'hara' mantra.


Ross- I think I would tell you what everyone has been telling me 'this too shall pass" even though it may feel like an impossibility at the moment.. One other thing I learned after surgery was to not hesistate to ask others for assistance..

 

[DebbyA]

a small idea about the "brown circle"

a small idea about the "brown circle"

I hope it's not too dismaying to add the possibility of another medical specialist. About six years ago I had a similar visual sensation. I could only describe it as a coffee stain, because I saw about 3/4 of a brownish circle when I looked at listings or documents. If I closed the unaffected eye and looked out, I didn't see it, nor was it noticeable driving or looking at a screen. It was "macular pucker", which is NOT at all related to macular degeneration. Mine went away in a couple of months, and the opthamologist cannot detect it now. So I'm posting this in a hopeful way.

 

[pedimed]

Debby...

Debby...

Debby,

Thank you for the idea regarding the "brown circle" i was just told to set up an appt with the opthomologist which initially I thought was a misdirection, but perhaps not given your experience.. Do you know what caused the "pucker"? and was it always present when u did have it, or did it come and go? This comes and goes, almost like a migrane scotoma but different.. Sounds similar to what you are explaining.

Thanks for the thought, I will let you know what the optho says after I see her on 3/8.

Lea

 

[Susan BAV]

(Hey, welcome to the site, Debby! Hope all goes well with your surgery. Post again.)

 

[Guest]

....'this too shall pass" even though it may feel like an impossibility at the moment.....

*nods*

And, it will feel like an impossibility for a while, certainly. BUT ... things DO pass ... even if it is EVENTUALLY .


Thoughts/prayers coming your way, Pedi....



Cort:33swm."Mr Monte Carlo.Mr Road Trip".pig valve.pacemaker
PICS:lego.HO.model.MCinfo.RT.CHD = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Waiting to be mended like a potter would mend a broken vase" ... Larry Gatlin & The Gatlin Brothers ... 'Broken Lady'

 

[DebbyA]

Lea--
here is a link to Amer Opthamological Assn for pdf about macular pucker (same one I received). https://secure3.aao.org/pdf/057111.pdf
Must caution you it reads scarier than my experience. Just note the part that says it doesn't get worse...
I have no idea what caused it to come OR to go. I first went to an opthamologist, who referred me to a retinal specialist. Had no treatment, just monitored with specialist. It lasted about a year. It was present all the time, but my awareness of it depended on what I was using my eyes for. It took me a long time to realize it was persistent because it was a sort of smudgy 3/4 circle that looked like a stain on the paper more than something in my eye, and was most noticeable looking at computer printouts. I kept closing eyes alternately to see if it was really there.
Susan--
Thanks for the welcome! I haven't formally introduced myself. My tentative date is more than a year away! It's the cardiologist's best guesstimate after I said we were hoping surgery would be AFTER my husband retires. She did name the surgeon, and he seems to have gotten some favorable comments on the forum.

 

[MelissaM]

Pedimed,

Woah - slow down there, horsey! What has you looking for new work in the middle of such a traumatic time? Is this a dire situation that has you looking for new work? If not, consider giving yourself some healing time and putting up with your narcissistic boss for a few months.

I am 33 years old, single, and three and a half years post-op. Circumstances had me looking for a job and looking to buy a new house in the weeks immediately following surgery.

It is not a course I would recommend. Heart surgery is as stressful as losing a spouse, getting divorced, etc, and making other life changes in the midst of it is NOT a good idea (if you can avoid it).

For me, having to do the job/hunt move post-op, prolonged my depressed state and recovery. It is really not a good idea. Especially if you are single and bearing the brunt of all of the work. At the time, I couldn't see that changing jobs/moving would contribute to the depression. Nor could I see how it was prolonging my ability to recover quickly. These things only came in hindsight.

So, if at all possible, please reconsider your decision to seek employment and move to another part of the country. It is A LOT of work to relocate, start a new job, get to know new people. That energy could be better spent healing - a process that will continue in subtle forms beyond your 8 week leave.

Give yourself time to heal. Keep the rest of your life as stable as possible until that happens. You might find your depression easing up more quickly than if you pursue more changes.

Best,

Melissa