It wasn't all roses...

[Mellyouttaphase]

I wasn't sure where to post this and it comes with a big disclaimer - it is quite personal and not particularly pretty. I really struggled emotionally in the days after my surgery. I thought I might share my experience on the chance that others hit a similar bump because I was caught by surprise. I hope this doesn't scare anyone away! Deep breath...


"When I woke up in ICU, I wasn't relieved. I was devastated. Devastated that I had made it through. Angry that I had hard work to do, knowing I will have to do it all again in the future. I had no choice but to recover this time around but I resolved that they wouldn't catch me again.

I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. Whilst everyone on my ward was getting better, I was still thinking of ways out. I had never felt like this before, it was so confusing! I was disgusted in myself because I was supposed to be amazed at the marvels of modern medicine, grateful that I had been given this opportunity and thankful to live in Australia where Medicare picked up the tab. Instead I was caving in with waves of panic that my working body had been mutilated to never be the same again. How could they do this to me? How did I let this happen?!

I hated myself for hating my situation, what a privileged brat I must be! None of the other patients seemed to be so ungracious. "Suck it up! Your prognosis is through the roof - you're one of the lucky ones!" I decided that I must be some kind of vile human being. They should have given my taxpayer-funded operation and hospital stay to somebody more deserving.

Outwardly I put on as brave a face as possible, but when the the long nights came and the curtains closed I would wrap myself in sorrow and cry so loud it would bring the nurses in. I would sit up googling "post-surgical depression" and refuse pain relief, convinced it was making things worse. I was so scared that I would always feel like this that I was further winding myself up in fits of unnecessary emotion.

To my great relief, after a couple of weeks the lights gradually came back on and I have long since returned to my usual upbeat disposition. I still don't entirely understand my knee-jerk reaction though as this is particularly out of character for me. That said, I know I am fortunate that my dark hallway was only a short one. "

 

[honeybunny]

I think you are very brave and very unselfish for sharing your story so that others going through the same experience may take comfort in not being alone. I'm glad the lights came back on. Best wishes for continued recovery. Glad you made it to the other side.

 

[Agian]

I have vague memories of being intubated in ICU. When they took the tube out, my first thought was 'Was that it?' Then I became intensely aware of everything around me. I wanted to know what was going on, to the point of obsession. I had this feeling of impending doom and resented being there. The ICU staff were great, but they moved me to a ward and my room was right next to the nurses' station. They didn't realise I could hear everything they said. What I heard really upset me. Some of them spoke about the patients with such contempt, that it bordered on evil. I got out of there as soon as I could. At home I developed pneumonia. I would spend the day in bed waiting for the night to come, so I could bomb myself out with Endone, only to wake up two hours later.

I'm week six post-op and I remain very introspective. I feel like I still have so many questions. I sent an email to the surgeon's rooms. No answer yet. I won't say I'm depressed, but I remain anxious and preoccupied.

I hope I didn't hijack your story, but I thought this was a good place to share mine.

 

[almost_hectic]

Here is a great thread going back aways on here I think is a very good read on anxiety after heart surgery http://www.valvereplacement.org/forums/forum/post-surgery/853373-post-surgery-anxiety

 

[almost_hectic]

All the anesthesia, pain killers and other meds wreak havoc on your brain. You're not thinking straight and it messes with your emotions. Its difficult to fight through all that. It takes time.

 

[Paleowoman]

I appreciate what you’ve written, Melly, and the title of your thread. It definitely wasn't all roses for me too but when I write about it I sometimes get the feeling that it’'s not done to write anything too negative about this type of surgery. I wasn’t emotionally upset, but things were pretty rough post surgically - apart from when I was in ICU actually - yes ICU was my best day in several months post surgically - I felt really well then, but after that it was rather downhill. And I don’'t feel grateful for having had surgery because I feel less fit now than I did before surgery ! And that was over two and a half years ago ! I think this is because in Europe they prefer to do surgery before that are any symptoms as opposed to the US where they appear to wait until a person has symptoms - not sure of Australia. If I’'d had symptoms and felt poorly before surgery I’'m sure the difference after would have compensated for the negative effects of surgery.

Wishing you a now smooth recovery ! We're all here for you !

 

[dornole]

Seems like an honest reaction. Emotions are not to be commanded sometimes. Glad you returned to your upbeat disposition, it is a blessing. Your story can be a gift for someone else and maybe it'll help you have compassion for someone with persistent depression sometime.

I hated myself for hating my situation, what a privileged brat I must be! None of the other patients seemed to be so ungracious. "Suck it up! Your prognosis is through the roof - you're one of the lucky ones!" I decided that I must be some kind of vile human being.

Your words are pretty close to what it's like, as is the terror it may never get better. At least if I experience post-op depression I'll have tools and experience! You handled it well.

 

[Catie]

I'm sorry those weeks post op were so terrible for you emotionally. Everyone reacts differently to stress, to being faced with mortality, pain and dysfunction. I think sometimes too we hold ourselves tightly together until a crisis is over. Some of those feelings may have been building for some time.

It's good to hear that the sun broke through for you, but I'm sure those weeks were exhausting and discouraging. Thank you for sharing all you did.

 

[JulienDu]

Well, I think it is good that you talk about that so fast after surgery. And you are not alone although I think the symptoms vary from one person to another.

In my case, I did not admit **** though my wife and friends ( including Pellicle ) told me that I was getting crazy, depressed post surgery and that was making me even more angry. Before the surgery I had the feeling that nothing could destroy me and that I was fucking invulnerable. I lived through many closed to death situation in the bush, wether when I was trapping in very harsh winter conditions, or when I was completly lost during a several months expedition with barely any food. I have been guiding people in the bush for hunt or half survival expedition and people have always trust me and knew they could rely on me.

But after that surgery, I felt something broke. I was asymptomatic too ( like Paleogirl ) so I did not see any difference pre or post surgery because the concern was the aneurysm. I felt like I lost that fucking aura surrounding me, I felt like ****, I felt like I was vulnerable and that I was a fucking 30 years old already on drugs when I have been 100 percent against drugs. I was like : "how the **** am I going to take care of my family in the bush or guide if I depend so much on those drugs to live". I was like "what if I have endocarditis in the bush", what if I get a stroke when I have people that rely on me...what if this, what if that I think it is slowly getting better now 6 months post surgery but that crappy feeling takes times to go away...

So yeah, don't feel sorry that you had a break down, I am sure it is happening to many of us and you are in the right place to talk about it.

 

[pellicle]

Melly

I wasn't sure where to post this and it comes with a big disclaimer - it is quite personal and not particularly pretty. I really struggled emotionally in the days after my surgery. I thought I might share my experience on the chance that others hit a similar bump because I was caught by surprise. I hope this doesn't scare anyone away! Deep breath...


"When I woke up in ICU, I wasn't relieved. I was devastated. Devastated that I had made it through."

there is a lot here and its hard to discuss this online so I'll just say that such feelings are not uncommon although you have had them deeper than many.

There is a view (which I am unwilling to dismiss, but can not say I "believe" in it) that suggests that under some circumstances you can glimpse what lays beyond here. The analysis of that is fraught with many "IFFs and BUTTs" , but none the less perhaps it was that you glimpsed what you liked and wanted to remain there?

I'm no psychologist (thank god, most of them a buttheads) but if you need an ear PM me.

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

Thank you for your responses, this forum is such an excellent resource due to the compassion and support afforded by its community!

To be honest, it made me quite emotional reading your replies - especially those who endured a similar experience.


I just really didn't anticipate that it was going to be this hard. I am not sure if it's because I didn't prepare myself enough or it's because you simply cannot ever be prepared enough. I was super casual going into it. If I thought about things too much I would get stressed out so just put it out of my mind and referred to my impending valve replacement as a small procedure... Right. Most people at my gym when they found out I'd disappeared for surgery assumed I was getting a boob job! Ha.


The discussion around the fact that in the wild this would be a fatal injury struck a chord. I actually had not thought of it that way. It's like I am only still grasping the gravity of what my body went through even though I have had my whole life to get ready for the day that was bound to arrive. It makes sense to say that we go into shock.


Pellicle, what you posted gave me chills. Very interesting theory indeed. There are so many ways of looking at how I coped (or didn't cope) with my situation but even now it helps to know that such emotions are more prevalent than I initially thought.


Paleogirl, I too have the woes of the asymptomatic. Basically, I felt great before surgery (I had actually adapted well to my condition but had severe pulmonary regurgitation) and woke up feeling like I was hit by a truck. Having to go back into theatre a week later for Pericardial and Pleural effusions to be drained only amplified my concerns - I was fine and now I am broken. In the emotional state I was in, it was cut and dried.


With a clear mind before and after this window of "aaaarrrrrgggghhhh" I am seriously stoked that I have enjoyed a mostly healthy life but wonder if it's harder emotionally having major surgery when you cannot feel that it is going to fix anything?




Side note:
Today turned to poo when my dad called me. I had a chest X-ray ordered yesterday by my GP thanks to a persistent pleural effusion. My surgeon received and somebody (??) called my dad (!!) to tell him they want me to front up to Prince Charles Hospital which is four hours away to have it drained tomorrow. My dad (who shouldn't be dealing with this call, I am 31 years old) explained that I have a review with my surgeon on Tuesday to which they replied, "all good, we'll catch up with her then".

So of course I call my surgeon's office which is in the private hospital next door, they know nothing about it. I then speak to every second staff member of Prince Charles Hospital and nobody who knows who called my dad or if I am supposedly having a procedure done on Tuesday. I've decided that I will just run away really fast if they mention they want to do it then and there!

 

[pellicle]

I had mine done at Prince Charles

Jalali?

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

Jalali indeed! Pretty cool knowing the all-wise Pellicle had the same surgeon, I think I am going to make it. Phew.

 

[pellicle]

Jalali indeed! Pretty cool knowing the all-wise Pellicle had the same surgeon, I think I am going to make it. Phew.

It's a tough label to live up to

I don't think of myself that way

Jalali is a legend , does charity work in Burma and other bits of Asia. Takes the toughest cases. He worked under O'Brien and Stafford, who were the team that did my first and second surgery in 74 and 91

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

I hope I didn't hijack your story, but I thought this was a good place to share mine.

Definitely not a hijack, Agian. Thank you for sharing your story! I suspect there some of you, like me, stumbled across this site looking for information but stayed when they realised they no longer felt so alone.

I think it is appalling that you were subjected to hearing the nurses speak in such an unprofessional manner. Actually, I think that is downright disgusting. Have you spoken to anybody about this?

 

[Agian]

I think it is appalling that you were subjected to hearing the nurses speak in such an unprofessional manner. Actually, I think that is downright disgusting. Have you spoken to anybody about this?

I'm contemplating it, but a part of me wants to put it behind me.

 

[Mellyouttaphase]

I can appreciate that, Agian. A personal choice entirely! I just didn't think that kind of thing really happened. People can be... ****. it takes a certain degree of compassion to work in nursing, particularly looking after people who have undergone traumatic procedures. I couldn't have dealt with even half of the patients on my ward, but maybe that's one of the many reasons I wouldn't consider that job. Perhaps this rotation are all long overdue for a holiday.

In any case, here's to finding the strength to move past such an icky and completely unnecessary experience.

 

[Agian]

If life's a journey Melly, then the destination must be death. What's important therefore, is the experience we gain along the way.
Knowing there are so many arseholes out there must be one such lesson.

 

[q2bruiser]

Thank you for sharing. It touched me deeply.

 

[bgilbert]

Thanks a lot for posting this. I am having my surgery in two weeks, and quite honestly I fear this type of thing more than the actual surgery.. I am also a really positive person, but just knowing the surgery is coming soon has me depressed to a small degree already.. I can't imagine what it will be like post-op after being on the heart-lung machine, and with the drugs, etc.. But your post will help me remember that these feelings will hopefully go away at some point, and I will try to focus as much as I can on positive things, like my recovery. Easier said than done I am sure!.. But at least I know that it's coming, and that it probably won't be a permanent thing. which is my biggest fear..