This thread came to mind as I read the following sentence which I have taken from another thread.
I]"Seems we all could benefit by staying on topic and only answering posts where you can help."[/I] (Emphasis added)
For sometime I have wanted to think through, and write, out what my friends on this board mean to me. In part, I want to take a few minutes to say a careful thank you to my friends on this board. I got started tonight because I strongly disagree with the sentence quoted above. These very words might have come from my mouth years ago. I now think that this attitude was wrong, and hurtful. I would like to explain why I have changed.
A big part of the problem is defining what is meant by the word "help". I think men (in particular) often fall into the mistake of believing that people describing some important problem are only "helped" if you can give them some factual advice, or a strategy for solving the particular matter at hand.
However, we are often hurt in ways where there is no immediate strategy or information that is going to solve the problem. When we find ourselves in these situations (and I think they happen to us all the time) what do we want from those who surround us and care for us? If you tell me that my cards, letters or expressions of hope/sympathy only distract you in the search for a solution-I think you inflict an additional hurt on both of us. And I think many men (not exclusively, but much more than women) do this to the people around them.
We all need to look at our own responses. Sometimes insisting that we confine the discussion to practical suggestions is really a message that the time I have allotted for you & your problem has expired & I intend to move on. But we are social creatures, and most of us can help/be helped by something as simple as listening-if we are fortunate to have friends willing to invest the time. Have you ever wanted your wife to come in to watch the replay of the athletic performance of some football player? I do this, even though I know she won't get the thrill I just did. I do it because I am a social creature. I would rather watch a basketball game in a crowded stadium than have the whole place to myself-because I am a social creature. There is some way in which the experience is enhanced by sharing with others.
And if I am afraid or confused, I will-of course-want solutions/strategy help. But if all you can do is sympathize, that will mean a great deal to me. I will always remember that it happened to be Karlynn who was the first responder to my first post. I don't remember what she said, but I will always remember that she took the time to respond. Now I am thrilled to see pictures of her-and everyone else’s-grandchildren. If you ask me why, all I can say is that I am a social creature. A pretty nice thing to be if you ask me. I would hate to have missed all the joys that have been shared on this board. And when the next really hard time comes-and it will come for all of us-the sympathies of my friends on the board will not distract me from a solution-they will give me the strength to continue, and to find joy in as many ways as possible.
It is hard to remember or think about it-but a time will come when there is no solution or strategy to solve the problem. But in that very hard time-I will take comfort in the presence of my friends.
I]"Seems we all could benefit by staying on topic and only answering posts where you can help."[/I] (Emphasis added)
For sometime I have wanted to think through, and write, out what my friends on this board mean to me. In part, I want to take a few minutes to say a careful thank you to my friends on this board. I got started tonight because I strongly disagree with the sentence quoted above. These very words might have come from my mouth years ago. I now think that this attitude was wrong, and hurtful. I would like to explain why I have changed.
A big part of the problem is defining what is meant by the word "help". I think men (in particular) often fall into the mistake of believing that people describing some important problem are only "helped" if you can give them some factual advice, or a strategy for solving the particular matter at hand.
However, we are often hurt in ways where there is no immediate strategy or information that is going to solve the problem. When we find ourselves in these situations (and I think they happen to us all the time) what do we want from those who surround us and care for us? If you tell me that my cards, letters or expressions of hope/sympathy only distract you in the search for a solution-I think you inflict an additional hurt on both of us. And I think many men (not exclusively, but much more than women) do this to the people around them.
We all need to look at our own responses. Sometimes insisting that we confine the discussion to practical suggestions is really a message that the time I have allotted for you & your problem has expired & I intend to move on. But we are social creatures, and most of us can help/be helped by something as simple as listening-if we are fortunate to have friends willing to invest the time. Have you ever wanted your wife to come in to watch the replay of the athletic performance of some football player? I do this, even though I know she won't get the thrill I just did. I do it because I am a social creature. I would rather watch a basketball game in a crowded stadium than have the whole place to myself-because I am a social creature. There is some way in which the experience is enhanced by sharing with others.
And if I am afraid or confused, I will-of course-want solutions/strategy help. But if all you can do is sympathize, that will mean a great deal to me. I will always remember that it happened to be Karlynn who was the first responder to my first post. I don't remember what she said, but I will always remember that she took the time to respond. Now I am thrilled to see pictures of her-and everyone else’s-grandchildren. If you ask me why, all I can say is that I am a social creature. A pretty nice thing to be if you ask me. I would hate to have missed all the joys that have been shared on this board. And when the next really hard time comes-and it will come for all of us-the sympathies of my friends on the board will not distract me from a solution-they will give me the strength to continue, and to find joy in as many ways as possible.
It is hard to remember or think about it-but a time will come when there is no solution or strategy to solve the problem. But in that very hard time-I will take comfort in the presence of my friends.
