October 20th, 2011, 5:30AM

[BCMike]

Well, it's only 8 sleeps away and I can't wait to get this over with. All of the fears that I didn't know I even had are coming to the surface. That tube in my throat! The catheter not working properly! Pulling the pace wires out! DHCA! Being the first patient at the hospital to have this product installed - and them not doing it right! Having to inject my MS medication freehand. Post-op complications!

At the end of the day, I am soo thankful to be alive and in the hands of such skilled doctors and nurses. If I don't have this done, I won't be around this time next year. I use self-talk to calm my fears and reassure myself that it's all going to be okay.

But for some reason, I have this one annoying thought that i can't seem to push away. It is something like "I have a bad feeling about this surgery - I don't know what it is, but I just feel like I'm not going to make it"

On top of that, I practice mindfulness on a daily basis - both formally and informally. Studies show that positive thinking and those with a fighting spirit have a higher survival rate than their counterparts.

So then I think "Maybe it's these negative thoughts and feelings that are going to be my demise."!

I think that I think too much!

Any thoughts you can share to help me adjust my thinking in a more positive direction would be much appreciated.

TIA,

-Mike

 

[escargome]

Well, you might try planning something fun (vacation) with your family and/or friends for a few months after your surgery that way you have something truly positiive to look forward too and not a lot of time to dwell on the negative thoughts. Keeping you in my thoughts...

 

[chaconne]

BCMike,

I agree with escargome, having some plans to get back to can really make a difference keeping positive and recovering. My first AVR is in less than 4 weeks and I'm stressing a little too, but I'm planning to fight through and enjoy life after.

I've been through 2 successful surgeries for cancer and keeping focused on life/living made a big difference.

I will keep you in my prayers.

-Steve

 

[Bina]

That last week before surgery kept myself busy making lists and notes for dogsitter/catsitter/rodent sitter/goat boarding,
organizing frozen food, ensuring all laundry was done, moving needed items onto tables within reach, and generally
just being obsessive about everything. Then they called me in 2 days early so the last minute-mental breakdown-
was avoided. LOL
No, seriously, you will be fine. You have got to put your trust and faith in someone else's hands for now.

 

[Bina]

Hey, you aren't on the VR calendar, will put you on right now !!

 

[Fundy]

Hi Mike,

I found positive visualization to work well when I started skydiving, rather than focus on the bad happening, I focused on everything going well and visualizing myself enjoying the freefall, enjoying the flight under canopy, and by focusing on the awesome scenic views from those vantage points.

I also learned under freefall instruction that when scared we tend to stop breathing, which lowers the oxygen available to blood, which increases anxiety and intensifies fear; so breathing is important and to work into routine procedure to do at least three deep breaths always before stepping out of plane. So a routine of happy thoughts with deep breathing exercises may help.

Also maybe for starters you should certainly change your thoughts of "I have a bad feeling... " to " I have a good feeling about this surgery, I don't know why, but I just know its going to go completely well" and combine with sometype of happy place visualization.

I just found out last Friday that I'll be having AVR sometime in November. For now, I'm still just planning on being scared, as it seems simpler than skydiving.

 

[nngbwh]

We've all been through this surgery and came out on the other side of the mountain. Have faith in your surgeon. You will do fine.

I will be praying for a successful surgery for you and a quick recovery. Make sure you keep us all posted.

 

[Adrienne]

You can't have a more lucky day than Thursday, October 20!!! I had my MV repair on Thursday, October 20, 2005, and everything went very well!!! Good luck!

 

[epstns]

Whenever I have a "bad feeling" I ask my self "Why?" I review the facts and probabilities with myself, and usually realize that I am over-exaggerating some fear that, while statistically possible, is not the likely outcome. Also I ask myself why I am so concerned about an outcome, and usually can clearly see that things are not that bad. I was only half-joking when, before my valve surgery, I told my family "If it all goes bad, I won't even know it." Kind of dark humor, but a worst case truth. Reality was quite a bit different, and I'm here to joke about it.

 

[BCMike]

Thanks folks, but I've tried that positive thinking crap - I knew it wasn't going to work!

Seriously though, thanks for all the suggestions and comments. Unfortunately, I feel much more supported here than at home. I guess it's because you guys can all relate. That, and you don't have to put up with me constantly holding you back!

Most of my fears are irrational and I can talk myself around them, I guess it's just this bad gut feeling I have. I didn't have this feeling last time. And I always trust my gut. I'm not scared of dying or death itself. I guess in a little over 1 week, I'll know whether my gut was right. I obviously don't want it to be - but I am seldom wrong.

I just moved into a new house, so I have a lot to keep me busy. Unfortunately, I'm not up to doing most of the work. I can definitely feel the resentment building!! Just sitting around can tire me out!

Perhaps distractions are the answer. Before we know it- it will be Friday the 21st, and either way, I won't have this annoying gut feeling anymore. Unless, of course, I wake up from surgery and for some reason it wasn't able to get completed and they have to reschedule to go back in!

The thought of getting some energy back truly excites me. There's so much I want to do.

-Mike

 

[piglet]

I'm sure your "gut feeling" is your fear dicking with your logic. My gut is telling me you'll be fine, so how about we have a wager. I'll bet you, five bucks I'm right.
I also doubt your family resents that you can't do more to help right now, they are likely just anxious about your upcoming surgery too. I know how you feel though, I felt the same way before surgery, after too, for that matter, I think it was just me feeling guilty about not being there for them. My husband had taken two weeks off to get the truck ready for the race season and on the first day of his holiday I went into the hospital. Hang in there Mike and come here and vent.

 

[offwego]

Thanks folks, but I've tried that positive thinking crap - I knew it wasn't going to work!

Seriously though, thanks for all the suggestions and comments. Unfortunately, I feel much more supported here than at home. I guess it's because you guys can all relate. That, and you don't have to put up with me constantly holding you back!

Most of my fears are irrational and I can talk myself around them, I guess it's just this bad gut feeling I have. I didn't have this feeling last time. And I always trust my gut. I'm not scared of dying or death itself. I guess in a little over 1 week, I'll know whether my gut was right. I obviously don't want it to be - but I am seldom wrong.

I just moved into a new house, so I have a lot to keep me busy. Unfortunately, I'm not up to doing most of the work. I can definitely feel the resentment building!! Just sitting around can tire me out!

Perhaps distractions are the answer. Before we know it- it will be Friday the 21st, and either way, I won't have this annoying gut feeling anymore. Unless, of course, I wake up from surgery and for some reason it wasn't able to get completed and they have to reschedule to go back in!

The thought of getting some energy back truly excites me. There's so much I want to do.

-Mike

LOL...I am going in the same day you get your surgery and am having surgery the next day...

I wasn't feeling scared or anxious until I read your post...hahaaha

But seriously....for me I just know I have no real choice, I know it will most likely improve my life greatly...I've also been through it once before and I survived and I am certain I am much better prepared for this one..

I actually planned NOT to read or over read on this forum and to use it carefully as in general...there is a higher percentage of people online posting who have a more complicatred problem or complications in general..I hope that doesn't sound insulting to anyone...but it seems to me that the people who have a very good surgery and recovery generally might not be the ones to seek out help and support.

It's the rest of us losers who do! (joke joke joke!)

But seriously, be careful what you read and expose yourself too....I wish there was a 'good stories' only section of this forum...I honestly really want to read about people like me who have similar problems and how much their life has changed for the better....and the more specific the better.

I posted asking if anyone had more heat sensitivity and found many do...but what I really wanted to read was how after surgery it was so much better.

Can't people just lie to us??

OK, it's late and I hope you got a laugh out of this post.

Let's focus on the incredible technology that will heal us, offer us better lives and enable us to inspire others who might have similar challenges.

I'll be rooting for you...

 

[Jkm7]

As to the notion that it's mostly those who haven't done well or have complicated issues are the ones who come to this site often, I need to say that isn't true.

Many of us here were so appreciative for the support and education we got here, for this resource being available that some, like me, promised ourselves when we were back on our feet and doing well we would 'pay it forward'. I had no one in my family or circle of friends from whom I could garner information and learn. I have wonderful doctors but we all know despite their generosity with time and information there are limits.

If I can help one person over one rough spot they might be having or share one tiny nibble of help in whatever way, I am grateful to have the opportunity to do so.

I'm doing great. I have no need for help here today but, of course, can't predict the future.
I appreciate being able to come here.

 

[BCMike]

I guess it's true though - that there's not much of a story to tell when everything goes according to plan. Therefore, we end up reading mostly about problems people are having or have had and possible solutions to the problems. I think it's great! (not that people have had problems, but the support for these people!)

But there is definitely some truth to the saying 'ignorance is bliss'. My first OHS in 1999, I went in without a worry in the world - completely putting my trust in the medical team looking after me. I wasn't stressed or at all concerned, but on the other hand, this almost got me killed.

This time around, I'm pretty paranoid about all of things that could go wrong - many of which I didn't know about until joining this site and just generally surfing the web. I think I probably represent both ends of the spectrum in regards to worrying. The healthy place is probably somewhere in between. It is often said that knowledge is power, but I sure wish I hadn't watched all those surgeries on YouTube! There are some things I'd rather not know!

Hopefully, I'll be posting here in a little over a week telling everybody they have nothing to fear. I'll be lying, of course, but I'll be alive! I know that, logically, it makes absolutely no sense to worry about things that haven't happened yet because then you have to live through them twice if they do happen. Worrying really serves no purpose.

In the meantime, I appreciate all of your support, prayers (even though I'm not religous), and encouragement. I just try to keep distracted most of the time and have started preparing for when I come home from the hospital. Even went out and lined up a rental lift chair to arrive before I get released. It's pretty ugly, but f***ing comfortable!

 

[offwego]

I wasn't only referring to people on this forum...Obviously people stick around and support others (as I did too) and help them through the uncertainty and the connection we all share. I was speaking in general about the internet, (generally) there's little reason to post that you had 'x' surgery or took 'any' medication and it all went well. Sure many community minded people (me included) do like helping others with my experiences. But it's important to always remember that certain information on the web is often 'skewed' by those who don't participate for reasons stated already.

Mike, try to think of this as 'routine'...sure it's not routine for us but it is for the doctors and nurses...That's what I remind myself of...It's everyday surgery and usually drama free....and we have no real choice anyway so we might as well go with the flow!

 

[wvu mountaineer]

Mike,

I am headed into AVR surgery on the same day (Oct. 20th). It will be my second time (homograft in 3/98). My impression of the first surgery was much better than I expected. The first thing I thought was "can do this again if need be". So here I go again, but I am going mechanical. I don't want a third. You will do fine and the thing I noticed is you can't believe how much better you feel everyday. Good luck.

 

[rubywhistle]

BC Mike

Wow you sound just like me!

All the fears that are possibly due to over education combated by constant positive self talk and still a lingering BAD FEELING.

I go in on the 24th so let us know ASAP when you wake up or I wont go haha


(and on a side note I know some ppl will disagree with our too much knowledge theory but there are some things I did not want to know in advance and yep like you youtube showed me most of them)

 

[Jason]

I found this site very helpful to me after surgery, and wish that I had found it before. Instead, I found lots of misinformation on the web with a lot of just plain wrong conclusions and whatnot. It wasn't until after my surgery that I found this site, and it has been a godsend to me. I think this site did more to settle my mind than anything else.

I do hear you, though, as far as your thoughts getting away from you before the surgery. My wife was quite tired from dealing with my negative thoughts, and as much as I tried to get myself in the right place mentally I couldn't do it. THat is partly why I was very glad to have a short time between diagnosis of aneurysm and the actual surgery date. I know some on this site have had long waits, and I am not sure how I would have been with that! I suppose like everything else, you make do. Mike, I am sure you will come out on the other side just fine, and probably like me it won't be as bad as you had imagined it. I look forward to hearing your success story.

 

[Bev]

Hey Mike, Good luck on the 20th fellow Canuck. You'll do fine. I think it's totally normal to worry and be stressed about the surgery, but posts on this site prepared me for what I would face immediately post op and in the weeks to come. When I woke up after the surgery I remained calm, didn't stress about the breathing tube, I wasn't in pain, the catheter worked fine, wasn't aware of any pacing wires, no real issues, just the extremely DRY THROAT that we all have complained about. When I got out of ICU my blood pressure was low and I was very weak when they tried to get me out of bed. But like you've heard a thousand times before, it gets a little better every day. I am 12 weeks AVR post op, and feeling pretty darn good these days. It's wonderful to get your strength back and feel like your old self.
So you are the first patient to get an ON-X valve at your hospital. I'm guessing you pushed for the On-X. Good for you! Looking forward to reading your post op posts.
By the way, I'm not that big on being positive either. I had to really force myself to think positve about the whole thing and stop worrying and stressing so much.

 

[BCMike]

Thank you so much everyone!

Only 2 sleeps to go! (that's if I manage to sleep!)

I just learned from my surgeon that "everything we need should be on our shelves today"! (The new ON-X valve with attached AAP)

Also, my appliance salesman dropped by to check out some deficiencies and it turns out his wife runs the CCU and he would see to it that I would get extra care and attention!

Everything's looking good again. I just wonder how long this nice feeling will last. Oh no, there it goes.....lol