Confidence...if only there was a pill

[dornole]

Ok as a person with a bit of a melancholy habit myself I am gonna take a different tack.

1. Don’t be harsh on yourself or ashamed of these feelings, that won’t help. You can go into surgery in despair if ya want. Your mind doesn’t control the outcome. (If yours does, please get to work on the Middle East after surgery, the world thanks you!)

2. I’m gonna guess this is not your first melancholy rodeo. What has helps you in the past, do a tiny version of that today. For me, being in nature, vividly imagining happy memories and feeling how that feels in my body, keeping a gratitude journal, prayer, listening to certain audiobooks, talking to my sister, going back on the dose of meds that I actually need, writing down things I accomplish and celebrating them are some examples.

3. Remember this is a “both / and” situation not an either / or. You don’t have to be globally upset because you are facing mortality. This is BOTH scary, and .... the stars shine nightly, your children laugh, your house is warm. Let the happy thoughts coexist with the dark ones. Life is messy.

Wishing you snapping out of it! Sometimes it seems like it just happens and that’s such a blessing. Hugs to you.

 

[LinH]

Right I really need to turn my melancholy around. I have a beautiful wife, three wonderful daughters and a great job, house etc and life had been going along just fine. My mental model is you hopfully get to your 70s and if stuff happens well so be it. Since learning I need surgery at 50 for severe aortic stenosis and an ascending aorta aneurysm I have been in a deep deep depression. The surgeon is optimistic 97-98% success rate for my age. He even said to him the surgery to him is routine. My thoughts however dwell literally on all that can go wrong and I feel like the surgery is going to kill me or make me severely disabled. Unfortunately I have mentally convinced myself of this. My wife tells me I am no longer an island and refusing the surgery is just not an option. I have written letters to my colleagues and family pending my death and was going to plan my funeral. This is clearly not the mindset to go into surgery even my befuddled brain knows this. Somehow I need to turn this ship around.

Faith in God was the ONLY thing that prepared my Mom mentally and spiritually for her second OHS at age 83. And the ONLY thing that gave her 7 siblings comfort the days leading up to, and through her surgery, and gave the strength she, and the family needed, to get through the surgery, the post surgery and the recovery. We can’t imagine not having God in our lives to get everyone through. My Mom was so prepared, ready, willing and at peace with it, that she gave family comfort. Not to say that being afraid is not normal because the unknown is but since your asking, my opinion is to pray for comfort and strength and put your full trust in God. Religion is a virtue, and if you don’t have it, now is the time to grow in it, and if you do have it, then pray more and ask God for strength and peace.

i can also tell you through this whole ordeal we have a great respect for heart surgeons.It is true that this is routine for them. So no need to worry or dwell on the worst. That is the part of your imagination that will depress you. Focus on the positive outcomes because it us more grounded in reality as you have a very high probability that all will be great. My moms surgeon told family that he is confident she will get through the operation. And when we heard those words, we knew my Mom would come through and she did! It was like God revealed his message to us through the doctor and it was just what we needed to hear. It felt as though a ton of bricks were lifted. So BELIEVE in your doctors words, BELIEVE in God and believe you will be better than ever! And you will! Blessings!

 

[tom in MO]

Right I really need to turn my melancholy around. I have a beautiful wife, three wonderful daughters and a great job, house etc and life had been going along just fine. My mental model is you hopfully get to your 70s and if stuff happens well so be it. Since learning I need surgery at 50 for severe aortic stenosis and an ascending aorta aneurysm I have been in a deep deep depression. The surgeon is optimistic 97-98% success rate for my age. He even said to him the surgery to him is routine. My thoughts however dwell literally on all that can go wrong and I feel like the surgery is going to kill me or make me severely disabled. Unfortunately I have mentally convinced myself of this. My wife tells me I am no longer an island and refusing the surgery is just not an option. I have written letters to my colleagues and family pending my death and was going to plan my funeral. This is clearly not the mindset to go into surgery even my befuddled brain knows this. Somehow I need to turn this ship around.

I would suggest you see a professional, either a minister or therapist. In some cases you can get both in the same person. If you don't know where to turn, ask your surgeon for a referral. There are people that can and want to help.

 

[user 16827]

Give up Coffee ? whoa that's one step too far Pell : )

 

[pellicle]

Give up Coffee ? whoa that's one step too far Pell : )

No, not me,I'm no quitter

I have 1 maybe 2 a day. None after lunch

 

[epstns]

John - Sorry I'm late to the party, but let me just add a few cents of my own experience.

You seem to be doing something that psychologists call "over-exaggerating." That is when you think through a series of sequential decisions and envision how things will be "when" the worst possible outcome occurs at each decision point. I know about this because my psychologist daughter has caught me at it.

Now, let me gently take you through how I managed to make it through valve surgery, diagnosed at age 52 with replacement at age 63. I forced myself to decide how I wanted it to turn out. I then forced myself to think through my entire treatment plan, with the "most likely" outcome at each step (NOT that worst outcome). The most difficult part of the whole thing was to develop my treatment plan. After that, it was just to "work" the plan. If you go through life expecting the worst of everything, your chances of that happening seem to go up. If you envision the desired (or even the best) outcome, your chances of that happening go up. Decide what you want it to be, then go as hard as you can to make sure that's what happens.

As for all those "terrible" things that "could" happen? Between @pellicle and myself, we probably have hit over 90% of them. . . and we're both still here to talk about it. That's what is important. We're still here. We aren't kids any more (I'm now 73), but we still have lives we love. So many others have traveled this path before us, too. Just look through the archives of this site. Many of them don't come around much any more -- they're too busy with those wonderful lives and families.

Decide what you want your outcome to be. As @pellicle advised, if you can't let yourself do that, get some professional help. Remember, there is no stigma or shame in getting help. There might be if you don't.

 

[Chuck C]

Hi John,
Like you, I have been recently been told that I am severe and I will be getting surgery very soon- three weeks from today. Here are some words of wisdom from Viktor Frankl and others about being at peace with the things that we can not control and how we have control over how we react to our circumstances. They really help me and I really hope that they will help you as well.
Viktor Frankl is a Holocaust survivor- was tortured and spent many years in a concentration camp- his wife, Tilly, died in the concentration camp, and yet, he has such amazing words of wisdom about dealing with the hand that we are dealt and finding meaning in life. His situation was about as terrible as it comes and ours is so much better. We absolutely can choose how we respond to our situations.

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

“Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'.”

“The one thing you can’t take away from me is the way I choose to respond to what you do to me. The last of one’s freedoms is to choose one’s attitude in any given circumstance.”

“Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose.”

Viktor Frankl

Some words about how we have control over how we respond to circumstances by a few others:

“You can't always control circumstances. However, you can always control your attitude, approach, and response. Your options are to complain or to look ahead and figure out how to make the situation better.”

― Tony Dungy, Quiet Strength: The Principles, Practices & Priorities of a Winning Life

“WE CAN'T ALWAYS CONTROL OUR CIRCUMSTANCES BUT WE CAN CONTROL OUR ATTITUDE.

WE MUST BE MORE CONCERNED WITH WHAT WE DO WITH WHAT HAPPENS TO US THAN WHAT HAPPENS TO US.

HAPPINESS DOES NOT DEPEND ON WHAT HAPPENS OUTSIDE OF YOU BUT ON WHAT HAPPENS INSIDE OF YOU.”

MARVIN J. ASHTON

“You cannot control what happens to you, but you can control your attitude toward what happens to you, and in that, you will be mastering change rather than allowing it to master you.”

Brian Tracy

From Skilled at Life

Things We Cannot Control or Change in Life

Change is an inevitable part of life. Realizing that nothing lasts forever is one of the keys to lasting happiness and peace. The other important factor is knowing what parts of our lives we can change and what parts we cannot.

Too many people are unhappy because they do not accept the things or circumstances that they cannot change or have no control over. This leads to unnecessary frustration, disappointment, and suffering. This is one of the reasons that Alcoholics Anonymous meetings incorporate the Serenity prayer that states, “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” You do not have to be a religious person to see the value offered in this prayer.

It really is quite simple: we should focus our time and energy on the parts of our lives that we can change and accept the ones that we cannot. Unfortunately, many people make no effort to change the aspects of their lives that they are unhappy with and can change; instead, they try to change those that they have no control over. This is a recipe for disaster and heartache.

Lastly, we cannot change the fact that change itself is inevitable. Much of the depression, sadness and anxiety that people feel today is because they do not accept change. Many of them are terrified of change so they cling to what they want to preserve. Whether it is health, materialism, loved ones, wealth, etc, the one thing we can be certain of is that it will not last. Change is inevitable and there is nothing we can do about it. The sooner we accept the fact that everything changes at some point, the less we cling and the happier we become.

To conclude, if we want to be truly happy and at peace, it is essential that we accept the things that we cannot change and have no control over. Instead, we should focus on the aspects of our lives that we want to and actually can change.

There are many things in our lives we can change if we are not satisfied with them. For example, if we are overweight, we can change that. If we hate our job, we can change that. If we are not happy being in a certain relationship, we can change that. If we want to have more friends, we can change that. The choice is ours. However, it is important to know that there are some things in life that we cannot change no matter how hard we try. Wisdom is knowing what we can change and what we cannot. We can then focus our efforts on changing what we can and accepting what we cannot. Doing this leads to peace, serenity, happiness, and freedom.

 

[newarrior]

I’ll admit that I always struggle with posts like this. My question is always which direction the OP wants it to go?

1.). What you’re feeling is normal. Many people feel that way...

2.). Success stories from current members so they have tangible examples of everything being okay...

3.). Platitudes about how everything is going to be okay.

I don’t know. I’ll go with #2 and say at 48 years old with a beautiful wife and (balancing out your crew) four sons and one daughter, I’ve had two open heart surgeries already. One way before any kids were even thought about (I was 17) and the other five months after my daughter was born (#4). I was 36 for that one. I’ll concede I worried more about the second surgery because of those depending on me.

As it is said, “This too shall pass.” Remember also where mortality rates come from. It isn’t generally from younger people that are healthy when they go into surgery. Consider, for comparison, the mortality rates of the young and healthy with COVID vs those with various co-morbidities. The stats say ‘x’% mortality rate - but fatalities are concentrated in certain segments.

You’ll be fine. You’ll recover and get healthy. You’ll talk with your wife kids about the year that dad had surgery and the various things that went well and those that were a pain.

I’ve been ticking for over 30 years. It cost me one job in that time. Tooth fairy. Kids would always hear me sneak in. . And I had one very costly health issue related to Warfarin. I had to reschedule a certain appointment and child #5 made sure to sneak in before the reschedule.

What if you have no kids, wife, girlfriend, living family, live alone etc etc ? Why stay alive ? What's the motivation. I a m 58 already crazy lonely and severly depressed....I cannot imagine how or why I'd even want to go through surgery or post utterly alone..

 

[Superman]

What if you have no kids, wife, girlfriend, living family, live alone etc etc ? Why stay alive ? What's the motivation. I a m 58 already crazy lonely and severly depressed....I cannot imagine how or why I'd even want to go through surgery or post utterly alone..

I’m not in a position to answer your questions. What I think I would want to know if I were in your situation is if the tail was wagging the dog. Am I alone because of my depression? Or am I depressed because I am alone. I would think it’s the former if I have been that way my whole life.

You should be asking a question more crucial to your survival and well being than anything heart related. Can you get the kind of mental and emotional help you need in a culture, that despite your chosen residence, will remain largely foreign to you? Familiar, but still always from the outside looking in. Or would you be better served moving back to the States and getting the mental health you need?

 

[newarrior]

I’m not in a position to answer your questions. What I think I would want to know if I were in your situation is if the tail was wagging the dog. Am I alone because of my depression? Or am I depressed because I am alone. I would think it’s the former if I have been that way my whole life.

You should be asking a question more crucial to your survival and well being than anything heart related. Can you get the kind of mental and emotional help you need in a culture, that despite your chosen residence, will remain largely foreign to you? Familiar, but still always from the outside looking in. Or would you be better served moving back to the States and getting the mental health you need?

I lived in America for 54 years and I was absolutely miserable For Better or Worse. The mental health care system failed me there is well. There's tons of expats here so it's not like you're completely an outsider. Either option isn't that great for me. I go back to America I've got a start all over it 58 from nothing. I don't think there is a good option for me. The mental health care is rotten here compared to America. Or not as good in my opinion. Healthcare System is pretty good here but if you screwed up like me and you've got pre-existing condition you'll have to pay cash for everything. I don't think the doctors are ever going to be as good as the ones in America.

 

[newarrior]

I’m not in a position to answer your questions. What I think I would want to know if I were in your situation is if the tail was wagging the dog. Am I alone because of my depression? Or am I depressed because I am alone. I would think it’s the former if I have been that way my whole life.

You should be asking a question more crucial to your survival and well being than anything heart related. Can you get the kind of mental and emotional help you need in a culture, that despite your chosen residence, will remain largely foreign to you? Familiar, but still always from the outside looking in. Or would you be better served moving back to the States and getting the mental health you need?

Regardless of whether or not I'm the cause of the cause is outside of me I guess I have to accept my circumstances sorry if I'm hijacking this train. Maybe it's something simple like I'm single because I'm an ugly son of a b****. We're onto feminine or creepy or needy or whatever. Or I just haven't found anybody maybe a case of bad luck. There's a lot of things in our lives we can't control maybe nothing we can control.

 

[esvaja]

Right I really need to turn my melancholy around. I have a beautiful wife, three wonderful daughters and a great job, house etc and life had been going along just fine. My mental model is you hopfully get to your 70s and if stuff happens well so be it. Since learning I need surgery at 50 for severe aortic stenosis and an ascending aorta aneurysm I have been in a deep deep depression. The surgeon is optimistic 97-98% success rate for my age. He even said to him the surgery to him is routine. My thoughts however dwell literally on all that can go wrong and I feel like the surgery is going to kill me or make me severely disabled. Unfortunately I have mentally convinced myself of this. My wife tells me I am no longer an island and refusing the surgery is just not an option. I have written letters to my colleagues and family pending my death and was going to plan my funeral. This is clearly not the mindset to go into surgery even my befuddled brain knows this. Somehow I need to turn this ship around.

I totally get you & now I have to have my 2nd 4/20. My 1st one was in my 50s & now I am a caregiver for my son. Talk to your Dr about anti-anxiety meds - temporarily til your surgery. I think for those of us who are having surgery during this pandemic we have a double dose of anxiety. For me worrying about covid because I was working in healthcare from the beginning of it. The stress of it with lockdowns, not being able to go places freely. BTW looking back on my 1st it wasn't that bad, it was the time running up to it. Take care.

 

[Humboldtgrrl]

I totally get you & now I have to have my 2nd 4/20. My 1st one was in my 50s & now I am a caregiver for my son. Talk to your Dr about anti-anxiety meds - temporarily til your surgery. I think for those of us who are having surgery during this pandemic we have a double dose of anxiety. For me worrying about covid because I was working in healthcare from the beginning of it. The stress of it with lockdowns, not being able to go places freely. BTW looking back on my 1st it wasn't that bad, it was the time running up to it. Take care.

 

[Humboldtgrrl]

@JannerJohn @esvaja A friend scheduled for aneurysm + AVR surgery was very anxious. Asked surgeon + cardiologist re using ativan/lorazepam & was told not a problem. It has helped mindset significantly & probably eased heart stress as well. Specific to each person, so medical provider should be involved.

 

[newarrior]

@JannerJohn @esvaja A friend scheduled for aneurysm + AVR surgery was very anxious. Asked surgeon + cardiologist re using ativan/lorazepam & was told not a problem. It has helped mindset significantly & probably eased heart stress as well. Specific to each person, so medical provider should be involved.

ativan/lorazepam + Xanax + Exercise + Meditation + Good diet + Sunshine + Reading + Inspirational Videos on YouTube such as Wayne Dyer or Eckhart Tolle + Massage+ Valium all have helped me in this regards. Also consider acupuncture/TCM, alternative medicine))))