I need your help!

shop deals on amazon
Shop deals on ebay
Advertise with us
Valve Replacement Forums

Help Support Valve Replacement Forums:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
L

Leah35

Hi everyone....

I'm really struggling with something.....to anyone who has kids...how did you or how are you handling this situation? I have to travel to Vancouver for my surger (about 4 hours away). My husband and I are staying at a hotel the night before the surgery...and my parents and my brother have a suite together that will be the "catch all" room for all that are visiting me. Here is my question...we are bringing our boys down...(they are 8 and 12) and I have a girlfriend that has offered to take them...the night before...the day of....whatever I feel necessary. I want to be with them every second, BUT I don't want to upset them all that much. I have a feeling that I will be somewhat of a basket case the night before surgery and I know that I will be a case the day of. Do I keep them there overnight and then say goodbye at the hotel....or at the hospital...or do I let my girlfriend take them the night before...(I don't know if I can bear that or not). The bottom line is that I want to do what is best for them. I have been told that they are not allowed into the ICU and would not want them to see me like that...so I want to keep them busy doing fun stuff the day of my surgery and then they can come back when I am in the Ward..... and then....what if something happens to me and they are not there? ( know that is an awful thought, but a reality nonetheless) This is so hard.....I am really an emotional mess today... my sister-in-law came to visit and I won't see her until after the surgery...it's really hard to say goodbye when you're facing something like this. Anyways, I would really appreciate any input that you can give me.....Geez I think I better ask for something stronger than Ativan for these days....lol

Take care!
 
I'm sorry you have to deal with this in addition to the upcoming ohs. Such an awful decision to make.

You'll probably get as many answers from us as there are people on the forum.

Perhaps you could ask them what they'd prefer? The 12 year old is certainly old enough to understand. The 8 year old probably not. But they would have an opinion on what they want to do.

First - if they go to Vancouver with you, will one of your parents or your brother be available to babysit them the day of surgery? They really don't belong in the waiting room at the hospital.

Second - do they know your friend really well?

My feeling is that kids do better knowing more than less; they're terribly frightened by the unknown. Their imaginations work overtime. Better they're afraid of reality than the bogeyman.

Finally, if they're with you, you won't have the opportunity to fall apart. THEY will keep you together - not a bad thing.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it'll all work out. I know how scared you are; we all do. You'll have lots of prayers and good thoughts for a routine, boring, uneventful surgery on the 21st.
 
My vote is to stay with them as long as you possibly can. They will sense your feelings believe it or not, and that may not be a bad thing, but may keep you held together also.

I don't believe in hiding things from children. This is an experience for them also and I'm sure all will learn from it. Kids are amazingliy resilent and understand way more then we think they do.
 
Our daughter was 10 when Joann had her first surgery. She did go to the hospital the night before the surgery. She totally understood the issues and was VERY MATURE. She did go to school the day of the surgery and spent time with several teachers. I was a school administrator and felt very comfortable with our decisions. Her grandmother moved into our home and took care of her during the evenings.

We were about 80 miles from Cleveland Clinic at the time of her surgery. She was not allowed to visit the hospital until Joann was nearly ready for discharge. The nurses broke the rule and allowed our daughter to visit. They were more concerned about our daughter and emotions than Joann.

I would keep everything as normal as possible. Sleeping in their own bed, pets, food, and friends all help this to happen.

Hope that this helps!!!
 
I for one, would ask the doctor for whatever they can give you to help calm you. Including something for sleep the nite before. I say explain whats going to happen to you and give them some input on what they do. I would not let them visit til you get the tubes and wires out but just as soon as they say they can visit....My kids are both older..youngest was still in high school. Best of luck with your Surgery!!

JohnnyV
 
Leah,
I don't know if your kids are like mine~~but, when I'm upset they want to be near me...they have a 6th sense about how we feel, just like we as mom's do ~~ we can always tell they're upset as soon as they get in the car from school. Right?
All that being said~~ here's what I think:

If your children are 'active' and you are going to be too mentally distracted to deal with discipline issues..having to quiet them down or whatever the case may be..then it might be best if you try to focus on relaxing and having a delightful evening with your husband and take a long bath..:p
But~~if your children are calm, quiet kids (a miracle) and you think that it won't even be an issue then I highly recommend ya'll go have a nice dinner and laugh and enjoy them.:D It will be a while before you feel like doing anything.

When my dad was very sick I couldn't deal with anything too difficult..didn't feel like settling arguments or anything~~I was so distracted and in such another world in my mind that I wasn't worth much for a while, no matter how hard I tried! :confused:
So, you might wait and try not to settle this now..if you can wait until the day of~~you may be more relaxed than you think.
We're going out to dinner as a family~~but, my 'kids' are 21,18,&15~~I know it won't be stressful.. but, when they were younger I might have thought twice like you are.. my boys would be wrestling and I may have gone bonkers.
Go with your heart:)
It is always right,
xxooDeana
 
Hi Leah

Hi Leah

I totally understand how you are feeling. When contemplating my surgery, the most difficult aspect for me was concern that if the worst case scenario happened that I wouldn't be around to take care of my daughter, who is 14. I think our protective mother instincts are very strong. Your sons are younger than my daughter, and boys, so I don't know if this will help, but I'll tell you what we did about having her with us, visit, etc.

My surgery was in San Francisco about an hour from our home, so we went the night before and stayed in a hotel. My husband and I had a room, and my daughter and my mother had a room. We all had a nice dinner in a restaurant and went to bed early. From that point on, we gave my daughter the choice every step of the way about whether she wanted to be at the hospital or not and see me or not. We had friends lined up who were available to be with her at the hospital, and take her to their homes, back to our home, out to play in the city, whatever she wanted to do.

She decided to come with us to the hospital at 5:30 am the morning of surgery, and she (and my husband and mother) were allowed to come in and wait with me after I was thru the initial prepping. Then she waited in the waiting room, and it was nice to have an (adult) friend there who was just watching out for her, could take her to lunch in the cafeteria, etc. She had been very ambivalent about whether to see me in the ICU, but decided to come in, and after that she came in as often as she was allowed. When I was moved to the cardiac recovery unit she came to visit me several times a day. After a couple days she needed to get back to summer school, so she and my mom went home and came back and visited me in the evenings. For her I think it was a very maturing experience to face her fears. But again, she is much older than your sons.

You can check with the hospital ICU about what their policy is on kids coming in to visit (and visititor policies in general, in both the ICU and recovery unit), although our experience was that the official policy was there in case they needed it, but wasn't always enforced - e.g., they never made my family leave at the end of the official visiting hours.

My husband peeked his head over this post and reminded me that one of the things we did with our daughter was give her lots of information about what I would look like in the ICU (thanks to this site for helping us be prepared for that). Lots of tubes (including the breathing tube so no talking), neck IV, monitors, maybe swollen from fluids, etc. I think the picture we had painted was so bad that when she actually saw me she was relieved, although one thing that we hadn't known about was that I would still be painted blue-green up to my nose from the antiseptic. My husband said that the calmest time in the ICU was when they were first allowed in after I had gotten stabilized and was just coming out of the anesthesia. His suggestion is that if your boys want to see you, and are allowed in, that is a good time. For me, the following couple days in the ICU were more difficult - I was feeling awful from the meds, my blood pressure was low so they were trying different interventions to get it back up, etc. I remember at those times it was harder for me to see my daughter because I wouldn't want her to see me in distress. So short visits during that time were good.

I think the more that you can do to set things up for your boys so that you know they are in good hands, the better you will feel. And the more that they can make their own choices the better for them (and they might make different choices given their different ages, so nice if you can set it up so they have the option at least sometimes of not doing the same thing). Good-luck with your surgery, I'll be thinking of you!

Love,
Liz
 
Thank you

Thank you

Thank you all for your input. I have since spoken with both of my kids and it seems that they both want to be with me the night before and then go off with my girlfriend the day off ( Incidentally, they have known my girlfriend since they day they were born....and she has three boys, whom they both adored....so fun, fun, fun....She is my best friend in the whole wide world and actually lives in the same town as me. She just happens to be from Vancouver, so she is planning on taking them down to the states to her parents cabin in birch bay and they are both very excited about that). I would not want them to see me in ICU because it is very scary. Although my 12 year old is probably old enough to handle it...he is very sensitive and would not fare well seeing me like that). My girlfriend will bring them back to the hotel once I am on the Ward and looking a little better. Oh this just keeps getting better and better! NOT! I have had a very emotional day today and need a good night's rest. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel stronger. Thanks again to all of you who got back to me. I really appreciate my new "family" and will refer to you again.

Hugs to you :)
 
one justin's page there is a pic of him getting his bandage off at 2 days post op, but we have pictures ofhim on the vent ect, he was 17 so looks more like and adult than a baby, so if you would like the pictures to show what he looked like 1 hour post op email me and i'll send them to you, if you think it might help Lyn www.caringbridge.org/nj/justinw
 
My son, Cael, is 10 (he'll be 11 in Sept.) and he's coming to the hospital with me on Friday morning. He really wants to and I don't want to stop him.

During the surgery, my best friend, Jill (I've been friends with her for over 20 years) will be here. She is coming specifically for Cael (and for me, but mostly for him). She reserved a room in a hotel with a pool, so she'll be taking him swimming, she is bringing board games and other fun things for them to do while everyone else is waiting during the surgery.

I am so blessed and lucky to have such a good friend who is looking out for my son.
 
I also feel very blessed that I have a wonderful friend to look after my kids during the waiting period. They'll be having so much fun, they won't even know what's going on! Good friends are wonderful things to have!

I checked out the pic of Justin and I know that my boys will be able to handle that part of it....just not the tubes and junk.

Thanks again to everyone for your support!
 
My surgery was nine years ago, and both of my boys did pretty well. (They were 7 and 9 at the time.) One cute little thing that did happen is that a few days after the surgery, my oldest son had the best hit of his short-lived Little League career. When he got back into the dugout, he told the coach, "That was for my mom." It still makes me emotional just talking about it.
 
Cute!

Cute!

Awww - that's so cute Sherry! Boys are so incredibly adorable! They love their mommies so much ;)....I wanted to ask you if they saw you in ICU or if they just saw you on the ward??
 
I am probably going against the flow here..but for my surgery 2 months ago..
I traveled a little over an hour to the hospital.
the night before we had a big family feast..lots of laughter..and fun and food.
I made arrangements for my sister to stay at the house while I was in the hospital.
My kids stayed busy with their usual schedules.. soccer/ice skating, friends etc.
For us we felt if we could keep them in a normal routine for as long as possible it would be good. since I knew that afterwards they would be spending lots of days with other friends/ and family.
Also my older kids were fine with things b/c they understood, but I did not think it was necessary to scare the younger ones..they just couldn't comprehend the seriousness of the situation. So we talked about what was going to happen and that the doctors would take good care of me and when I came home.. we dicsussed my limitations and so on.
They called me from home..but honestly I was so out of it I would not have wanted to see them or them to see me until I came home. I was swollen beyond recognition, for 2 days and then just so spacey I coudn't really talk.

They knew I was ok..and were so busy with their world It worked out well for all of us.
my kids are 7 and 9.

Can your friend keep your kids at your home? then they will be in their own environment with their things/friends and routine? Maybe bring them to see you on the last day or so?
The first 2 days you are usually in ICU and most units only allow visitors for 15min on the hour.. and no children.
I am sorry that this has you feeling stressed..I understand.
I would try to enjoy now before you go in..and let that be the lasting memory for them until you come back home..
JMHO
 
My Grandson was age 9..soon to be 10.....I have helped raise him from age 2 weeks....Lives with his Dad..my son.....I found out on a Thursday that I would have surgery the following Monday...so, spent the weekend ..attending one of his Little league ballgames, having Breakfast, ect....Family told him..Grandbonny will have to go in and have her heart fixed...in Atlanta..You need to go to school. she will be fine.:) My entire family was there for me that day..but..neighbor took him to school...They brought him to see me on Wed. evening.when I was in a private room.ALL tubes gone.:) He crawled into the bed with me..and brought me a book...Title....I Celebrate You, Grandmother..Read it to me..To this day..4 years later. It has a special place on my table in Living Room...NEVER been moved.......:) :) That book got me up and moving again....:) And 3 weeks later. I went to see him again..playing ball.:) He was so thrilled to see me sitting there.:D ..Now, he has a hard time keeping up with me..at age 14 yesterday...:D ..Bonnie
 
Hi, Leah. Right after the surgery, my husband, mother, father, step-father, and in-laws were allowed in (before I had regained conciousness) for a few minutes while the surgeon spoke to them. I had the breathing tubes and all that "stuff" hanging out of my mouth and chest. My mom got emotional seeing me like that (even though it's perfectly normal for patients to look like that post-op), started crying and left the room. She and my husband decided not to let the boys see me until I was awake and had all of that removed (It sounds like the hospital staff were going to let the boys in even though that boggles me know to think about it.) My mom's reaction upset them, but she doesn't cry much, so I guess it just caught them off guard. When they came in to see me the next day, I looked pretty good which allayed their fears.

I just asked my youngest what he remembers (he's 16 now and was 7 then), and he said he remembers Grandma crying. Maybe my point in telling you all this is to make sure that all the adult family members put on a brave face in front of the kids so that they don't get scared.

Best of luck to you, Leah, and we'll be anxious to get you over on this side of the mountain with us.
 
Thanks again

Thanks again

Again, thanks to everyone for your input. Marky, I do understand where you are coming from. My first plan was to have the kids stay her; however, they are very much looking forward to being able to see me and my 12 year old would not have it any other way. He would be a mess if he was left here. Anyways, my good friend will keep them for as long as it takes until I'm not hooked up to anything and then we'll go from there.

Granbonny....how sweet of your grandson to give you that book...you made me cry with your story and I can picture that book on your coffee table. Family is so important and you sound like an incredible granbonny :)

Sherry, thanks again for your comments as well. I know that my mom will be a mess, even though she's seen me like that a couple of times before. My kids will not be around for that part though, thank goodness. It's my husband I'm worried about.. he hasn't been around for any of my surgeries.. He tells me that he is quite prepared to see me like that, but I think that it will still be a shock for him.

Thanks for all of your support... I don't know what I would do without all of you.

Hugs :p
 
Leah, my hubby simply couldn't and wouldn't talk about seeing my immediately post-op; he'd been warned, and my daughter was with him; and he's a rock; but he was terribly upset by it (I guess I was pretty grotesque) and never talked about it until over a year later. Poor guy.

I didn't let my mom come out when I had surgery. She'd have worried me more than I felt I could deal with.
 
My kids are not young anymore but it was still very difficult for them to see me in ICU the day of surgery. My husband never talks about it unless I ask him what happened. The next day I was up in a chair for several hours and was off the vent. Still had IV's but I think many of the tubes had been pulled. I still had a chest tube in draining blood until day 4 and the urinary catheter until day 3. The kids should at least be prepared for some of the things they will see. You will be on a monitor the whole time you are in the hosp. You probably won't feel great but by day 3 you should look like you.
You know your kids better than anyone. They are lucky to have your friend to take care of them. You will all come through this just fine and you will be fixed so that you can be with them for many years to come.
Take care.
Jo
 
Egbok

Egbok

Leah:
Hang with your sons as you usually would, and just read a book or watch TV to pass the time before surgery. This is NOT your last goodbye or anything -- the statistics on your type of surgery are incredibly positive, so don't worry! You are going to be fine!

temple

By the way, I love Vancouver. My brother lives up at Whistler and we ski there every year. Good luck! And keep smiling.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Latest posts

Back
Top