I wish I never lived

[MaryC]

Duncan,
I don't post very often but your thread jumped out at me. Mostly because I, until the last 2 years, was mad because I was dealt the hand of having a heart condition. One which has forced me to make career decisions I would have otherwise not made and which most likely result in another surgery (hopefully just one!) in my lifetime. Since then I had a sister diagnosed with a rare disease that continues to disable her and will most likely result in her being bedridden and on a feeding tube. I also have a sister in law (nonsmoker!) in her early 40's diagnosed with lung cancer where her monthly scans have us praying for good results. Now I am thankful for this wonderful heart problem that can be treated.....being able to be here with my family is the most important thing. I LOVE this broken heart! Good luck, Duncan. I think you will realize you have many things to be thankful for.

Chris

 

[MarkU]

i did mean in a funny way ya dry humor lol sorry

That's cool. You will get through this. Explore your options to help you decide what to do. When one door closes another one always opens.
Mark

 

[hook]

I watched my brother die waiting for a heart; I can still picture him laying there bloated with fluids until his system shut down. All he wanted was to live to see his kids grow up. When I hear someone say they wish they would have died after being given a second chance, it make me sick.

You need to man up brother

 

[Mimi]

Hi Duncan,

I had a medical review done by my government department last month and was given a letter saying that I'm unable to participate in emergency work and that I must do desk duties. The medical examiner was a GP, who has no understanding of my heart condition. I was going to appeal the decision and get a letter from my cardiologist stating that I purpose no greater risk then any other officer in my field. I spoke to my manager and he said that I should be glad that I can get out of it. However, I feel like I'm letting the team down and not contributing enough in my workplace.

I understand when people make the comment, 'time to move on and reevaluate your life choices.' However, moving on can be hard for people. I don't want to quit my job because of my medical illness. I'm in my 30's and I've worked hard to graduate from university and I have 15 years in the work place. I read about a cardiac surgeon who had cancer and worked up until two weeks before he died.

Therefore, my advice Duncan is to fight to stay in the police force. I'll be fighting to keep my job because I'll not ready to move on.

Take care. Mimi

 

[Kathy McCain]

Hi Duncan,

There is certainly a wealth of GREAT advice here, from our forum members. I really can not add anything else. Just want to say though, that I feel for you, and I believe you will work things out. There will be brighter days ahead!

Please take care and post anytime.

 

[Cris N]

You might try here:
http://www.pacemakerclub.com/public/jpage/1/p/story/a/storypage/sid/16568/content.do

 

[Greg a]

You might try here:
http://www.pacemakerclub.com/public/jpage/1/p/story/a/storypage/sid/16568/content.do

Duncan that is another good site that I am on as well but as you have an ICD I had posted on the ICD site asking for a female in central Ontario
there have been a few more posts since I PM'd you

http://icdsupportgroup.org/board/viewtopic.php?f=24&t=6685

also there is both federal and provincial funding for retraining and they will supplement you income as you train......your posts lead me to think you are fluent in French as well as english so my friend the world is your oyster .................pick a pearl

maybe a justice of the peace you have it all training in the law french/english (there I go again assuming) and if you get into the Service Canada program I posted in #3 they will help place you .................that would be my dream job......do weddings .....sign warrents.......lock 'em up danno LOL

 

[Luana]

Duncan,
One sure-fire way to always be miserable is to sit around and feel bad for yourself and not be grateful for anything. I know we all fall into that mode to some degree at one time or another, but your life is worth living.

 

[ryen0]

I'm kind of taken aback be the "man up" type posts. duncanjo is just venting like all of us need to do every once and awhile. the whole "someone has it worse" cliche doesn't help. i know, i've heard it far too many times. let's try to be more understanding and encouraging. duncanjo, hang in there buddy. the only advise i can provide is something that has always helped me in my darkest hours. you have to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. who knows what the tide will bring in? and that is from a movie of all things

 

[Marcia58]

duncanjo,

I heard back from Guidant:

In regards to your question about gun usage with an ICD, a patient would
want to discuss gun usage with his cardiologist regarding the possible
physical impact of a gun on the actual ICD or leads. The gun would not
cause the ICD to shock a patient, but the physical impact on the actual
ICD or leads can sometimes cause damage to the ICD or leads if there is
recoil from something like a shotgun or other weapon that might rest
against the shoulder with the device implanted in it.

If a person is right handed, and his/her device is implanted in the
upper left chest, there may not be an issue, but again, the patient
would want to discuss with his/her cardiologist.

 

[Guest]

I should of used better words to express my anger.. I was just upset when i wrote this very upset and mad at everything and anyone.

I imagine everyone here can relate to that anger. I know I can ... but for different reasons. Since I've only known "heart problems", that has been the "norm" for me ... so I haven't been able to do a lot of things my friends have. I've no idea why I'm still alive ... I've no idea what that "something" is ... maybe I'll never know.....



Cort | 36.m.IL | 5 Monte Carlos.1 Caprice Classic | pig valve.pacemaker * 07/24/2010=ChitownMeet #3 *
MCs.CC | models.HO.legos.CHD.RadioShows | RoadTrips.us66 = http://www.chevyasylum.com/cort
"Are we having fun yet?" ... Nickelback ... 'This Is How You Remind Me'

 

[BDMc]

Duncanjo, I couldn't read all the replies you got, but want to add another possible purpose for you to consider: if they tell you you can't go back, fight to educate them and get the rules changed! All the best, Brian

 

[marky]

Duncan
I have an idea of what you are going through. I have a sudden death arrhythmia that wasn't diagnosed until I was 34. I too have a defibrillator implanted. I have also had my mitral valve repaired.
I work in mental health but need to change careers b/c I am inpatient and have been assulted and am at too great of risk for serious problems or even death. (I am only 4'11)
It is hard to shift gears..

HOWEVER I will tell you what I know:

You had a heart attack..and an IDC implanted.. THE Statistics of depression after that are enormous..particularly for males.
I would be willing to say that you are dealing with depression. And yes ANGER is a part of depression.

SUPPORT groups are a great way to process, and see how others make changes and gain insight into what you are going through.

FIND a good mental health provider and get some counseling, it will help you make sense of the process that you are going though.

Every morning when I get dressed I see that large box on my chest.. I hate it.. but I know that it will keep me here a little bit longer and for that I am grateful!

 

[prdraper1]

That is the most pathetic statement that I have read on this forum Duncan, you must be positive about this, look in the mirror and say "I wouldn't be here now but for all the surgeons and medical experts who have worked hard to get me where I am". What would all of my relatives and friends say to reading this? Changing your job is no big deal, millions do it daily. You could also say that "this is the first day of the rest of my life".
I have said before on this forum that people need to be more positive and as so many have responded to your thread shows that there are people who care out there.

 

[pikacat]

That is the most pathetic statement that I have read on this forum Duncan, you must be positive about this, look in the mirror and say "I wouldn't be here now but for all the surgeons and medical experts who have worked hard to get me where I am". What would all of my relatives and friends say to reading this? Changing your job is no big deal, millions do it daily. You could also say that "this is the first day of the rest of my life".
I have said before on this forum that people need to be more positive and as so many have responded to your thread shows that there are people who care out there.

prdraper, clinical depression is common after such events because what the brain perceives as traumatic events may cause chemical imbalances in the brain. unfortunately, you can't just "pick yourself up" from depression by your bootstraps. you have to treat depression, just like any other physical illness. i hope you better educate yourself on depression one day.

to the original poster, i hope you can seek a counselor and work through this. it's natural to feel hopeless when your brain chemistry is out of whack. i know everything feels unfixable, but give things time and you can see that there are solutions when you put one foot in front of the other. but it's difficult when everything crashes down at once but if it's helpful to realize, just know that right now your brain is working against you, too, and it only feels like everything is impossible. but it's not.