What can I say?

[debster913]

Hi, all--

Not sure where to post this, but I thought I'd give it a go here.

I don't know who else besides Ruth has had minimally invasive valve surgery, but I've got a question about how to handle this:

As you all know, no one can see my surgery scar (unless I walk around topless to which only Ross and the hubster could be so delighted ). Anyway, whenever the subject of my having had valve surgery (which doesn't often become a topic) comes up in conversation with new people or people I haven't seen in a while, I get strange stares. Most people's eyes automatically drift to my chest, and when they don't see the mid-chest scar, I'll get those strange looks. One person (a friend I recently reunited with) even bold-faced questioned my credibility, to which I replied as I pretended to lift my shirt, "You wanna see it?" and the person seemed to believe me then.

I know this seems like a Dear Abby question, but how can I best handle those people who seem to think I'm lying about my surgery because they don't see an OHS scar?

And, I'm just curious--have any of you who've had OHS ever gotten weird comments from strangers about your scar? Sometimes I wish I'd had OHS just so that when my valve surgery does surface in conversation, people don't think I'm lying about it, and I can partake in the Tawdry Shirt, too . (It'll be interesting to see what'll happen in the future when/if VR through catheterization becomes the norm).

Sorry for my vent, but would just like to be armed with some good retorts.

Thanks,
Debi (debster913)

 

[geebee]

Gee - I would personally walk away from anyone who questioned my having OHS. Also, I tend to wear shirts that do not show my scar because I like the overall look of the higher necklines, not because I want to hide my scar. Therefore, no one sees my scar anyway. If someone has ever doubted my story, they have not verbalized it to me.

I don't think you need to say anything other than the truth. If someone doesn't believe you, could you really call them "friend"? You know the old saying, "With friends like these..........."

I am sure that isn't really what you wanted to hear - sorry. Why not just offer the information, right at the beginning of any conversation about it, that you were lucky and had your surgery through your side?

 

[Bridgette]

Hi Debi

Hi Debi

I had OHS, and although I don't wear extremely low cut tops the scar is still visible above the average neckline.
I have found that initially when it (the scar) was still quite red (which was in summer) people would stare openly at it and some would come right out and ask about it eg "What happened to you?" (I personally would never quiz a stranger about any aspect of their physical appearance, but some people never hold back )
One day a few months ago my sister and I were buying some wine in a liquor shop, and the woman serving at the counter noticed my scar and started asking me about it. It turned out that her husband had had heart surgery recently too. She was moaning to me that in spite of the heart scare he had had "he still smokes and drinks to excess, he hasn't learnt his lesson at all!"

I guess I don't mind people asking me about it as long as they are polite and don't stare at me as though I am a freak, which I have experienced on occasions
At the moment it is winter over here so it's not so much of an issue but come summer I like to wear singlet tops. I noticed that the top of the scar faded nicely with a bit of controlled sunbathing on it last summer, so I will do a bit more of the same
Don't know if this reply was of any help or answered your query Debi.

Bridgette

 

[Nancy]

Why not just add when you tell them that you had surgery, "I had a wonderful new heart surgery that goes through the side instead of the midline chest" Maybe they will get information that will help them or someone they know in the future.

You never know how many people you meet might have a relative who is facing this surgery.

 

[sue943]

Nancy, you said virtually the same as I was going to, to mention the minimally invasive bit at the same time as saying you had OHS.

I deliberately wear v-necked tops most of the time, just let them look.

 

[Karlynn]

I tend to like v-neck shirts and sweaters (doesn't highlight my double chin ) and have never really cared whether my scar is noticed or not. Since I work as a makeup artist and I'm up close to lots of women (and an occasional man every now and then) I will get comments, mostly from the older clients. "Did you have by-pass surgery? You're too young to have heart surgery." Although I've realized that the 2nd question doesn't get included as much as it used to.

I've never had anyone question whether I had heart surgery (those that haven't seen my scar) but I'm guessing my response probably would have been sarcastic like "No, you're right. I'm lying. My life is just so lonely and dull and boring I have to make up things to get people to notice me. Did I mention that Brad Pitt sent me a get-well card?"

 

[Cooker]

Hi Debi....

1> You seem to be able to be up front and direct. I like that. So if someone doubts your integrity tell them to s_ _ _ w off.

2> I suggest the tawdry bikini

Cooker

 

[debster913]

Usually I just tell people when the ask about the scar that it is on my side, especially when my students have asked. Saying "under my breast" conjures up too many mental images, I think. Thankfully very few people actually question me on the validity of my surgery. This is just few and far between.

Karlynn, I like the sarcastic reply you offered!

The most horrifying experience I had was last summer when my dear mother actually lifted my shirt to show the neighbor lady!

Hmmm...Tawdry Bikini, Cooker? Maybe when I lose those 10 pounds Dr. V's been talking about, get a personal trainer, and magically awake one day looking like Jessica Alba...

 

[Dennis S]

Slightly off topic:

Slightly off topic:

This is slightly off topic, but it reminded me of the best reply I ever heard to nosey people. I had a friend who was a beautiful, intelligent & attractive woman. She never married, and constantly encountered the very nosey, offensive question, particularly from men: "How come a woman like you has never been married?"

Her answer: "I never met the man that deserved to be that happy."

That pretty much stopped the questioners in their tracks.

 

[strawberry]

I had the same thing happen to me recently. Somehow it came up that I had heart surgery as a kid and I saw the eyes go to my chest. Mine goes all the way around my side so you can only see it if I have a something on that's low cut in the back like a cami or a bathing suit.

 

[Adrienne]

Sometimes I wish I'd had OHS just so that when my valve surgery does surface in conversation, people don't think I'm lying about it, and I can partake in the Tawdry Shirt, too

Bite your tongue! You are sooooooooo lucky to have been able to have had minimally invasive surgery on the side to repair your mitral valve!! I am not complaining, mind you. I feel very lucky that I had a surgeon that was experienced enough to repair my mitral valve despite the fact that it was a complicated repair.

In any case, I agree with lots of the replies saying to talk about the new kind of side-entry valve operations right at the beginning.

 

[901]

I'm proud of my scar(s) and look for opportunities to show them off whenever I can!
All of the scars together make a pretty scary halloween face!

 

[musician2k]

I agree with what everyone else is saying here. I also might encounter this some day, since my scar is fading fast. If it's kids that are asking this, I'd keep the information to a minimum, really. Just say something like "you can't see the scar, thank goodness" and walk away.....but if it's adults that are questioning you, or seeming to, then it's probably all for gossip anyway and it doesn't really matter what you say.

 

[Ross]

My opinion, lift the shirt and show em. That'll shut em up.

I get the questions from little kids in the grocery store. I look like an alien walking around with my portable O2, hole in my throat and scar on my chest. Funny thing is, they aren't scared, just curious.

 

[DeWayne]

I have had one scar since I was 5 (1959) That scar goes side to side. As a child that was my battle scar. Anyone asked that is what I told them.

Now I also have a verticle scar, so it looks like I have a cross on my chest. Anyone asks I just tell them I am a child of god and do they want to join my religious cult?

 

[MaryC]

Debi,
I had port access and sometimes I forget people expect to see the scar when I tell them I had heart surgery. I told a lot of people before the surgery I was having this type of surgery so they are not looking for the scar. But every so often I mention the surgery and get strange looks - I just laugh later when I realize they were looking for a scar!

I did surprise myself when I was proudly showing off my scar to my sister and sister-in-law recently. My sister-in-law had 2 valves replaced last year and didn't have port access. She was amazed at my scar.

 

[catwoman]

Debster:

I had a sternotomy for my MV replacement. My husband had same surgeon, same valve fixed, same incision as MaryC.

Thus, we're able to explain the differences between the 2 surgical incisions and tell people that different surgeons do things differently, explain differences in recovery, etc. I hope that John & I have been able to alleviate some people's fears about having OHS and I hope some of these people -- should they need OHS -- request having MIS, rather than a sternotomy.

Of course, not all cardiac procedures can be done via MIS, not all patients are candidates for MIS and not all surgeons do port-acess routinely.

BTW, John has done so well that even I have to keep telling myself that John did have heart surgery.

 

[PeggyM]

I remember buying some turtlenecks prior to the first surgery and then thought, "What the heck am I thinking?" LOL. That so isn't me. Mine shows all the time and I don't mind people asking about it. My favorite answer is "I was bit by a shark!" People are like, oh really???" I say yes, "off the coast of Australia."

Educating "regular" people about the minimally invasive surgery is probably your best bet. Most aren't even aware it exists.

 

[aussie girl]

I am pre surgery and I constantly get strange looks and questioned as to why I get so out of breath doing normal things like going up flights of stairs or walking around the local shopping centre. People seem to like to give me tips on getting fit and I have to explain that I have a heart condition. I guess what i'm saying is that some people are just like that and there will always be someone wanting to know what is or has happened to me ....Mary

 

[Bina]

I am pre surgery and I constantly get strange looks and questioned as to why I get so out of breath doing normal things like going up flights of stairs or walking around the local shopping centre. People seem to like to give me tips on getting fit and I have to explain that I have a heart condition. I guess what i'm saying is that some people are just like that and there will always be someone wanting to know what is or has happened to me ....Mary

Mary, I remember very well being SOB when in stores etc.
I abandonned a shopping cart full of stuff to sit on a bench on the other side of the cashier until the chest pain had subsided....very NOT fun.