Preparing your significant other

[William McQueen]

There is considerable difference in the educational levels between myself and my partner. And while I've investigate to some considerable extent for factual content, I find my partner doesn't talk much about my impending operation on January 28th.

I've tried to raise various issues along this road, but generally the conversations are "avoided".

Any anecdotal suggestions or collective wisdom is welcomed.

 

[Granbonny]

Issues?

Issues?

Bill, Which issues of your impending surgery did you try to talk about to your partner? Try to sit your partner down and talk about the way you will be admitted into the hospital, usually very early..how long the operation will last, usually 4-5 hours..how you will be in ICU for 24 hours (and not to be afraid of the tubes sticking out of you) Most will be removed when you are taken to your private room, where you will be for 4-5 days....Instead, tell them to make you walk a lot every day..around the nurses station..and when you come home. Get them involved in where you will sleep (most in a recliner for first week)..help sort your meds.. Any fears, they can e-mail me..I'm under the members as grandbonny....Don't know your age but we have members in their 20's and 80's and we are all doing great. Welcome to our little family... Bonnie

 

[hensylee]

Your partner may not be talking, but might be listening. This is MAJOR SURGERY, you will be out of commission for a good while, you will need help for at least a week or two in getting about and doing your daily routine, you will be weak, you will be sore, you will need pain medicine, and you will (at first) need help in walking when you get home (just for a little while). You will need loose clothing to come home in and after, you won't be able to drive for about 3 - 6 weeks, you will need super understanding. Tell all this to your partner. And ask us any questions you like. There will be many answers. You could just print them off and let your partner read them, if you like. God bless

 

[Nancy]

Hi William-

Welcome to this fantastic site. I'm a significant other. My husband is the patient and he's had considerable medical issues, including 3 heart valve surgeries, 2 lung surgeries , a pacemaker, plus a ton of very serious medical stuff. Right now he's in the hoapitla where he's been since the latter part of December, They are trying to straighten out his congestive heart failure and pulmonary hypertension.

Not that you would ever have those kinds of problems, but I would be very happy to help your wife to get through your surgery. It can be emotionally hard for the spouse to go through heart surgery. The best thing you could do would be to have her learn how to access this site, and post here. There are wonderful caring folks here who've walked many apprehensive people through the process.

So welcome, Bill's wife. I hope I see you here. You could also send me a private message, and I'll get back to you when I have a moment.

 

[Rich]

Bill,
I would have to agree with the others, it sounds like she is just plain scared for you.
Maybe she just doesn't want to upset you with her fears.
I think the whole thing was a lot harder on my wife and family than it was for me.

 

[Mara]

Bill-
I agree with the others. Your partner is probably terrified and not discussing it means not having to deal with feelings of the "what ifs" attached to this major surgery.

My husband did not want to talk about the surgery. He had almost no experience with illnesses. No one is his family ever had any operation outside of child birth, and he's British, too, so that means one does not discuss feelings.

I knew he was listening though. He read all the information I gathered and all the info from the surgeon. And asked questions at all the pre-op visits.

I think you do your partner a disservice to say that he/she can't understand or doesn't want to understand because of the disparity of your education levels. "Book smarts" are not always the best for dealing with emotional things. Common sense is. Your partner is probably a lot stronger than you think. Intellectualizing things can help in the short term, but in the long term you will need good old caring and compassion from someone you love. Understanding the technical aspects of the operation is not as important as understanding that you will be in pain and a grouch for 4 weeks afterward. Cut your partner a break and remember he/she will be seeing you at your most vulnerable.

 

[Scottie]

hi William

hi William

My husband is not a great talker ...not that many Scots men are ....I told him all I knewabout the op and we explained everything to the kids as best we could without giving too much info...my hubby never talked much about his feelings about the whole thing until after the surgery when he told me how scared he had felt .
I left everything I could ...my will ,funeral arrangements,insurance policies and letters ready for him at home in an envelope which thankfully he never had to open.
However my husband was there for me every minute I was in hospital , he stayed by my side as much as UK hospitals allow , longer in fact ...he looked after me and the kids when I came home ..in fact all in all he was my rock .
He may not say a lot but he was there for me ....I just hope you are as lucky as I was ...give your SO a chance ....she might really surprise you ....my husband showed his love and devotion in a far better way than having long discussions about it .
Wishing you all the best .......and yes this is a very long sloppy post for a Scot LOL
Scottie

 

[Bunkenmeyer]

Have them talk to someone else that's been through this

Have them talk to someone else that's been through this

One thing that helped my wife a lot was talking to the spouse of another patient. I had asked my surgeon for a reference (someone my age he had operated on recently). When I spoke with him, he offered that this wife could speak to mine if it would be helpful. It turned out, that was the most helpful part of all. She really appreciated having someone else explain what it was like and admit that they were scared too, etc.

 

[William McQueen]

Thanks for your suggestion, Bunkenmyer. That seems to be a very good suggestion. However, while all of this waiting has been going on for quite a while, the quick scheduling of the surgery, just doesn't permit making that connection, alas, I should have thought of it sooner. And I only discovered this site last week,

There is some kind of mechanism at the hospital for volunteers who have recovered to interact, but the guy who stopped by in preadmission, was so gungho, he was kind of scary.

Cheers,

 

[sylviayasgur]

hi bill!
just wanted to add that there are many of us here who would be more than happy to talk to your s.o., myself included
(i, too, am the s.o.).
please feel free to email me personally and i would be happy to forward you my telephone #.
wishing you all the best, sylvia