I feel really low

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themalteser

Well-known member
Joined
May 25, 2010
Messages
299
Location
UK
Hi everyone,

I don't know why I'm posting here, but perhaps I feel that you can all understand me. I posted before that I suffer from anxiety disorder, but this feeling is different. I've been weaning off SSRI medication for quite some time, and quit them a week ago. After a week, I started feeling these weird body sensations, tingling, out of body, chest pain, hot flush, dizzy. So had a word with the doctor and he said they are withdrawal symptoms of SSRI.

I am not scared of these symptoms, as I understand they are normal withdrawal, but I feel completely pissed off of my life for having to deal with all this crap. I might sound exxagerating, but seriously, I feel completely low. I'm 28, have to see a cardiologist every year, I got all these symptoms, my family don't understand me, I can't go out much cause I got 3 children... I used to be a strong person, but now, I just feel tired and weak! And fed up. I see a CBT counsellor every 15 days. I want to build a career, enjoy my family etc, but just feel I got an awful, terrible disease that is holding me from doing anything, that one day I need heart op, and I just can't, can't relax. I Dont want to die young, just wanna be a dad, a husband, a strong man, and keep grow the child inside me to do fun stuff.
 
My experience has been that I generally can not truly rely on anyone but myself to get through the lows of being a cardiac patient. No one understands unless they're a heart patient... not even the nurses or the doctors. Seriously. The most meaningful and edifying conversations I've had have been with other members of this board and without those conversations it would've been much worse... For a long time, in real life, I found myself craving the same kind of support you're looking for.. but I just don't think it exists.

I generally don't ask my family or friends for a shoulder to cry on anymore because like you said, they don't understand. I can't make them understand, either. I can't make cold people empathic. I talk to a very dear valver friend or two, and it really helps to have that comradery.
 
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We do understand here. All that you're feeling is normal for a heart valve patient. I felt so very, very weak after surgery, while before I could do anything, other than the months leading up to surgery when I became very symptomatic. Hang in there; after recovery, there is still life on the other side, lots of life.
 
Thank you for your quick replies, but, I have no indication for surgery yet and feel like this! I might not need surgery for some time, but, already just feel fed up. Trust me, I'm not trying to crave attention here, but don't know how to snap out of this feeling!
 
How do you snap out of these feelings? I don't think we do - "snap" out of them. I think we gradually work our ways out of them, then one day we just realize that things are better. There is not a "Eureka!" moment. It is a process of change, just like so many other things.

Sort of the same thing about the actual surgery. Since you have a family, think of the surgery as your way to ensure that you have the longest time possible with them. If your case is at all like mine, I would have had just a couple of good years without surgery. After surgery, I look forward to as many good years as a person who never had heart disease. I went through all this so that I could be here for my family for a longer time. It is a choice we make, and it is one with which I am very comfortable.

We know how you feel. Many of us are or have been in similar situations. I still remember the first few months after I was diagnosed and told that "some time, probably 5 to 10 years down the road, I would need heart surgery." That was 9 years ago, and still I remember. I was crushed and afraid. Then over time, with the help of the folks here, I came to realize that until surgery was necessary, life would be "business as usual." I went on with everything I normally did, until the last few months when I felt the decline of my valve. I am now 9 weeks post-op, and I would say that I am feeling nearly as good now as I did 9 weeks before surgery. We manage. The sooner you can learn to compartmentalize your thoughts and only think about OHS when you really need to, the sooner you can go back to living your life until you have to change it.

Now go and do something with the family - something they enjoy.:) You will enjoy it with them and the cycle will start. The more things you do with others, things that you all enjoy, the more you will feel that you are still in this great game of life.

We'll be here when you need us, but don't forget that the family needs you, too.
 
I'd ditto Steve in that there is no Eureka moment. Also some things are just hard to diagnose.

For me it has been diet and nutrition that has made the most difference in my attitude and emotions. How's your diet? Could you have some undiagnosed food allergy or reaction? Not all food reactions result in a trip to the ER. For some folks eliminating certain foods makes a huge difference. Humans eat many times more sugar than our ancestors and did you ever wonder why we are the only species that consumes milk on a regular basis after being weaned. Sugar and dairy are two things that affect certain people a lot. All I have to do is eat a big bowl of ice cream and for the next two days I am out of sorts feeling lethargic and rundown. Many kids have been taken off ridelin (sp?) for ADD, once they cut their candy and pop intake way down. Some nuts affect people. Peanuts can put some in the ER, for me if I eat too many I get an unpleasant rash and itches. Not life threatening but annoying.

The other thing I'm looking into is metals. Do you cook with aluminum pots and pans? Some people start feeling better when they change to cast iron or stainless steel. Not everyone, but some people are sensitive to Aluminum. My wife and I were exposed to a faulty fuel oil furnace for months and I'm thinking there is some cadmium build up that I still need to deal with.

Keep researching, it may take time. I wish I had the sense to start searching for answers at the age of 28 like you are. My symptoms were just less severe. I'm quite sure I could've avoided my heart surgery. Best of luck on your journey to good health.

Herb
 
I am taking SSRI (Fluoxetene) along with a cocktail of other Meds. I have been in the waiting room since Jan and it not where I would have chosen to be. I am twice your age (58) but still have two lively sons at home (17 & 13). Before I started the anti-anxiety meds I was sleeping very little & crying a lot!. I also 'unburdened' with a councelling service provided by my employer. The biggest boost has been this forum, the success stories and messages of support. You are not alone and there is help out there. I am too
exhausted for evening activities - but we have adapted to enjoy lunches out and make the most of the sunshine. Do try to find some time to give yourself a treat and enjoy the summer.
 
Malteser - LeakyUK hit on another point that may be at work here. Some of us, as our valves deteriorate, begin a process much like mourning. We mourn for that young-feeling person we used to be, but we don't realize we are doing so. It is only after we have given ourselves permission to alter out lifestyles to live within the limits of our valve issues that we gain comfort with the new normal of who we are.

Another thing you should know -- after surgery that pre-surgical "new normal" will surprise you with how much you can regain, especially at your young age. Hang in there. . . life may get worse for a little while but after surgery it will get far better again. I am 9 weeks post-op and am really beginning to feel better than I did before surgery, and I'm a good bit older than you.
 
I remember having similar feelings. After working most of my life to keep my heart healthy and strong, to avoid the early death my own father suffered, I felt like I had been betrayed when I learned of my stenotic aortic valve. To make matters worse, I also learned that both my son and my grandson have bicuspid aortic valves. That added a dose of guilt to the betrayal feelings I had going. Six years post-op I've made my peace with the situation, and you will too. I'm confident your hopes of leading a much more normal life will be fulfilled after your replacement. Keep the faith.
 
I felt like my body had betrayed me. I'd taken care of it all these years, and it was supposed to LAST, not flake out on me, before I'm done having fun. I was teary sometimes, numb, and frequently PO'd. Especially at the people who hadn't had anything like that, but gave me a "suck it up" attitude.

Post-op, however, (at 52yo) I "wrestle" with the grandkids, chase them around the lawn, ride them on my shoulders. I've gone to an amusement park, climbed Diamond Head in Hawaii, and been parasailing. My inner child is still alive and kicking, and I believe yours can survive, too!

Marcia

P.S. Why are you weaning off the SSRIs--especially right now? If they don't work for you, maybe you could try something like Wellbutrin?
 
Malteser,

I too am on an SSRI. I suffer from anxiety and depression on a good day. I agree with the above poster. Why are you weaning off now?

I too have "low" days and feel alone and scared but this board helps me so much. I'm not quite there yet for surgery but I am not far either. I have days where I feel "ripped off" and wonder WHY ME? But, I am human, why not me?

I actually have some days where I don't think about it and as Steve said, I am learning to compartmentalize it in the mean time... not easy to do but the people on this board really have helped me.

We know how you feel and that's why we are here...

Hang in there.
 
Thank you so much for all your comments, you're all so supportive and kind.

I've weaned off SSRI, because I've been taking them for nearly a year, I felt much better learning to control my thoughts so I thought it's time for me to try and get rid of this medication from my system. I thought that with my fortnightly CBT I can manage. But, I just can't control this sad emotion, I am just feeling constantly sorry for myself, sorry for my wife who I feel I'm ruining her life.

The other reason is that I don't have any indication for surgery yet, it might take years before I'd need it, one of the cardiologists even told me I might never need it. My valve has no degeneration though bicuspid, my root is mildly dilated at 4.4/7 x 3.4 and the rest is fine. So I thought, why should I carry on taking them for a very long time, than it would be worse for me to come off them.

It's just these thoughts, this awful sadness, as if there is a brick wall infrint of me and can't move on further. Though I know that I might not need surgery for a long time, I feel sad that I am going to die, don't have the chance to be a husband and a dad, to not enjoy my life, so than I say, what's the point in me trying to get a hobby, carry on studying, make a future plan........I know they are just thoughts, and that I'm catastrophising, but, can't help these thoughts.

Just want to be a normal 28...I'm sorry if aim sounding to depressing.
 
Malteser,

I once tried to go off of my meds and hit a wall. I remember having a doctor ask me if they were working, why go off? Why EVER go off? Unless you are dealing with situational depression and not a chemical imbalance, you can't go off. EVER. I know what you mean about not wanting drugs running through your system but the fact of the matter is... you have a life to live and it's not worth it to sit around and feel sorry for yourself. THis is NOT the time for this crap. It's probably withdrawl that is speaking here. You are feeling bad. How were you feeling before going off?

You are in a fragile state. You are 28 years old and nowhere near surgery. From all mechanical aspects, you have a normal heart. It hasn't really even begun to decline. Some of us are living in a "declining" state (such as myself) and we know the surgery is soon. You must figure out a way to enjoy the day to day living and I think going off of meds is a bad idea.

You mention you are afraid of dying.. do you mean now or with the surgery?
 
I agree with deuxofus. I am on fluoxetene (Prozac) and have no concerns about staying on it. I have had the NHS councelling in the past, and have been reprimanded by family members for brooding about the negative aspects of surgery. The good news is that the UK leads the world for heart surgery survival and you are many years from needing it. There are many on this forum who have chosen a tissue valve in the knowledge that a further op is due 10 to 15 yrs down the line. You really need to talk this through again with your GP to discuss treatment for Anxiety. From your comments about 3 children and 'not getting out' I wonder if family difficulties are adding to the stress. Children are wonderful, but everyone needs to create some personal/private space at times.
 
Malteser,

I have several of your points I'd like to respond to, so I'm going to quote you, and reply in RED.

I thought that with my fortnightly CBT I can manage. But, I just can't control this sad emotion, I am just feeling constantly sorry for myself, sorry for my wife who I feel I'm ruining her life.

This sounds like depression talking I think you need to strongly consider the probability that you are depressed. I do not think this is the time to go off antidepressants. In fact, assuming that I'm correct in the understanding that a CBT is therapy, I'd suggest that you check into a weekly appointment schedule. TEMPORARILY

The other reason is that I don't have any indication for surgery yet, it might take years before I'd need it, one of the cardiologists even told me I might never need it. So I thought, why should I carry on taking them for a very long time, than it would be worse for me to come off them.

Just because you may have years before surgery--if ever--it doesn't mean that you'll be taking ADs all that time. This is a TEMPORARY adjustment period. If you don't the effect of your SSRi, maybe you should try an AD that works differently. I tried Zoloft and just felt medicated. Then I tried Wellbutrin XL, and just felt better. After a period of 2-3 years, I thought I was past the major depression, and successfully weaned off it.

It's just these thoughts, this awful sadness, as if there is a brick wall infrint of me and can't move on further.

That, friend, is depression. Clearly, simply expressed—depression. If you ever played Candyland as a child, you may remember the "sticky spots" where you could lose one or more turns, "stuck" to the gameboard. That was how my depression felt. The AD just supplemented the therapy, boosting my emotions enough that I had the energy to do the work of therapy.

Though I know that I might not need surgery for a long time, I feel sad that I am going to die, don't have the chance to be a husband and a dad, to not enjoy my life,

Dude, you've had a cardiologist tell you that your condition is so minor, you may NEVER need surgery! Where in the world did you get the idea that you're going to DIE ??!! (Well, other than the fact that we're all gonna die someday....) It seem to me that the only thing holding you back from enjoying life, and being the dad and husband you want to be is your thought that you can't!

so than I say, what's the point in me trying to get a hobby, carry on studying, make a future plan........

"What's the point?" Well, so you'll have something to keep you busy for the next 50+ years, besides sitting in a rocking chair, waiting for the Grim Reaper to show up. ;)

I know they are just thoughts, and that I'm catastrophising, but, can't help these thoughts.

Like I said before, dear friend, this is depression talking, and we both know it. Since you can't help it, you need to ask for help. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your therapist. Let them get you the assist you need, just until you get past this "pins knocked out from under you" phase. And keep coming here. We understand what you're dealing with, as only fellow heart patients can.

Quick story about my granddad.... In the early 1960s, when I was a little girl and Granddad was in his early 60s, it was discovered that he had a heart condition, and he was told not to expect to live to see his grandchildren grow up--he was going to die. :angel:

And he did die...ALMOST 40 YEARS LATER, at the age of 100, after a lifetime of farming, construction, and logging. (And repairing the roof of his 2-story house when he was 80+!) The attendees at his memorial service included his ADULT grandchildren, AND AN ADULT GREAT-GRANDCHILD!!!! :D

Hang in there. Things aren't nearly as bad as they look to you right now, and they're going to get better. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Marcia
 
I would like to ask you if you get enough exercise in ....do you walk and work out .....I went through a period of severe depression and feeling sorry for this freak I had become with a chest like no other (until I found a few others with sternectomies who in fact made me feel worse) then my GP got me back to working out and that did the trick for me
 
Hi,

Thank you again for all your e-mails.

Deuxoofus, I agree with all your comments, I do feel fragile. In answer to your question, I'm afraid of dying during surgery whenever I need it, and I'm also scared that my aorta will burst, even though Cardiologists reassured me many many times. It's the stuff I keep reading on the internet that's making me worried most.

Leaky UK - I do beleive that family difficulties are adding to my stress, I feel that I should be concentrating on my family and building up successful career etc, however, I feel that this "heart" issue is not letting me do the things I want to do - My therapist keeps telling me that they are just thoughts and that I'm just ruminating, but they are really strong thoughts, I can't help them in the best of days, like today, my wife is working away from home in London, and I'm by myself, and I feel lonely, but not normal lonely, I mean really lonely, as if I am not going to see my wife again!!! I understand that in UK we've got really good heart centres, and I also live in Bristol, which we have the Bristol Heart Institute, top innovative centre. But.... still..... I perhaps cannot accept the fact that I've got nothing to worry about!

Marcia - Thank you for all your patience in analysing my issue in depth, I agree completely with you, I do think that my thoughts are making me depressed, made me smile reading your sentence ""What's the point?" Well, so you'll have something to keep you busy for the next 50+ years, besides sitting in a rocking chair, waiting for the Grim Reaper to show up" You're absolutely correct. Your words are really encouraging, and I keep reading them over and over again, as you make complete sense in what you've told me. Thank you very much.

Greg - I did started exercising since January, but stopped a couple of weeks ago because were I work we had our year end, and I was extremely busy with all the accountancy work I had to do, I was staying late at night etc.... perhaps, the work stress, and the lack of exercise have contributed to the state I am now ? I'm eating awful again, chocolates, chips, burger, curry.... so you might be correct. I have exams coming up aswell, so got that stress in my head, and I'm stressing because instead of studying, I am googling bicuspid aortic valves with aortic root dilations etc etc..... and than I start worrying that I haven't done any study at all..... I will take your advise about working.

Duffey - Thank you for your comments and your courage

Epstns - You probably right, I am sort of thinking that I was so much more better before, and now I feel betrayed..... but, as my therapist told me, I lived with this condition since the day I was born, there was no difference in life style, no difference in anything...so why now?

Jiml - Thank you for all your comments, really appreciate

Duffman - You are right, family don't understand, no one really does as perhaps my issue is currently more mental, they think that I should just stop being anxious etc.... My wife been with me to the cardiologist, and of course, he is very reassuring, so she thinks, why the hell I'm exaggerating the issue!, Why now? Thank you for all your comments.

Herb_webb - Thanks for all your advise, I did not know about aluminium etc, I might give it a go (good excuse to buy some Le Creuset (sp?) pots and pans :) But you're right, I should start looking after my nutrition, as perhaps this is contributing to all my emotions aswell..

Well, I had a chat with my doctor, and he seemed to be very pleased that I ve made a decision to quit my SSRI, he said that all I'm feeling are withdrawal symptoms and should disappear within a few weeks, he advised me to start taking around 2grams of Omega 3 as it can help me with my mood and to calm down some of the symptoms. I asked whether I should be at least on a low dose of SSRI, and he advised me that since I've stopped them, than I should try to hang on, if I can't cope, than he will give me a prescription for 5mg of Escitalopram (Cipralex?) to take for around a month.... (I think that since over here in UK, prescription is a set charge, rather than paying full price, the doctors know that Cipralex costs alot of money, and since the governemt here is trying to make cuts, they are doing everything possible to cut on anything, and hence, that is why he seemed pleased that I've quit them....!!, I might get a second opinion)

Thank you all alot for your courage and support, and hope to keep hearing from you.
 
Malteser,

I too am afraid of dying during surgery and I try not to think about it too much otherwise my anxiety goes through the roof. I think we depressive anxiety folks tend to think about that more than the average person.

The bottom line is you won't die... there is always risk with surgery but in this case, it's very very low. And, it's a lot better than the alternative:eek2:
 
Hi, personally I would think it's a pretty bad time to take on Heart Problems AND drop your SSrI's to at the same time. I've stayed on. my SSRI and am SOOO glad I did!!!!!! . Don't file away at the back of your mind somewhere, that this is just a surgery, and SSRIs are just...a drug. The the rightbtime and place boy are life
Savers... Which you know or you wouldn't on this heart sight, huh? My. Best to you MichelleMar
 

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