3 months and summer is over

[Megan]

hi everyone: just wanted to say hi and sorry for losing touch. Im so sad to hear about TBONE. This is just so terrible and my thoughts and prayers are with his family and this vr family and for you Ross especially. I tried to read what happend but then I had to stop because sometimes for me this is too close to home and it gets me really anxious since I almost didnt make it over that mountain myself and I start to worry about how in the world Im going to repay GOd for the miracle of my life! . In fact, Im sure this is partly the reason why Ive been missing here- I've been in a pretty bad funk-ok depression I think. I dont know if it was just too much this summer with the kids home and not enough rest and breaks after the first month of recovery or just the normal stay at home mom who wants to jump onthe the next train to anywhere but here! but its been rough. I did get myself out of town with the girlfriends this past weekend and it helped immensely.

Im wondering if anyone out there has dealt with post op depression at post op 3 months? any tips to pull myself up by my bootstraps?

this saturday it will be the end of "the first 100 days" post surgery and living life with this new ATS valve of mine. All things considered, im almost back to 100% physically i think. I took my first bike ride this past week, Ive taught my 4 yr old to ride a 2 wheeler- running after him! swam 2 laps one day in the pool...and im in cardiac rehab so hopefully inanother few weeks ill increase my cardio endurance more. only residual is achiness in my chest- especially in the morning-the head games- and then the clicking. the valve itslef during the day is quiet as a mouse- cant hear it at all. But once the sun goes down and/or it gets quiet- (ie the kids go to bed!) i can hear AND feel it pounding and clicking away. Im still taking the beta blocker (metroprolol) and wondering if maybe I hsould be taking more or less. dont know. just want it to stop so i can further wean myself off the xanax at night which i still take at least a few times a week. any thoughts?

thanks as always for listening and providing any insights to help me feel normal again!

megan

 

[Star54]

I have been taking Xanex for many years and Metoprolol before my OHS, do not try to wean yourself off of either without the doctor's approval. Without the Xanex you will get anxiety, which is the last thing you need with your funk-(depression?). My metroprolol dosage was increased after the operation, and the Xanex was increased just before. You are over the mountain and alive..there is a reason for everything. You are doing great, and you do not realize it.
Maybe this is just another small bump to overcome...I have seen real bad depresssion after OHS, I do not think you are in that frame of mind. Just by posting here, you just need to talk. Most of the depressed people I know (and i know quite a few), do not want to even talk about their problem, they just stay to themselves and have become recluse. It sounds like you are a great Mom who needs some "me days" now. You may have done too much too quick. Mommy's don't get disability from work, like single gals (me), you had to hit the ground running!
I hope you will be ok...I will pray that you are ok.
Linda

 

[tcopel]

megan. Just wanted to let you know that what you are going through is not uncommon. When I found out the Tbone was gone, I too, felt a loss because he was one of us. I think we have a common thread that course through the many people here on VR. We have shared the very real fear of dying or loss of health, the anxiety of what would happen to our families if we could not provide for them, and sometimes the anger of feeling "why me?" It is the feeling shared by those who have been in the foxhole together, so to speak, when the bullets are flying. I feel as if I've lost a comrade and friend who knows what I've been through.

As depression is fairly common, it wouldnt hurt to talk to a therapist. Occasionally short term antidepressants medications help. Most of time, tincture of time is the most important thing, to collect your thoughts and emotionally right yourself as you 'prove' to yourself as the days go by, that you are really going to be ok. The brush with the possibility of death is a real jaw slapper and wake up call. In the end, however, it was a brush and you have done well. From a personal note, I really do not think you have to repay God for the miracle of life. I'm not sure how one can do that.

The clicking of your valve can be an irritant as it reminds you, in the quiet of the night, what you just went through. I suspect, as you heal emotionally and continue to heal physically, that you will get aclimated. I have PVC's all the time but I notice them frequently at night as I try to go to sleep. It really annoyed me for the first few months to the point where I could not sleep, but I find that I do just fine now, thankyou, and I believe you will also.

 

[Megan]

thank you so much. your kind words are so helpful to hear.

 

[jax]

Megan you are doing just great. I have to say that there are days where i am in a funk too. But keeping busy and not allowing myself to think about it has always been the best solution for me. so I was thankful to be able to go back to work the beginning of august because by that time sitting at home was driving me nuts. The kids must be really keeping you busy and you need some time for yourself to do what you want whether it is just to sit in the peace and quiet or do something that you love to do. whenever i hear my valve at night i don't let it bother me i just think hey atleast i know it's working but i can see how it would bother other people. with me i haven't even had a chance to think about the surgery and how close i came to not making it through. just thankful my nurse on duty noticed i was in heart block ( which i am not anymore). but now i have other health issue's that i have had to deal with the last month so ofcourse my focus has been on those. try to take the time you need for yourself. that will help you greatly.

 

[briansmom]

Megan,
Please don't be hard on yourself. Depression is VERY common after OHS. Let's see, you had OHS, you are trying to recuperate, and oh you also have young rambunctious kids at home for the summer! I think you deserve a medal just for surviving the summer. Please take some time for yourself, talk to someone, take anti-depressants (it is temporary), do what you need to do.

Hang in there.

 

[Kim B]

Megan, my surgery was the same week as yours. Today I left work about an hour early because I was getting tired and negative thoughts invaded my mind and the tears started flowing. I knew I wouldn't be able to stop and didn't want to be seen like that, so I pulled it together just enough to get my sunglasses on and leave. Things in my family and at work really are falling apart, but I know normally I wouldn't be crying like this and staying stuck in negativity. So yeah, I'm also dealing with depression at 3 months post op.

As far as tips to help, exercise, writing about your feelings here, reading positive affirmations and eating a balanced diet can help. The difficult part is finding the motivation to do those types of things when depressed. I wish I knew and could tell you how to do that.

Regarding the clicking, my experience with valve noise is about the same as yours. I don't hear it at all during the day, but sometimes I hear it at night. For me, the metoprolol helps with the noise. A couple of times it was because I heard the faint clicking noise that I realized I was late in taking my evening dose.

Please believe that this will pass. It is just part of the process but you will get through it and probably feel better than ever when you fully recover. Take care.

 

[Megan]

kim - thank you. it is so reaffirming to know these crazy tears of mine that just come on without much notice are the new normal! and deanne and jackie to! today i took your advice and instead of doing yet another load of laundy or vacuuming I went and got a mani-pedi and it made me feel a little bit better i also spoke to my dr and she told me to try increasing my metroprolol to hopefully get the pounding to stop so i started that right away. ill write back in a few days to let you know if that works too. I do just have to come to some better terms with the noise. At least I am sleeping thanks so much again. It really is hard to talk about it now with friends and family- because you want to be strong for them and make themthink its all good. as one of my girlfriends said, she hates to be "debbie downer"! but writing does help so much! talk to you all soon
meg

 

[Star54]

Megan,
It's really hard to put the "game face" on for everyone else, they have no idea what you have been through. I'm gald you did the mani-pedi thing. Now try to schedule a "me day", hey, if I felt better I would meet you at Foxwoods, or Mohegan!...that's my idea of a me day, keep posting so that we know you are ok...

Linda

 

[Cris N]

Megan, I went through a bout of terrible depression after my surgery - a totally bizarre experience for me. I went to the dr who prescribed anti-anxiety med for me. Worked quite well - helped me get back in balance again. ASK for HELP... with all the other stuff going on in your life you deserve it.

For me, the pounding disappeared fairly quickly as did my constant awareness of the clicking. I still hear it from time to time, but mostly am able to ignore it. I do warn new co-workers though so they don't think Captain Hook is lurking nearby