Worried about my wife.

[Guest]

Hello all, I'm due to have my aortic valve replaced in a fortnight and I'm feeling pretty positive about it all. We discovered the leak the week before our wedding and with all the excitement and subsequent honeymoon we quickly put the thought of surgery right behind us. Now that the excitement has died down I'm starting to notice that she is becoming quite anxious about the procedure especially when others are discussing it. She maintains she is ok with it all but I really think she is just putting a brave face on it to stop me from worrying about her. I'm just worried that she will be in for a bit of a crash emotionally when we arrive in hospital and get down to business! Is there anything I can do to help ready her for the experience? Thanks in advance for responses

 

[pellicle]

Hi

this is actually a very understanding question. I've made reference to spouse and family many times, but typically the primary concern here is "ME" ... so I'm so glad you asked.

There will likely be as many answers as there are people , for everyone is different.

I started by making sure that my wife was as in touch with my friends and her friends as possible. I made sure she had access to a phone with email and facebook (which she'd mainly been doing on the PC till then) and that she was really comfortable in using it. I did this a few weeks in advance.

Lucky for me she naturally has an excellent sense of humour. So I encouraged that. This gave her something else to focus on (aka taking photos of me in a state where I could not object).

Actually the time when it was hardest on her (from what my friends report) was not soon after the hospital, it was soon after she lost sight of me being wheeled into surgery.

She was very happy to see me in ICU.

Best Wishes

 

[Patsman07]

I'd try and tell her about the statistics associated with this type of operation. I was recently married too when I had mine done, I was 30, surgeon told me that the chances of me not making a full recovery were less than 1%. Surgeons are doing these operations every day of the week, on patients as young as a few weeks old to patients in their seventies. Middle aged/younger people, and their wives, have nothing to worry about in terms of survival. You won't be too pretty to look at for 4/5 days after the operation and you certainly won't feel good during that time. If you have an experience like mine you will be semi conscious for those few days thanks to morphine. But once those initial few days are over, your lives together will continue as before. All the best!

 

[AZ Don]

My wife and my mom waited for me during my surgery. They get along well and I think it was helpful for them to have the company. Also, the number of wires, tubes, etc is more than after most surgeries. It might be helpful to warn her ahead of time.

 

[harrietW]

I am single 53 yr old female and have gone through this last couple of years including the diagnosis alone. Is all l have is my son his new wife and a few friends l. I will say this my only son has most curtainly gone through this emotional roller-coaster with me. And friends very supportive. But mostly if it wasn't for this site .. ld be a crazy lady. My Surgeon consultation is this Tuesday and my son and daughter in law will be with me to better understand what to expect and to try and ease their concerns. They have each other and l have them. And for that l am very grateful.
Best of luck your wife is probably afraid of all the what ifs. . Just as we are ourselves but l have learned to trust all of my Doctors and put my life in their hands .. they know best they save lives every single day. Have faith

 

[AmyBL]

I think people differ in how they cope with stressful events such as this. My husband of many years is a planner; he enjoys the experience of tossing around options and then deciding, but most importantly, acting. What is so difficult for him is the sense of helplessness all of this causes. His ability to plan, organize and direct his actions has gotten him very far in his life and I love that about him. I have been preparing for my surgery mentally for about four years and I am so relieved to learn it will be done around Jan. 24ish. Now that we both know it is coming, he is noticeably worried. I just try to listen and if he makes a suggestion about the timing of the surgery, or who to notify, I try to follow his suggestions. This is not difficult for he and I are not cut from the same cloth: I am much more of an "of the moment" type of person. I don't typically make a lot of plans because as a Mom of three sons, I didn;t find that my plans usually happened how I imagined, but then again, I was O.K. with that. If your wife is like many women I know, she may want to hear that you appreciate her, think she is beautiful, and that you look forward to many years of happy, healthy time together. Good luck with your surgery!

Amy

 

[carolinemc]

Guest, it is normal for what you are going through and your wife also. She does not want you to worry about her, she has to worry about you. Just say a prayer of health and think of positives, like when you will be feeling better and breathing better after surgery. Your healthy glow will return and you will feel like walking around after you are out of the hospital. Be out and about better again. You have a lot to look forward to, family, wife, relations, and friends. Just ry to relax and not stress about the surgery, there will be time for worrying later. Hugs for you and wife. Have a great day,

 

[mn2mx]

My wife and 37 year old daughter are going to be with each other in the surgery waiting room Monday morning. I'm trying not to overly express my fears and anxiety to them. I'm glad they'll be together come what may.

 

[Zoltania]

Also, the number of wires, tubes, etc is more than after most surgeries. It might be helpful to warn her ahead of time.

Agreed. I warned my boyfriend and my sister, who waited through my surgery, that the way I looked afterwards might be a bit frightening. I remember how my stepfather looked in the ICU after his valve replacement surgery: small, vulnerable, and full of tubes. My sister said later that it was good I had warned her because I looked "dead." My boyfriend thought I looked great, but he has seen other people after serious surgeries and had a better basis for comparison.

mn2mx, you and your family are surrounded by caring and good wishes.

 

[BillyG2]

Agreed. I warned my boyfriend and my sister, who waited through my surgery, that the way I looked afterwards might be a bit frightening.

I haven't had surgery yet but have started to warn my girlfriend about what I may look like coming out of surgery. Once my parents and sister get there before surgery, I plan to tell them all what to expect.

Even before I was formally diagnosed (but had self-diagnosed my problem), I started casually talking about open heart surgery (on me) with my girlfriend. She was kind of getting irritated that I was talking about it without a formal diagnosis, but then when she was next to me and the cardiologist confirmed my suspicions were right, neither of us were caught off guard at all.

I know some people don't want to know, and that's fine, but for me, I'd rather know and tell others that will be around me what to expect. I've already told some friends I may go through depression and be irritable after surgery.