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kimfusca

I hope I am in the right forum...

Has anyone ever gone through a divorce while still recovering? My husband informed me the other evening (Wed.) that he was filing for divorce the next morning (Thurs). While I knew things weren't going great, I thought he'd at least give me a little (and I mean little) more time to recover. I feel totally side-swiped. (sp?) I still haven't even been to cardiac rehab yet...and I'm only 7 weeks post op from my reconstructive surgery (from my staph infection)!

Anyway, it's a wee bit stressful and a very unpleasant experience. Just was wondering if anyone had any survival tips.

I know people have talked about anti-depresants after OHS. Anyone want to tell me about the experience? While I think I am doing good in view of my circumstances, I might need some helpers along the way to the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm pretty tough and even though my emotions are all over the place most of the time, I still have my sunny disposition! :)
 
Hi, Kim.

I don't have any experience with your situation, but I wanted to be the first (at least on here) to say, "What an A-hole!"

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this huge emotional issue on top of the physical and emotional issues surrounding OHS recovery.

RE: Antidepressants: I'd certainly ask my primary care about a low dose antidepressant if I were in your shoes. Some of the newer drugs are quite remarkable. Personally, I think Prozac should be added to the water supply world-wide!
 
What a fantastic time for him to suddenly get all full of himself. Has he always been good at confronting people when he's sure they can't respond in kind? I hope you have some help dealing with your family's basic needs during recovery from both open-heart and reconstructive surgery.

Antidepressants? If you really need one, they're there to have. However, I should think your main feeling would be one of relief, to be rid of such an immense, self-centered a_____e. What a prize someone else will be getting!

You've been granted a new life more than just medically. Instead of being his victim when you're most vulnerable, consider embracing the change completely. You now have the opportunity to fly without this narcissistic anvil dragging you down.

Most people have to struggle with some guilt and self-doubt when a relationship breaks down. What mode and timing of his parting could possibly leave you with less guilt and less doubt?

Turn your energy to your recovery and the chance to grow unfettered into the person you really want to be. He's no longer the reason you can't reach for the things you believe are possible for you.

Very best wishes,
 
Kim

My Advice.....get A Great Divorce Lawyer And Sue The S..t Out Of Him.....what A Disgusting Creature( I Can't Even Use The Word Person) He Is.

Get Angry, Because I Certainly Would Be!!!!

Just Venting.

Evelyn
 
I would agree with everything said so far. You've already proved yourself to be strong. Look at what you've been through!!! And you've made it while having to drag around the baggage of the thing formerly known as your husband.

Times of hardship have a way of cutting through all the layers in a person and showing the true person at the core. It's quite obvious what your soon-to-be ex had float to the surface. But let's concentrate on what has surfaced in you. A strong woman who won't let a "little" thing like OHS, recovery, additional infection and anything else take her down!!!!!!! This does not mean you don't have times where you want to curl up under the blankets and never come out, but you've already proved that you have the strength to persevere through ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hip hip hooray!!!!!!!!!! You go girl!!!!!!!!!

I'm thinking you need to contact Nora Ephron or some other screenwriter with a wicked sense of humor and have them do your story for the movies!

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. But I do believe that when all is said and done that light at the end of the tunnel is going to be brighter than you ever even hoped for. Count on friends and family (and your VR family) to help out. And don't be afraid to ask for help. God bless!
 
Hi Kim -

I don't have any personal experience with anti-depressants after valve replacement (or otherwise). I do have one other-wise healthy relative who went on them and actually got worse before [they] got better; the pills seemed to make them measurably more depressed. I don't know how common that reaction is but we were surprised. Have you talked to your cardio or family doctor about any of this? Any treatment you want should take into account your entire situation, including the staph issue.

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Not knowing the whole story, he sure seems like a rotten bozo (or much worse) for not allowing you more time to recover before hitting you with this. I kind of liked what Tobagotwo wrote; your husband's (previously noted badgering and) timing would seem to indicate his selfishness and/or immaturity and/or worse.

He bends under pressure and you can't count on him -- remember, it's no reflection on you that he's made these choices -- so keep that sunny disposition and don't let hate crowd in your heart. Just let go of all the bad stuff. It's springtime, a happy time for you to recover completely inside and out! Post again; we're all pulling for your health and happiness.
 
I am always shocked when I hear of a spouse deciding to divorce when the one they are divorcing is recovering from something so terribly serious. I have heard it on the breast cancer boards, more times than I care to remember, and now, here.

It's the mark of an immature and self-centered person. You are well rid of him, but what a time to have to go through this! I'm sure you know now that at no time in the future would you have ever been able to count on him anyway.

I hope you have some extended family who can help you physically and emotionally during this time.

Make sure you get a bulldog of a lawyer.
 
What a total and utter (four letter word beginning with s and ending in t)!

Take him to the cleaners, take him for everything you can get then make sure you spread the word as far as possible amongst people you know who know him to let them know what a total bastard he is. Ruin his reputation, that gives some satisfaction!

I can understand just how you feel, and that is really knocked for six.

If antidepressants will help then get some. Most of all talk to friends and family, don't bottle it up. Express your anger and shock, get it out of your system no matter how long it takes.

Take care.
 
Echo the sentiments above. What a #@%$#%!!!!!! :mad:

So sorry you have to deal with this on top of your normal recovery. I don't know anything about anti-depressants, but I hope you have enough support around you to help you stay positive so that you don't have to resort to that. We're always here if you need an ear to listen. We wouldn't want you to lose that sunny disposition! :)

Best wishes.....
 
Kim this is best left with the professionals. I'll never understand why some people do this. Life gets a little tough, they get scared and then bail. Whatever happened to working things through? If this is all the more he loves you, then your better off without him. As far as your head and thoughts, get a counselor and an attorney. Sorry this is happening to you right now.
 
Kim,

I am so sorry you are going through all this at one time. The one bright light I can see is that every bad thing will be over at the same time and you will have a healthy, independent life to look forward to and your little girl will see how strong her mommy is.

Definitely get a good lawyer but remember your fight needs to be based on the type of person your husband is. If he is an unreasonable and angry person, the last thing you need is to provoke someone who might become dangerous. When I went through my marriage dissolution in 1988, I came to believe my ex would cause me harm. I backed off much more than I was counseled to do because I knew my life was worth more than any money I could get from him - although I did end up with a settlement so I didn't let him off the hook totally. ;) :D

So, take that "man" to the cleaners as long as you know you won't be "cleaned".

BTW - I took Ativan during this time. I was not depressed, merely anxious and the Ativan worked beautifully.
 
I have some tips.

my husband had a mid-life crisis. I went for divorce in a small town where all lawyers knew and worked with each other. We both agreed that I was to get the lawyer who would make out all the papers, serve him, and he would take them to a local lawyer who would say all was ok and that would be that. I didn't ask for a lot because I didn't want him to be left with nothing. Silly me. well, somewhere along the way he decided to counter-sue me and went to a divorce specialist. He went for EVERYTHING! He got everything, almost. Go to a DIVORCE SPECIALIST! Turn the things over to her and let her go for everything he has. You will not get everything; it doesn't work that way, but at least you will send the message that you are not going to lie down and take it from him and you MIGHT get lucky and be ok financially when all is said and done. Once lawyers get involved, what you believed might be amicable turns into WAR in the fullest sense of the word. Do not leave your home because that can be constrewed as abandonment. If he leaves then he has abandoned. Find a support system, talk to that person(s). During divorce, talking is a great reliever, but you must choose carefully because some people just get tired of hearing about all our stuff.

I have been following your threads with sadness. It is awful what you have been through and now you have to add crying to it all and without support from one of your 'loved' one.

It will be over one of these days and you will be all fixed up and ready to shine.
 
Sunny!

Sunny!

Hi Kim! I think you've gotten some good and straight forward advice here. I'll add my two cents re the anti-depressants and say that I have had several friends and relatives who have benefitted enormously from some of the newer drugs (Zoloft, Paxil, Wellbutrin). I would definitely talk to your PCP about taking one for a while. It might just give you that little bit of relief to make this time easier.

I went through a divorce and thought at the time my life was over. As you have heard repeatedly here it was in fact the beginning of a wonderful new life! I wouldn't have believed it at the time but I urge you to try to.

Everything will be all right in the end ...and if things aren't all right yet, it's not the end!

Take good care and stay in touch. Barbara
 
Kim. I'm so sorry!! I'm so glad you came to us with this, and I hope that we will be helpful to you.

Being that you're still recovering (and all those nasty meds are truly still working through your system) please be very careful with yourself. Stress will interfere with your recovery. You need a way to "pull down the shades" and close off some of this saddness/frustration/anger etc. every once in awhile so that your body can heal properly. If that means a counselor, find one. If that means some antidepressants...try some. YOU are the first person you should be thinking about now so work very hard to remain calm and sunny. This could be the best thing that ever happened to you. It could. When a human being shows their true colors like this, it can be a blessing in disguise. An awful lot of hard work for you, but you know you are a resillient, strong, happy, decent human being and YOU CAN DO THIS!!

We're here 24/7. Use us for whatever you need!

Marguerite
 
Thank you!

Thank you!

Thank you for all of your support! It is really very helpful. I can hardly believe this is my life right now, but I do know that in a year's time or at least at some point, I will look back and be amazed at how much my life have changed for the better. I do have the support of my family and friends, but it's also great to have you too! Just keeps me going and keeps me positive. You are the best!
 
Hi Kim

Hi Kim

So sorry that you have to deal with this while you are still recovering .
What a creep !!!!!!
Take it easy, see your Doc first and discuss meds and counselling and then see the best lawyer you can get !!!!
Try and take one day at a time, let the lawyer do the fighting, you just concentrate on getting better.
How is your little girl coping ?
I really agree with everything said already, I have been through a very ugly divorce when my daughter was only 3yrs old.
You hope that the divorce will be amicable but it can get very messy,
so get the best lawyer that you can, and just worry about yourself and your daughter.
Wishing you all the very best
Wendy
 
I hope you can find a way to spin this in a positive way. I don't think that anger and hate will serve you well during your recovery. My ex and I went through the divorce without lawyers and kept it amicable. It is a lot cheaper this way, but it only works if both of you can do it. Please find a good counselor. 2 life changing events in 1 year is A LOT to go through. I personally don't think you should even contemplate this without pharmaceutical assistance.
I'm sure that you will be reevaluating your life and priorities after OHS, now you are not saddled with a self centered %$@!. In the long run, this is a good thing. (easy for me to say!).
 
This is very poor timing on "HIS" part. I worked for a group of attorneys for 15 years and also am divorced myself. He can file all the paperwork he would like to, you still have a set amount of days to answer. The timing on that begins when you sign a paper saying you received the papers. You can decide if you want this done quickly or if you want it to be drawn out. The first answer is probably quickly but any good family law attorney will tell you do not make quick decisions. You have had major surgery and the attorney should and will take that into consideration. They will be able to protect you from any further harm to your health from stress. I repeat do not make hasty decisions you are talking about the rest of your childrens lives since it will be a long time he will be paying to support them.
My ex-husband looked his attorney in the eye after my second heart surgery and said there is nothing wrong with her heart. His attorney called for my medical records and after recieving them he called me quickly telling me they wanted to settle. I replied that offer is off the table see you in court.
You have many things to consider so do take your time
 
Kathleen said:
My ex-husband looked his attorney in the eye after my second heart surgery and said there is nothing wrong with her heart. His attorney called for my medical records and after recieving them he called me quickly telling me they wanted to settle. I replied that offer is off the table see you in court.
Click to expand...

You GO girl!
 
"Narcissistic Anvil."

Now that's a term I want to remember. I know a few people like that; fortunately my Jerry is not one of them.

Take it slow and easy, and try not to let your emotions affect your healing. See your doctor if you need something.

Unbelieveable. What do his friends & family think?
 
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