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Alas, where has all our innocence gone?




While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office,

a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room.

As she went to the receptionist's desk,

the man sat there, alone and silent.

Just as I was thinking I should make some small talk with him,

a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair.

Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller, too.'


*****
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's sx-year-old daughter,

Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions

about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has those, too, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'


*****
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter,

Carolyn, I got a little wistful.

'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends

and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now.

Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'


******
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment

of giving immunization shots to children. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle.

'No, no, no!' she screamed.

'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.'

With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!


******
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting,

my grandson innocently said to my son,

'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies,

but how do they get there in the first place?'

After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad.

It's okay if you don't know the answer.'


*****
Just before I was deployed to Afghanistan,

I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him.

'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him, 'I'm going to Afghanistan.'

'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'


*****
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp

for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases.

One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward,

stopped by to have lunch with the kids.

A counselor at a nearby table,

suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that

Newman was a famous movie star, explained,

'That's the man who made this camp possible.

Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?'

Blank stares.

'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.'

An eight-year-old girl then perked up. 'How long was he missing?'


vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished,

when there was a massive clap of thunder,

followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning

accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said,

"Well, she's there
 
We Must Stop This Immediately!​


Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper?

Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!


And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?


I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me.


I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection…well, REALLY NOW - even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!


Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.



Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?


I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the

telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone

will have to suffer these awful indignities.

PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!


 
A Dublin Doctor wanted to go fishing, so he approached his apprentice Doctor.
"Murphy, I am goin' fishing tomorrow, and don't want to be closin' the clinic. I want you to take care of all m' patients! "

"Not a problem, Yes,Doctor! I'll do m' best,Sir!! " answered Murphy.

The Doctor returned the following day.
"So,Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache,he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the Doctor.

"The second one had indigestion, so I gave him Gaviscon." says Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this!! And what about the third one?" asks the Doctor.

"Doctor, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flew open ... And a young gorgeous woman burst in, she did! Like a bolt outta the blue, she tore off her clothes, taking off everything!! - including her bra and panties!! - and she lay on the table, and spread her legs!! -and then shouted loudly:
"Oh Please Doctor - HELP ME!! - for the love of St Patrick!! - For five years now, I haven't seen any man!! "

Aghast, the Doctors asked,
"Oh NO, Murphy!! ......
-Tunderin' Joseph, Mary and Lard Jesus, what did you do?"

"The only t'ing I could do, Doctor!!
I put drops in her eyes!!
 
Here is one of the dirtiest jokes you will ever hear...***read at your own discretion****

A white horse fell into the mud - doah
 
we've all heard this one...

Why was 6 afraid of seven? Because 7 8 9...I am on a roll - NOT....LOL
 
my wife is blonde, so I can say this...blondes, don't take offense...it's a JOKE:

What do blondes and a beer bottle have in common? They are both empty from the neck up.
 
i'm sure I will think of more classics that will keep you ROTF....haha
 
sorry for the "buzz" kill....Greg a, please bail me out and give us another one of your funnies!!!
 
424692_10150547745362665_569347664_9050201_1710036989_n.jpg




^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^:biggrin2:^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^​
 
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.

Do you think they could be Lebanese?


Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence on My VCR?


Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the

baby I'm carrying is his.



Dear Abby,

I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the

pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.


Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and

when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said

it would never happen again.


Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was

raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?


Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it.

Now how do I get out?



Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00

an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.


Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank

until one night he came home sober.


Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going

through mental pause.


Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest

in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest

in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

:eek2:Remember these people are breeding and can vote! LOL!!!!!:eek2:

:eek2::eek2::eek2:
 
Thanks for the save, Greg! And for comparing my jokes to that of a toddler...a very smart toddler I may add - haha
 
this may not work with written text, but spell each word in your in your mind as quickly as possible then provide your immediate answer to the question that follows...no cheating - haha

Spell "Most"
Spell "Host"
Spell "Coast"
Spell "Boast"


What do you put in a toaster?
 
Really ????????????????????

Really ????????????????????

Boudreaux, an 80-year-old Cajun man from out by Grosse Tete, Louisiana, goes to the doctor for his yearly check-up.

The doctor is amazed at what good shape Boudreaux is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition, Boudreaux?"

"I stays in the swamp, and I hunts and fishes every day," says the old Cajun. "Dat's why I'm in such good shape. I'se up well before daylight and out huntin' and fishin' all day. I has a beer for breakfast and at lunch and wid my supper, too. And I has a shot of hooch before bed time. And I says my prayers every night. And all is well wid me."

Well,"says the doctor, "I'm sure the prayers help, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?"

"Who said Pop is dead?"

The doctor is amazed. "You mean you are 80 years old and your father is still alive? How old is he?"

"Pop be 100 next month," replied Boudreaux. "In fact, he hunted with me dis mornin', and den we went to a beer joint for a while and had a few beers, and dat's why he's still alive. He's a tough old Cajun man, and he hunts and fishes everyday, too."

"Well, the doctor says, that's great! But, I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your
father's father? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my Paw Paw's dead?"

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you are 80 years old, your father is 100, and your grandfather is still living? Incredible! How old is he?"

"We tink about 118," says the old Cajun. He likes his beer, too, but he won't touch the hard stuff."

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point.
"So, I guess your grandfather went hunting and fishing with you and your father this morning, too?"

"No, Paw Paw couldn't go dis time. He's gettin' married today."

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
"Getting married?! Why would a 118-year-old man want to get married?"

Boudreaux looked down at the floor and mumbled,
"Who said he wanted to?"
 
same routine...this time, do the math in your head as quickly as possible and answer the question honestly

10+0=
9+1=
8+2=
7+3=
6+4=
5+5=
4+6=
3+7=
2+8=
1+9=
0+10=



What is an aluminum can made out of?
 
i am in just a childish mood...one more spelling challenge as quick as you can and immediately answer the question...semi-day off, sorry - haha

Spell "bop"
Spell "cop"
Spell "mop"
Spell "hop"
Spell "pop"



What do you do when you come to a green light?
 
okay, I will get serious here...for you golf lovers out there...


Religious battle golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
 
LMAO!!! I just had to share that with my daughter's Kindergarten teacher and principal...lesson to be learned...be careful what you ask for!!! Greg, you are loaded with the funnies - haha.
 

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